My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

How about you and your sister get paid for the jobs that you are doing?

You need to work out a caregivers contract which should be vetted by a lawyer. It should lay out your duties and the rate you are paid.

I understand how you feel. I do everything for mom and my brothers do nothing. My mom feels the same way about equal sharing but I feel like her money should be allocated for her care. She doesn’t pay us either.

I don’t know if I could have been getting paid all this time, I don’t know anything about inquiring if I can be paid. Sure would be nice. I gave up an income to care for her. 14 years and counting. She lives in our home.

My mom does pay for her meds, drugstore items, poise pads, hand lotion, tissue, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, her personal stuff.
Best of luck to you and your sister.

I know from experience how absolutely frustrating it can be to have siblings that don’t help.

My brother also lived close to my parents as well, and yet saw them only rarely. This broke their hearts.

I understand how alone and angered you feel at your brother’s unwillingness to put in any effort to see your mother when he lives so close.

Nonetheless, you must accept your mom’s wishes regarding the distribution of her estate. This choice is very personal and the decision is hers alone. This is not something that you should even discuss with her. Every person of sound mind has the right to make their own will. This will should never be influenced.

Someday you will have peace of mind because you were there for your mom. The greatest gift that I got from my parents was their time. I hope you feel the same.

So what can you do? Allocate the largest portion of your estate to your most loyal caregivers. Since you feel strongly about this issue, make sure that this doesn’t repeat with the next generation.

I don't think you sound greedy at all. We all have sibs who don't do anything. But unfortunately it really is up to your mom how and who get her things. And unfortunately parents don't plan for their care nor does anyone ever talk about who will be doing the caregiving. Think about...families talk more about who get what and what we should do when they (parents) die vs who is going to take care of mom or dad if something (alz/dementia) should happen. Then it falls mostly on one adult child. Sigh!

Does your brother know you and your sister need help? Have you come out and said, "hello, we need help with mom, even if it is a few hrs a week?!"

The truth is and I am going to lose popularity votes on this...but, your brother really doesn't owe your mom anything nor your sister or you. He has a right to live his life as we all do! Does it suck that sibs don't help? H3ll yes!!!

But the bottom line is he doesn't have to help to be part of the family nor to inherit anything. If your mom feels that everything should be divided than that is how it should be.

I know it doesn't seem fair, but here is something that I learned after my dad died in 2014. Parents know things that us kids can't possibly know. Parents know who kid can handle what! They know what each kid went through growing up! They know each kid's personality even if, they don't really like the personality! Most importantly it really is up to the parents. (I am talking about good parents.)

You have the right to feel anyway you want, but I am with Barb you and your sister should be paid now! Ask brother for help and if he choose not to than he made his choice and he has to live with that!



Just my 2 cents!

I agree with Barb that you and your sister need to look into getting paid as caregivers.  See AARP webpage:

https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html

Google “Medicaid paying for family caregivers” and “how to get paid as family caregiver”

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/home-care.html

"Medicaid Payments to Family Members to Provide Home Care"

In most states, it is possible for family members to be paid by Medicaid for providing personal care to their loved ones. In brief, this process works as follows.

1) An individual applies for Medicaid
2) Once approved, they then sign-up for a specific Medicaid program that pays for home care and allows for "Consumer Direction". Consumer Direction means the beneficiary can select their care providers rather than have Medicaid choose providers on their behalf. 
3) The beneficiary then hires their family member as a personal caregiver. 
4) The family member / caregiver submits timesheets to and is paid by Medicaid or indirectly by a legally responsible 3rd party service.

Interested parties should be aware that in all but twelve states Medicaid prohibits legal guardians and spouses from being paid. Notably, Medicaid does not prohibit the adult children or ironically, ex-spouses for being hired and compensated, thereby resulting in some “Medicaid divorces”.

This is a difficult issue with many aspects. The ‘plus’ for leaving things equally is that parent loves the children equally, has done so for a lifetime, not just the last few years of caregiving, and has the right to leave their money how they wish. The ‘minus’ is that for the daughters, ‘love’ is the reason for providing care, and a brother who doesn’t provide care doesn’t match up to ‘love’. So should the will reflect the mother’s love for each child, or the child’s love for the mother – and does the love have to be practical?

The ‘wild card’ is that no matter how the will is worded, it can be changed by the parent because they fall out with a child in the last months of life. Or the will can stay as written but there can be no money left because the parent is scammed by a gold digger, or care costs have taken all the funds, or the parent develops a gambling problem, or etc etc etc.

