The specifics are with regard to my 88-year-old mother’s will. Her will was prepared by a lawyer several years ago and the process was facilitated by one of my siblings who at the time also had been granted power of attorney and executor of the will. Fast forward to 2022 with significant changes to my mother’s health including a diagnosis of stage 2 dementia. For years my role in the family has been to help with medical, end-of-life care and burial arrangements. Since 2022, my involvement has accelerated drastically and includes managing all aspects of my mother’s healthcare including 13 medical providers, 4 insurance carriers, at home help by others and at home day and overnight care by myself (shared care with a sibling and another relative). Due to the springtime changes in my mother’s health and my need to act for her at times, I was granted power of attorney for my mother’s affairs and share this with one of my other siblings. As a designated person with POA, would it be appropriate for me to have a copy of the will? The sibling who helped facilitate the writing of the will several years ago and shares the POA with me, stated that the lawyer noted that this is for my mother’s eyes only. Yet my sibling has a copy of the will and my mother did not (that has since been remedied with a copy provided to her by my sibling; I do not have a copy nor have I seen the will). I’ve suggested as did my mother’s memory therapist, that a copy of the will be placed in a notebook, along with other end-of-life papers so that she can refer to it as desired. Keep in mind, my mother’s short term memory and executive functioning capabilities are impaired so that a great deal of time is spent repeating what has been taken care of regarding her will and final arrangements; I’m asked often about the details. The notebook would provide her with a tangible object that she could refer to on her own. Currently I can’t offer any information regarding the will. In addition, I’m uncomfortable with the situation regarding the will and am looking for some input so that I can view this situation without prejudice. What is the practice with wills regarding who has access, etc.?
I'm glad I did b/c she had put in there a handwritten 'note' that I owed her estate $1500 and my YB (who cared for her in his home for the last 23 years) was billed $6000. I didn't and don't know what that was for.
Called my son (the atty) and asked him about it. He called it a posthumous FU and to destroy it, as it was not legal and was really just a mean thing to do to my YB, who did nothing but care for mom.
Mom passed on Sunday, I spoke to OB who had removed that 'document' from the files.
We're inheriting so little, YB would have actually lost money had this codicil been legal.
If someone unscrupulous was POA and "helped" Mom do her will they may be the executor and the main beneficiary. If you are currently caring for Mom you should be certain you get all the financial remuneration you can, and you need to understand it may be all you will EVER get, as it is too late for your Mom to change anything. The care you give now comes of the love you bear her.
Helping your mother in any ways you are able and willing to do should not be dependent on "what you are going to get" when she dies.
If she tells you no, you should probably consider that you are getting the short end of the stick and do whatever you need to do.
Personally, I just don't understand parents that don't pay their kids top dollar for their time. I'm not talking about favors, I'm talking about actual care that without it the person would be in a facility or paying strangers for. This is how you show them that you appreciate their sacrifices to prop you up.
Inheritance is a gift and caregiving is a paid profession, never should the twain be combined.
We never showed our kids our will, never will. The surviving daughter will find out when we are gone what is what.
i understand what you mean. and maybe you’re right.
my opinion is different, but i’m totally willing to accept that maybe i have the wrong approach. —
i think such topics (inheritance, etc., what’s fair) are difficult, no easy answers, in some cases.
i believe:
depending on how long the adult child helped - and how difficult it was (your time stolen? extreme stress piled on you? abuse? the situation of helping is financially destroying you?) (in other words, 3 factors: time, psychological stress, financial impact) - and depending on how extremely unfair the situation is (are other siblings doing literally nothing? are siblings not only doing nothing, but making things harder for the already stressed helping-child?)…
all these factors…
therefore, in some cases, i believe:
the helping child should receive ALL - both now and later (inheritance) (after death).
Now...you may WANT TO KNOW, of course. There is no legal reason for someone to hide what's in their will or not tell people what's in it, but it's also a private document that they can withhold if they want. If you do ask your mom to see it, now that she has a copy, I'd still let your brother know about it before you look at it. I just don't want you to get into a situation where you ask your mom to see it, your mom says yes, and your brother makes a stink because he thinks your mom isn't competent to consent to that and that you've done something wrong by looking. Clear communication can head things off at the pass. (from what you've said, perhaps a "Mom's memory therapist and Mom both think it's good for her to have a copy in a notebook she can refer to. So I'm going to print out the will and collate it in that notebook." statement. I mean...assumed in there is that in printing it out that you'll see it....)
They do however want you to continue to do the caregiving and if you saw it you most likely wouldn’t any more
That is my perspective since it is what happened to me.
It may be that your sibling is not a good actor, and your Mom's Will favors them. However, there is nothing you can do at this point to change the situation given your mom is unlikely to be competent enough to write a codicil.
