My mother uses the house as a open toilet! What do I do?

he looks at us as the enemy due to no more smoking drinking a routine is now in his life and he is rebeling it seems i guess the saying how many times you have to step in po before you learn to walk around it is in order i know his mind is pickeled and i am the understanding person to a point but even a toddler learns thats a no no after a while i know what was in the brain is gone new training is in order its just hard to be that very caring after awhile note we have been caring for his dad a year now

he has also pooped in his plate of food that we made for him i bite my tounge i have tried all the ways it seems i dont let him see me frustrated i let him see a mother figure as you would say in teaching him the ways of his hygine he just looks at me and says yes i know this and smears and throws it even more the next day when a person knows to take there pants and diaper off and knows to pee in a corner like his druckered days what is one to do in preventing this tried rewards in his using the bathroom and it really dont matter i guess he just maybe saying he dont give a poo anymore my husband works i dont let him know all the detail i dont want to be the bad wife in saying i cant do this for his his father anymore what do i do

tonyagur, if your FIL has dementia, you are not going to be able to teach him more appropriate behavior. Sorry. You are right -- this may be the calm before the storm.

You and your husband decided to take FIL in. You can decide to continue to care for him. You can decide that this is too hard for you and that all 3 of you would be better off if he were placed in a setting with professionals trained to deal with this kind of behavior.

You can't decide that he won't have dementia any more. You can't decide to teach him better behavior. You can't decide that his brain is going to recover.

Realize that you have choices, and what those choices are. That is generally better than feeling trapped or continuing to try to achieve the impossible.

If your choice is to keep him in your home, please call Social Services and see what kind of help is available to you.

I hadn't read your two most recent posts when I responded.

Because your FIL's behavior is similar to a very young child, you are assuming that you can train him and he will improve just as very young children do. Wrong! The chances of being able to retrain this person are very remote. Dementia is NOT like childhood. It does not progress to more mature behavior. It gets worse, and it progresses to more infantile behavior. Yes, a toddler can learn. A person with "a pickled brain" cannot. You are setting yourself up for big failure if you think you are supposed to be able to teach FIL more acceptable behavior.

So ... this is the way it is going to be. Keeping this a secret from your husband seems a very bad strategy to me, and one likely to backfire. Isn't how to deal with FIL a decision you need to make together? Shouldn't you both know all the facts as you discuss this? You are not the bad wife. You did not cause this difficult situation. There is no reason to think that you should be able to cope with it single-handedly. Just having more patience or more discipline or being more caring is NOT going to change things.

I am very, very sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I am sorry for your husband's father, too. But sorry doesn't change things.

You and hubby need to have many heart-to-heart conversations about this situation, with all the facts on the table.

And I ask you again, why is your father-in-law in your home? Yes, he definitely needs care. Are you the most qualified to care for him? Is being with you bringing him joy? Is it bringing you joy? Is it good for your marriage?

Why is he there?

Jeanne's right, you cant say he wont have dementia, etc, the poor guy isnt doing this on purpose, he is sick. IF you dont want to care for him , please place him with someone who will be compasionate with him thru his medical journey. He has lost his reasoning, seriously, he is not doing it because he wants to, its SO common in nursing homes, its a stage they go thru and you need to get him to a dr for answers. As for now, you need to go on someplace like buck&buck online and buy unstrippable clothing so he cannot do this anymore until you make a decision.

Tony: Please read some of the above suggestions. They are dealing with the same problems that your FIL is dealing with. They have found successful ways of addressing the problem.

I know this is a hardship for you, but your FIL has a disease that is destroying his brain. Being angry and doing the boot camp thing is not the answer.

Please check with your Department of Social Services and see if your FIL qualifies for Medicaid or other services. Also, visit your local Area on Aging and see if they can give you any assistance.

It may be that taking care of someone with your FIL's medical issues is not something you can do at this time in your life. There's no shame in that; it's a very difficult job. Doing what is best for him may mean placing him is a nursing home. Check the agencies, you may have more options than you think.

Good luck and very best wishes. Cattails.

