I think we hit another stage of dementia lately. My mother is almost 97 is getting so much more hostile with me.
We live together, she has no money other than SS and she makes too much for medicaid or financial assistance. She is back to accusing me of stealing from her. There is nothing to steal.
She says that I lock her up in her room which is a mother in a law apartment..and she isn't locked up. She literally come out whenever she wants but now she "sneaks"around. What she does is constantly ask Alexa to check the cameras and when she see I am gone she will come out of her room go through my side table in the living room (for things I took). She thinks I am holding mail back even though it is on the counter so she goes and checks the mailbox but instead of coming through the front door she walks through the ditch and comes in the backyard gate and goes in her room that way.
Well, we thought she did that yesterday but turns out she went and visited a neighbor or something because she was gone for 30 min and actually came in the front door. She isn't social so this isn't normal.
When I asked where she went so we (me and my daughter) would know if anything happened she flipped out and accused me having control issues and she can do whatever she wants.
She is in denial of having dementia and is a show timers expert. Her behavior started changing about 5 years ago and now it seems she slipping down that rabbit hole. I don't take anything she says to heart, I know it isn't her fault.
I literally don't know what me and my daughter will do this summer when business picks up and we both have to work. She can't be left home alone for a bunch of reasons. She won't accept a care taker because according to her nothing is wrong and she is a hoarder so no one can see her apartment.
Oh and I have been trying to get a POA for the last 3 years and she refuses.
Thanks for the vent...she is mentally draining me like no other.....
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her being alone, especially since you said that she almost caught something on fire.
If you have work to tend to. Please hire someone to sit. As far as her not accepting it, how can she object to it? It’s your home. It’s your decision, not hers.
Caregivers know how to handle these issues. My husband’s paternal grandfather did not want a caregiver.
My in-laws hired a caregiver anyway. He got angry and would fire her every single day. She was a great caregiver and took care of all his needs.
My in-laws instructed the caregiver to ignore that he fired her on a daily basis. That’s precisely what she did. What could he do? He was a very frail old man and couldn’t physically throw her out.
Best wishes to you and your family.
1. One option-If a doctor can sign a statement she is still legally able to identify who her family members are, her assets, the consequences of her making a will, you can take it to an estate planning attorney to have her sign a standard POA if she agrees.
This will save you and her bc you can make her decisions and handle her mail so you cannot be falsely accused of taking her mail.
Honestly, isn’t all her mail just bills and requests for money from charities and ads anyway? Having her doctor sign that she us still aware of her decisions will help you and her legally get her POA in order for you to care for her.
2-If doctor says no, then perhaps two doctors can certify she is unable to care for herself. In CA, law requires two doctors to sign off that she is not able to make her own decisions. This is if doctor won’t sign that your mother is ok to make her own legal decisions. That first option is your best to get a POA so you can handle her mail, secure her valuables and admit her into memory care later paid for her, because later doctors can sign she has a disability making insurance cover her stay at Medicare or State medical care.
NOTE-people are in a hurry to gain the rights of the patient which is a huge mistake. Then you cannot convince her she will get better medical care in assisted living. They need to voluntarily agree to go then and have doctor sign that patient is legally able to make own decision to do so.
There is time for the next doctor’s appt for the doctor to then certify in writing the patient cannot legally care for themself.
3- Third and best option is to have her sign a Durable Power of Attorney w a notary immediately. If you don’t get the patient to sign a State Durable POA with your added in info (about her agreeing to let you handle her mail, her housing, and secure her possessions, and write in date POA becomes effective) then you need a conservatorship which is huge hassle and expensive.
So go to your State website to get official Durable Power of attorney and have your mother sign with a notary ASAP. This is so important before doctors certify her as unable to make her own decisions. Then you also can make claims against her estate when she passes away for your time if you keep valid records a with evidence.
Also, Federal govt now pays in home family caretakers. Look it up. After you get her to sign Durable POA with a notarlo for you to handle things, she cannot accuse you of hiding her things, because you have duty to manage and process and keep them for safekeeping.
The Durable POA can be put into effect immediately, on a specific future date, or when two doctors certify her as unable to care for herself (in CA.) Our lawyer recommended immediately. Then you don’t need two doctors to certify she is unable to care for herself.
Good luck and much empathy to you.
For Medicaid there is an asset cap that has to be met. Then there is an income cap. In my State its $2523. You need to find out what that income cap is in ur State. I know one OPs was very low but I was told its how that State factors in different things and comes to a total.
There is Medicaid for health, in home and LTC. Each has its own criteria.
If anything, do not use your money to pay any of her bills. You don't want to be in old age and broke, or relying on your own kid, to survive.
She can pitch a fit all she wants about a sitter while you're at work. Let her hide in her room and pout. She will accept a sitter or you will have no choice but to get her into memory care. It's up to her, and "none" is not an option.
You are using her SS to pay her CC debt.
Not the right thing to do. That's unsecured debt. It makes NO difference what her credit rating is if she's is old and infirm. Any Elder Law attorney will tell you that.
You let the CC debt go to collections. So what?
I really think you need to make an appointment with an Elder Law attorney. What you think you know is hurting you.
Amazing that you have lived with her for 20 years. None of your siblings will ever take her out or watch her while you go out? Why not? Are they mad because you are on the deed to the house with her?
Are you resistant to consulting an elder care attorney?
There is no recovery if you own the home.
I think you would greatly benefit from talking to a certified Elder Law attorney.
She doesn't get a say as to whether you bring in a someone to care for your home, and for all you know, they might strike up a friendship.
There are ways to spend down and there are shared income trusts.
There are Waiver Programs that pay for in-home care.
Do you know all about those?
If she does qualify this go around it will be trying to convince her she will need to go to one or even allow a care taker.
Is she just saying "I don't qualify" and you believe it?
IF she doesn't qualify for Medicaid, then she would qualify for some kind of Medicare, wouldn't she?
You're not PoA and she won't give it to you. If she refuses to at least allow you some 'control' (and that's not the best word to use)--then she needs to live elsewhere.
I would def pay for a consult with an ElderCare atty and find out EXACTLY what your options are.
Since she has a separate MIL apartment, I would change the locks on my house, and make it completely impossible for her to come to your part of the house.
For 97, she's a pretty slippery character!
I have thought about the lock thing but not to long ago she almost had a fire in there and her apartment is connected to the house.
She is on medicare and has been on it for years but they don't pay for assisted living or any other kind of help. I just put in a call for medicare long term care..there is a 3 month wait list for a call back.. Also we are both on the deed for the house so I don't know how that will work in the long run.
As POA is not there you will need emergency guardianship or conservatorship to get Mom into a facility where she can be safe. See a Licensed Social Worker to find out your options moving forward.