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Richard, everything that needs to be said has been. I am just adding my voice of support. You are not a bad son. You tried 2x before, and it will only be worse at this stage. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your marriage, and your mother by placing her in a NH. You will be able to cherish your mother rather than the dark scenario if you tried to take care of her at home.
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We are at the same point with my husband's grandmother (more like a mom) however we are 43 years old and have her living with us. I can not imagine doing what we are doing at 72!! And Grandma is still (barley) walking. We are also considering a nursing home at this point. This is what people have told me. You ARE taking care of her by putting her into a facility. Once it gets to a certain point, you can only do so much and there is 24 hour care in a facility! Chin up!!
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Prayers are coming your way.
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Here's the thing, Richard. You're going to have guilt either way - if putting in an AL or NH, bringing her home and resenting her being there, guilt if she signs a DNR and if she doesn't, etc. etc. It comes with the job. You will always second guess if you did the right thing. I did the very best I could for my mom and that's all I could do.
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Nothing more to add to the wisdom already expressed. Surrounding you with supportive thoughts
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Richard, God bless your caring heart. You have tough decision coming up, but it sounds like you're sensible. At age 72 you have your own health to think of too. It sounds like your mom needs 24/7 care and placing her in a NH and keeping a good eye on her treatment there is the best thing for all involved. I'd be proud to have a son who cares as much as you. I will pray for peace for you, and doors of opportunities to open for a good place to care for your mom. God is always with you, lean on Him.
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rovana Jan 2019
Amen!
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I think you've answered your own question.........remember that it's not just about 'you' but about your mother as well. What's best for HER? Living with you is obviously not the right decision for HER sake. She needs to be someplace where she can be cared for by professionals, and where the staff is not emotionally involved with her. I remind myself of this all the time............I would never have mother live with me because it wouldn't work out for EITHER of us. She'd be miserable with nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to *due to my DH and I working*, and I'd be miserable because we are oil & water. It's a lose/lose situation for all concerned. Try not to feel 'guilty' but confident, instead, that you are doing the best thing for your MOM! Most of us are not equipped to take care of elderly folks with tons of health and ADL issues. Just bathing alone would be impossible!! Apply for Medicaid, place her in a nursing home, and go visit her as much as possible, bringing her small gifts & food items that she enjoys. IMO, that's the best solution.

Best of luck to you!
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You absolutely should NOT bring her home. It’s not you that should feel guilty but our government. We should have a lot better options for our seniors that are government funded. How much care could we buy for the cost of one stealth bomber? Your mother should also feel ashamed for being such a pain. We as children have to stop destroying ourselves for the sake of these pains in the ass. You are 72 already for god’s sake - enough! I read a statistic that said 70% of the caregivers over 70 DIE FIRST. Also with your stress level you are very likely to get dementia yourself. Your mother has simply lived too long and that is the cause of your problem which is really no one’s fault.

Also there are some AL’s that supposedly have a few beds designated for people who run out of money. Is your mother’s one of those? If Not maybe you could transfer her to one that has some of those rooms now before the money is gone.

Also would you want to be taken care of by a person who can’t wait until your gone so they can get their life back? Considering this are you really the best person to care for her especially 24/7?
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I think you underestimate your ability to take care of your mom 24/7 even if you where younger. I have said before that, in my opinion, the marriage relationship is primary. It sounds like that would be damaged if you brought her to your home. Do not feel guilty about the government paying for her. You pay taxes, she paid taxes, now it is time for other taxpayers to pay for your mom. I'm happy to pay taxes for your mom's care. Please contact the county department of aging (in the US) for help with all of your questions.
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Just went through this with our mom.
Get filing the Medicaid paperwork asap as it takes a while. (VERY long process in our situation.)
At your mom's age and need for care, it would be best for HER to be in a place of care. I understand the mental anguish, though.

Your mom needs to qualify financially for Medicaid ($2,000 or less in assets) AND get evaluated by them as to her daily needs. That all takes time to process, so the earlier you begin the filing process, the better. Don't wait until the summer or fall.

Pick the better of the two nursing homes.

You love your mother. It hurts to make these decisions. Yet, it is LOVE that gives her the best care for what SHE needs now. However it is paid for... government funded or not.... there is no shame in getting aid. It is what the program is for.

