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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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My mom took a bath every single day of her life. Even when it was so cold the bathroom pipes were frozen, she'd heat water on the stove to fill the tub. She switched to showering a year or two ago because she couldn't get up and down easily. Now she only showers every 2-3 days. Which is totally fine as that is all she needs. The change is because she is afraid of falling, but won't consider taking out her tub and installing a walk-in shower. There is no other way to do it, the tub would have to go. There is only one bathroom and there isn't room for both. Well there would be with some renovations, but she isn't willing to pay for any of it. She can afford it. Total cost is less than one month in a nursing home, which is where she will end up if she doesn't make some changes.
My pet peeve with Moms AL and NH was the asked not told.
Ex: Mrs E do you want to go to therapy? Mrs E "no". I told the therapist don't ask tell. Mrs E time for therapy. Mrs E "ok".
I found the aide at AL saying, Do you want to go to the bathroom. Mom of course said no. I told the aide just say "bathroom time" Aide told me they are suppose to ask as a question. I said, then u are going to get a lot of Nos. They finally found that saying "your daughter wants you to..." worked.
My daughter says you have to make them feel they made the decision. Like "Mrs E wouldn't you feel so much better after a nice shower and clean clothes". Then they may say "yes".
Here's my perspective, whether someone is in a facility or at home: If you force them and it cause agitation and upset, to what end is this a good thing? Is it worth it? Sort of a risk vs. benefit. If the person has an odor that is progressively worse, if skin issues are present, then you've got a reason to pursue it. I was appalled originally at my mother who took regular baths and then changed to showers...and then just stopped. I let it go on for a month or so and then decided we had to take action and get help. Called a respected, hospital affiliated home care service. Nurse comes out and observes mom in action, walking, doing steps, dusting and concludes she would not do anything. As shocked as I was, I heard it from other professionals. This first person informed me that the way most older people die is fall related. Sort of a live and let live until they fall and hurt themselves bad enough to die, or wind up ultimately coming home with home care who can then assist them and they are more willing. This was 3 unbelievable years ago. There have been zero falls. She ambulates well. She's alive. There is no distinct odor. I can't believe it either and am grateful. She shows signs of sporadic minimal incontinence. I have had several aides out before COVID who lacked the right talent to convince her. I have taken all the suggestions. She and I have an antagonistic relationship that has not improved with the dementia. Sometimes she talks under her breath and my appearance will sometimes result in the often laughable, barely audible "Get Lost. That would be good." comment. She is also the same with my father. I intend to try again with a different agency when things get better, but I am fearful of bringing the COVID into the house where we all live. All you can do is try, and if it doesn't happen, remember it's not the end of the world. It creates a stressor for us as caregivers, using energy we're short of. Once I got over the shock of what that first nurse told me, it relieved my guilt and I didn't fret as much. I go back and forth and think it's horrible, I should try again/try harder...it just will take the right person...but my mother is difficult and I realize there may not be a right person ever. She may be a match even for Teepa Snow! In the meantime we carry on one day at a time adjusting for her safety and our sanity...
My husband was in a nursing home for 30+ days for rehab, and I insisted on daily showers (most places only do every other day). He was 90 at the time and incontinent, so showering daily was a must to keep him healthy. When I would arrive and he wasn’t showered I was told on several occasions that he didn’t want to and they couldn’t make him. I would the tell Bill, “ it’s time for a shower, and then we will have a snack, come on.” He would get up and walk with me to the nurses station and I would tell them I was happy to shower him myself if no one was available. A CNA would come and say, “Mr. Appleton, are you ready for a shower now? “ He would reply no, not really. The CNA would then look at me and say we are not aloud to make him. I would then repeat what I said to him and he would start walking toward the shower room. This is what worked for him and a year later that is how I trained his morning aide to address the situation. He is showered daily. Hope you can find a method that works for your mom. I wish there was training that explained the difference between “making” someone do something and “getting” someone to do something. Best wishes!
Unfortunately no, they cannot force hygiene. With staff being trained it can still be very difficult to get the resident to be cooperative with this. Ask if they are trying even when it’s not “her shower day”. This should be something they are attempting daily if not a couple times a day. Maybe a change in medication would help. There are mood stabilizing medications that may help her to be more cooperative without causing her to be drowsy. All in all though, care cannot be forced on anyone.
No, the facility can't make her. Was that the question?
What the facility (or more accurately, individual members of staff under pressure, overworked and probably undertrained and underpaid too) mustn't do is use your mother's refusals as an excuse for not keeping up attempts to encourage, motivate and support her (I haven't yet descended to naked bribery unless "- and then I'll get you a lovely cup of tea and your sandwich" counts!).
There could be a couple of dozen different reason for your mother's refusals, from not recognising the clothes she is offered to not feeling confident with individual aides to being too tired to its being the wrong time of day to there being some physical problem she doesn't want anyone to see. Any idea why she might be reluctant?
You can't make someone with dementia do anything. Forcing them to change or shower will cause confrontation. Refusing to bathe or shower is very common and the MC staff should be trained in dealing with such hygiene situations. Have they tried sponge bathing? With the proper techniques you can get a patient to agree to bathe.
Totally agree. I take care of my mom at home and she refused showering about 6 months ago. I came up with alternatives she was OK with, sponge bathing and bathing wipes. You have to get creative sometimes.
They can’t make her, but most facilities have staff that are well experienced in care for patients with dementia and know how to talk them into doing tasks like you name. I’d be asking why they aren’t working with her instead of asking her and then giving up.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Ex: Mrs E do you want to go to therapy? Mrs E "no". I told the therapist don't ask tell. Mrs E time for therapy. Mrs E "ok".
I found the aide at AL saying, Do you want to go to the bathroom. Mom of course said no. I told the aide just say "bathroom time" Aide told me they are suppose to ask as a question. I said, then u are going to get a lot of Nos. They finally found that saying "your daughter wants you to..." worked.
My daughter says you have to make them feel they made the decision. Like "Mrs E wouldn't you feel so much better after a nice shower and clean clothes". Then they may say "yes".
This was 3 unbelievable years ago. There have been zero falls. She ambulates well. She's alive. There is no distinct odor. I can't believe it either and am grateful. She shows signs of sporadic minimal incontinence. I have had several aides out before COVID who lacked the right talent to convince her. I have taken all the suggestions. She and I have an antagonistic relationship that has not improved with the dementia. Sometimes she talks under her breath and my appearance will sometimes result in the often laughable, barely audible "Get Lost. That would be good." comment. She is also the same with my father.
I intend to try again with a different agency when things get better, but I am fearful of bringing the COVID into the house where we all live.
All you can do is try, and if it doesn't happen, remember it's not the end of the world. It creates a stressor for us as caregivers, using energy we're short of. Once I got over the shock of what that first nurse told me, it relieved my guilt and I didn't fret as much. I go back and forth and think it's horrible, I should try again/try harder...it just will take the right person...but my mother is difficult and I realize there may not be a right person ever. She may be a match even for Teepa Snow! In the meantime we carry on one day at a time adjusting for her safety and our sanity...
What the facility (or more accurately, individual members of staff under pressure, overworked and probably undertrained and underpaid too) mustn't do is use your mother's refusals as an excuse for not keeping up attempts to encourage, motivate and support her (I haven't yet descended to naked bribery unless "- and then I'll get you a lovely cup of tea and your sandwich" counts!).
There could be a couple of dozen different reason for your mother's refusals, from not recognising the clothes she is offered to not feeling confident with individual aides to being too tired to its being the wrong time of day to there being some physical problem she doesn't want anyone to see. Any idea why she might be reluctant?