Logically, by far the best option is to have a contract where parent pays the child for care giving, at the time it is happening. The will won’t need to be changed, because it leaves equally whatever is left in the estate. Once in place, it avoids a lot of problems, like siblings not wanting parent to go into a facility or get care in the home because it will reduce their inheritance. It allows a sensible choice between child providing the care and hiring outside caregivers - not 'free' versus 'expensive'. It also works as spend down for Medicare eligibility.

Children may need to take into account that the parent may need some financial support in the future if their own funds go down to nothing, and there is the problem of getting the contract in place between parent and caregiver child. Both parent and child may prefer to think that the care is for love, not money. All of us know that the care comes with love, even if payment is made, so the contract arrangement needs to be presented as ‘normal’ and ‘the right way to do things’. Using the forms on this site may help to deal with the first discussions, because quite clearly they present a 'normal' arrangement.

This is all you need to know:

" my mom insists that we should all inherit equally"

That's shot the fox, as we say. End of discussion.

If your sister is not able to continue to provide care, and you resent providing care as long as your brother won't do his fair share, then the obvious solution is to use your mother's resources to pay for care either at home - if she's incredibly rich - or in a facility.

Or... would you feel better about it if your mother agreed to pay you for your time now?

OK. I am going to go against the grain here and say, yes I think you are greedy
i think you see the end is near and you are looking for ways to take all, if not some of what would be your brothers inheritance
in Australia we have something called a carers payment which is income and asset tested. Only one person would be entitled to it. That would most likely be your sister
if your mother has left a will the law will most likely uphold that will. If your brother took you to court you would waste more on lawyers than you would hope to gain
if your mother does not have a will and she is competent she should do one or it could all end badly
wills don’t care about how good or bad you think your brother has been and neither does the law

I completely disagree that this has anything to do with "greed." It is about perceptions of unfairness among siblings, which is a thorny issue as old as the hills. I expect Salutem would be perfectly happy if nobody was to get a bean, just as long as her mother acknowledged that she and her sister were excellent children while her brother was less satisfactory and should be made to feel ashamed of himself.

Not going to happen. For which I can offer only a shoulder rub of sympathy.

I'm in the same boat with my 92 year old dad. I have 3 other siblings, one even lives here in town, but they don't help. When it was time for someone to be guardian, no one stepped up to the plate and because I had been more involved with dad than anyone else, I was the lucky one. Now my life is fully immersed in his life (I walked away for 30 years when he was married to his second wife - I've been back for 4). It has taken a toll on my marriage. They are merely waiting in line for their portion of the inheritance.

if Your mom says everyone should inherit equally that’s her decision not yours.

"I would not accept payment because I do it from my heart. I just feel that it should be acknowledged that some have made great sacrifices, while my brother has been completely selfish. Even if my mom would just tell him that it isn't fair to make us shoulder all the burden, while he does nothing. He's always been spoiled and has always done exactly as he pleases."

If you can convince him that he should give you his inheritance, then all would be well, yes?

There is a big difference between inheritance (which tends to be based on equality of relationship, i.e., all children inherit equally) and remuneration, which is based lost wages, opportunity cost of investments and the like.

When my mom needed care, it was clear that none of us could provide hands on care for her. We all had jobs, mortgages, kids in school and obligations that out-weighed parental care.

It helps if you have a clear idea of what that hierarchy is:
Minor children
One's own health, mental, physical and financial, in no particular order. (You're no good to anyone if you're not healthy)

Your brother is looking out for himself, his children, his spouse?

You call that selfish. He calls that self-preservation.

Perhaps mom's care should be paid for by her assets or her entitlements. Or by Medicaid. If you choose to step in to take over, that's NOT brother's issue.
Spouse.
Adult children
Elderly parents.

As you can see, elderly parents place last in this hierarchy. That's because THEY are adults and were supposed to plan for their old age. There are entitlements for elders if they are destitute; not so much for those of us of middle age.

The person who needs to be told that it isn’t fair for you & your sister to shoulder all the burden is YOUR MOTHER. Not your brother. A parent has no right to burden to their children. If you are burdened by taking care of your mother then she needs to lessen that burden, don’t you think? Hire home care? Move to assisted living?

When one or more siblings chooses to take on the role of caregiver, it does not obligate everyone else to help. And those who chose not to help are neither self nor bad people.

