My mother recently lost her husband and shouldn't need to live alone. Do I pass up a job offer after being unemployed for over a year?

Dont do it. Take that job and tell your sister if she is that worried about mom she can move in with her and forget about helping her daughter and new grandbaby. After all mom is more important than your sisters daughter and baby. Bet she would say no real quick but she is asking you to give up your life and an income to care for your mother.

Funny how selfless people are with other people's lives.

Your mother's only option is NOT to have you move in with her, which rarely works out in the long run! Just b/c she's a widow does not mean YOU have to give up your life. She can stay put, she can move into Senior Independent Living where she'll be able to socialize with lots of other elders in the exact same position, she can advertise for a roommate, or about a dozen other things. Just b/c your sister thinks it's your duty to move in with your mother does not make it a good idea, either. Why doesn't SHE move in with mother if it's such a necessity? Because she's taking care of a grandbaby? That's a flimsy excuse if ever I've heard one. It's b/c she doesn't want to, that's why. So she's laying it on thick with YOU, as if it's your duty & obligation, which it isn't.

Please take the new job offer, get your life on track, pursue the new relationship, stay on track with your newly completed rehab program (which includes self-care), and move on with your life. Go visit mom as often as you can, and leave it at that. Don't think of it as 'selfish' or any such thing, either...........just think of it as living YOUR life and allowing your mother to live HERS.

Best of luck!

Starlight - what would it look like if you moved in with your mother?

I have read posts from many who didn't have a job and moved in with the parent(s), and these are some of the things that happened to them:

After they moved in, they survive solely on the parent's social security and pension. They take care of the parents and feel trapped as they can't move out because they don't have any money.

In their siblings' view, they are getting to live rent free and getting free food, so they are getting a 'good' deal. The siblings don't know and don't care how difficult it is to take care of the parents and lose their lives and their independence. They get to stay home to take care of the parents for years on end while their siblings take vacation after vacation. Life is passing them by.

When the parent has to go to a nursing home and if the parent owns a house, the siblings want them to move out right away so that the house can be sold and proceed used to pay for nursing home costs. So now, they find themselves homeless, jobless and penniless. Since they were out of the workforce for so long, they no longer have the skills or the confidence to get a decent job.

Don't let this fate fall on you.

The fact that you mother is newly widowed does not equate to needing a live-in adult child.

Are you independently wealthy and able to support yourself through YOUR old age without ever working again?

What are your mother's care needs? What are her resources for getting them met?

Those are the questions that the three of you should sit down and discuss, perhaps with input from mom's doctor.

The Area Agency on Aging can also be useful in providing a "needs assessment" to identify mom's needs.

If it were me, I would take the job. You may not receive another offer. How would it benefit you to move in with your mom? You will still be unemployed, and the arrangement may not work out the way you would hope. Then what? There's no doubt that she will grieve your dad's passing, that she will be lonely, that she will feel a piece of her is missing, but these are all "normal" emotions after such a devastating loss. It will take a while, many months or even years, for her to finally accept his death and begin to live a life of her own.

You say your mother is in good health and can live independently. That may be one solution. An independent living facility could offer her the opportunity to socialize, forget about house cleaning and meals, and participate in activities. Another option would be to bring in a home helper a few times a week for a few hours to provide help in running the house, or just to socialize to reduce the loneliness. Eventually, because of her failing eyesight, she may need an assisted living facility. I lost my wife of 52 years three years ago. As a recovering widower, some loneliness persists, but the grief is gone, and although my life lacks her presence, and always will, I've adapted and it's “almost” normal. A book titled “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse”, Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge, is an excellent resource.

I know this decision is wearing on you, but you can't live your life for others. It may sound like the honorable thing to do, but it's not practical.

You’ll be putting your dreams on hold for 50 years.

If you want to end up jobless, husband less, homeless, and eventually a 24/7 caregiver…with no vacations…oh .right, all your “vacation “ plans will be only with your mother.

TAKE THE JOB!!! MARRY YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

Help your mother downsize & move to independent living apartment….that can later on graduate to assisted living.

Please don’t ruin your life. Tell your sister to take care of your mother if she’s so concerned.

I’m 62 and my mother is 94 with dementia. She didn’t always have dementia…or have incontinence or immobile 30 years ago..but we were lonely & stayed together…I never married & my “career “ got put on hold too. Oh & btw, my mother needed assistance because she developed vision problem in her 60s …my father passed away 29 years ago. …& here I am still home with my mother.
DON’T MAKE MY MISTAKE!!!!
HUGS 🤗

You are at the crossroads. If you read questions on the Forum you will see the desperately unhappy posts of many who sacrificed their own lives to an elder who already had his or her life. They often end up terribly unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, and ultimately without a home a job or a family of themselves. Some are in such desperate straits that they are advised to go to a homeless shelter at the age of 40s or 50s and try to work up from bed, to room in someone else's home, to a small apartment. They have no family and they have no savings. They were never paid for the care and the elder often spent decades angry at them, confused, and unhappy.
I suggest that the family get together now and speak with Mom. Support her well as you are able until the time comes, if it comes, that she cannot maintain herself in her home.
And by the way, grab that job. If you need counseling to sort this out it is Licensed Social Workers who are especially trained to help with "life transitions" work often enough. They will help you comb out what you "job in life" is now. And what options are available now and in future to your Mom. Remember, you have your own life. Your Mom and Dad already had theirs. They would not want you to sacrifice yourself on some altar for them I am betting (I am hoping). Many elders don't have ONE child, let alone several to help them negotiate their elder years.

Say no to your sister, take the job. You have to plan for your future and take care of yourself. Just because she is a widow doesn't mean she is helpless.

JOB. JOBJOB. J-O-B.

If there was one word I could permanently remove from the “caregiver dictionary”, it would be “selfish.”

Self-care is not selfish. Everyone please say that out loud several times throughout your life journey.

I’m unenthused and a wee bit disgusted at your sister’s suggestion. While she may have your mom’s best interest at heart, she isn’t thinking of YOUR best interest.

Because I can “hear” the excitement in your words, my humble opinion is that you embark on whatever path(s) your heart desires at this moment, regardless of sister’s wants or mom’s needs. You have a life to live, so go for it!

There are all kinds of senior care companies out there, as well as private duty caregivers … not to mention friends, neighbors, fellow church goers … you name it. It may take some tome getting some good folks in place, but you can do it. And you’ll find time to visit and check in on mom, too. You will.