I MADE HIM CLEAN UP HIS OWN PO . I GUESS DEPENDS ON IF YOU HAVE ALREADY WALKED IN THIS AREA WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHY CANT HE DO THE SAME IN PICKING IT UP IN A GUIDING WAY TO COMPLEATE A TASK AND HEY LOOK WE COMPLETED A ACTIVITY HE KNOWS ITS WRONG HE KNOWS HE HAS A CAMODE HE DOES IT WHEN HE DONT GET HIS WAY AS IN A GROSS WAY AND UNHEALTHY TO HIMSELF AS FOR OTHERS CLEANING THE MATTER UP JUST SAYING ITS OK GO PLAY SOME BACKGAMMA IS JUST NOT A WAY TO DO THINGS ITS NOT OK AND THEY SHOULD KNOW IT ISNT GOOD BEHAVIOR . MONEY TALKS IN WHICH WE DONT HAVE FOR HOSPITAL PLACEMENT I JUST DONT SEE JOY IN THE TIME TO COME I DONT THINK ANYONE DOES THIS FOR JOY ITS DUE TO SOMEONE HAS TO CARE FOR OUR ELDERS AND FAMILY IS 1ST ON THE LIST THE FAMILY THAT THIS DAMENTIA COMES INTO WE DONT INVITE THESE ACTIONS WE LEARN TO DEAL WITH THEM AS THEY COME THE PE OPLE CARING FOR THESE PEOPLE WHOM SEEM TO NOT REMEMBER ACTIONS HAVE A OUTLET A PLACE NOT TO BE JUDGED OR TOLD ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THIS ON... IS ANYBODY REALLY READY SOCIAL SERVICES YES WE ARE IN CONTACT AND OPTIONS WAIT LETS SEE WHAT THEY ARE REALLY NOTHING SOCIAL ABOUT ALL THIS I HAVE TOLD MY HUSBAND THE EXTREAME DETAIL ON HIS FATHERS BEHAVIOR I JUST SEE HIS HEART BREAKING IM MAD AND HURT AND STRESSED ANGRY AT THIS MAN FOR THIS HE DRANK HIMSELF HERE ITS HARD TO FEEL FOR THE PERSON WHEN THEY BROUGHT THIS AWEFUL THING INTO THE LIVES OF YOURSELF AND THE CAREGIVER NOW HE DONT REMEMBER BUT HIS LOVED ONES DO .THERE THE ONES FEELING THE PAIN HE FEELS NOTHING BUT FOR HIS OWN WANTS AND NEEDS WHICH WE ASK HIM WHAT DO U WANT A BEER HE ANSWERS MUST BE NICE HE LIVES WITH US HE CANT LIVE ON HIS OWN ANY LONGER I JUST WISH I COULD TEACH HIM AND I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY THATS HOW WE GET THRU THE DAYS ITS A NEW THING EVERYDAY BUT YES I KNOW IT DONT GET BETTER THIS DISEASE I HATE YOU DAMANTIA COME CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF THEN YOU WILL WANT TO FORGET ABOUT IT ALL AS WELL AND THE LOVED ONES WISHING THAT THEY COULD FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS THANKS FOR THE ADVISE AND BEST WISH I FEEL THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME SOME RELIEF IN THE CARE FOR MYSELF AND MY FIL IN JUST THIS TIME SHARING MY STORY HERE AT AGING CARE .COM THANKS AGAIN STRESS CHECK ING IS GOOD HERE

Tony: Does your FIL own a home? Does he have money in the bank. How much does money does he receive monthly?

he gets a montly social sec he went thru a divorce in which he did own his land and house in matters ex wife has made it were it has been forclosed she stayed on the property in which we were in beleaf she was paying for the morgage we were not informed that it wasnt being paid and it was forclosed he falls in the area to much money and to little we are not paid care takers were family and the land and property went right under us we are consintrating on him getting better she let him drink all the time just not to deal with him and it was killing our dad and she was helping its a sad story really

If your FIL has no assets -- his property was foreclosed -- and has only his SS check to live on, chances are very good he will qualify for medicaid. They would cover either nursing home placement or some paid help at home.

You say that you don't have money for placement. You don't have to have money. Your FIL is the one who would be expected to pay. If he can't, he will qualify for medicaide and/or other progams.

Not having money is no reason for you and your husband to provide hands-on 24/7 care. Do not abandom your FIL-- that is not what I'm suggesting at all -- but do realize that there are ways to see that he gets good care that don't involve him being in your home.

Wishing you could teach him doesn't make it possible.

I fear for your safety from ecoli (sp). How in the world do you keep from getting sick. If ihad to deal with that I would have to go nursing home route I feel for you sweetie! Does sound like
She is being a naughty little child. hugs to you!

Lots of disinfectant gloves trash bags and disposable bedding face masks to help from the smell and so far it has helped havent gotten sick yet thank goodness

Wow i thought i was alone on this one. My Mom is doing all the above but i'm trying invain to take care of her but it's harder day by day. My son helps and says for me not to let this get the best of me. I'm doing all i can not to break i move in with her when her doc said she's getting dementia i'm lost on what to do,her papers are all over i don't know what's what. I don't have time to find out she takes all the time i have i'm having a hard time and on top of it all no sibiling support ! :{

Creolgrl: You have to make a list. What to do first, second, third, etc. First, evaluate the situation and ask yourself, "Can I continue to live this way." If the answer is NO, then the next question is "How do I change the situation." You have to understand your options. Then you can make informed choices. Have you checked with your local Area on Aging? Have you talked to Social Services? Does your mom qualify for Medicaid. Are there financial issues, house your mom owns on your mind? What is your sanity and health worth.

