My mother uses the house as a open toilet! What do I do?

My husband is horrified when his pee or poop comes with no warning. It is humiliating to them because even with dementia they know what is happening. Do you think her trying to hide it might be embarrassment? My husband constantly apologizes when I have to clean up after him. I just tell him I hope someone will do it for me someday. It is exhausting, isn't it. I'm worn out! But, nothing lasts forever and this, too, shall pass. PS. I freaked out when he whipped it out to pee. in the fireplace. It's so porous I could never get the smell out. Every time he ruins something, I just make a mental note of one more thing that will have to be replaced.

This is disgusting beyond belief and under no circumstances should you tolerate it. You MUST find a place to put her. She is way beyond the point of being cared for at home. This is just plain sick and it is going to g et worse.

I do not have much of a suggestion but I can say my grandma who has dementia thinks the bathroom is places it is not. She will walk with me and try to sit down on me thinking it's the bathroom. She has peed on her walker before while in front of the toilet insisting the walker is the toilet. I only turned my back for a second on that one. She has ripped off her pants in her chair once and peed in there. Thankfully never again has that happened as I got sturdier pants to prevent that from happening.

If my grandma goes to poop, I wipe her or she will literally put her fingers inside of herself and either try to pull out the poop and get herself covered or will try to wipe using her clothing or will clean her dirty hands on her clothing. When being spoken to she used to insist it was the way things were done. So while it may seem she's doing things on purpose, she really might not be.

I take my grandma to the bathroom every hour to prevent accidents. I walk with her to the bathroom to ensure she makes it to the toilet each time. I use puppy pads in front of the toilet especially when she has a UTI so when she pees while standing it lands on the puppy pad and makes for an easy clean up instead of my tiles making me bleach them. I wipe her after her pooping bathroom uses to ensure it doesn't get spread anywhere it shouldn't. Those are just some of the things I do to avoid bathroom messes but she wasn't doing everything your mother is doing.

I'm not a doctor, but from what I've seen, mental illness, especially depression, dies seem to be linked to dementia in later life.

I couldn't handle this one!!!! Time to look for a nursing home. Nuh-uh, No Way!!

Alzheimer's kills the brain living cells in which they stop the brain it's not like it use to be .There are pictures of a normal brain like our and Alzheimer's that look like a shrunken cabbage . Unfortunately they do no know what they are doing . Dimentia is not only memory loss but also personality and behavior changes. And having a hard time speaking it's like they going back as if they were toddlers

Dimentia is known for memory loss,behavior and personality changes and speech . Alzheimer's is known for attacking the living cells on the brain so they are not themselves anymore they don't know what they are doing there brain becomes like a shribbled cabbage while ours is still fresh . Unfortunately with the elderly when they aging their mentality goes backwards like toddlers for example there was an elderly man who was yelling for his mother . Some play with dolls . This requires patience and if you can not handle I will suggest calling assisting living facility .

The laughter and pulling up pads could be embarrassment. Yes, they know what they are doing and, no, they can't help it. Lack of sleep makes all of us tired and short tempered. I put my husband in respite care every month or so so that I can get a full night's sleep. Also, check with your doctor. Sometimed there are meds. I would tell my husband. You need someone to be there to support you. And if he thinks it is time for AL, he may be right.

Hi Yellowfeever, keep up your courage!! You are very brave not to have placed your mother in residential care already. Diapers, diapers, diapers are the way to go, and use every kind of belt on clothes over the top to prevent your mum from getting at the diaper. My Alzheimer's friend wants to go to the loo every 5 minutes when I take her out, but can stay for hours without "going" if she is in her room next to her own bathroom with loo. Sadly, I can still smell the poo on her hands even after she washes them, so I have to grab paper towels and do this. She asks me why? She cannot smell it.

