My Mom is selling her house and decided she’d live with us. We moved all her stuff to our house. She did a 180 saying we’re not married, my husband is a crook, she is worried about what I’ve gotten myself into with him, she wants to go back to her house and asks when we can get all of her things back into her home. She doesn’t recall she’s sold her house and has to be out in a week. We’ve pulled one over on her. She was evil talking to me and my husband saying things I thought she’d never say to me.

She refuses to go to a doctor. I don’t know what to do!

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Sounds like my mother during mid-stage dementia. Incredibly combative. Paranoid. She accused me of moving her out of her house, keeping the money, stealing from her, letting people in her house, taking away the car she sold, making her grow old and gaslighting her. All this after she had sold her house and chosen to move next door to us over 15 years earlier.

Distract and redirect. You cannot argue.

If this is a sudden behavioural change, get her to a Dr for a urinalysis. A UTI can greatly magnify dementia symptoms.

I found this to be an incredibly difficult stage because it is obvious to everyone but them that they have cognitive decline. My mother refused to see a Dr. so I had to trick her. Perhaps your mother would go if she thought she was attending a consultation about something or some other false pretence. It is important for you to take the reins now because she is not thinking clearly. I was afraid of my mother’s temper but now realize I should have pushed her into the Dr’s office and had her assessed much sooner.

This forum is full of people who are or were in your position. Read all you can. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Anabanana

So your mom decided she'd live with you, and then you moved her stuff to your house.

What do YOU think about your mother coming to live with you? The "evil talking" you heard is probably only just the beginning...
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Reply to CTTN55

Oh My! Welcome to Dementia.

This is only the start of issues you will be having. The problem is that some days will be lucid and nice and other times, combative, angry, sad, crying, accusing, etc. When you wake up in the morning, you have no idea which ones, yes, plural, you will face.

By any chance, did she not get much sleep over the period of days prior to the move? If so, see if you can take her somewhere, like a hotel or on a long ride, so that they can get some really good rest.

You have to do 2 things, both start immediately. 1) You need to get her to a doctor 2) you need to start researching managed care like a Memory Care house.

You need to get her to a doctor so that they can order tests and rule out any infections. If you think you will be placing her in managed care, then make sure her shots are up to date. Hopefully she has a doctor that she likes. If she doesn't want to go to the doctor, just say that we need to visit xxx (call them by their first name and last name without the doctor). When she asks why, just say that you need to have a few things checked out. If her doctor is like our doctors, getting blood tests and urine tests and all those things, happen at a different place and time than the actual doctor visit. If she doesn't have a doctor, try and find one that specializes in geriatrics.

I would still start researching managed care options, regardless of whether you think you can be with this type of behavior 24 x 7 or not. Getting familiar with the terms, and what facilities look like and what they have to offer, will help you be aware of your options for the future.

Sometimes, to get my Mom out of the house, we told her we were taking her to a restaurant. Then arranged for other people to get whatever needed done. Otherwise, she would just fret the entire night before whatever was happening and not go to sleep, and then be cranky and combative and uncooperative the entire day.


My prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to ChoppedLiver

You need to get mom tested for a Urinary Tract Infection which can cause this kind of sudden change in mental status.

Consider calling 911. She is delusional; something serious is happening that needs to be addressed immediately.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Your profile says Mom has a Dementia. Did you know this when she sold her house and moved it. If not, surprise huh. If you did, ant change can make them worse. You took her out of a home she knew where everything was to a home she knows nothing about. People suffering from a Dementia can do well in familiar surroundings. Take them out of it and they get more confused.

I agree, she needs a urine test to rule out an infection. If this came on suddenly, that could be it. Its no longer what Mom wants, its what she needs. You are now the adult and her the child. Don't ask, do. Take her in the car, if she asks were she is going tell her for a ride. White lies now to get her to a doctor. Medicare is requiring her to get a physical to keep her insurance, whatever u can think up. Bribe her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to JoAnn29

"She refuses to go to a doctor".

Get her medical attention & explain her level of confusion.

If someone is confused they are unable to use their judgement sufficiently to decide if they require medical treatment or not.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Beatty

You don’t want her to live with you. In her state, you and your family will be treated poorly 24/7/365. You don’t want that.

Get an Adult Protective Services involved, they handle situations like this all the time. You will need to see and elder care attorney to get POA if you don’t have it already. You will want a Drs diagnosis…tell Adult Protective Service she refuses to go to. Dr. Show the she cannot live alone and cannot live with you. They should be able to help get her placed.

Sorry you have to hear her spew hate, for some reason, it’s common with dementia. You and your family do not want to live with that. Get her placed in assisted living ASAP.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Donttestme
Lizhappens Feb 5, 2023
Very good advice!
Welcome to the Forum, Jay.
Can you tell you more about your mother, when this behavior started? What is her diagnosis? What made you decide she should move in with you?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Sounds awful! I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I would report any sudden changes in behavior to her doctor as soon as possible. When my mom was acting out of character, it was an often a physical issue like a UTI.

It is unsettling to see new behavior. I was fortunate to have doctors who were thorough in their assessment of my mom’s behavior changes.

What about meds? Have any of her meds been changed recently? Sometimes dosages need to be modified or additional new medication may be helpful.

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Like so many others, I've been in your shoes. When my mom's Alzheimer's was in full swing, she'd accuse me of going through her purse, which had $5 in it and a lipstick. (I put both of those things there for her.) She'd accuse my husband of stealing "her" potato chips." Never mind that his salary and mine paid for our groceries (along with everything else). Alzheimer's made her paranoid, delusional, accusatory, etc. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" This was over nothing, by the way. My mom wouldn't say something like that to anyone over anything, let alone me, over nothing. The first time she said this, I was appalled. The tenth time I was mortified. By the 20th time, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that trying to find humor helped. My husband, (whom she also often didn't remember was truly my husband), mouthed the words, "It's not really your mother." Truer words were never spoken. It was the disease talking. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (They were each diagnosed with their respective ailments around the same time, and I was the caregiver for both.) I found that the act of writing was therapeutic in and of itself,regardless whether it became a book or not. I tried to write it, reflecting how I dealt with Alzheimer's on a daily basis: with humor and heart.
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Reply to rlynn123

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