Give all of this serious thought. You must make time to reflect and understand why you are in this situation. Whatever the reason, if it is affecting your health, you must be still inside and address all the underling issues.

We can help you and support you. You just have to be honest with yourself. I'm sure you want the best for your mom, but you count too.

Love and hugs....please stay in touch. Cattails

My dear, your mom Does have Denmentia and the brain is a funny (no pun intended) thing. I assure you as good as you are at keeping it from the hubby and kiddies they will find out when it gets worse, which I'm sorry to tell you, it surely will. I myself wished to keep my mother home and not in a nursing home but learned my lesson when she insisted on trying to cook and fell. My only advice if you are not ready to use her medicare and put her in a nursing home is to try a "chastity belt" on top of her depends so she cannot get it off. I once worked with autistic children and we had to use a tightly wrapped belt to prevent one of the children from putting her hands into her period flow and smearing it. But beware, if mom cannot get to her poo to play she may get frustrated and start another new and just as unacceptable behavior.

Yellowfever...I know just what you are going through. My father is peeing everywhere, I think he is doing it on purpose to get my attention. I recently have considered getting carpet protection film for his room and putting absorbent pads or small carpets on top of it. I get so tire of trying clean urine out of carpet. I also have some fabric bed pads I use on the floor, he also spends the day picking them up . He also will deliberately pee where there is no pad. It is a work in progress. I hope the covering the carpet will at least make the cleaning easier.

Here's my issue. Every time I think I have it down, it changes and I am not good with change. My mother is 89 and has lewy body dementia... bad... I don't know what stage, but she was diagnosed at least 2 years ago and had it prior to that for probably 5 years and coming on for 7 before that.... since her tia's in the 90's. Anyway, she is in her own apartment attached to my house. I do everything for her. She basically sits in a recliner until I get her up to go someplace. Most commonly, I am trying to get her to go to the bathroom, which is now down to 2x a day. I take her every morning and again before dinner (while it's still light out). She wears a diaper and when we go into the bathroom, I never know what to expect... whether it's an easy one or a shower. In the morning, it's not a problem so far. She is cooperative and lovely to be around. In the evening, well, that's another story. I am at my wits end. She absolutely refuses at least every other night to go into the bathroom. As I feel this is completely unsanitary, I keep trying everything to remedy the situation. She just simply refuses based on the fact that she shouldn't have to listen to what anyone tells her to do at her age. No matter how many times I explain the importance of this to her, she still flat out refuses to budge. Anyone have any ideas?

Here's my issue. Every time I think I have it down, it changes and I am not good with change. My mother is 89 and has lewy body dementia... bad... I don't know what stage, but she was diagnosed at least 2 years ago and had it prior to that for probably 5 years and coming on for 7 before that.... since her tia's in the 90's. Anyway, she is in her own apartment attached to my house. I do everything for her. She basically sits in a recliner until I get her up to go someplace. Most commonly, I am trying to get her to go to the bathroom, which is now down to 2x a day. I take her every morning and again before dinner (while it's still light out). She wears a diaper and when we go into the bathroom, I never know what to expect... whether it's an easy one or a shower. In the morning, it's not a problem so far. She is cooperative and lovely to be around. In the evening, well, that's another story. I am at my wits end. She absolutely refuses at least every other night to go into the bathroom. As I feel this is completely unsanitary, I keep trying everything to remedy the situation. She just simply refuses based on the fact that she shouldn't have to listen to what anyone tells her to do at her age. No matter how many times I explain the importance of this to her, she still flat out refuses to budge. Anyone have any ideas?

Jersey, Its tough. She sounds wonderful and cannot help the way she is for sure.My Mom used to drop her pants and pee on the floor and I had to get unstrippable pajamas, oh ya, it gets much worse, hang in there! I used to ask my Mom to come and look at the dog or bird, etc outside through the bathroom window, I made up things. Once in there, I said "well we may as well go pee now before bed huh?" It seemed to work but she was very very forgetful . Sounds like you are dealing with your Mom when she is having sundowners. If you put a tena pad in her diaper in the morning and she is still dry, forget it. There is no reasoning with them during sundowners. Be thankful she can still walk and talk and live alone, seriously. I used to give my Mom towels to fold, play cards with her, (even though she didnt understand it), have her put the tbags into a container, anything to keep her busy during the day, maybe you could try daycare so she wont sit all day. Best of luck. Here's poems to read...
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
______________________
Alzheimers patients have the ability to read body language and voice inflections long into their illness.
They will still feel frustration, anger, loss, happiness, sadness, joy and love
BUT…they lose the ability to channel those feelings productively due to their brain.
A change in Environment is devastating, heightens behavior problems, disrupts sleeping, eating and toileting problems also impacting greatly on the caretaker.

has anyone experienced fectal impaction? I am almost certain that is what is happening to my mother. She has mid to late stage alzheimer's but still goes to the bathroom on her own...Although she cannot remember if she has had a BM...then there is poop in her pants 2x a day with a messy butt.....Is there any good way to wash them?