The incontinence of 1 & 2 can be a deal breaker between home & a facility. Without 24/7 care at home it's all on you; with some care, it seems to happen on my watch. Your responsibilities as a caregiver increase tremendously with all the duties required. You have to tend to your loved one & your home. You bite your tongue on your thoughts, your patience is tested. I've had little luck in bathroom reminders, but, will find a pool of #1 each & every time. "Not wet," he'll say, yet everything is soaked, then he starts yelling at me for encouraging him to get up to assist in changing him. Yes, the #2 is worse, a harder challenge because I do feel he does know, he's embarrassed. He holds onto the clothes for dear life, wants to keep them on. The bathroom is the perfect place to get out of them, but he aimlessly walks around, for carpet. Why carpet you ask? It does prevent falls, my reason for leaving it. Stanley Steamer & bleach are my best friends! Once they're off, he will look for a place to sit, all this commotion going on while the shower is going. Yes I know following direction & guidance is disappearing, it works sometimes with somethings, others may have an easier task than me in assisting. No book or seminar, others who have been there/done that prepares one for this. Instinct usually takes over, working fast an asset. We all have different "when" times & reasons, I get it, understand it. Blessings🌸

Dear all, my Alzheimer's friend is right now undergoing an operation for a prolapsed anus, which is when the bottom end of her colon is dropping out through her anus, causing bleeding and pain. It is an easy surgical operation to fix: the surgeon hoiks the whole assembly back in place inside and put stitches to hold it there. The reason I am telling you this is that for about 7 years previously, my dear female friend (no relative) had been wanting to go to the loo every ten minutes or so, and the doctor had prescribed her to go to a physiotherapist to do butt-clenching exercises to tone up her sphincter and other muscles that normally hold everything back. But with her Alzheimer's, she never did these exercises between physio sessions, so the result was slippery smelly poo in messy sanitary pads stuffed in closets, drawers. etc which drove her cleaning lady berserk.

So if your dearest relative is showing incontinence involving number 2, please do take him or her to a doctor in order to get a thorough medical check of the mechanics down below. What is needed is muscle tone, and if your d.r. is not doing any exercise at all, even walking 20 minutes a day, the muscles of the butt may have slackened to such a level where they don't hold anything back. An anal prolapse is then possible, and is highly uncomfortable and painful when it happens.
But before that happens, what your d.r. may be doing may not be purely mischievous evil to get you riled, it may be a constant effort, particularly for women, to rid themselves of the pressure inside.
No sane person would do this deliberately, or do this without thorough handwashing afterwards. If there is no physical problem, then your d.r. does have some form of dementia, and either hourly diaper changes or residential care with attendant nurses are the only solutions.

Doctors advise not to try to care for at home any person who is spreading faecal matter about the house because of the health hazard to the other people in the home. It's not only the smell but also bacteria and toxins that cause the risk, and while they are drying out, they can get into your lungs over a long period of exposure. Care homes for the elderly have piles and piles of sanitary padding and purpose-built hazardous waste disposal facilities, also bactericides etc.

My fullest sympathies go out to you.

Before deciding to soldier on regardless with an incontinental relative at home, please think about the stress and drain on your own health. And ask your doctor to find you some expert cleaning help to sanitise your house from time to time. Get siblings, if you have any, to help financially. It's only fair that they should contribute.

I just happen to have noticed this post is six years old. Hopefully you were able to resolve the problem by now, and I strongly agree with Riley2166 and yes, the patient doing this really should be immediately removed from your home before she has a chance to ruin your home and also your furniture. As me and Riley2166 are trying to relay to you, this cannot continue and you absolutely must remove this person from your home now! Anyone who uses your home (or any home) as an open toilet doesn't deserve to live there. Another thought is I'm not sure I would even let someone who does this visit either because this kind of thing poses a serious health hazard. I don't know if you realize this, but human waste or any waste carries diseases. Look at Third World countries where there's not even any plumbing and human waste just builds up like an outdoor open toilet. Those people aren't really all that healthy and flies are everywhere, even on the people! I couldn't live like that and there's no reason why you should either. 

What I would be doing is looking into this person's family tree and seeing if they may have a bloodline extending as far as a Third World country where this kind of thing is common. This is what they do in those areas and it may be very possible this is probably just now coming out as an embedded behavior, something someone else in the family did when they lived in an area where this was common.

Wow. I thought I had it bad with the occasional poop handprints about and dried poop dust in the carpet. Yes, it smells like poop whenever a vacuum in a certain bedroom. I have a separate poop vacuum I only use in that room. I guess I have it easy.

Best of luck and I hope it never gets that bad for me.

