My mother uses the house as a open toilet! What do I do?

he gets a montly social sec he went thru a divorce in which he did own his land and house in matters ex wife has made it were it has been forclosed she stayed on the property in which we were in beleaf she was paying for the morgage we were not informed that it wasnt being paid and it was forclosed he falls in the area to much money and to little we are not paid care takers were family and the land and property went right under us we are consintrating on him getting better she let him drink all the time just not to deal with him and it was killing our dad and she was helping its a sad story really

Tony: Does your FIL own a home? Does he have money in the bank. How much does money does he receive monthly?

I MADE HIM CLEAN UP HIS OWN PO . I GUESS DEPENDS ON IF YOU HAVE ALREADY WALKED IN THIS AREA WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHY CANT HE DO THE SAME IN PICKING IT UP IN A GUIDING WAY TO COMPLEATE A TASK AND HEY LOOK WE COMPLETED A ACTIVITY HE KNOWS ITS WRONG HE KNOWS HE HAS A CAMODE HE DOES IT WHEN HE DONT GET HIS WAY AS IN A GROSS WAY AND UNHEALTHY TO HIMSELF AS FOR OTHERS CLEANING THE MATTER UP JUST SAYING ITS OK GO PLAY SOME BACKGAMMA IS JUST NOT A WAY TO DO THINGS ITS NOT OK AND THEY SHOULD KNOW IT ISNT GOOD BEHAVIOR . MONEY TALKS IN WHICH WE DONT HAVE FOR HOSPITAL PLACEMENT I JUST DONT SEE JOY IN THE TIME TO COME I DONT THINK ANYONE DOES THIS FOR JOY ITS DUE TO SOMEONE HAS TO CARE FOR OUR ELDERS AND FAMILY IS 1ST ON THE LIST THE FAMILY THAT THIS DAMENTIA COMES INTO WE DONT INVITE THESE ACTIONS WE LEARN TO DEAL WITH THEM AS THEY COME THE PE OPLE CARING FOR THESE PEOPLE WHOM SEEM TO NOT REMEMBER ACTIONS HAVE A OUTLET A PLACE NOT TO BE JUDGED OR TOLD ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THIS ON... IS ANYBODY REALLY READY SOCIAL SERVICES YES WE ARE IN CONTACT AND OPTIONS WAIT LETS SEE WHAT THEY ARE REALLY NOTHING SOCIAL ABOUT ALL THIS I HAVE TOLD MY HUSBAND THE EXTREAME DETAIL ON HIS FATHERS BEHAVIOR I JUST SEE HIS HEART BREAKING IM MAD AND HURT AND STRESSED ANGRY AT THIS MAN FOR THIS HE DRANK HIMSELF HERE ITS HARD TO FEEL FOR THE PERSON WHEN THEY BROUGHT THIS AWEFUL THING INTO THE LIVES OF YOURSELF AND THE CAREGIVER NOW HE DONT REMEMBER BUT HIS LOVED ONES DO .THERE THE ONES FEELING THE PAIN HE FEELS NOTHING BUT FOR HIS OWN WANTS AND NEEDS WHICH WE ASK HIM WHAT DO U WANT A BEER HE ANSWERS MUST BE NICE HE LIVES WITH US HE CANT LIVE ON HIS OWN ANY LONGER I JUST WISH I COULD TEACH HIM AND I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY THATS HOW WE GET THRU THE DAYS ITS A NEW THING EVERYDAY BUT YES I KNOW IT DONT GET BETTER THIS DISEASE I HATE YOU DAMANTIA COME CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF THEN YOU WILL WANT TO FORGET ABOUT IT ALL AS WELL AND THE LOVED ONES WISHING THAT THEY COULD FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS THANKS FOR THE ADVISE AND BEST WISH I FEEL THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME SOME RELIEF IN THE CARE FOR MYSELF AND MY FIL IN JUST THIS TIME SHARING MY STORY HERE AT AGING CARE .COM THANKS AGAIN STRESS CHECK ING IS GOOD HERE

Tony: Please read some of the above suggestions. They are dealing with the same problems that your FIL is dealing with. They have found successful ways of addressing the problem.

I know this is a hardship for you, but your FIL has a disease that is destroying his brain. Being angry and doing the boot camp thing is not the answer.

Please check with your Department of Social Services and see if your FIL qualifies for Medicaid or other services. Also, visit your local Area on Aging and see if they can give you any assistance.

