My mother recently lost her husband and shouldn't need to live alone. Do I pass up a job offer after being unemployed for over a year?

Does your mom need care? If it is more than a matter of being lonely and she needs someone to care for her their are programs that will allow family members to be the in-home care giver. That would allow you to do both find a job (working for your mom) and be able to stay with her so she not be alone. The program we have here is called IRIS. It is a good option for those who want their family member to be able to stay at home and have someone they know and trust helping them. Someone who really cares about them, not strangers who come and go.

Hi Starlight,
i a was in a very similar, but different, situation. To make a very long, sad story, short.. I wish I would have either went to live with mom or moved her in with me. No question about it.

as you make your decision, I can suggest the following:
Base the decision between you and your mother and what you feel in your heart to be right. Do not bring in emotion on what other siblings could/should do, no matter how right that thinking may be. They will have to live with their decisions on how they sacrificed, or not, for their aged mother.
Do what you know to be right and things will work out. I can almost guarantee it will be very challenging BUT to be able to look back and know you did everything you could may turn out to be one of the biggest blessings of your lifetime.
This is the beginning of a season to take care of mom, it is not going to get easier; do what you can and set yourself to enjoy time with mom.
perhaps you could hire a caregiver or maybe mom may be in an area where there is good elderly help available. At the time I thought was cost prohibitive for me but turns out other decisions became much more costly.
Plan for her needs increasing. Don't wait for an emergency, your options may be limited and you will not be able to think as clearly. Please do not look to nursing home down the road, unless the absolute 24 hour need is there. Those places are torture and a stain on our humanity.
Best to you!

I take it you aren't old enough to 'retire' yet - tell sis that you need to be pumping all the income you can into taking care of yourself in old age. Explain you have made progress in turning your life around, have a meaningful relationship and want to work on that because you are trying to think long term for yourself. You may have to talk in a circle with her to get her to understand: Ask her what she has in place as far as money or insurance, etc, that she plans to use to take care of herself when she reaches a point where she can't do it alone. Then say, those are the things I don't have in place yet - I have no kids to rely on, so I need to focus on the future. You can add: If you were in my shoes, would you have given up employment? Without getting life on right track and actually seeing some success, would you have put your goals aside? I'm just not ready to do that, nor can I afford to.

Living alone for your mom is quite an adjustment, but may do better than you think if she had been primary caretaker for your dad before his passing. You could discuss mom coming to visit with both you/your sister to see what she can do for herself in your homes. It's very possible after a few stays between the two homes, mom will want to return to her home and quite able to do so. Should her health decline further, it comes down to how much money mom has to pay for in-home care - going to assisted living - living permanently with one of you in your homes. That should be a family discussion so everyone understands what mom would like to see happen versus what can actually happen.

Hi Starlight, I can't think of any bigger threat to a new sobriety than leaping into a position where you are guaranteed to feel trapped, dependent, and like your needs don't matter, all at the same time. You matter, your life matters, and your sobriety needs as much attention, nurturing and love as possible. Do you have a sponsor or counselor? Maybe ask their opinion as well. Good luck, with everything.

Personally, I think you should think of YOU first. You have not had it easy and Covid did not help. You have no idea of what awaits you in terms of her behavior and personality. She was married for many years and you have a chance at life. Do not let YOUR life go. She lived her life. Arrange for a suitable caretaker or place her. You have a new chance at life and need to grab it now as you may not get another chance.

I would take the job, stay where you are and stay healthy and sober. You need to set those boundaries and make them strong. Tell your sister that you will not move in with your mother but you will be happy to brainstorm with her about alternatives.

Others have said that you need to be concerned about your own retirement as well as your sobriety. And I agree.

Take the job.

You say you're single and presumably live alone (?), so why can't your mother learn to do that too? I have always found it very odd that those who are of the mind that it's necessary to have company ("I can't live alone") always assume that everyone thinks the same way they do. So who is that thinks your mother can't live alone - your mother, you, or your sister? Have you asked your mother if she wants you to move in?

Live your life, your way. You get one go, please don't sacrifice it at your sisters' behest unless you're sure that's what you really want - and from your post I don't think it is.