You are a very good son. Know that. Your responsibility is to see that she has a roof over her head, food, clothing, and her medical needs met.... and according to her current and future needs - memory and physical.

In my opinion, your greater responsibility is to your wife more than to mom, so to speak, as you have taken a wife to yourself as a man. That doesn't mean that you toss mom out into the street... it just means that you need to do what is best for everyone involved... especially for your wife.

Your home is not at all set up for the kind of care that your mom is needing now, even though to you it 'might work.' What is your wife's opinion? She knows what is really needed in this situation... even if you still think it would work. Trust your wife. She is for YOU and your mom. (Really, us women are wise in these matters.)

It is best for everyone if your mother has her own nice warm room and bed, with rested staff to care for her, equipment that helps her, and people that will engage with her... at a dedicated place called a nursing home.

Believe me, YOU will rest better at night knowing that mom is safe, warm and cared for... ( A nurse here, who thought the exact things you are thinking about... with better hindsight now that mom is out of AL and into the next level of care...)

My mom (92) loves where she is at. A 'memory facility'... with her room at set at a toasty 75+ degrees... people to interact with ... and where our family calls her or visits her frequently.

Wishing you the best ~
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rovana Jan 2019
You are so right!!  Wife should have most input - women are far more likely to have a realistic idea of this situation than men of that age - and generally women are going to end up doing most of the work.
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No, you shouldn't feel guilty. Medicaid is there for just this reason. I applied for Medicaid as soon as my husband was diagnosed as needing skilled care, and I knew our income was not going to handle this without deleting everything we had and I would be left with nothing for myself. I am 83, so there was so way to increase our income. It took a while to jump through all the hoops but I do not feel guilty about this. We paid taxes for all our working years, and that is when this should be available to taxpayers.

Your choice of care centers should be able to help you with this.
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Absolutely not. Everyone will be better off if she is cared for at a facility where they have 24/7 care givers and access to nurses. Just check on her often in the nursing home. She probably does not have a lot more time to live.
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Don’t you dare take her home. Have her go to ER with UTI or something & have her stay for 3 days...then tell Social Worker you are unable to take her back home. You are not in good health or expected to be her caregiver. They will place her in a SNF. While there, see Medicaid office & they will help you apply for Medicaid. Hugs 🤗
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No you are not a bad son - your marriage comes first.  Definitely. 
Nor should you feel bad about applying to Medicaid.  As a taxpayer you have contributed to that program and your mother has used up her money for her care - no financial shenanigans, hiding money, that kind of thing.  So you have no reason for guilt.  And please keep in mind that your spouse comes before your mother.

What does her doctor say about whether her medical problems would qualify her for nursing home?  Are there other options than assisted living - group care home? If she is not mobile, it sounds like she would be nursing home qualified.  But your doctor should be able to help.  Other posters on this forum will have ideas too.
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Richard, don't you love the advice and support you've received? Such a great forum. Now how about plans for your and your wife's care for the future? Caring for my 90yr old dad has raised awareness of things I should be doing to prepare for my own care. I know now that, at 61yrs old, I should have addressed this issue years ago, but I'm getting the ball rolling now. Best wishes to you.
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Call your local senior council. They can send a nurse to assess whether you mom clinically qualifies for a nursing home. If she requires assistance with most daily living skills, she may easily qualify. If she doesn't clinically qualify, then, you need to look at other types of housing like HUD where the rent is based on her income. If nothing works and she does move in with you, you must initiate enough changes so that this time it works. For example, a separate thermostat for her room and home helper/CNA to take a good part of the burden off of you. However, I do hope that she clinically and financially qualifies. You need not feel guilty about it. Even with her living in a nursing home, there will be plenty for you to do for her.
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Apply for Medicaid ASAP. It is very difficult and traumatic for my brother to clean our mom’s butt-but he helps me and I get tired. You and your wife are probably not qualified or situated to give your mom the care she needs. It doesn’t make you a bad son. A bad son would dump her and forget about her.
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In my opinion, transitioning your Mom to a Nursing Facility is just the next step from assisted living. That's a difficult step to take for you, but, if you consider what the future is going to be like with Mom living at home with you,....there's no question as to what needs to be done. It sounds hard-hearted and maybe it is, but at 94 I'm sure your Mom has gotten the best from you that you can give.....and/or your partner can give. You, along with your Mom, are ageing. Her needs will be greater in the years to come. Can you handle that and be the best for her that she needs? How do you know if you can or cannot take care of her should she live to be 100? Best to make a decision that is going to be better for her in the long run. You don't know how long she is going to live and you don't know what will befall you in the future either. Mom needs to be protected and secure in what is left of her life.
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Richard, You are a wonderful son, indeed, and you've made a good decision.
You've expressed that your mom wants to move in with you, and you feel distressed by her desire because that is just not feasible.

