After a failed marriage of 17 years to a narcissist, I moved home to my hometown and bought my first home, 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. I bought a home with an extra bedroom with my mother in mind as she is aging. Her living conditions were anything but desirable and unsafe. She has COPD and smokes like a chimney. She is a crafter. Many social activities with her friends. But she has completely dominated my house. I had my private bathroom in my office (smallest bedroom in my house), my room and the extra room for her. I don't allow smoking in the house, but said she can come in my office to smoke when she can't go outside. She has not "been able to go outside at all." She moved her stuff into my private bathroom in the office, and her recliner. She now uses my office as her private living room and smokes the day away watching the Hallmark channel. I expressed my concerns about being pushed out of MY private domain, and she blows up at me: "It's not fair, you can't do this to me, I knew this would happen." Boo hoo. Guilt trip. Mind you, she has a bedroom and has also taken over my sun room for her crafting. The only privacy I have is in my bedroom. She has pushed me out of my office because everything stinks like cigarettes. I can't study for my nursing school in my office because "shes watching tv and smoking." I told her I needed my office and again, she says I can't do this to her, boo hoo. I just don't know a practical and delicate way to tell her she needs to back off. I didn't buy her a home, I bought me one with a room, (one room) for her. Well, and I conceded in my garden room so she could have "her dream" of a huge 24x24 crafter haven. Help? I mean, I left a dominating husband to come home to be dominated my my aging mother. And before she moved in, I set the boundaries and we talked about it, but once she was here, things changed. I feel defeated, lost, walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Decide what YOU want to do. If it is having mom live with you then enforce your rules. Assuming you have shared space in a living room and kitchen then this should at least include you having the spare bedroom or sunroom if not both. Smoking should be an absolute prohibition . If you allow it , then only outside. Perhaps get input from her doctor and help with her quitting . It is expensive and very harmful to your health as well as hers. I would think with COPD she has been advised many times to quit. You are enabling her. You don’t speak about finances but hopefully she pays her share of expenses, meaning half! The most you should have is an ashtray on the back porch for her — and not right next to the house either ..you don’t want her having the door open and that smoke getting inside . Even at this , the smoke will cling to her and so your home will still smell.
If she can’t abide by the rules , then she needs to leave. Perhaps she can go to a senior apartment which as others have said are subsidized. She is not yet old ..and should still be able to handle it ..otherwise you are also setting yourself up to be a caregiver which will not be easy with her personality. These places usually have waiting lists so get her on them now . Your community might have several so get her on all the lists .
And just a warning — when you become a nurse , they also will take advantage of your altruistic nature and ask for more than you can sometimes give. So be aware that you need downtime too. Don’t work constant overtime and also be adamant about being paid for all hours worked. ( common to see nurses who won’t put in for incidental OT when they missed lunch or stayed an extra twenty minutes. Your time is not free! Nursing is a demanding profession and can burn you out.
make sure mom knows that all this is nonnegotiable . Reclaim at least one of the spaces - spare room or sunroom for your office. If she has the spare bath then make the other one yours privately . Share expenses AND maintenance tasks like cooking and cleaning. And NO SMOKING in any enclosed space!
good luck
Some suggestions:
1. Get three therapy suggestions for yourself specifically to talk about healthy boundaries.
2. Tell Mom you have to live in a smoke free environment for your health. Put up no smoking signs all over the place. Put a lawn chair outside and an ashtray outside and tell her that is the
only place she can smoke on your property. I worked for a company in Cleveland and the smokers would have to go outside across the street to smoke in 10 degree rainy and snowy weather.
3. I'd give her 8 weeks to move. Hire a movers to move her bed and lazy boy. Tell her the movers are coming on ____day to move her things. Find a mobile home, condo or apartment for her or let her find a place.
4. You are very, very young. Smoking devalues real estate.
5. At some point you may want to get back into the dating pool. There are nice men in your age bracket. Having a smoking Mom at your house will be a huge negative to any man you meet. Get her out of the house.
6. She is very young at 66. I live in Florida and there are many people in their 70's working.
Encourage her to get a job.
