I'm so stressed! My husband and I moved my mom from out of state to stay with us until she recovered from surgery. She ended up living with us. We remodeled half our home for her comfort. We didn't ask for rent. She just gives me $200.00 a month. That's all I asked for. She doesn't have to pay for transportation to and from doctors appointments (I take her). She has enough funds to take care of herself also. She was paying off her credit cards the first year she moved in and only gave me $30.00 - $60.00 dollars a month. I had to ask for $200.00. Inconsiderate and ungrateful. I'm retired and so is my husband. He still likes to work and has been working full time. He's 74 and I'm 58. my mom is 86. three months ago I helped her revise her Will. I added sticky notes to help her see what was taken out and what was added.
I gave her the document and she took time to look over it.
One of the things I told her I added was my husband. He would be the one to get her back home if something should happen to me. He's the only one that could do it now that she's here. Once she saw his name she got this thing in her head that he was trying to get me to add his name as a beneficiary. All the time she had the document she never said anything to me about the notes. She only told me she wanted to go to a lawyer to look over her Will. I was happy. It would help me to also know what I needed to do since she was here with us. Long term care, bank etc. Well, I took her to an Elder lawyer and the lawyer told us her Will was fine the way it is. She suggested other things too. After the lawyer, there was doctors appointments, visiting the bank, blood work, picking up the grands from school making sure we all ate!! Then my mom tells me she wants the documents I revised for her.
The thing was, my mom had in her head that my husband and I were trying to add his name in her Will to get money! She told me she couldn't sleep and it's affecting her health! She told me that my husband wrote a note on the document saying he wanted to be added to her Will!!
I didn't give her the document fast enough when she asked so, she thought I was changing the document and taking out what she THOUGHT was written in it. I don't have time for this mess. This coming from my mother made me so upset! I was shaking!! I told her we really need to talk! I went and got my husband. She changed her voice where she sounded so clam. After she told my husband what she thought she saw, he immediately told her he has no clue what she's talking about and he he would never do anything like that. He doesn't need anything from her!! He asked her to show him the document where it says this and she looked through it and couldn't find it. He slept on that and couldn't sleep. He told me we have done to much to be accused of something like this. He went back to talk to her the next day and wanted to clear the air. She still made excuses and talked about this note!! He lost it!! He told her, he brought her here and he could tell she didn't want him to help her with her business in the beginning so, he left it alone. He told her maybe it would be best if she moved back home. Everything she loved is there so it would be better for her to be there. She couldn't say anything. So, she called my sister and my sister called me. I told my sister (Younger) she would be better off back home regardless if she sold her house or not. She has the funds to take care of herself. Even if it's a small senior apartment. My sister told me she would always have a place back home and she'll talk to her daughter and make arrangements. My sister never called me back. My sister doesn't want her back home that's why she didn't call me back after almost two weeks. Things have calmed down but it's still that THING in the air. My husband and I feel so uncomfortable in our home. He told my mom that too. My mom always has to be right to the point she'll try to distract you to avoid saying she was wrong. What should I do?
You should not be feeling uncomfortable in your own home. You are living your life at 75mph. I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is working full-time to get out of the house and away from this situation more than enjoying working.
The trust situation will come up again. Your sister is obviously avoiding the situation for whatever reason. Time to explain to Mom that since she has the financial and physical capabilities to care for herself, you (and she) will be exploring other living arrangements for her. A small Senior apartment, Independent Living, Assisted Living, whatever she wants. Tell her it’s no one’s fault but this is just best for everyone.
That's a lot going on with your mother. Do you really think she could live in an independent apartment?
What is her financial situation? What happens as she declines? Are you going to be the caregiver? What happens if she ends up in a facility? How will that be paid for? Will she be able to become Medicaid-eligible?
What does her will say now? Are her assets split between you and your sister? Do you think they should be? Sounds like your mother should be paying you and your H a LOT more than $200/month. And it should be a legal agreement, in case she ever files for Medicaid.
What did the elder attorney advise? You said she said the will is fine the way it is, and suggested some "other things." What were they?