If there was one word I could permanently remove from the “caregiver dictionary”, it would be “selfish.”

Self-care is not selfish. Everyone please say that out loud several times throughout your life journey.

I’m unenthused and a wee bit disgusted at your sister’s suggestion. While she may have your mom’s best interest at heart, she isn’t thinking of YOUR best interest.

Because I can “hear” the excitement in your words, my humble opinion is that you embark on whatever path(s) your heart desires at this moment, regardless of sister’s wants or mom’s needs. You have a life to live, so go for it!

There are all kinds of senior care companies out there, as well as private duty caregivers … not to mention friends, neighbors, fellow church goers … you name it. It may take some tome getting some good folks in place, but you can do it. And you’ll find time to visit and check in on mom, too. You will.

Nobody will pay your retirement or expenses when you are a senior. Secure your own future.

Offer to help your mom in ways that you can while working full time. Help your sister to find more helpers - other family members, friends, members of faith community, and paid help - to meet your mom's needs. Offer to clean house once a week. Offer to look for an assisted living situation your mom can move into - more people around her + help. There are more options that just moving in with your mom.

Family interactions and expectations! A lot of times you can do everything others want and they are still NOT HAPPY. Please take care of yourself. Doing what you need in life is NOT being selfish. It is being respectful of your life.

I have a couple words for your dear sister who wants to wash her hands of her share of the responsibility, but they are not nice words for publication:-)
Who the hell is going to be there for YOU when you get older and can retire? Who will be there for you NOW god forbid you get sick and can't care for dear old mom? Being single, from a survival and financial perspective deserves JUST if not MORE consideration as someone with a baby. Mom will have to contend with her grief regardless of her living arrangements, and she needs to take on some of that responsibility not lay it on either of you daughters. You cannot afford, I'm guessing, to turn down a job. You have been through a rough enough time yourself....It's hard for those of us who are grateful, appreciative, and caring to put ourselves first....we're so not used to that....but there comes a point...for me getting so ill I was near death (not Covid related) that we have to say..hey...wait a second. I matter too! Check out your mom's local city hall or the local Area Agency on Aging to see what services are available for mom so she can continue living independently. There may be more than you realize. Groceries, meals can be delivered, and there may well be transportation as well. Perhaps you have a local sight center that can suggest things to help with vision loss to manage better. Maybe share her home with a college student (background checked) and for lower rent the person can help with various tasks mom needs help with like house cleaning or meal prep....

Take the job and the relationship. Just out of rehab, you need support more than you need to BE a support. Explain this to your sister; with the promise that you will visit and be hands-on for your Mom as much as you can. Can you have Mom visit you for a couple of days every month or so? Be sure Mom's apartment has minimal fall risks and install wifi cameras that can help you monitor her while she's alone. Install bright lighting and buy her magnifiers. Last, if it's financially possible from your Mom's income, hire a caretaker for a couple of hours a day to help with meals, laundry, and companionship. Best of luck to you!

I suggest you take the job and relationship. Tell sister you can't do it. She can do it, or you all can hire someone, or place her.
I left my career to move to the country and build a house for mom and me, and two stressful years later, I had to place her anyway, and I don't have my career anymore. Now I am 62 and I can't go back to it. And there are no single guys out here.
On the other hand, I am glad I had that time with her before placing her..

During my life someone in the family has had to have a job; we call it making a living. That is a ridiculous ask of your sister's unless you are rich. We are going into an even more difficult economic period, I promise you. Caretaking is difficult and usually doesn't pay the bills. If you have had a problem requiring rehab, you may need the work for structure as well as money. Caretaking is a lonely, stressful job. If you think this through and figure out a way to develop a lucrative living while you live with your Mom, if living with your Mom is comfortable, if your recovery is solid and supported in that situation, and if you can still work on a relationship, then consider doing so.Those seem like long bets to me.Take the job if not. Offer to come home when you can, and do, and offer to pick up some sort of help for your Mom, at times, when you are able to do it financially. You have to take care of yourself, be real. Maybe your sister will find a decent job for you near your Mom, but I doubt it.And she may mean well, it depends on how she presented the idea, if so she will understand graciously.