Oh ya, been there, even had to take my Mom to the emergency room years ago and then I learned. You need to get some KY jelly and help her get it out as she sits onthe toilet. My Mom takes daily 3 teaspoons of miralax in 4 oz of coffee each morning. She has prune pudding 2x a day with her pills, and 1/2 cup prune juice and applesauce mixed and warmed at night. You have to keep right on top of their diet. As far as the pants, I soak urine pants in pinesol and hot water before I put in my washing machine, or I use Irish spring gel soap which smells great. If they are underpants, chuck em out! lol Good Luck

My husband has Parkinson's and related dementia and has the same problem as your mother. He knows he has to pee and just does it wherever he is. He wears Depends but won't or doesn't know that he can pee in them. He also has lost control of his bowels but does use the Depends for that. I've tried everything to get him to use the toilet or urinal but he won't unless I follow him around 24/7 and watch him getting ready to pull down his pants. I get so frustrated and tired of cleaning these messes up but I understand it isn't his fault. I wish there was a magic answer. We do see the doctor in a couple of weeks so I plan to ask him for suggestions. Good luck with your mom.

My mom passed away on 2 june 2013. My caregiver relationship and journey has come to an end. I know this is so off to topic. I think I could right a book on everything you are experiencing. But, let me leave you with these words to ponder. Keep reminding yourself, you are doing the best you can with love and kindness. Dementia is a terrible disability. You can't win, but you can adjust to it. There is no wrong or right answer to the decisions you will be making in the coming days. They will all be right for you. You are dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't. So make your decisions, let them settle in your bones, and take every day as it is, the present. Your mom will astound and teach you many things in the coming days. When she is finally gone, you will miss her and thank her for how strong she made you. Join a support group, find a friend who is going through the same thing. Unless you have a parent with dementia, any from of dementia, others cannot understand! You will survive this time in your life, and your mom is blessed to have you. You are allowed to scream and then let the acceptance of dementia settle in your bones. Blessings!

This is horrible. I am so sorry. MOM refuses adult diapers and arts her pants a lot, but so far no poop. These are good suggestions. I know my mother's behavior is not consistent and it is like she pays us back when we take time to do something together. We call it punishment. We are trying to get our house ready to sell and its really hard to do with bedside commode and unpleasant odors. Again, I am so sorry.

I am a RN supervisor in a secure dementia unit. I have seen those types of behavior in many residents we have had over the years. Sometimes it is a phase of their illness and others there can be underlying problems. If this has been more of a sudden change of behavior, you may want to look at possibility of a UTI. Otherwise, using incontinent briefs and a toileting schedule is probably the best way to handle the problem without creating more behaviors.

My alzheimer's husband knows I just cleaned the rug. He is not incontinent. When I got up in the morning he had urinated all over the living room rug, & in the hallway where he never goes near. Is this just being mean?

Wow. This scenario would definitely spur me to place my loved one. I've actually had that discussion with her that if she becomes bowel incontinent - it will be the day we hire round the clock aides. If they can't take care of it, then it's time for some level of memory care / nursing home for me. I have a lot of patience with Mom, but I have a very weak stomach for such things (I don't have children.)

I sure hope you find a solution! You will be in my prayers.

Angelo--NO he is not doing it on purpose. I went through this with my mom when she was not incontinent either. I got her unstrippable pajamas from buck and buck online. That was 4 years ago, its just a phase and its the toughest phase but it does pass. Hang in there!!!

My mom refuses to use the bathroom. If I ask her she always says she doesn't have to go and if I try to make her go (like put her on a schedule) she becomes angry and refuses to go in the bathroom. Any suggestions on how I can get her on a schedule using the bathroom instead of always going in her depends?

my mum does this she has peed on her floor several times and having a colostomy bag she leaves them all over the place. This is the first thing that I noticed something wasnt right she gets angry when I notice something but keeps doing it shes not looking for attention as she does get embarrassed but then she keeps doing it sometimes shes aware and wont let you into her bedroom then other times she dosnt react? its awful but part of the dementia she was always so clean and tidy and now peeing all over her bedroom floor or the bathroom floor. I just clean it up and say nothing but am sure its not attention she will do it no matter who comes in the house!