My dad craps the bed and pees on the floor around the commode (the latter he has done on habit for over 2 decades). He refuses to admit he crapped and swears it is something else - refuses to see a dr. He is a narcissist and so it goes with his malignant behavior. He is high functioning in other areas. No answers...just empathy

Try an adult onesie. Like a full piece underwear. Put depends on underneath. Have u considered a home at this point?

In my experience, this is a mental problem that needs to be treated, not a physical problem. Begin with speaking to her primary care provider, and that physician will likely have some solutions ( maybe medication of which there are many types), or a referral to a specialist (psychologist). The situation is untenable.

The fact that the original post is 6 years old and we have over 130 answers indicates this is a pretty common problem. Honestly, a lot depends upon how closely you are willing to watch them and how much you are willing to clean up. I have child proof door knobs so he cannot leave my sight. I lock the door of our bedroom when we go to bed at night. Then, watch for signs such as increased agitation and wandering. I keep depends on him. If there are accidents, I use rubber gloves and Clorox. I usually have to put him in the shower, even if it's middle of the night. I have a hand held carpet cleaner I use, sometimes even in the middle of the night. And, of course, sheets immediately into the wash. It takes a lot of work but as someone said, he's been a good husband and given me many years of happiness and loving support. I owe him this and more. And if it gets to be too much, we may have to look into a facility but not yet.

Yes an old question & so many answers. This is a problem for most with memory impairments & for many caregivers. The plights of #1 & 2 won't stop or go away for us, unless there is a 24/7 aide or we chose placement. When it is this troublesome most caregivers start thinking of choices & decisions. As the disease progresses the 1 & 2 all over the place will stop, it will be in the Depends all the time, just like a baby or toddler, or anyone severely ill & weak. There are changes to be done & clean ups at any given time of day. You make a choice on a bed or sink bath or a shower. It's work either way, yet, I find a shower is best for my brother. These days he will try & do for himself, but it's a struggle, sad to watch, I sense his feelings. He will just stand in the shower, holding onto the safety bar, afraid of falling. He will not sit, directing him on sitting anywhere is a challenge these days. He prefers making his own decisions still. Gloves, wipes, a hand help shower head have become "tools." Fibs, such as "a nice massage," or "washing your back," work. It does seem that instinct & speed did kick in for me. I'm proud of my work, myself. I think the what to do is up to you, your reasoning your own. It's a personal decision on how much you can or want to do and for how long. Stay strong & focused, caregiving is not an easy task. Love & compassion, no matter, is a must. Blessings 🌸

My Mother had a problem of pulling her clothes off. The nursing home staff asked me to buy a special pant suit that could not be pulled off, but needed to be released by a nurse or aide. Maybe such a garment would prevent your Mom from pulling down her diaper.

My father won't wear depends and I know it's not his fault he can't make it to the bathroom. But not only does he need to be washed but he get's the whole bathroom a mess. But last night I said to him 'you do not have a choice anymore, I cannot constantly clean poops off the whole bathroom'. Honestly I'm not sure the depends will work because even when he pulls his pants down to sit on the toilet, it still gets everywhere. (sorry to be graffic). Any suggestions? Thank you.

This is a simple decision to make.....no one, no matter who, or why the person is doing this, should be allowed to get away with this. You must place them somewhere where they will be taken care of - OUT OF YOUR HOME. This is disgusting. I am sorry but sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do.

Yes, sometimes we do what we have to do, and that can mean cleaning up after them if that is what is called for. My husband was a loving, caring, thoughtful, supportive husband before his illness. He hates what it has turned into and so do I, but it is what it is and I promised for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. And I meant it. That doesn't make it less hard but I made a commitment. And I will continue to give him the best life that I can (as he did for me) as long as I can. Everyone 'a situation is different and we all have to do what works for us.

Nantucket & Other Caregivers Vs #2:

Sorry for all of you dealing with this, but, it is what it is. Your loved one is now incontinent, it may start out as occasional, but that is only short lived & a term, per a physician, that shouldn't even be used. They may get 1 & 2 in the toilet sometimes, other times everywhere & anywhere. There are too many steps for your loved to remember if nature calls these days, so, clothes may come off or not. A window sill, shower stall, or chair may look like a toilet. They may not even be sure what #2 is anymore, so, they may touch it, then want it off, so, on it will go to another place.