It may be that taking care of someone with your FIL's medical issues is not something you can do at this time in your life. There's no shame in that; it's a very difficult job. Doing what is best for him may mean placing him is a nursing home. Check the agencies, you may have more options than you think.

Good luck and very best wishes. Cattails.

Jeanne's right, you cant say he wont have dementia, etc, the poor guy isnt doing this on purpose, he is sick. IF you dont want to care for him , please place him with someone who will be compasionate with him thru his medical journey. He has lost his reasoning, seriously, he is not doing it because he wants to, its SO common in nursing homes, its a stage they go thru and you need to get him to a dr for answers. As for now, you need to go on someplace like buck&buck online and buy unstrippable clothing so he cannot do this anymore until you make a decision.

I hadn't read your two most recent posts when I responded.

Because your FIL's behavior is similar to a very young child, you are assuming that you can train him and he will improve just as very young children do. Wrong! The chances of being able to retrain this person are very remote. Dementia is NOT like childhood. It does not progress to more mature behavior. It gets worse, and it progresses to more infantile behavior. Yes, a toddler can learn. A person with "a pickled brain" cannot. You are setting yourself up for big failure if you think you are supposed to be able to teach FIL more acceptable behavior.

So ... this is the way it is going to be. Keeping this a secret from your husband seems a very bad strategy to me, and one likely to backfire. Isn't how to deal with FIL a decision you need to make together? Shouldn't you both know all the facts as you discuss this? You are not the bad wife. You did not cause this difficult situation. There is no reason to think that you should be able to cope with it single-handedly. Just having more patience or more discipline or being more caring is NOT going to change things.

I am very, very sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I am sorry for your husband's father, too. But sorry doesn't change things.

You and hubby need to have many heart-to-heart conversations about this situation, with all the facts on the table.

And I ask you again, why is your father-in-law in your home? Yes, he definitely needs care. Are you the most qualified to care for him? Is being with you bringing him joy? Is it bringing you joy? Is it good for your marriage?

Why is he there?

tonyagur, if your FIL has dementia, you are not going to be able to teach him more appropriate behavior. Sorry. You are right -- this may be the calm before the storm.

You and your husband decided to take FIL in. You can decide to continue to care for him. You can decide that this is too hard for you and that all 3 of you would be better off if he were placed in a setting with professionals trained to deal with this kind of behavior.

You can't decide that he won't have dementia any more. You can't decide to teach him better behavior. You can't decide that his brain is going to recover.

Realize that you have choices, and what those choices are. That is generally better than feeling trapped or continuing to try to achieve the impossible.

If your choice is to keep him in your home, please call Social Services and see what kind of help is available to you.

he has also pooped in his plate of food that we made for him i bite my tounge i have tried all the ways it seems i dont let him see me frustrated i let him see a mother figure as you would say in teaching him the ways of his hygine he just looks at me and says yes i know this and smears and throws it even more the next day when a person knows to take there pants and diaper off and knows to pee in a corner like his druckered days what is one to do in preventing this tried rewards in his using the bathroom and it really dont matter i guess he just maybe saying he dont give a poo anymore my husband works i dont let him know all the detail i dont want to be the bad wife in saying i cant do this for his his father anymore what do i do

he looks at us as the enemy due to no more smoking drinking a routine is now in his life and he is rebeling it seems i guess the saying how many times you have to step in po before you learn to walk around it is in order i know his mind is pickeled and i am the understanding person to a point but even a toddler learns thats a no no after a while i know what was in the brain is gone new training is in order its just hard to be that very caring after awhile note we have been caring for his dad a year now

my husbands father he has damentia and he has no other other means of caring for himself so my husband and took on the responsabilty of caring for his dad his wife divorced him he was a bad acholalic in which turned to damentia

tonyagur, why is your father-in-law in your home?

I am going thru the same with my fATHER IN LAW HE PULLS THE BECD COVER UP HE POOPS AND SMEARS IT ON THE WALL HE PEES EVERY WHERE IN HIS ROOM HE HAS A CAMODE BY HIS BED HE HAS DEPENDS HE IS TAKEN TO THE RESTROOM EVERY TWO HOURS NOT ONLY DOES HE DO THIS HE SAYS IT WAS THE OTHER GUY I CLEAN HIM UP CLEAN HIS ROOM CLEAN HIS BED ITS LIKE A CLEAN LITTERBOX DOES IT AS SOON AS WE TURN IN FOR A FEW HOURS HE KNOWS HE IS DOING IT AND HE KNOWS HE LIKES TO WATCH US CLEAN HIS POOP UP SO I IN RETURN MADE HIM CLEAN IT UP ALMOST LIKE BOOT CAMP ILL BE DAM IF I OPEN MY HOME AND CARE TO BE SHIT ON HE CLEANS IT UP A FEW TIMES HE HASNT DONE IT AS OFTEN ITS GETTING BETTER BUT ITS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