She has apparently reached a point where her judgement is impaired. If she unreasonably wanted to do some other foolish thing--say she started drinking a gallon of whiskey every day--would you feel bad about refusing to get it for her? This situation is about the same. While you can rightly feel sad that she's unhappy with your decision, you shouldn't feel bad about making the best choices you can for her and sticking with it.
I'll bet she denied you some harmful stuff you wanted when you were a tot; now it's time for you to return the favor. You can tell her that or not, but you should accept it for sure.
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Richard41; Hello well thats what I did I have my mom and my Aunt liveing with me ,and you are 100% right it is NERVE WRACKING !! 24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK 365 DAYS PER YEAR it never ends .....not to mention that you say your mom has continence issues ? I have been blessed that both of my ladies are continent but they still have accidents!! And In the evening time I csn get assistance from the other family members ..But....I can not ever leave the two of them alone so I have to pay someone to sit here when I need to have a family outing or even just a small trip to the store unless 1 of the other kids will stay with her and my mom . ..be warned your life will be CONSUMED BY HER I love both my mom and my aunt and I have chosen to do it this way eaither one of them has any money except their SSI ...SO I REALLY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE!! UNLESS I had the 2 of them apply for public aide and put them in a NH but Im not gonna do that because I feel that would also be stressful haveing to deal NH and room mates and all the visits I would feel responsible to be there everyday
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sudalu Jan 2019
Lorraine12: Do it! Put them in a NH together and back off. You're no good to them dead. They will have each other. Do it! Get your life back!
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My heart breaks for you. I was caregiving my boyfriend’s parents and even lived with them the last three years before we had to move them to a facility Because we couldn’t afford to keep them in their own home anymore. On that note maybe you could talk to your wife of allowing her back home as long as you had private caregiver support in your home? That neither of you had to do it? That is an option. The Mrs. of my friends parents sounds the same as your mother. You’re not a bad son. This was the toughest job I ever had. God bless you and good luck
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Apply for Medicaid now. I see you have tried this before and it didn’t work out. You will no longer be her son, but rather her nurse maid and it is a thankless job. She needs the proper care of a NH. She won’t get any better as she ages, and may even decline even if she is moved to your home.

I take care of my mother who is 93 and she still lives in her own home, but needs plenty of help. It is NOT easy. When I can no longer care for her deteriorating condition because my own health won’t allow me to, it will be time for a NH. No way I can do any more than what I do now. It is exhausting. I need to be her daughter again and not her indentured servant.
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Richard 41 ; Another thing about haveing
Your mom live with you would be HOW DO YOU GET ANY SLEEP??at night I amThankful that most of the time my aunt sleeps really good but sometimes she wakes up screaming bloody murder and I can not calm her and I have caught her trying to get outside. I am just telling you this so you think about every aspect .There are times that I wonder what Im thinking doing this its not easy. If it was hard when she was younger it will be worse now!!not trying to scare you but want you to stop and think about this .....Nurseing homes are good they do their best ....
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XenaJada Jan 2019
This is just a small snippet of how it can go-

Many years ago, I stayed with my grandmother one weekend so that my parents could get a break from her caregiving. She wore. me. out! (and I was a young lady in my 20's at that time)! She had very mild dementia which usually caused issues whenever she would first wake up. Once awake, she was pretty cognizant of her situation and surroundings.

She lived in a small trailer. Her bedroom was at one end and the living room was on the other end. I slept on the couch. All night long, she screamed bloody murder almost every hour, like clockwork. She'd scream that she needed to get to the potty chair (she wore depends and she usually needed cleaning up).

