So mum is 87. Mostly a narcissist. Very difficult. She is very verbally aggressive and has most of her marbles, her intellect is sharp. I am her primary person and have worked very hard to support her. And to keep sane.
I have just let her have her car back. Yes, she still drives and is legal to do so.
I removed her house keys from her car keys and she’s wangling to get them back. She wants to "visit' the house and 'do ' something there. Probably try to grab stuff to bring back to the rest home - not an option as I am working hard for her room to be un-hoarded and I told her the home has policies around this - as I am sure they do.
I am conveniently 'forgetting' to bring the keys and hoping to do this for a while. The house is in such dreadful condition it is unsafe and I would not bring a rat into it. It’s a deathtrap. Not a place for a frail unsteady compromised older person.
There are no definitive answers here- but mostly my needs are around support. I love Mum but she is doing my head in. And driving me nuts. My health has been suffering and my mental health is challenging. I am trying very hard to keep good boundaries with her. But a lot of the situation is a lose-lose one. I will not withdraw from mum as I love her and she needs me. My siblings do support as best they can but she drives them crazy too.
I am sure people here have come across this sort of situation before and come through. It’s not just the original question. It’s everything.
PS, We live in New Zealand so some of my words reflect that.
PPS: Mum can be nice sometimes. Sometimes!
PPPS: My brother still lives in the house even though its plumbing and wiring is broken and the house is full of rubbish.
PPPS; I cannot legally stop my mother even though I have POA over her. She still has legal capacity and is extremely determined and pig headed.
Mum chose to visit her home but also chose not to STAY there. Chose to return to the care home - is that right?
Maybe she has got used to a cleaner environment & prefers it? 😊
Want vs Can't.
Actively wanting to live in squalor differs from living in squalor because a person can't do anything about it.
ie Can't figure out how to clean themself or their home, how to rid it of pests, get maintenance done, pay bills on time etc (front of brain skills).
How your Broher lives is out of your area of control, but seems he has something going in to affect his choices & quality of living too.
Overall, she doesn’t sound like she “has most of her marbles, her intellect is sharp”. This is not an intelligent way for someone to deal with family members whose support she needs.
Perhaps you and your siblings need a conversation about how you all REALLY feel about your mother, and the demands she is placing on you. It may be that you have been in this situation so long that you don’t admit to yourselves and each other that she has worn out all or most of your ‘love’. Remembering better times, or wishing you could make things better, is not the same as loving what you've got now.
One way to deal with this (sometimes the only way) is to back off and let the situation fall over by itself. In reality, you cannot take responsibility for her and her well-being. Neither she nor the law will let you do that.
This is the kind of statement that someone with dementia would make, so it isn't funny but a warning sign. Those with dementia forget they did things and blame someone else.
In our country, if a place is in this condition, the local health authorities would condemn it.
Of course with a car and the keys to it and the ability to drive I don't know what would stop her breaking and entering.
Not everything can be fixed. Report her to the authorities in your area if she is entering a place unsafe to enter. As this is not your home and she is not declared incompetent there is little you can personally do about this. She will likely die in her hoard. It's an option, quite honestly. It is her choice unless she is incompetent under your laws.
Best of luck.
I am hoping she wont go back. Funny enough she said my brother had really messed it the house up. Which is hysterical because its all the same as when she lived there.
In the United States that would mean she cannot be prevented from signing herself out of care and returning to her home.
Here you do not "get POA OVER" a person. A person confers POA upon you if they are competent to do so, and while they have mental capacity they have a right to direct you, but you have zero right to direct them.
I can't know what the laws are for New Zealand.
I was POA/Trustee for my brother. He was organized, kind, agreeable, loving and cooperative. I could not myself do POA for someone who was not.
I wish you luck in your own decisions for your own life ongoing, and trust you, as an adult, to make the best decisions for your own life.
'Forgetting' the keys or just directly saying 'No, I don't have them' is a good policy.
If Mother goes to her old house it will under her own ability, by her own decision (good or bad).
You may be powerless to stop her, but you will not have enabled her.
PS You may be in a similar boat with your Brother.
You can suggest he look for alternative housing, seek support for his health (physical or mental) if he needs it. He can choose to seek help or not.
If you have Financial POA, why not sell the house, as is, and use the proceeds to fund mums stay in managed care? Then bro will have to find other accommodations. And mum cannot drive back home and retrieve more of the hoard.
Or, use moms money to clear the house out of the garbage, fix what's broken, and then sell it for a better price?
Why is mum in a rest home if she's so sharp and legally able to drive?? Because she will likely find a way into that house to go thru her hoard, since hoarders are single minded and obsessive in nature. If she didn't drive, you'd have a better chance keeping her out of there. She wouldn't even need a key if she knocked on the door and your brother answered it!
Otherwise, I have no advice for you. This must be a stressful situation for you and you have my sympathy. Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
I am glad your mom is in AL or rest home, for your sanity, yes narssasist parents can really drain your energy and burn you out .
No your mom should absolutely not go home. Nothing God will come from it. I don't have any good suggestions on how to stop her, but I just wanted to tell you your not alone in these difficult days .
Best of luck to you
Is there any way to sell the home? In your profile you say you have PoA. If real estate is one authority you have, then sell it. When she starts talking about the keys or going to the house, just give her a 1 sentance answer (as in, "No, it's not safe.") and then change the subject. If she gets nasty walk away.
Hoarding is a mental disorder that requires the help of a therapist to overcome. You cannot reason with her, therefore save your breath and move on to more productive things. You might want to talk to a hoarding therapist to help you with boundaries and what narrative to give your Mom when she pushes to revisit her hoard. I wish you all the best on this journey!