Whatever your preferred term, ALZ, dementia or memory impaired this is the real cause. Trying to reason or threaten with repercussions will not work. Depending on your loved one's cognitive your words may make things worse. You may cause shame, sadness or agitation & behavior concerns. This isn't a cookie cutter disease, so, who knows your outcome, but it is a battle you won't win.

The Depends is a must & make them become the "new underwear." Get the "jockeys" out of the house & no turning back.

Your choice on a long term solution is a personal one. It's either you're it, hope for instincts to kick in; you hire 24/7 help for your dad, experienced & knowledgeable; or you look for a facility.  This is a tough part of caregiving & will get worse as the disease progresses.  Many caregivers make a choice at this time because caregiving can & may become a full time job.  It is physically & mentally draining.  

All of us have to remember, thru the trials & tribulations, to not forget dignity & respect.  Empathy & compassion is a must as well.  If you love & care you find yourself becoming a voice for your loved one, it just happens.  Stay strong & focused, trust your gut on decision making.  

Blessings🌸

Yellowfeever - I feel your pain! (well - frustration). I moved in with my mother, who has dementia, about a year ago to help her. I expected to have to deal with wet sheets, helping her shower, fixing meals, etc. But what I didn't expect is that patients with dementia really do revert back to child like, and if they live long enough, even infant behavior. The doctor even said as much. One day I'm the best, most helpful person on the face of the earth, and she wants and appreciates my help, the next day I'm the worse person and she cusses at me and says very mean and rude things. Yesterday she was standing in the kitchen and said she needed to go to the bathroom, but instead she went an sat down on the sofa. I said "don't you need to go to the bathroom" she said "well if I sit down the urge goes away" just like my 3 year old granddaughter! I tried to encourage her to go, but she's as stubborn as they come and if she doesn't want to do something so won't - luckily she will wear 'Depends'. I've learned 'pick my battles' and either let it go or it ends up being a fight... which still doesn't get us anywhere.

Well 2 hours later she got up from the couch and had leaked through her 'Depends' and had wet jeans with urine running down her leg. Of course she insisted SHE didn't do it - she is the Queen of Denial! Then she got nasty to me again. I'm not sure which I would rather have, a mother who laughs and thinks it's funny, or a mother who makes nasty and rude comments to me. Both are very frustrating and I can only hope that there really is such a thing as 'Karma' that will reward all of those who deal with the pain and frustration of being a caretaker.

I am reading this as this could have been written by my husband who is suffering from this terrible disease. Along with the urination issues and being combative, he had been placed in a memory care unit, which could not deal with it.......and I had to sleep on a rollaway bed 4 nights until they could place him in an gero inpatient psych unit for med adjustments...........after 2 weeks there memory would not accept him...so he went to a skilled nursing facility and after 10 days just got a call he is going back to the inpatient pscyh unit......they can not watch him one on one..........he is going into other residents rooms and urinating anyplace and everywhere.......I know it is not his fact.........I had cared for him at home 5 years.........I was worn out and even as a retired psych nurse my days of caring for him in the home had to end.........now I could write a book....NO PLACE FOR MY HUSBAND.......that is the way I feel.

I had to edit my response after reading everyone's. I took my mom to the Philippines and that was a 22hrs flight. Everyone told me I was crazy but when you love someone, anything is possible. You need to be systemic. I schedule her food and her bathroom breaks. I had the same issue with my mom. So I let her sit on the toilet for an hr and give her food and medication while she's sitting. That encourages her to go. This avoids any accident or incident. By doing this on schedule, it allows me to take her anywhere ever since. Btw, my mom was also wheelchair bound but can stand up in one feet. God bless you and good luck.

Yellowfeever posted  (was getting hugs for this in 2016, don't know the month) that her incontinent mother had passed away. "Gone to join her dad." But the problem remains for others, so I think this whole thread is a useful one for new readers to sort through and pick up tips (or empathy).

My mom had forgotten how to use the toilet as mentioned above. I've read this is near the last stages, how much longer did you have with your mom after that stage?

Wow! I thought I had it tough. Hang in there and do the best you can. One day at a time. I wish I could give you some advice but I am not in your situation. I always tell people I have it easy since my mom does not have dementia. Please get help whenever possible.