You and your considerably-older H deserve the nice life you'd planned for. You're 58, your H is 74, and your mother is 86.
I think you will have mission creep as your mother declines. That is not fair to your H. Time for your mother to move out!
Actually, based on your profile description of your mother, it sounds like she'd be best off in a Skilled Nursing Facility as they'd be best equipped to handle all of her issues. It definitely IS a good idea to read up on dementia and all the issues involved with it, so you and your family can get a better understanding of the behaviors involved with the disease. It's really too much to handle in-home for most people. My mother lives in Memory Care and STILL manages to create a ton of drama and involvement for me (as the only child). Just this year alone I've had to take her to the ER and the hospital 4x, 2 different rehabs, a move from Assisted Living to Memory Care, and so many more things it's impossible to list them all. My point is, even after they're placed, we are STILL very involved with their chronic care, trust me on that.
This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement which has already gone on too long and she's overstayed her welcome BIG time. You've done enough.
Best of luck!
My first suggestion, if you haven't already done this, is to increase your education about Alzheimer's dementia. There are lots of good books and on-line resources to do this, but one good, basic resource is the book "The 36-Hour Day." Also www.alz.org provides many educational tools and its state organizations sponsor local support groups for caregivers and I recommend that you participate in one or more of them. Your mom's distrust of you and your husband may be mostly or entirely due to the Alzheimer's disease and, if so, understanding the cause may reduce your stress. An analogy is a person with a broken leg who can't walk and no amount of discussion and explanation will change that, but the analogy isn't perfect because the broken leg can be fixed, while Alzheimer's dementia isn't yet fixable -- it only gets worse.
If you're already well-educated about Alzheimer's dementia and given your sister's unresponsiveness, I suggest that you tell your sister that you are at then end of ability to provide your mom's care and that you will be contacting adult protection and/or senior services to explain the situation within a certain number of days and that you expect the result will be that a court will appoint a professional guardian and conservator for her and that she will be moved to some kind of facility.
Kudos to you and your husband for providing your mom's care up to this point. It's almost always a long, hard job and all too often it's a mostly thankless job as well. Best wishes.
If NONE of this works and she sits like a rock you will have to go to extremes. The ER dump is the most extreme of the extremes, a matter of taking your elder to the ER and saying she cannot return home with you, that you are not mentally or physically capable of caring for her, and that she needs placement through Social Services.
I do not believe putting Mom "back in her home" if she is incontinent, has Alzheimer's, and has physical problems as well is an option here. Your taking Mom into your home has had disasterous consequences. You cannot iron it all out in a week. But within a month's time you can be well on your way. Wishing you luck.
That being said...if she has her own resources...tell her it is time to leave. With your husband being in his seventies...honestly, do you want to spend the twilight of his life with this woman mistreating him? It is not fair for him to be the brunt of her issues. She needs to find her own place so the two of you can find your happiness.
You love your husband. He comes first. Being a caregiver is so draining. It really is.
Please find other housing arrangements for her. Everyone will be better off. Hugs! It’s hard.
Or you can find a board and care facility that she can go to until more permanent placement is sorted.
I am fiercely protective of my husband with my parents, they would be so out of line attacking him trying to hurt me and manipulate the situation, so I have a zero tolerance policy, talk nasty, accusatory or anything inappropriate and that is it. He is my 1st consideration in every situation. So I would have already moved my mom out, even if she needed to go to an extended stay hotel.
She has been living in this man's home and harbors some pretty ugly sentiment towards him, she has over stayed and over stepped. Bye bye unappreciative, ungrateful woman, hope it works out for you.
I know that I sound harsh, but I don't agree with anyone staying in someone else's home when they feel ugly towards them and they are making what should be a safe haven a miserable, uncomfortable battle ground over perceived truths.
Your husband doesn't deserve to not have a safe peaceful home, send her packing.
Mom really has no problem with dementia at this point. She may forget words and have to stop and think a bit but, She knows very well what she said and it maybe just to get attention. She’s been doing this all my life!! If she has dementia or a form of dementia? I would differently see it in a totally different light.