Consider the work you do as a caregiver to be separate and apart from any inheritance.
I have read on the forum before, that a family caregiver should not be taking care of their parent without the power to do that, such as a POA. Those tool are needed by a family caregiver, doing what you are doing.
But you feel the need to see the will?
I think if you are making end of life care, funeral arrangements, and having been designated to do that, you will be needing to know facts about finances, you might need to see the will.
Hopefully, you and the executor of the will (after Mother's death) are in agreement and working closely together on this and the finances, and, you trust sibling?
Not a legal opinion.
1) " As a designated person with POA, would it be appropriate for me to have a copy of the will?"
2) "In the event she were to misplace the notebook, we have electronic copies of her plans (although not the will)."
So, am I misunderstanding that you have seen the will electronically, but need the will?
3) "Yet my sibling has a copy of the will and my mother did not (that has since been remedied with a copy provided to her by my sibling; I do not have a copy nor have I seen the will)."
If your Mom is asking about her will, send her attorney or agent to answer her questions concerning her will, estate and financials. Maybe with an attorney present, your Mom could allow you as one of the POA's to have a copy of the will.
4) "at home day and overnight care by myself (shared care with a sibling and another relative".
If Mom, with dementia, has been given a copy of her will, where did she put it?
You are there with her, caregiving her, and she has a copy of her will.
"I’m uncomfortable with the situation regarding the will and am looking for some input so that I can view this situation without prejudice."
You are right to be uncomfortable. My experience has been that too many POA's, too many siblings and step-siblings keeping the secrets allowed my loved one to be exploited and scammed by same. I did not need to see his will, but someone other than the scammers should have seen it and intervened early on in his situation. There were too many red flags early on. I don't think you can view your own situation "without prejudice".
Since your mother has a copy just ask to put it in a notebook or whatever so you can see it and show it to her when she asks. Simple as that.
Based on the other POAs attitude I can only guess mom screwed you over in said will thats why they didnt want to let you see it.
That said, my husband and I were told when we made our wills to keep them somewhere safe but accessible; not in, say, a bank vault where the people who might need to get to them might not have access to if my husband and I were to both die together. So having the will at hand, with your mother's age and health, is not necessarily a bad idea.
I also think (but am not sure) that a *copy* of the will does no one any good when it comes to filing it in probate court; it needs to be the original, with the staples still attached (I think so no pages could have been added/removed) in order for it to be valid. Do you/other sibling know where the original document is? Is it with mom's lawyer?
But also bear in mind that if your mom's short-term memory is not good, even having the will right at hand might not stop her continual questioning about what the will says. It's also probably not a great idea to let her have access to the original document where she might put it somewhere for "safekeeping" that she won't remember and then you won't be able to find it once she's gone.
Moms Will is private even to a POA. I just happened to be with Mom when she made hers out.
Your idea is a good one but not so Mom can look at it when she wants. Early in my Moms Dementia I asked her to put all her important papers into a folder. This would be my POA, her Will, insurance policies, ect. I put it in her hutch for safe keeping. When I finally needed the info it was not there. When I asked her where it was, she had put it behind her living room door thinking it would be easier to get to but...did not tell me. So, I would not leave important papers in the hand of a person who suffers from Dementia.
Thank you for you insight regarding the will. I can understand why you would not recommend leaving such documents in the hands of a person with dementia considering the experience you had. I’m sure it was alarming when you could not find the documents for your loved one. Currently my mom is in stage 2 (mild) of the disease and maintaining. Her memory therapist has coached us to encourage as much independence as possible while balancing safety concerns. She’s recommended a notebook be put together within easy access for my mother so she can review pressing issues for her such as her will and end of life plans. In the event she were to misplace the notebook, we have electronic copies of her plans (although not the will). The problem I face as a caretaker is my mother’s behavior of wanting to review and discuss her will and final plans. She becomes agitated and obsesses over these topics if we can’t show her that arrangements have been taken care of. In addition, she feels it’s a violation of her independence that she does not have access to her own will. Certainly valid concerns. Thus my question regarding access to the will. Regarding your statement about not sharing the will and “letting them be mad at you after you die” is certainly one approach to the end of one’s life and the impact it will leave on survivors. Another perspective is that the intent of knowing the contents of the will is not so one could influence the changing of the will, but rather so there could be transparency and discussion with loved ones as to one’s last wishes. Any disappointment one feels could then be discussed allowing for understanding. Waiting till after the death leaves no opportunity for that discussion along with hurt feelings that may never be resolved. Something to consider as part of dying well.
If you feel that as POA you should have a copy of Mom's will I would use your POA now to attend an hour of time with an Elder Law Attorney in your State and ask about this. Take his or her advice. My best wishes go out to you.