My mother and father live with us. Mom has significant health issue and dad is tired of taking care of her...

My father was a kind & gentle soul. He, for some odd reason, put up with my mother's hideous behavior for 68 years of their marriage, making excuses for her and why she did all the rotten, miserable, filthy things she did. We all saw right thru her antics, but dad was right there to stick up for her no matter WHAT. Well....all that started to change after they moved into Assisted Living together, into a small room, and she began picking on him even WORSE than usual, making fun of him about how he couldn't use his wheelchair properly and how he didn't know 'the real meaning' of pain, only SHE knew THAT, and yada yada. Dad started fighting back, finally.........which was quite something to witness. Quite a few times DH and I were called in to break up the arguments and try to smooth things over. I was actually glad to see dad sticking up for HIMSELF for a change, and to see my mother sit down and shut up for 5 minutes at a clip.

He passed away 5 years ago, she could care less, and now lives in Memory Care where she kicks up a giant fuss and continues to make my life a chit-show. But I get to call the shots nowadays..........I get to say No I Can't Possibly Do That Mom, and Gee That's Unfortunate, I'll Be Going Away for the Weekend or the Week or Whatever.

It's time for YOU to call the shots now & for YOUR mother to sit down shut up for more than 5 minutes at a pop. Find her a lovely ALF with a Memory Care wing which she can segue into if/when the time comes, and allow your father to get HIS life back. My father had to die to get free; your's shouldn't have to. These women seem to feel like they're 'entitled' to get whatever they want, whenever they want to, without regard to anyone else's feelings. The reason they get away with it is because we AGREE to their terms.

Stop agreeing.

Thought for the day- NO ONE EVER WANTS TO GO TO ANYPLACE when they’ve managed to train family members to treat them like a pampered princess.

If she “refuses to cooperate”, she can be seen by a specialist in geriatric behavior management who can recommend strategies and potentially recommend a small dose of mood stabilizer to help her adjust to residential life.

If you find a pleasant place near you, brief drop-in visits will help dispense with any guilt you and/or your father may mistakenly have over having made the decision to opt for care.

If she is in the early stages of dementia, you will need to remind yourselves that she will be angry or have outbursts with no filter, but her behavior is neither your fault nor your responsibility.

Take steps to find her a pleasant, congenial, busy residence, and she may even come to thank you for having done so.

Find a placement for your mom and help your dad move on with his life. He’s too young to not have a better life.

I think you should now help your father in some placement for your Mom. If your Mom is not ill or not suffering enough dementia to need placement, then I think you should support your father in moving on with a life of his own. In terms of how long we all live there is no reason for him to be imprisoned by someone who has likely a good two decades of life left. He has a right to what he has told you he wants. At this point it no longer matters what "mom wants". It matters what can be provided for her given the limitations of all involved. It makes no sense for an entire family to sacrifice themselves to one person. Place Mom, visit and be as loving a support as you can. Not everything can be fixed, but the days of throwing ones spouse onto the pier of other spouse are over. When things cannot be fixed it is time to realize that and to move on. This is not a question of "guilt", it is a matter of "grief", for Mom's life, for the effects she has on all in the family. Guilt assumes that if you were only Saintly enough you could make this right; grief recognizes that this will never be entirely right, and is to be grieved for.