My mother has early-stage dementia. She REFUSES to let home health into their home or let family help without ugliness. Suggestions?

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My mother has early-stage dementia. She REFUSES to let home health into their home or let family help without ugliness. Suggestions?

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They do not both meet the requirement of failure to do two ADLs, which is required by their long term care insurance that they have paid into for many years. But, they are not showering or doing laundry. And her cooking is worrisome, with her memory loss. She is also mean to my Dad, yet jolly to those on the phone. How can we help them when she won't allow it?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Home Care Living Independently Refusing Care

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You can't help them. If everyone is helping them keep their make believe independent life intact, they will never agree to outside help.

I would have everyone back off, let them flounder and see what happens. Maybe the light bulb will go on.

Whatever you do, don't let them move in with you. That would be a very bad move.

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Nobody is really helping them now. Thays the problem. Only my brother and his wife are involved ad POA. Med checks for my dad is about all that is allowed. The lightbulb is not going on. She ignores what is not done or cared for, except my dad's meals. Hygiene help is most needed. Perhaps they can get another order for in-home health from his doctor, but there is a high need and low availability. Getting them in the door is the problem. I think my mom could grow to appreciate it. Irony... she was a paid Visiting Angel in her last job.

I am in another state. My brother has poa and lives there. They will never be allowed to move in to his home.

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Your only choice is to let events take their course. Unless your parents fail competency tests, their lifestyle, while worrisome, is not your choice. Let your dad know you will help him if he asks you. Let them both know you are available only for some specific tasks. As an "elderly" person, I plan to live independently as long as I can and would vigorously resist someone coming into my home without my consent. My mom also refused help until age 97 when she had a stroke and passed in hospice shortly thereafter. She lived on tea and peanut butter toast.

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I agree and have seen this topic addressed many times here that one cannot force their help on a senior parent unless they are deemed to be incapacitated, yet there’s a large percent of folks who don’t accept that reality and try to find other ways around it, such as possibly giving an agency a key to their parents home so a caregiver can let themselves in. I think in most cases this type of coercive or forcing will only make the parent more turned off to it. If one thinks their parent needs help to the point they’re considering giving someone else a key to let themselves in their parents home they legally need to get conservatorship first but many folks don’t want the hassle and stress of that legal process and instead continue trying to go around it. I understand being worried but if one is truly worried about a parents ability to remain in their home and take care of things the bottom line is either accept it, offer help but it’s up to the parent to accept it or get conservatorship

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Oh my goodness we just went through the same thing with mom. As much as we don’t want to, we told her if she wanted them gone then that was on her snd she would need to tell them. And she did! We got her a “fall alert” system. super easy to set up and then let life happen. So far so good. She had a fall within a few day of her “firing” everyone but she used her alert thing and the fire rescue came to her aid. Before all of her problems being in the hospital, after a bad fall, she would leave the house to get groceries or go to the doctors office, but after that, she would not leave the house. Not even to take out the trash. Since she has fired, everyone, she has actually gone to the mailbox and taken and brought in her trash. we all explain to her that with her decision of firing everyone, we all had jobs, so if there was an emergency, she would have to take care of it herself. We were hoping that that would convince her that she did need some occasional help. But that has not been the case. Ha ha ha. Mom is a stubborn gal. She said she would let us know when she’s ready to go to assisted living, and that she does feel like she needs a smaller home. But she is not ready to go to any place for assistance. I called her every night to make sure that she is eaten at least once whatever she eats, she eats. Sometimes she eats a lean cuisine and a popsicle, and then some time she asked me to DoorDash her a big meal. I am more than happy to do that for her. She does have memory issues, but I think it’s more to her age because she is 85. I agree with what others have said here you just gotta let it go and let it happen. That was very very hard to do. I am here to tell you. It is very hard. We only want the best and safety for our parents. Even if they treated us like crap growing up. I think because we kids did everything we could, or that she would let us do, I do not feel guilty anymore. We would jump if she needed help of course but we are no longer trying to thwart it. It is what it is. Her life the way she wants it even if it’s not healthy food wise or clean wise . She will not even let me send over weekly house keeping.

