My mother has dementia, which I am sorry but at times I think she is faking cause can anybody be so out there!?! She has now started a new thing which is gross but I have a strong stomach but times its not possible not to vomit. Mom is now pooping and peeing EVERYWHERE like an untrained puppy. She wears depends but she will pull them down anywhere and go. Example such as in bed poop under her pillow, sits on edge of tub and does #1 and 2, in garbage cans, in the middle of floors, under coach coushins, she has even tried to do in the middle of Wal-Mart!! She of course uses her hand to wipe down there so now there is poo everywhere in her hair, mouth, face,walls, clothes, between her toes and under her finger nails. She is sly she will wait till I leave room to do it!! So she knows what she is doing! She likes to hide her poo I have caught her carry her poo to hide somewhere! She thinks it's funny!!!!! boy does that make me mad! Especially when I step in it!!! I try to hide most of this from the hubby and kids so they won't be grossed. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!
I know this is a hardship for you, but your FIL has a disease that is destroying his brain. Being angry and doing the boot camp thing is not the answer.
Please check with your Department of Social Services and see if your FIL qualifies for Medicaid or other services. Also, visit your local Area on Aging and see if they can give you any assistance.
It may be that taking care of someone with your FIL's medical issues is not something you can do at this time in your life. There's no shame in that; it's a very difficult job. Doing what is best for him may mean placing him is a nursing home. Check the agencies, you may have more options than you think.
Good luck and very best wishes. Cattails.
Because your FIL's behavior is similar to a very young child, you are assuming that you can train him and he will improve just as very young children do. Wrong! The chances of being able to retrain this person are very remote. Dementia is NOT like childhood. It does not progress to more mature behavior. It gets worse, and it progresses to more infantile behavior. Yes, a toddler can learn. A person with "a pickled brain" cannot. You are setting yourself up for big failure if you think you are supposed to be able to teach FIL more acceptable behavior.
So ... this is the way it is going to be. Keeping this a secret from your husband seems a very bad strategy to me, and one likely to backfire. Isn't how to deal with FIL a decision you need to make together? Shouldn't you both know all the facts as you discuss this? You are not the bad wife. You did not cause this difficult situation. There is no reason to think that you should be able to cope with it single-handedly. Just having more patience or more discipline or being more caring is NOT going to change things.
I am very, very sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I am sorry for your husband's father, too. But sorry doesn't change things.
You and hubby need to have many heart-to-heart conversations about this situation, with all the facts on the table.
And I ask you again, why is your father-in-law in your home? Yes, he definitely needs care. Are you the most qualified to care for him? Is being with you bringing him joy? Is it bringing you joy? Is it good for your marriage?
Why is he there?
You and your husband decided to take FIL in. You can decide to continue to care for him. You can decide that this is too hard for you and that all 3 of you would be better off if he were placed in a setting with professionals trained to deal with this kind of behavior.
You can't decide that he won't have dementia any more. You can't decide to teach him better behavior. You can't decide that his brain is going to recover.
Realize that you have choices, and what those choices are. That is generally better than feeling trapped or continuing to try to achieve the impossible.
If your choice is to keep him in your home, please call Social Services and see what kind of help is available to you.
I know I have been there, and am living this now.
My mother had it, but this is a new scale for me. I am getting losy and need help.
Gloria H. RN, MSN
Let me start by saying that if she is up that many hours each day you either need in home help or to place her in a facility. My step mom was the 'can do anything' personality and was getting sick because of the schedule. I tried to help and we tried in home care, but he always wanted (trusted) her. She finally broke down. Don't get to that point as it makes it worse for everyone involved. My dad has been in a facility for a month and a half now and is doing so much better in every way. The lack of stress induced from the caregiver side and the limiting of the size of his world has caused him to relax and be so much happier and more content. The first couple of weeks were rough but now I go and take him places and we are back to the way things used to be. He is happy there but is having trouble finding the bathroom in his room.
He has been suffering with this for a few years. Started by using trash cans when he would be away from home, then in closets and trash cans at home. Putting up blue tape arrows to the bathroom helped find the bathroom.
I suggest the book 'A Dignified Life' it is a really good way to look at being a caregiver. You suggest that your mom might be doing this on purpose and thinking it is funny. I suggest that she knows that she needs to go, but can't 'connect' with where. I would guess that she knows what she did was improper and is trying to hide it, when caught laughing is from nervous embarrassment and inability to explain. The other replies are right, the previous person is still there and that explains some of the behavior, but the plotting and multi-step acting out is likely not possible. The want and urge for control likely is present and giving her things that she can be the dictator of would likely help. I think that the backwards jumpsuit or other restrictions would just make the lack of control feeling worse.
The OCD dementia link is very interesting as I can see that in many people that have walked this path. I will be interested in looking into this further.
We have never been a very touchy feely talky family, but I have found that looking into my dad's eyes while touching his hand, arm, shoulder, and telling him that he could trust me is the most soothing thing for him when he is upset and anxious.
Hope this helps, it is not easy.
My mom once dropped a deuce in a wastebasket at a friends house, I am not kidding, and I was horrified! I got everything all cleaned up and stayed closer to her after that and would put her on the pot if she started 'I have to go' behavior.
Good luck, this is the toughest thing you can do for anyone and you are an angel but this is TOUGH!
PirateQueen mentioned about controling issues with mom. Well, to be frank mom made me and my siblings lives living hell growning up due to her controlling OCD issues(I also think mom had some schzinophrenic tendencies)She NEVER work outside the home. She spent everyday doing the same things over and over. Cleaning the house and never sitting still are some of my biggest memories of her as well as she view life in a dilusion instead of reality. She was the dicator not only to us kids but to my father. And I do still see some of that behavior in her.I wished she still wanted to clean. Instead after my father died about 6yrs ago she became a hoarder. Not to get off subject but does anyone know if her dementia now has anything to do with her undiagnosed mental illness she suffered with most of her life? She would never admit it. But everyone she ever associated with thru out her life knew she suffered mentally! Could her dementia be rooted by underlying condition? maybe I will post that as a question to see what I can find out?
One suggestion posted by some was about unstripable clothes. I am going to check into that!! Maybe I will break out my sewing machine. MOM might enjoy helping me make her a STRAIGHT JACKET JUMPSUIT!!!LOL
THANKS AGAIN TO ALL! GOD BLESS!!
Yellow fever...I have read many instances here of other folks moms and dads doing the same thing...you are in good company..and have received many good ideas. How often are you around here to be able to catch her in the act and try to stop it when it happens. I agree with maintaining a routine and the praise idea as well. I have been handing my mom toliet paper when she goes to wipe because she was not wiping at all so that is okay when she goes pee but not poo, someone has to help wipe for that...either me or caregiver or the pullups get the brunt...and then have to change and clean up later. Can you have conversation with your mom, does she have any teensy bit of reasoning left or is it all gone?
ALWAYSLEARNING: you are so right about Yellofeever needing to speak to her husband. There is no reason for you to deal with this alone. We have 'partners' for a reason.
LUVMOM: you are very creative! That is what it takes to survive. Creativity! And Buck and Buck's clothing will help too.
Another possiblity though could be a UTI!! If the behavior is 'new' it could be because she has a UTI. (Urinary tract infection). Why not have a simple urine test done to rule it out.
So many good ideas here..... but we can easily forget, no pun intended, that with Alzheimer's ALL bets are off!!
Email me any time, its ok, after about a year it will stop, my Mom just stopped doing it . You will be ok, they cannot get off clothes zipped up the back either.