This is your mothers decision.
My opinion is that no one should EXPECT to be left an inheritance. If it happens great.
My feeling is the money that has been saved by your parents should be used for their care. This is what it was saved for.."we will save for our old age"..is usually how a conversation starts when a couple starts saving.
People now also have the option to purchase long term care insurance..if you can afford it. But in the past you saved for what was necessary when you were no longer working.
The money that your Mom has saved use it for caregivers.
Use it to get a better mattress for her bed so she is less likely to get pressure sores
Use it for what ever she needs to make her comfortable.
Prepay for her funeral and enough to have a nice luncheon after
If there is any left be grateful for what there is...it is more than you have right now.
Your Mom does not see that one child is doing more than another all she sees is you are ALL her children and she loves you equally.

The fact that your mother expects her children to support her delusion of independence does not equate with you and your sister stepping up to enable that delusion.

Makes me wonder what can be done to prevent these issues in our families. Very common. What can parents do? What can children do? What education is done about this and other family topics concerning seniors by organizations? I guess what I am saying is what is the best way or source to educate ourselves on senior matters?

I get confused at times as to which direction to take.

Does anyone actually read these posts or do they just project and respond to whatever they feel like responding to? The post asked a specific question, that's all.

If mom can afford to pay you and sister for her care that would be best. That way you guys are getting more inheritance than your absentee brother, just under a different classification.

Inheritance is a gift and it gets convoluted when some siblings are helping and others don't even acknowledge the parents existence, it creates bitterness that I believe would be minimized by getting paid for the care provided. If nothing else it leaves less for the absentee ones.

Have you and sister ever said hey dear brother, we need to have you step up and help mom by doing....? It is okay to ask for help even though they don't offer.

Salutem,

Nothing wrong with asking for help. I think most of us have but we stop asking siblings when they don’t help very much. Have you asked your mother recently to help out financially? She may decide that she will help out some?

My SIL said to my friend that she didn’t understand why those who needed help didn’t ask for it. My friend is also a caregiver (to her MIL) and told her that we have asked and have always been refused. They have a million excuses. Plus she told her something I thought was a great answer. She said to my SIL that people don’t want to have to ask because it would be nice if they offered and not have to ask. It would be nice if your brother offered to help but people who don’t want to help aren’t going to offer. It’s sad.

So sorry that you are doing this alone. A lot of us are. My mom has said the same about dividing equally before too. Know how you feel. Have you explained any of your feelings recently to your mom? Maybe she has changed her mind. My mom has shifted her ideas somewhat on certain issues.

Many people on this site have crappy siblings.

Dear Salutem,

I am with you and feel like if you are doing all the work then yes, I think you should get it all. But I know that is not how families work.

Since your mom said everything should be equal.  I know you don't want to abandon your mom but the resentment and anger is real.  Are you able to have a lawyer to talk her? Or arrange for alternate caregiving arrangements for her?

And even if your mom gave you everything, please know that won't be the end of your feelings of resentment. Because you have given a lot of time and made a lot of sacrifices to help her.  The caregiving could still go on till she is a 100. How will you feel then?

Salutem,

You said your sister previously did most of the caregiving? How long has she done it before you? How long have you been caring for your mom?

Have you discussed with your sister if you and she would divide funds equally since she has done most of the caregiving?

How is your sister doing now? Will she be able to help out more again later if her health improves? Do you feel you are getting burned out?

Burnout happens to the best of us no matter how much we love our parents. Just ask anyone here who has posted. We have all been exhausted at one time or another or still are exhausted.

salutem - here are some of your own words in quotes:

"My sister and I care for my 91 year old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?"
"I would not accept payment because I do it from my heart. I just feel that it should be acknowledged that some have made great sacrifices, while my brother has been completely selfish."
"All that I do for her including protecting her from isolation and feelings of abandonment I do without reservation."

You don't want to accept money from your mother, and you help her without reservation from your heart, yet you want your mother to give more money to acknowledge your help.

I think you need to get it straight in your head and heart what you really want.

If you just want to be acknowledged for your help, will a thank-you suffice? If you want to be paid for your help, then ask for it. Be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with getting paid for your time. Your mother would have to pay someone to help if you weren't there to do it.

As for the inheritance, your mother obviously loves all her 3 children equally without condition, that's why she wants to give equally to each of you. She doesn't put a condition on your brother to help in order to get his share. She just gives from the heart.

So, to answer your original question, yes, your brother should inherit equally because that's how your mother wants it. That doesn't mean she shouldn't pay you for your work. But then you say you don't want to accept her money.