This is an old question I see, wonder how she is now? My Mom went thru this about 3 years ago and I had to have her wear clothes she couldnt get off. I used suspenders to hold up her pj bottoms and then cover her top shirt with a 2nd one.But the time she struggled with it unable to get it off, she wet her depends and then forgot about it. IF that doesnt work buy the unstrippable clothing and pajamas that zip up the back. You can order from buck&buck online, etc. Good luck if you still need it.

The dementia is going bad. I have delt with this in the past. Talking anf putting up 2 portable toilets is not the answer. Thet are set in their own minds. It does not matter if they go or do not go to the toilet. They will get upset and angry with you.


I know I have been there, and am living this now.
Es

I don't have an answer; I'm looking for one. I hpe all is well with you; my life is a mess. It is quite hard to live and deal with this desease.

My mother had it, but this is a new scale for me. I am getting losy and need help.

JLEWI910, Luvmom has hit the bullseye with her answer. Your mother cannot help her behavior. She did not ask for dementia. She is not lying -- she is speaking about her own reality, which does not match the external reality. It is good that you love helping others -- you are going to need to use all your talents along those lines. I suggest the best place to start is to read about your mother's disease, what you can expect, and some tips about how best to help someone with the disease. Do not take her behavior personally. She really can't help it.

Your mother has a disease and she cannot help it. She is fooling you that she is ok because in her mind she feels she is. Get some pretty Depends "Underwear Style" ones right next to the regular depends and talk to her. Dont be mad at her, she cannot help it, poor thing . Oh man I hope I dont get this horrible disease. I went thru this with my Mom also and has to use unstrippable clothing on her. She will accuse you of stealing, etc..... also. Take care and take pity on her ok, it wont last?

Please help...my mother likes to save her used bed chucks and hides them so she can reuse them. When I tell her about the urine smell she get mad with me and accuse me of not wanting her in our home. She tells me all the time that she took care of me when I was a little baby and my biology left me with her.She lies alot and constantly tells me that she has all her 5 senses. She also accuses me of talking about her when I close my bedroom. I myself hardly ever talk on phones and donot like or entertain gossip. I'm always on the computer relaxing , playing games or surfing the internet.I'm a Minister and I love helping others. My mother challenges my spiritual walk with God and says that I need Jesus. I know to some of you this may seem petty but I'm torn apart that a woman who cared for me can be so angry in her heart. Please pray for us! She keeps saying that she's going find somewhere else to stay but no family members want her. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home facility. I love her but I'm angry because she doesn't appriciate my family kindness.

Alzheimers is a difficult disease to deal with and I can completely understand your reaction, but it is in fact a NORMAL course of the disease. Although not every patient does this, but it is not uncommon. Frequent opportunities to toilet will help but not stop the behavior completely, especially in the middle of the night. In dementia wards to protect the patients dignity, they put them in one piece outfits that are secured in the back. This stops the behavior when visitors are present and when you see her start fumbling trying to get her outfit off, then you need to toilet her. You could also sew her shirt to her pants and put a zipper or buttons up the back of her shirt so she is unable to undo it herself, which is much cheaper than purchasing the outfits designed especially for this purpose. This may lead to more incontinence, but I think even that would be better than feces smeared all over your home, and will substantially cut down the smell. And no, she's not faking it. When the brain is affected by this disease, it is REALLY affected. Most behaviors are in complete opposition to the "mom" you knew and loved growing up. This is not on purpose or some sort of joke on her part, this is the disease eating away at her brain. If she were in her right mind, she would be appalled at her behavior I'm sure. But she literally cannot help it and has regressed to the mental capability of a small toddler. Hope that helps.
Gloria H. RN, MSN

I searched into this topic because we are trying to find an answer for my dad.

Let me start by saying that if she is up that many hours each day you either need in home help or to place her in a facility. My step mom was the 'can do anything' personality and was getting sick because of the schedule. I tried to help and we tried in home care, but he always wanted (trusted) her. She finally broke down. Don't get to that point as it makes it worse for everyone involved. My dad has been in a facility for a month and a half now and is doing so much better in every way. The lack of stress induced from the caregiver side and the limiting of the size of his world has caused him to relax and be so much happier and more content. The first couple of weeks were rough but now I go and take him places and we are back to the way things used to be. He is happy there but is having trouble finding the bathroom in his room.

