Went no contact on 1/3 for last time when I finally had to turn my 92 yr. old NPD mother with rapidly progressing dementia over to APS. Sheeeeees back! APS met with her and myself and it is apparent she is not oriented to person place and time...Refer to my other posts about her not remembering me ordering and paying for her online groceries and not getting reimbursed. In fact, she is now claiming she never got them! After the Jan 3 meeting, when the Sw finally was able to witness what I have been trying to endure, I informed her and my mother I could no longer bear her verbal and emotional abuse after doing everything humanly possible trying to keep her acclimated and safe enough to remain in her IL apt. Despite her fighting EVERYTHING we have tried to do for her over the years. No to hearing aid, no to emergency pendant, no to caption phone, no to meds, no to agreeing to me setting up MyChart for her, no to debit card, no to meals that she pays dearly for in her rent, and the list goes on and on. Even though I am POA for health and finances, but not activated because she refuses to cooperate or believe her Dr or take the medication he has prescribed for her anxiety. Nothing is ever right and I guess I "lie to her about everything" and am "selfish“ because I got remarried and go on a vacation once a year with my husband or to visit my kids and grandkids. She doesn’t believe that online grocery orders do not accept checks, but firmly believes that debit cards will lead to thieves (me?) stealing all her money and belongings. She did not remember the SW who met with us on Jan 3, and didn’t remember that I was there, too. Even though she had 2 meetings with the Social Worker in the past several weeks. Tonight, she blew up our phone but didn’t leave message. I finally I broke down and answered because I was afraid, she had a true emergency. She was crying, and I thought she was hurt. Noooooooo. She said SW told her she will need to go into Assisted Living if she can’t get her groceries or allow me to get a debit card. I calmly told her yes, that’s right. Her full-on NPD erupted, and I hung up. Last thing APS SW told me was that they were going to arrange Neuro Psych and possible guardianship which I have refused to agree to be. 15 plus years of beating my head against a brick wall and riding in the caboose of this clown train is more than enough and has ruined my physical and mental health, and at 68, I choose my marriage and my health over this never-ending sh**t show. I collected myself, and tonight sent a very carefully worded email to the SW and APS Director., with examples of her dementia related confusion and NPD related behaviors and lack of cooperation. I stressed that I knew caseloads are too big but SW has been very patient with my mother, even affirming my need to step away, but wondering what next steps will be, my mother is no longer oriented to person, place or time and thus, is a vulnerable adult at risk who needs protective services, There is a crisis looming for her because I am out of the picture. The fires I have tried to put out for her have now become an inferno and yet she remains in total denial. It breaks my heart that her stubbornness and jealousy of me and what she calls my " perfect life" (far from it ..both hubby and I have been in ICU with ongoing significant health issues ) and her needing to control everyone except herself ..denying over and over again that she needs help with her memory loss at this point and her refusal of help. She has created this nightmare for herself. The dementia is new. The untreated mental NPD illness has destroyed our family as far back as I can remember. I have now blocked her on our phone. She can call 911 if she needs help. I wanted to have a written record of my concerns. Hence the email. If I don’t get a response, I will copy it and send it certified. County may be wanting me to file the guardianship petition? Advice and prayers needed
Pls read the PoA document. In most cases what is required is 1 or 2 diagnosis of incapacity (not whether your Mom "cooperates" or "believes" or takes her medication).
That being said, you must recognize that you can't rescue an uncooperative, untrusting person. The actual way she will get helped may be if you resign your PoA completely, end contact for a while and allow the county to become her guardian. The county guardian will make things happen (been there, done that with my SFIL). It literally cannot be worse than what's been going on to date. The county will get her into a facility and she'll receive the care and protection she needs. And you will have boundaries and can visit her if you wish.
You are not responsible for her happiness. You don't have to suffer her mistreatment. It's been proven that the current "rescue plan" is ineffective for both her and you. Time for a different solution.
Yes, mom is frail, disoriented and mad.
That doesn't mean that she is going to have a "change of heart" about EVERYTHING being your fault,.
Did you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple?
Please let APS do its job. If you persist in trying to win your mother's approval for changes like moving to AL, getting a debit card and getting groceries delivered, you will create the 7th circle of Hell for you both.
I remain an advocate for stepping graciously aside.
You are doing the right thing. Do not feel guilty
'Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm'.
You're doing exactly what you should. Your mother cannot live on her own anymore and the only way your POA will become active where you can have her forced into AL or even memory care, is there will have to be a crisis.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. Unfortunately, so many of our beloved elders have to learn the hard way.
You're 68 years old. Far too old to be dealing with this nonense. You're doing the right thing. No guilt and dont second guess yourself.