This past fall my dad was admitted to the hospital for over a week... I was my mom's sole caretaker, she has moderate dementia. My dad and mom refused the hospital's efforts to send him to rehab (he has mild brain damage and dementia, and acute kidney damage from this past incident). I now have medical POA and I have found a nursing facility that will not only take them both for their various needs, but will keep them together in the same room! How do I get them into the car to travel the couple of hours here, as they know there is a place for them but say they aren't leaving?!?! The nursing home will not go get them.
My parents did not want to go to the memory care either.. so I used some therapeutic fibbing.. told them I was taking them to lunch.. which was true.. lunch at the memory care. Once we got there it was pretty hard.. so no cake walk but at least I got them there.. with dementia you may be able to get away with some fibbing.
When we moved mthr in, I bought her new things and dropped them by, and had already put photos on the walls. She was not aware of how long she'd been in the car, and my husband was taking her 5 hrs by himself... He was thrilled there were family bathrooms at Walmart he could take her into. He drove all day as she claimed to need to go every hour and it was another hour to get her back into the car. (Bring 1 person for each demented one so they don't out number you!)
They arrived at the facility after dark when they planned on noon! The ladies bundled her up and had her in the bath immediately (hoarding situation) and we left. They fed her in her room. For your parents, they could potentially go to their meal with ice cream while you step aside to deal with "some bathroom issues" while you step out the door to the gas station without attracting their notice. Their doc will need to Rx some anti anxiety pills so the SNF can offer them during that first week.
Best Wishes- I know it's heartbreaking. Safety over emotional comfort.
I feel bad that my folks world has turned upside down for them but I’m sooooooo relieved that they are finally safe and well cared for.
Mom is mad as hell but doesn’t have the know how to revoke my poa. And I intentionally did not put a phone in their room or she might try to lawyer up.
No one would evaluate these 2 and determine they could live at home. Not even the sleasiest of lawyers.
Assuming that they are going to the proper place, I'd try to work with the doctor. My LO's doctor told her that she needed to go and get some physical therapy, medication established, etc. So, we called it rehab. She eventually agreed to go to Assisted Living to get herself in better health, work on balance, meds regulated, help with memory, etc. Of course, once she got settled in, she was okay with staying and liked how they took care of her.
I’m just a couple weeks ahead of you in this process. We’re on week five I think. I stayed around for about 2 weeks but began drawing back every day. I got to know key staff folks and saw how the place operated.
I’m 600 miles away. The staff has called me twice. Once to report on mom’s last fall/er trip and once to report on dads hitting staff/er trip. Otherwise I call for a brief update every few days. Sometimes that’s just a short text back and forth.
I haven’t talked to mom in several days. I should call her but I dread it.
Just keep plugging away. Everyone has adjustments to make. It’s never going to be perfect or without worry and hassles but it’s a hell of a lot better than having our folks stumbling around falling down houses on their own.
Very direct and honest story. “I did the best I could to keep him safe and cared for”.
I think that describes what most of us do. It’s hard to remember this when your elders are so unhappy.
My mom wants to go home where she would most likely end up dying on the bathroom or kitchen floor. Dad may or may not notice she had fallen.
I get a little stronger and more immune to the complaints each day.
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