He has been suffering with this for a few years. Started by using trash cans when he would be away from home, then in closets and trash cans at home. Putting up blue tape arrows to the bathroom helped find the bathroom.

I suggest the book 'A Dignified Life' it is a really good way to look at being a caregiver. You suggest that your mom might be doing this on purpose and thinking it is funny. I suggest that she knows that she needs to go, but can't 'connect' with where. I would guess that she knows what she did was improper and is trying to hide it, when caught laughing is from nervous embarrassment and inability to explain. The other replies are right, the previous person is still there and that explains some of the behavior, but the plotting and multi-step acting out is likely not possible. The want and urge for control likely is present and giving her things that she can be the dictator of would likely help. I think that the backwards jumpsuit or other restrictions would just make the lack of control feeling worse.

The OCD dementia link is very interesting as I can see that in many people that have walked this path. I will be interested in looking into this further.

We have never been a very touchy feely talky family, but I have found that looking into my dad's eyes while touching his hand, arm, shoulder, and telling him that he could trust me is the most soothing thing for him when he is upset and anxious.

Hope this helps, it is not easy.

She's got Dementia and demented stuff happens.

My mom once dropped a deuce in a wastebasket at a friends house, I am not kidding, and I was horrified! I got everything all cleaned up and stayed closer to her after that and would put her on the pot if she started 'I have to go' behavior.

Good luck, this is the toughest thing you can do for anyone and you are an angel but this is TOUGH!

lovbob

I am glad you shared some of your concerns with your husband and it is great that he has some influence. There may soon come the time when you and your husband will have to decide where your mom will live. Don't lose your husband over this. Is there any particular reason WHY you do not want your mom to be placed in a longterm care facility, yellowfeever? Lack of funds? Feelings of guilt? Lack of trust in facilities? You mentioned that you have siblings. What is their thinking on placing Mom im a facility? You also mentioned that your mom never worked outside the home, had a very controlling nature, and did housework day in and day out. I am HAPPY to report to all people who DON'T find keeping a house spotless is the end-all and be-all of life that, in order to stave off the development of Alzheimer's, the following challenges are recommended: crossword puzzles, brainteasers, crafts such as woodworking and sewing (maybe sewing jumpsuit straitjackets, yellowfeever), hobbies such as gardening and building model airplanes, socializing (which is sort of what we do in this group), reading, learning a new language, taking a class, travelling to learn, learning to use a new "tool" of some sort, attending thought-provoking events, reversing how or in what order you do things. NOTE: NO where did it say concentrating on keeping a spotlessly clean house. Hooray!!! Average-clean is good enough! :-)

UPDATE: I took mom to dr. other day, she doesn't have UTI. So, thats one less factor. So far, her "special" underpants I have made up seem to still be working, I know it won't last though, she'll figure out how to rip the tabs off. But for now its a break for me. thanks for your advice I have confided some in my husband whats going on(didn't go into great lengths). Of course he reacted as I thought. He thinks she needs to be placed. So, thats a whole other can of worms. Anyways, him and I did a sit down with mom. She always seems to listen to him more than me( my hubby has always reminded her of my father in physical and personality ways) She still has some understanding to things we she wants to listen too, so only time will tell.
PirateQueen mentioned about controling issues with mom. Well, to be frank mom made me and my siblings lives living hell growning up due to her controlling OCD issues(I also think mom had some schzinophrenic tendencies)She NEVER work outside the home. She spent everyday doing the same things over and over. Cleaning the house and never sitting still are some of my biggest memories of her as well as she view life in a dilusion instead of reality. She was the dicator not only to us kids but to my father. And I do still see some of that behavior in her.I wished she still wanted to clean. Instead after my father died about 6yrs ago she became a hoarder. Not to get off subject but does anyone know if her dementia now has anything to do with her undiagnosed mental illness she suffered with most of her life? She would never admit it. But everyone she ever associated with thru out her life knew she suffered mentally! Could her dementia be rooted by underlying condition? maybe I will post that as a question to see what I can find out?
One suggestion posted by some was about unstripable clothes. I am going to check into that!! Maybe I will break out my sewing machine. MOM might enjoy helping me make her a STRAIGHT JACKET JUMPSUIT!!!LOL
THANKS AGAIN TO ALL! GOD BLESS!!