Why do you think mom is unable to be alone? Was dad taking care of her prior to his death? Is she mentally or physically unable to care for herself? Your life and happiness are important too. Do not be guilted into being responsible for moms care. Sort out with sis what mom really needs and how to share the responsibilities. There are many groups that provide services to help the elderly. You are using one of them now with your question. It is my opinion that being alone is not a bad thing if mom is capable to care for herself.

The selfish one, is the sister... big big ask of you.

let the chips land where they fall. Family should start looking at the resources as help is needed

live your life!

Please do not pass up the opportunity to start your life. Take that job. It is selfish for your sister to even ask you to do such a thing, she’s retired and is living her life the way she wants to. You have the chance of a job, a relationship, your independence. You stated your mom is healthy, does she even need someone to live with her? If your mother needs assistance, have an aide come in. Don’t not give up your life!!!! Have compassion but be firm!!

I will admit I have not read all the replies and your possible responses to any of them BUT...
Why can't your mom live alone?
I am Widowed as are many of my friends. It is a fact of life that women outlive men and by that statistic alone there are a lot of women living alone. And I think most of us do quite well. Possible with a bit of help here and there.
There is no way you should pass up a job opportunity that presents itself IF...
It is a job you want in your chosen field OR if you will learn and grow from this job. Not to add that a job will increase your income when you retire and it will also allow you to pay down debt that I imagine has accumulated over the time you have been unemployed as well as an opportunity to save for your future.
Now that the "logical" is out of the way..
You can not nor should you bear the responsibility of caring for your mom.
If she truly can not live alone a facility that will best meat her needs anything from Independent Living, she would not have to do anything to maintain, no property taxes and little if any bills for most other household expenses. Assisted Living if she needs a little up to a lot of help. Memory Care if she has been diagnosed with dementia to Skilled Nursing if she has medical conditions that require more help. (your mom has not been diagnosed with dementia or does not need skilled nursing, I am putting this in for others that may be in the same situation)
Now lets break it down.
If Independent living is for her, you can take the job, she does not "need" you.
If Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing is appropriate, take the job since you probably will not be able to care for her yourself and will need to hire caregivers to help out. (and by you hire I mean mom pays for them)
If finances are a problem, her house gets sold, assets used to pay for her care then apply for Medicaid.
Your mom would not want you to "reject this new job offer, put your relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put your dreams of finally getting your life on the right track"

If she truly needs you to help out SHE can be the one to move closer to you. Notice I did not say move IN with you. A Senior Apartment, or Independent Living facility where she can be active. BUT moving will take her away from all her friends and an area that she has lived in for a very long time.

And a final questions as your mom been asked about what she wants? It sounds like you and your sister are the ones that are spearheading this not your mom.

I am living alone after 64 years. Im even deaf and have no problem. Your mom might like living alone! At least give her a chance to find out before you decide she need 24 hr care. Get that JOB! Do you really believe taking care of a baby is as hard as taking care of an elderly person? Your sister is being very selfish. Her daughter can take care of her own baby. And she is retired.she has lots of time to spend with mom. You need to go back to work so someday you too will be well off enough to retire. Dont compare your sisters life with yours. Let her know you will do what you can but moving or giving up your job is not an option. Your sister has more time then you and is obviously financially ok. You are not. Please don't let her talk you into giving up your life to take care of mom who might be OK perfectly fine taking care of herself. women do not become helpless after the loss of a husband.

Can your mom move in with you or at least closer to you? That way, you wouldn't have to sacrifice a good job opportunity, but you could have your mom closer.

You need to politely decline to move back home. One if you turn the job down you will not have health insurance unless you are Medicare age. What would you do for income if you pass up the job. Is your sister will or capable to pay you. You sound like you are in recovery, the situation of giving up this opportunity could set you back. My dad lost his wife after 76 years. He is doing fine living a lone. I pop in and out and assist as needed. Your sister in the grand baby should be able to do this or bring in a part time helper. When I was young my grandma took me with her everyday to check in and make meals for the lady across the street. It was a good experience to be around this elderly lady.

