My mom is caregiver to her mom (my grandmother) and I have come to hate my grandmother with a boiling passion even to the point where I hate referring to her as my grandmother). My mom tries very hard to make time for me but her mother is always interfering and causing some sort of problem. I am getting married this year, my mom has hardly been able to help because of her mother- my mother has come to a couple appointments but it caused such a headache cause her mother needed something at these exact same times. I am exhausted over fighting for my mom's time. I feel like I am competing with my mom's mom for my moms time and attention. My mom and I use to be super close, but I am to the point where I just do not even want to put any effort into our mother/daughter relationship. My mom knows how I feel and she gets upset as she is just trying to make her mother happy. I have been very vocal about hating her mother. I want to give up on trying to have a relationship w my mom and maybe after her mom dies, she will have time for me. I am heartbroken.
I hope you are already in pre-marital counseling (if you are not, there's no time like the present, and it's really useful). Ask your counselor to make a reccommendation of who you can go see to have some "joint therapy time" for you and your mom. Make an appointment with that person for the two of you, and THEN tell your mom when it is and that she needs to be there. If she won't go, well, there's your answer on her. You should go anyway because you can talk about strategies to use to deal with - not overcome, not understand and make allowances for - but deal with your mom's lack of boundaries with her elderly manipulative mthr.
Therapy helped me deal with mthr, and it also helped me in my relationship with my dear hubby. If you come out of a family where prioritizing is a problem, like it is for your mom, you need some work to learn new patterns. The first book my therapist had me read is called Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud. It's cheap on Amazon, Walmart, or Kroger for that matter, and an excellent resource. Best Wishes!!
Does mom need help in learning to say no to people?
I don't know if that is the case with you, but it sounds like you are very angry with both your mom and your grandmother. Please try to remember that in your mom's case, and especially if your grandmother is abusive, she is probably severely stressed out trying to take care of her mom.
Sometimes we get into these situations taking care of dysfunctional elderly parents that are very demanding. It sounds like your mom needs your love and support right now, and I'm sure she loves you very much, she is probably just TIRED with a capital T. I myself felt like I was neglecting my kids taking care of my mom when she was living here with us because I was so tired and worn out.
I agree that a therapist could help you work through your feelings about all of this. Mine has been a lifesaver for me, especially with my crazy family.
I'm sure you love your mom and only want to spend more time with her. I had friends that couldn't understand why I was giving all my time to my family to my own mother and father. I think you grandmother is lucky to have such a devoted and loving daughter.
It is hard to reach your 80s and 90s its a very vulnerable time. And grandparents do need their adult children for help. But I can see how it can also be overwhelming and cause family resentments. Maybe there is more to this story and we are not sure why you feel the way you do about your grandmother. I wonder if you feel like you grandmother did something to your mother and somehow doesn't deserve her care.
I would strongly suggest you talk to your mother and see what supports she can access from the community and from church. She sounds like she might be reaching the burn out phase. Maybe consider family therapy or talking to social worker.
Anger and resentment is a symptom of a bigger issue. We all have the right to be angry but also its important to get to the bottom of our feelings. I truly hope you will talk honestly with your mom. And hopefully be able to offer your mom some love and compassion for her situation.
Speaking of which, you are about to become a married woman. Your first priority should be your new husband. Making a marriage work takes maturity and dedication from both people. Some posters on this board are caregiving for their in-laws. What would you do if your husband was charged with caring for one of his relatives?
Cut your mother some slack. Stop upsetting her by demanding her attention. There’s only one of her. Be a little compassionate. J
Know that elderly people sometimes get nasty as they start to loose physical and mental capacity. It may happen to your mom or yourself....it is fairly common. Try to show compassion for your mom and grandmother. Maybe your mom does need some time, luckily you are about to start your own family. Try to focus on the positive things you have going on.