Uh... so what is it that you want?

I think I know. You want to get paid without having to ask. Well, that's not going to happen the way it's going. So, you're resenting it. If you want it changed, you need to make it happen. Like I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with getting paid for your WORK.

Just a few more thoughts before I have to go to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Like your sister, I am dealing with a few health issues right now. I am finally addressing my health concerns thanks to the good people on this forum who have encouraged me to take care of myself. If I don’t care for myself I can’t care for mom. I am glad that your sister is doing the same and you are so very kind to help out more.

I was wondering though, why is your mom resisting outside help? My mom was very dependent on me like yours is on you and your sister. You are wonderful daughters to care so much. I understand. I love my mom dearly too. Try to explain to her that others can do the same things that you and your sister do. She will adjust to it. My mom did and she is set in her ways, she’s 93!

My mom resisted outside help at first but now she is glad that I get a short break a for a few hours a month which I get as respite care through Council on Aging. They will do an assessment for your mom like they did with my mom who has Parkinson’s disease and if she qualifies like my mom did you can get a break for a few hours.

Also I have received caring advice from all who have posted suggestions to you. They have a lot of experience and I am grateful to everyone for their help. We all care.

No one is trying to tell you how to feel. You are entitled to feel however you do. It’s only suggestions from our own experiences but you have to do what you feel is best for you and we respect that.

It's your mom's money to do with as she pleases.

It's your time and labor, to do with as you please.

OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough.

The best solution would be to get outside help for the hard stuff and pay that out of your mother's funds. Otherwise you are going to suffer burnout and resentment that your brother does nothing and still gets the same as you. I agree that he "deserves little or nothing" but that is unlikely to be what happens.

I know a family that had 2 sons and 2 daughters. The daughters took care of the elderly mother for years, doing EVERYTHING. The sons did NOTHING to help. The mother owned 2 farms and substantial land. Finally she passed. Her will left $10K to each daughter and A FARM went to each son! The mother actually believed this would work out nicely.

First of all, thank you! For caring so much and helping your mom! It’s a shame your brother is behaving selfish and ingnorantly. My brother isn’t much better. I did much more, and he got all the attn and credit. You are not wrong to feel you deserve more, or that you’re angry. You should be. I don’t have children. Your mom is the one who makes the decision so just take what she will leave to you. My mother behaved the same way. Enjoy the time you have left with mom. And forgive her because she’s elderly. She knows what’s going on but maybe not wanting to deal with it. So let it go. People rarely change. You’ll be fine. Stay strong!

Does your mother love your brother? Does your mother ask for him and does she realize you are doing all the caregiving and he isn't doing anything? If the answer is YES, then your mom still made the decision to split inheritance equally. You are making the choice to care for your mom out of love - no amount of money will ever be worth more than the peace of mind you will have one day that you were a wonderful daughter. Your brother - might not have that peace of mind . If your mom qualifies for Medicaid Community ie inhome help - there is a program called CDAP that actually pays family members to care for loved ones.....I would also try to talk to your brother and see what he thinks about how you are feeling....In the end, I think you really want to care for your mom and even if he stepped in - you would still want to be involved. I made this decision 6 yrs ago ie I lost my fulltime corporate job and decided to care for my parents ….I told my brother I would do it until I couldn't and that he should just worry about working ie he has a really good job and I didn't want him to lose it......and so, ive been doing this now for 6 yrs at no additional salary and no change in inheritance...….my father died last summer and my brother got sick at the same time - I was shuttling between 2 hospitals...my brother got better and now im caring for my declining mom......its a big hit to salary ie I work PT....but its my choice and I don't resent my brother since It was my decision...…..I hope you can find some peace in your own decision ….your mom is blessed to have you!

Asking an innocuous sounding question without doing any research on this site if it's been asked before (which we all know it has been and many times at that), and then getting defensive and angry when someone answers bluntly. Trolls want to start fights. That is troll behavior.

When my mom made her will in front of my brother, me, and the lawyer, she wanted me to have her house and my brother to have her money. I objected because I thought the money might go to her care eventually and in that case my brother would not have an inheritance and I would. Not fair. As it turns out, there will most likely not be a house either, but whatever is left it should go to both of us equally, even though my brother has not done any of the care giving and has visited her only once in the last year. He lives an hour away and is retired. I still work. It just doesn't matter what he does or what I do for our mom. Equal. No judgement. Who can know the reasons that people do or don't do what is "expected"?