One little quip about control...if they have NPD...Narcissitic Personality Disorder..in which they love to control people...this still carries on in their advanced stages..they still do test and control...it does not completely go away. Somethings that are imbedded in ones personality does not completely go away if it was a prominent feature in their life - as being a controling person..or control freak... not saying Yellow fever's mom is like that...just speaking from my own corner.

Yellow fever...I have read many instances here of other folks moms and dads doing the same thing...you are in good company..and have received many good ideas. How often are you around here to be able to catch her in the act and try to stop it when it happens. I agree with maintaining a routine and the praise idea as well. I have been handing my mom toliet paper when she goes to wipe because she was not wiping at all so that is okay when she goes pee but not poo, someone has to help wipe for that...either me or caregiver or the pullups get the brunt...and then have to change and clean up later. Can you have conversation with your mom, does she have any teensy bit of reasoning left or is it all gone?

MiaMadre, thanks, and you are correct, good reminder. They do pee so much MORE when they have a UTI and are crazier and more confused than normal then too, good point! I nox ow keep my Mom on 1 amoxicillin daily as a preventative. I am about to post something on that now. Thanks
luvmom

Yelllowfever: I am glad to hear that you understand that a person with Alzheimer's is able to "appear" to be 'with it' one minute or vengeful another, but make no mistake, they are NOT responsible for their actions. Even if it appears as if they are doing things deliberately, they are not responsible for their actions.
ALWAYSLEARNING: you are so right about Yellofeever needing to speak to her husband. There is no reason for you to deal with this alone. We have 'partners' for a reason.

LUVMOM: you are very creative! That is what it takes to survive. Creativity! And Buck and Buck's clothing will help too.

Another possiblity though could be a UTI!! If the behavior is 'new' it could be because she has a UTI. (Urinary tract infection). Why not have a simple urine test done to rule it out.

So many good ideas here..... but we can easily forget, no pun intended, that with Alzheimer's ALL bets are off!!

God Bless

Yellowfever....welcome to Dementia/alheimer world ! This is NOT on purpose, please dont even think that !!!! I was told this would happen to my mom from a friend who lost her Mom to dementia/alz and I didnt believe her. She told me my Mom would begin to use my home as her personal toilet. Sure enough, it started happening. My Mom would get up, pull down her pants and pee all over her bedroom floor, I was shocked and devastated. I would try and hide to clean it and then realized she got right back into bed and never knew what she did. After a Long Time of aggravation and denial on my part, I came up with a solution. I sewed straps onto pajama bottoms that are like suspenders. I put them over a pj top, THEN put another PJ top over that. She could NO longer remove her clothes to pee or poop and by the time she tried to figure it all out, she had done it in her pants and then forgot about it. There is also "unstrippable" clothing you can buy on a site called Buck and Buck but my Mom was too large for their clothes, nice thou.
Email me any time, its ok, after about a year it will stop, my Mom just stopped doing it . You will be ok, they cannot get off clothes zipped up the back either.
Luvmom

I'm very impressed and compassionate about everything you're going through. Still, if you're "the type who thinks you can do everything on your own" and you're hiding this from your husband, you are placing stress on your marriage, more than you know. In addition to the excellent problem-solving you're doing about the immediate problems with your mom.... Step back and look at your situation with fresh eyes. Big picture, what would you advise someone else doing what you're doing?

I hope your new solution to the problem continues to work, yellowfeever. Of course you would rather change a diaper than scrub down the house!! If your mom can make it to the bathroom in time or "does her job" during routine bathroom visits, then hallelujah, the diaper stays clean. But if the timing is off, the diaper is there to serve its purpose. I hope your mom doesn't learn how to undo it. If she does, then she will have to be clothed in items that can only be undone in the back (as one caregiver suggested). But to tell you the truth, if your mom is awake 21 hours out of 24 and hardly ever sits still, YOU need help of some sort. I don't see how you can continue to live the way you are doing now.

yellowfeever...I must tell you that some of the behaviors your mom is exhibiting seem too advanced for someone impacted by dementia. For example, her pulling up the bedpads seems more like she is acting out then that she is losing it. Perhaps she is testing you to see if your love for her still trumps your love for your husband. Her response to the diapers with tabs is especially interesting. If my observation about her testing you, I am betting she will start ripping off those diapers by the week-end. BTW-how does she react when your husband is home. Look for any differences. Most dementia and Alz patients are consistent in their behavior patterns because their loss of short term memory prevents them from controlling people and their environment to suit their preferences.