Please don't give up your life. I gave up mine when my mum moved in with me and it's made me so unhappy. I gave up job and my relationship and am now, after over 4 years, still in limbo waiting to have a life again. My daughter says she has lost her mum and I can't actually remember what I was like before, but I know I was much happier. You only get one life and you must live it. Your mum has had many more years of life than you and must understand that she can't take that away from you!! I can't go on much longer in my situation but you have the opportunity to not get into the situation in the first place.

If possible, buy her a computer and teach her how to use the Zoom or Skype app so you two can communicate.

Please, take the job and create your own life. I turned down two wonderful job opportunities all due to “what if my dad this... or my
mom that...” My dad did eventually become very ill, etc.. However, I now see that I thought I was to rescue him and my mom from all circumstances! You were not born to be a child and then become a substitute spouse for your parents. Trust me... this is so easy to fall into. You can find ways to be supportive to your mom that do not include moving in with her and being her 24 hour support system. This will physically and mentally drain you. Again, accept the job, flourish and enjoy creating your own life! Your sister has quite obviously created hers.

You just got out of rehab, have been out of work, and finally found a job?? For god's sake take it and get on with your life! After posting on here and asking for advice, I hope the job is still available!
Your mom isn’t all that old...probably in her 70’s? She will go through grieving of course which is only natural. But she isn’t helpless. Unless her husband did every single thing and she doesn’t have a clue how to pay bills etc.. If that’s the case, it doesn’t require you to take over as a "pseudo" husband.
Have someone find out if there is a widows support group, if she has a religious denomination, then visit with her pastor, rabbi or priest etc. She needs to find her resilience. And perhaps at some point, move to a senior community.
You need to be working on building your social security and retirement savings. She had a life..now it’s your turn. You and sister can support her in other ways.

You don't mention your age. Let's presume you're 40. You need to work to accrue social security benefits, you also need to put other money aside so that when you're elderly you have something to live on. What you are experiencing is called singleism. Coupled people, especially those with children, expect that single people can easily give up jobs, etc. In reality singles are more vulnerable in that they depend only on their own income, must take care of medical needs unassisted, and don't reap benefits of "family" safety nets from the government. You need your job right now. Offer to visit on weekends, call every day, offer to scout for assistance for you mom in her area, offer to handle finances, or even to consider relocating in a year or two (after you find a job in that location). You have to work now. If the job, for some reason, doesn't work, consider the move. Now, though, is not the time.

These are very hard choices. If Mom is in good mental and physical health then maybe a compromise situation between your family and yourself can be achieved; whereas mom will spend time with yourself and your sister, as well as, continue to live by herself and have a companion visit periodically to be a friend to mom. Maybe try a scenario out to see how to works, but always keep in touch with mom, call her daily.

Not clear if your mom is still living in her own home or has already moved in with your sister and why sister doesn't want her to live with her?

I would tell your sister that you are going to accept the job offer and if it doesn't pan out, then you will consider moving back.

But, even if you move back, you would be working, not staying home with your mom as she is in good health.

Speak to mom and sister about it to come up with other ideas..

Maybe mom could get a Roommate so she wouldn't be alone and make some extra money at the same time.

Maybe she could do Volunteer wor to keep her busy

Maybe your mom is ok with living alone and you could call her everyday to check up on her and your sister can visit her every day?

Maybe mom would like to downsize and move from her home to a Senior Living Apartment that would have other Seniors for company and things to do.

It's sad when our parents get old but you really have to make the choice of what would be best for you as you have mentioned that you just completed a rehab program and it may be easier for you to stay where you're the most happiest so you will have a better chance at staying out of rehab.

Prayers

My father died just before my parents' 55th wedding anniversary. The first year was hard. However, she is resilient. She's found that she could do things that she didn't know she could do. Yes, she does need handyman type things done around the house. Yes, she does at times get lonely, but she is thriving. I can't imagine a mother of sound mind wanting to live with one of her children. She would want you to live your life and be happy.

Speaking from experience: Don't move in with your mum. I did this when my father died. Lost my career. I have a job interview coming up now and it will involve staying away some nights but my mum is already laying on the guilt. She is healthy and has a good social life. I don't know if I'll get the job because I have been out of the mainstream workforce for so long thanks to all these years as mum's companion, but I will seize this opportunity with both hands. Take the job. Good luck and God bless. You deserve a life too x