Mums in respite and I don’t think I can cope with her coming back

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When I hit burnout I found emergency respite care, and when I began to feel frantic at the thought of my mom returning home I knew it was time to make it permanent. It wasn't an easy decision and there was a lot of self recrimination, I felt as though I'd dropped the ball with the finish line in sight. Of course hind sight is 20/20, the finish line was still 18 months away and there is no way I could have provided the level of care mom needed and received in the nursing home.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to cwillie

Since you say "Mum" I assume your from the UK. Since your health system works different than ours, not sure how your Caregiving system works. Here in the US this would be the time to make her stay permanent.

We have Assisted livings and Memory Care facilities for those who can afford to private pay. For those who need 24/7 care and have no money, we have Longterm care. Our States have Medicaid for those who can't afford it.

If you don't feel you can do it any longer, place Mum. Dementia is not easy to deal with. Its too unpredictable and you never get a break. Its a 24/7 commitment that most of us cannot do. You are entitled to a life.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to JoAnn29

Do what is best for your mom -- and if you are doubting your ability to continue to care for her, then what is best is for her to be in a place where those who have the skills are able to care for her.

Take this time to explore options.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to graygrammie

If you can't cope with her coming back, then refuse to allow her back.
While she's in respite, you should probably talk to a social worker at the facility she's in and tell them you won't be taking her back.
They will help you in finding permanent placement for her.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Paulathomas Nov 23, 2022
Thank you very much for your advice
If you haven't already, call the Age UK Advice Line at 0800 678 1602 for help with next steps.

If you're really dreading the end of respite care, it doesn't bode well for the future for you or Mum. Taking care of a parent sometimes means putting them in the hands of strangers and showing up regularly to ensure they're receiving the care they deserve.

Good on you for making use of respite care. Now take the next step in caring for yourself so you can continue caring for Mum - at a distance.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to ravensdottir

Then don't bring her back.

Simple solutions to simple problems.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ZippyZee

Make your plans now while you have the time. If you take her back, you might look back at this time and wonder why you didn’t make the decision when you had the chance. It is never easy and never guilt free.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to GAinPA

Do not feel guilty.
Speak with the case manager at the respite facility or if she is on hospice speak with the case mgr for her hospice care and, begin the steps to have her placed . They should be competent to advise you on options based on financial availability and placement availability.

In the meantime, be sure that you are getting support for yourself via your faith leaders and/ or hospice Chaplain and/ or social worker to address your grief, and caregiver exhaustion and, faith based support for you ...
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to janicemeyer18

Paulathomas: As you do not want her coming back, plan now by speaking to a social worker.
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Reply to Llamalover47

Consider how you can lessen your caregiving load - services (housecleaning, yard/lawn, grocery delivery...) and helpers (family, friends, members of faith community, paid help...) - so you have a little time off daily and more time weekly. Ideally, you need enough people who know your mum's schedule and medications that they could take over if you were sick or injured.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Taarna

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