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SIgh,...This is nothing new. I have expereinced this since 50+years. My mother says whatever she can, in my presence, to put down my father. It just never stops. Blames him for everything. Nothing positive. He sits there as usual and says nothing. Both in their 80s. Feel sorry for them both that there is no happiness at life's last stages. But seriously, I avoid going to visit more than I have to to avoid the constant and continual verbal abuse. Trying to live my life happily and no longer feel guilty or not worthy.



Now they are in assisted living. Dad is wheelchair bound with prostate cancer; Mom has macular degeneration and can no longer live by herself. Moved them down to Florida where my husband and I retired. It's been a nightmare ever since.

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Additionally is either of them ready for a different level of care? If so, separating them might be a blessing for your dad. Is he on hospice for his cancer? I think there are hospice facilities, aren't there? He deserves some peace and not to be ragged on by your mom all day every day.

Does mom qualify for living in a nursing home? Maybe it's time for her to do that since she can't live alone and who knows how long your dad will survive with cancer (sorry to say)?
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PeopleHugger, I had an Aunt/Uncle who were like that. Arguing all the time.

Eventually my cousins thought it was "verbal foreplay" for the Aunt/Uncle. When my Uncle had passed, my Aunt truly did miss him.
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My mother treated my father the same way. When dad became wheelchair bound and they went into Assisted Living, the mistreatment got even worse. Dad was *gasp* pushing his wheelchair into the walls and scratching them up, making a 'mess' of things in my mother's estimation. So she had nothing but ridicule for him as a result. My DH & I were called over there many times to break up the fights that ensued, b/c my father finally started giving back some nastiness to her after all those years! She didn't like it one little bit.

After dad died, my mother went into a wheelchair herself. You should see the dings and scratches SHE made in HER walls with the wheelchair. But there was nobody around to ridicule her as she'd done to dad all that time.

Mom lived to 95 years old, 7 years after dad passed away, with nobody to torture but me, her only child. So I took her abuse in small doses myself, and visited her for short periods of time, as her dementia progressed along with her mobility issues, etc. I truly think God kept her alive as long as He did so she could experience first hand what dad did, and feel what it was like to go through what he did.

Be glad your folks are in AL and you can keep your contact limited. I know it's still A LOT of work to care for 2 elderly parents, even when they do live in AL. But at least you can leave when mom gets too abusive towards dad, b/c it's a horrible thing to witness, I know.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.
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At least they are in AL!

How about taking dad out for a walk in his wheelchair WITHOUT mom's nasty negativity? Leave her behind with her nonsense.

I know you can't really change her at this late point of her life but you can set a line where you don't take it in and take it to heart. IGNORE her. Do you tell her to stop it?
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lealonnie1 Sep 2022
I would do that frequently; take dad out for a walk in his wheelchair and leave my mother behind. At least he'd have a short window of time w/o all that harping and negativity to listen to!
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