Some of you may know my mom is out of town right now. She is currently at my sister's house and will be meeting up with my brother tomorrow who will take her to her cabin in PA where she plans to spend the summer. (I have serious doubts she will be able to stay all summer as my brother doesn't want all the extra hassle, but that's a post for a different day).
The doctor who did my mom's neuro-psych evaluation sent a letter to the DMV in Florida requesting a medical advisory review concerning her ability to drive safely. The letter came today so I picked it up. My mom had intended to have her mail forwarded to her cottage as she has done in previous years but apparently hadn't gotten around to it. No shock there and I was hoping to intercept this letter as I feel if she got it she would have thrown it away.
The letter has a fairly extensive medical questionnaire that she is required to give to her "personal physician" to be completed and returned within 45 days or her license is revoked.
After that the medical board reviews and issues their decision. In looking at the questionnaire I pretty much know my mom will not pass.
My mom is going to be so livid. I'm sure first thing will be hating me for "opening her mail", then she'll blame the doctor who did the neuro-psych eval. Then anyone else in her orbit. This driving thing is a HUGE, HUGE deal to her.
Do I try and take this form to the doctors myself, and not tell her? She's not here to do it herself. Plus I'm afraid if I send it to her she will find some clueless doctor in PA, showboat like hell and then ask that person to fill it out, denying that there is anything of importance in her Florida records.
I'm at a loss. She needs to stop driving, but she won't accept it and I guarantee I will feel her wrath directly. We got into it before she left because she refused to let me put a life alert system in place, even after I offered to pay. The charade of independence is STRONG, even though her deficits are obvious and real.
How do others deal with this?
Re-seal the letter and put it with whatever mail she has. 45 days and her license gets revoked, right?
Piper, you seem to be bothered by your mom's anger. You take it to heart. You allow the idea of her rage affect what you do.
She's a toddler, intellectually. How would you deal with an actual toddler? By ignoring the tantrum. YOU know what the right thing to do is. Just ignore her yelling and nastiness. Leave. Hang up. Go to therapy if necessary (I would CERTAINLY find it necessary!)
But don't let her dementia and craziness define your self esteem. I understand that this is dementia ON TOP of previously existing mental illness, so all the harder to deal with. But realize that it truly is HER and not you.
I don't want to just put the letter aside, as if it's ignored it might buy her time so to speak because she will claim she never received it so they might give her a fresh 45 days to give the form to her doctor. I don't even trust her to do that right, I could picture her giving it to the pain doctor she won't let me near who keeps giving her Vicodin scripts.
I'm going to take it to her main neurologist and let that doctor fill it out as she was the doctor who ordered the neuro-psych eval that triggered this whole thing, and she also has that doctors report. The neurologist will comply, she has to by law.
After that, I can and will monitor the status of her license, and when it is revoked (which I'm sure will happen) then I'll take the appropriate action (take the keys) and block out her wrath.
Thanks again for being the voice of reason. I really appreciate it.
I want to point out to you that the solution you came up with is one that YOU crafted. Not us. You considered the options and the possible outcomes and you chose a very good way to handle this.
You are clearly a smart, capable, empathetic and caring person, even to your mom, who may not deserve such a daughter. You are correct in assuming that your task in therapy is to lose the Pavlovian response to the symptoms of your mom's mental illness and dementia. She trained you well to respond to her rages with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This creates the well-know FOG that you deal with when trying to act and think rationally around her.
You're getting there! My hat is off to you.
ExhustedPiper, You did craft your response. I had 6 years of therapy, and a 50,000 mile checkup now and then. Keep at it, You are cared for by many people and please stay on this forum and let us care and love you. Your husband taking the keys is perfect. Give that wonderful man a kiss and a hug.
Please, don't feel guilty about this. I really think there should be stricter laws concerning the elderly and driving. Also, that doctors must be the reporter and not expect family to handle it.
I thought FLA was a state that tested their elderly periodically for driving?
I'm very sorry for your loss. That never should have been allowed to happen.
I think that it's very common for people who have dementia to be extremely agitated, resistant to care, even aggressive. If it's not this thing, it'll be another and many more. Rarely do we have LO's who have dementia who are compliant, calm, cooperative, etc. It's usually very challenging on a daily basis, and for imaginary things or simple things. For me, reading a lot about dementia behavior and lowering my expectations helped. If you don't you are on a roller coaster ride, waiting for the next explosion. Someone who is comfortable taking responsibility and who can not take it personally will need to lead the way and protect her from herself. Keeping a person who has dementia happy, content and without issue, is just not feasible, based on my experience.
I also like your idea of having a schedule. I plan to do the same. I will not be "on call" 24/7 but I will set aside two days a week to take her wherever she needs to go.
BTW how is your dad doing with your brother? Are their living arrangements working out okay?
I think your answer as knowing what you need to do in regards to getting the notification to her doctors in Florida makes sense. This has become a legal matter. Her wrath is not more powerful than the law.
Then I am hopeful you sort this out in therapy and eventually find some peace and strength.
She is out of town....
You have no knowledge of this letter....(wink wink)
Her license will be revoked before she knows it has been revoked.
She can then "try" to get another letter and another doctor visit upon her return. But until she obtains the signed form she will not be able to drive.
The question is does she have access to a vehicle in PA where she is? If she tries to rent a car they will find out that her license has been revoked.
One of the ways I got my Husband to sort of accept the no driving..I told him with the new the medication he was on the doctor said he could not drive while he was taking it. He still asked and he did take the car once, I had hidden the keys but obviously not well enough. I got a carabiner clip and attached the keys to my belt loop!
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