Your needle is skipping. You brought into your home someone you knew was not an adult. COPD and smokes? Are you crazy? You took that in.
You knew what she was and you flung open the door. Really, what was your motive?
I've got to say it again. Even no COPD, and just plain smoking. Holy c—p. STINK!!! And please, what a complete picture, crafts, smoking, spreading out, and love movies. It's so, so, so, sad. What a fine example.
Living in undesirable and unsafe conditions? A perspective house mate has to prove their worthiness by showing that they are already living sensibly by being organized, and clean (soap doesn't cost much) and that their word was their bond. Even with a health challenge, they must show, for instance, that they were not stupid enough to have COPD and still smoke, and that as much as they liked crafting they didn't spend what little money they had on smokes, glue, paper and tape. For crying out loud. Are your eyes open? Money to by cigarettes and crafts, holy cr-p. If she likes crafting, go to a senior center.
Did you ever see her have self-respect? Did she ever show you self-respect?
Any adult women who boo-hoo's is a clown. This is the tactic of a manipulating child. But if you buckle to it your part of her circus, your a clown too.
You did this. She is not even the problem. You knew what would happen but you had an ulterior motive that you ought to think deep and hard about because it will repeat.
You told your mom at the outset what your areas and her areas were. The minute she put a tissue into your space you should've shoved her stuff in a box and say "first infraction. Three more and we look for an apartment for you". Punctuate with a big smile and a shrug.
OMG, who the hell cries after 12 years old?
You're begining to harbor resentment? You're very funny.
Just one question here. Whose house is it?
As I understood it it is YOURS. If she dominates your house, it is because you
have allowed it.
The first time she took over your garden room to craft, this first time your mother smoked anyplace other than the rooms you designated, the first time you backed down while she blew up, she had you.
She violated your boundaries. You had the discussion but I bet she knew you would not enforce them. Is this a theme in your relationships? Just a thought.
Had you had a chance to heal from your divorce before she moved in? Had you had a chance to look at the part you played in relationships with domineering people?
You are NOT defeated, or lost. Why should you walk on eggshells in YOUR home?
She has options. The two of you could find her a senior place she can live in on her own and do what she likes. She sounds like she is of sound mind. Get your life and peace of mind back. Time to enforce YOUR rules. Or find her somewhere else to live.
There is no practical or delicate way to say what you know you need to say.
Tell her in a firm voice the rules you want respected in YOUR house if she is to live with you.
You got out of one abusive situation to land in another?
"It's not fair"?
How about it's not fair that you took her in in the first place?
How about it's not fair that she gets to do what she wants while you feel confined to one room? In a house YOU are responsible for.
How about it is not fair that you lost your privacy?
How about it is not fair you have to put up with cigarette smoke? Yuck!
Then, there is the safety issue with smokers. Dropped ashes, embers or smoking in bed. If think your mother won't do that next....no boundaries....
You're better than me in that respect as NO smoking in my house means that.
When my brother lived with me, I said NO smoking in the house. So he would smoke outside. He tried once in his room blowing the smoke out of the window and I smelled it and said NO smoking indoors. He did not try that again but ended up breaking the staunch rule(not this one) that I told him NEVER to break.
Not once, twice but three times. Fool was I but when enough was enough,
3 strikes you are out. People do what you allow them to.
I told him to move out. No arguing. Did I feel guilty for putting him out? At times
as he was struggling but I was not willing to live with what he did.
You have to draw a line in the sand for your life and your peace. When a person crosses it, then THEY have to deal with the consequences. Your mother does not sound appreciative of the help you tried to give.
You tried to help her but unless she is willing to respect YOU, your home and the rules, she can't stay there.
Was this move temporary or long term? Did you think this plan out or she cried, you panicked, felt sorry for her and moved her in. In the midst of recovering from a divorce? Why? Lonely? Afraid to be alone? Ask yourself why?
You have a right of peace while you recover from your divorce.
Get your peace back!
You KNOW what you need to do. You just needed encouragement to do it.
Good luck!