Every time she screamed, I'd think she had fallen and I would jump out of my skin. Then she'd holler that she could not lie down any longer and needed to sit up in her chair, which was a long, arduous process of getting her down the hallway to the living room. Once she got situated in her chair with blankets and all and I got back on the couch, about to doze off, she'd yell that she needed to lie back down. And the cycle would start over again. This went on all night for 3 nights. Many, many adult diaper changes in between. At one point she screamed around midnight and I ran to see what was the problem. She wanted to know if I had her breakfast ready. We argued and I had to open the blinds and show her it was dark outside and show her the clock.

My parents tolerated this behavior for several years. She talked down to my mom and always complained that she wasn't doing enough, although my mom did EVERYTHING for her. It aged my parents. My granny had multiple falls and hospitalizations and finally my mom left her in the SNF after her last illness and rehab because she was far too weak to get up and down off a potty chair or bed and my parents could not lift her.
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You need to maintain your own health and well-being.
Do this first. Whatever it takes. This is the only way you will be available to support your dad however you can. Tell yourself it is okay to do this; tell yourself you deserve to have a life. If you do not do what is in your best interest first - to be whole, you will not be any good to your dad. This is not selfish; it is self-care.
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Richard41: She should apply for Medicaid now. In no way should she move in with you! Good grief; she almost upset your marriage once. Don't try this again and expect different results.
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Hmm... I have Ulcerative Colitis, so I understand what it's like to not be able to make it to the toilet and to always be cold. I also don't like to take showers because I lose body heat easily. Once, when I was 22, I got pneumonia because the room wasn't warm enough. So I always make sure I'm warm enough. If other people won't supply the heat, I will. I'll buy my own electric padding, small heaters, and even hand and feet warmers. I also find that wearing thick socks and knitted hats help to retain heat. Moving around and taking hot baths also helps.

Assisted living facilities tend to be very pricey. Adding a bedroom with bathroom to the house and paying for a home caregiver could have ended up being cheaper while giving your mom a place to bathe and turn up the heat, but it's a little too late for that now that all her money is gone.

What exactly was your mom arguing with you about? Being cold? Needing someone to help her if she had an accident? Or something else?
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You are a good son, but you need to live your life also. My mother passed away at 73, 10 months BEFORE her mother passed away at 97. She did not care for her mother, but if she had decided to put her life on hold until her Mom died, she would have never been able to enjoy her retirement. My 92 year old father has been in a very nice, privately paid assisted living near me for 7 years and I am his sole caregiver other than the AL staff. He has a financial planner who takes care of his investments so I really don't know how much money he has left, but I live in fear of the day he runs out. A couple of years ago he lived with me for a week. The AL kicked him out for raising a ruckus and it was a horrible week! My husband had to stay home because I cannot lift him. He is wheelchair bound and weighs 230 lbs. At night he would call for us to go to the bathroom, need another blanket, a glass of water, etc. During the day it was one demand after another. I was so happy to get him back into the AL! I see him nearly every day, bring him to my house on the weekends, take him to all dr. appts, talk to him several times a day on the phone, etc., but, if his money runs out, we will apply for Medicaid and move him to another facility, most certainly against his will. He never cared for his parents or my mothers' parents and, although my mother wanted to participate more in the care of her mother, he said she belonged with him (They lived 600 miles from her Mom) and kept their visits to her mother to a minimum. They traveled, golfed, and enjoyed retirement. I am glad they did. Although we are in our mid 60's my husband is not retired and we are caring for our distraught daughter in our home who's husband is divorcing her following his affair, and her 2 preschool age boys. We are also spending $600 a month for insurance for psychiatric help for a severely depressed son in another state. I have a lot on my plate. I do the very best I can for my Dad, but bring him here to live? That is where I draw the line! For the past few months he has been compaining about noises in the heat system at the AL at night and wants to move in with us so that he can get a good night's sleep. HA! With 2 toddler's living here it is definitely not quiet! He is jealous of my daughter and the boys taking up my time and living here. Anyway, in spite of all of this, my husband and I are intent on traveling. For one thing, we need to get away to keep our sanity! And who knows when the time will come when we are no longer able to travel? My Mom had her first bout of cancer at 61. Dad had a heart valve replacement at 68 and it took him 6 months to recover. Richard, you are 72. Your life is not infinite. You need to enjoy it. Your Mom can and should still be a part of your life. She needs you to oversee her care. But you need to enjoy the time that you have left before it is too late. You can never get it back.
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sudalu Jan 2019
Wise words, kmichmom. You do have a lot on your plate. I hope your current family crisis works itself out soon.
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IF you move her into your home and you and your wife become her caregivers, your mom will outlive you both.
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As difficult a decision as it is, your mother is probably not going to be any happier with you than in a nursing home. A skilled nursing home will see that she's fed, clothed, bathed, has a TV, maybe some social activity, and she's likely to be unhappy. You would be doing the exact same thing, except putting a lot of tension into your home, and your mother would be just as unhappy as she'll be in a nursing home. It's probably likely that she has enough dementia to cause mood swings, anger, depression, sadness, all normal parts of the aging process, but when any dementia sets in these symptoms can worsen to an almost unbearable degree. Guilt is unnecessary. You tried it. It didn't work. No reason for guilt. Mother isn't going to be better in either place. She's old and unhappy. Sad, but not fixable by you or your wife. Perhaps someone in the nursing home could visit with her to see if there's anything that can be done to make her happier, like her local priest/minister or a social worker, someone she can connect with and maybe have weekly visits (a dream, I know). She can be encouraged to get acquainted with the other residents. She's isolated from having to make connections when she's in your home. Talking to other people would be good for her.
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BethandDan Jan 2019
Thank you, mj, you and other posters here made me feel better!