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Just want to add another item for consideration as your journey continues. My Mom refused “help” also. I introduced her to a “friend” (in reality a compensated companion). After a few intros as my friend, K started “dropping by” Mom’s to go for a walk, see if she needed anything from the store, etc. They eventually began occasional cooking meals together and it worked out well…until K moved.

When we noticed medication consistency lapsing, we bought Mom an Alexa and programmed reminders. You could do similar for meds, laundry day, put the trash out, pm safety check—-doors are locked, faucets and stove off. We kept Mom in her own home 700’ from us until it was no longer safe. She is thriving in AL. Best wishes as you journey.

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Showering or otherwise keeping clean is an ADL. You indicate that she may not be able to feed them either.

Lots of people say that their loved ones have early stage dementia. Maybe that’s a way to deny what is really going on. I don’t know in this case, but it seems like more than early stage from what you describe.

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Do not have parents move in with you .
sounds to me like they need live in home care or assisted living. Sounds as if Mom may need 24/7 supervision to be safe at home and it may be too much for Dad to handle.
Call your local Agency of Aging . They will send a social worker to assess their needs. Perhaps the social worker can talk Mom into allowing help in the house , or assisted living if that is needed.

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It took many falls, including in the bathroom for my LO to accept help. Choice: Accept help or move into care.

Happiliy today, LO loves the 'ladies' (& the occassional man) that come. Trust was gained & they provide excellent company & assistance.
My LO is happy for others to do household chores, laundry & any other boring tasks.

However, if you have a housepround housewife who's identity is connected to keeping house herself - this is different.

Still need to build trust, but the worker will need to involve Mom, let her think she is in still charge of the task.. they can do *together* rather than the task bekng taken over. As trust grows, Mom can let go a little. 🤞

We had to install a keybox for EMS to gain access. (Another choice: agree to the keybox or lay on the floor forever).

The care staff also use the keybox now. (Another choice: let staff let themselves in or risk them leaving when not let in)

* Staying home as long as possible *

At some point, the line into *not* possible is in view. I see it not far ahead..

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Thank you for the suggestions. I agree with you that it is only a matter of time.

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"I am starting to think this is more of a personal choice or power struggle for control.."

Interesting...

Stubborness.. Anger? Fear of change? Fear of losing control?

Sometimes people think: If I don't accept help = I am independant. This is faulty thinking.

If I am become hearing impaired, I can choose to get advise to see if hearing aides will help me. If so, I can wear them & (hopefully) hear better.

Refusing hearing aides will not mean I can still hear.

Being open to change takes bravery, strength & trust.

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Thank you. Perhaps telling her "refusing help does not mean she's independent" could help. I try to stay on the motivational side, though, than saying what she is "not", because she is so very defensive. We can't force her to accept help. I don't understand not accepting help when you know you need it.

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"My brother and his wife do all they can.."

What would happen if your brother & wife stopped helping?

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I introduced caregivers as my “friends who were coming over to help”. I was afraid I would get a bad reaction when introducing care, so I decided to get creative because my mother, eve now, says she does not need help. I say, “it is more for me since I have to work”. She thinks it is a favor for me, now her.

It’s gone surprisingly well. Not one rejection of a caregiver. Please do make sure you find on compatible to them.

If you live far away (didn’t check profile) perhaps a trip for the “friend introduction”. Just get them the car, who needs their approval. My mom is also mean to family and nice to everyone else. Your mom might enjoy it after a day or two. Good luck. Stay strong.

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Clever!

NHWM

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My parents & aunt were adamant about no strangers coming in.

We started out saying the caregivers were going to come and do a little housekeeping & laundry. Slowly the caregiver started assisting with bathing & meal help.

Once they felt comfortable and liked the caregiver they enjoyed a friendship & looked forward to them coming.

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That was exactly our intent. It's a good plan. She's a brick wall.
I guess we will have to get the In Home Health care order reinstated when she finally relents. She currently sees nothing wrong with their lifestyle. Thank you.

My mother has early-stage dementia. She REFUSES to let home health into their home or let family help without ugliness. Suggestions?

31 Answers

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