You need to "pull up your big girl pants" and begin to enforce your "rules". It is your house, assuming she does not pay for part of it. Easy to say, however, very tough to practice, especially since your Mom has learned that house rules can be ignored when it comes to you.
I would suggest that you find a therapist to help you and support you through this time and/or read books and follow them on how to discipline a teenager.
If doing this behavior modification is too hard on you, I suggest that you come to the reality that your Mom and you cannot live in the same space, and look for another place for both of you to live, like a duplex or 2 condo units in the same apartment complex.
Your Mom is bullying you. She will only change her behavior if you force her to change. You must take charge and change your behavior, if you are going to survive this period of your life.
This suggests two options: 1) You’re a troll who just wanted to stir people up; or 2) No-one said what you wanted to hear.
Just in case you really wanted someone to suggest a magic solution that would change your mother instead of needing you to change, here’s something a bit in the middle.
Take mother out for a coffee. Sit outside so she can smoke, and take a box of tissues with you. Tell her your new rules, and say she has 2 weeks to shape up or ship out. If she doesn’t, you will take her to a hotel and change the locks on the house (actually change one lock and put bolts inside the others – it’s cheaper). You will pack a suitcase to take to the hotel with her, and you will put all her other things in big plastic boxes ready to take to her new home. Leave her with the tissues and taxi fare, and walk out. If you want to be dramatic, take an egg with you and crack the shell into your coffee cup as you leave.
This should tell both of you that you mean it, and it gives mother 2 weeks to think about it. If you can’t do this, perhaps your best bet is to move somewhere else and just let mother have the whole house to herself. She can then make her living conditions undesirable and unsafe, just like before, and you aren't forced to stand up for yourself. Why not?
The best thing you can do is to move mom OUT of your house and into a place of her own where she can do whatever she pleases w/o repercussions and w/o bothering anyone or causing them to get cancer from second hand smoke. Senior independent living places are GREAT alternatives & would give her a source of activities and socialization she is not getting in your house. Plus it would get her out of YOUR home & give you a chance to breathe again, literally & figuratively. Your mother does not and will not respect boundaries, and must have things HER WAY which means she needs to live in her own place. Not yours. I love ya ma, I just need you to move out so we can continue having a relationship and I won't wind up disliking you in the end. We can have lunch or dinner once a week and catch up together instead of cohabitating b/c it's NOT working out. Let me help you find a new place to live. Tomorrow. April 1st is coming right up so if you hurry, you can get her into a new place by then!
It was a nice try that didn't work out. No harm done. Just get her out NOW before she's so entrenched in your home and in your life that you'll need a chisel to get her out. And remember 3 decades. It's a LONG time, a lifetime, really, and there's no time to waste!
GOOD LUCK!
While my work on myself has led to a successful and rewarding relationship now, I did not live with my mother, nor did I invite her into my home as a permanent guest.
I will say again: THIRTY YEARS of work went into a positive caregiving relationship for both of us.
This question has nothing to do with caregiving.
You grew up in an environment that distorted your boundaries to such an extent that you married an abuser. Then, first chance you got, you returned home and invited your original abuser into your home. You hold the power to claim your life. But, not without a long, hard look at yourself and even harder development of skills and boundaries to ensure you learn to care for yourself and stop enabling others. You do not have those skills now.
The only question you should ask is to the person in the mirror: will you start today to learn the skills you need for a successful life, or waste even more time by staying in abusive relationships?
True story: My dear friend's mother recently contracted lung cancer AND passed away due to second hand smoke; her husband smoked for years in the home while she inhaled it and SHE, herself was never a smoker of nicotine.
There is a lot to be said for just doing it – give her notice with a chance to change (that’s only fair), keep a note for evidence, take her and her belongings to a hotel, and change the locks. Let her work out how to find and pay for a lawyer, if she wants to go down that path. In the circumstances you have described, she may have difficulty in finding anyone willing to try to force you take her back in.
So she cries, so what? It seems to me that you need to read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I had to get therapy in order to be able to assert myself. You can do it. The world won't come to an end when you say "no". I thought it would. The first time it took me 3 weeks to say "no", suprising how freeing it is.