For the record, my mom is 95 in Memory Care in a Medicaid facility -- we spent 3 years taking care of her up to now. She really is remarkable, my dear mother, but it's time for me and my husband to have a life, too. Really, there's no one but me to take care of her at all -- and my marvelous husband, who hardly ever complains and helps guide me gently through this emotional roller coaster.

Alzheimer's is the worst. Sometimes, it feels like I'm going into a bad movie with zombies when we go there. The staff is really good, cannot imagine doing this work day to day.

We take cocoa and a soft sweet for her -- and a mechanical cat for her to pet. She can still play one game of cards, with coaching. We can't leave anything there, as someone will come by and take it. . .. .

At first, when she got there, it wasn't too bad because she thought she was on staff there, that she was back in Florida, and that we were just visiting. But, she has figured out she is not on staff - and after we took her home for a visit a couple times, she figured out we are close by. So now, every time, she begs us to take her home with us. That's when it gets SO DIFFICULT. Of course, you can't reason with her, but I run out of things to say, other than, not today. It's not safe. . . .. But, she says, she'd just sit on the couch, she says, no trouble -- but that's not how it is. We don't have a bathroom that she can use on the first floor, she's not safe down there by herself. I still work full time, and then there's the fact that she is incontinent to boot and needs help doing everything. At night, she wanders around and will fall, I'm sure.

The thing is, it is hard to avoid the guilty feelings, and it's just so hard to admit to myself that I cannot do it.

Thank you for letting me know that it is OK for me to say, I can do only so much -- I must take care of myself and my husband, so we can enjoy our old age as long as our health is fairly good.
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Congratulations, Richard41. It will get better with time. I had to make the decision to put my 97 yr old mother in AL 3 months ago. For 3 1/2 years she lived with my younger brother and SIL 4 days a week and with me and my husband the other 3. Between the two families it was still very hard. My brother is in his early 60s, and we are in our late 70s (with health issues of our own). It was not an easy decision to make, but it had to be done. She's sad about not living with family, but she is adjusting. In fact, she is thriving in the AL facility. When she was at my brother's house, she watched TV or slept most of the time. No exercise at all. When at my house we played games or got out for whatever activity we thought she could manage. Now, in the facility, she gets up early, has brunch, takes the shuttle shopping or whatever, gets her hair done once a week, plays bingo in the activity room, and games with me twice a week when I visit. My brother has pretty much abandoned her, so it's up to me to fill the void. I don't mind being her sole family caregiver outside of the AL facility.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have medical and financial POA, which drove my brother and SIL crazy. He is a lousy money manager, always working on our mom to get whatever he could out of her. She was his personal cash cow, which I quickly put a stop to with the POA. This past year her short term memory has become severly compromised, so now he doesn't feel the need to visit her.

Anyway, I believe it will work out good for you and your mother this way. Please keep us posted on the ongoing process and outcome.
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