My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
My parents both feel my brother should inherit more than me. Their reasons are; he is male, he needs the help, and I have a husband to support me.
He needs the help because he is a drug addict and is verging on homelessness. But even prior to his downfall, he and his wife lived a life well outside his means - travel, dining, shopping, etc., they never managed to save a penny.
On the other hand my husband and I have been very careful with our money and are fortunate to own our home. My parents live with us rent free and I am their caregiver. My brother does nothing.
But they still insist he should inherit the bulk of their sizable estate.
I'm angry and resentful, but also resigned. I try to focus on the good stuff in my life. I really understand how frustrated and hurt you feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't sound like a greedy b, you sound like a daughter who feels neglected and hurt. I'm sorry. {{{hugs}}}
compensated! No more unpaid “women’s work”!
-- this has probably been her intent all of her life, to divide things with all of her kids.
Your sister shouldered the responsibility for a long time by herself and now you are helping. Had sister's health not become an issue, your participation would probably not have started yet.
Caregiving on a daily basis usually begins with who is closest, does not have a full time job or small children at home or who can or is willing to relocate. It also begins with the one person who cannot live with putting mom in a facility the moment she has some issues. Unfair?? Yes, but that's how it starts. And it will stay that way until the caregiver can no longer put one foot in front of the other any longer. The others MAY step in, but many would go ahead with the process of putting her in a home with only a fleeting thought of 'I don't know how so-n-so did it as long as she did. 99.9% of the time the caregiving role is done from the heart and not for the dollar.
Don't ask your mom about the money or estate again. Do what you do because you love her (like your sister did) or walk away so that everyone understands you may have had a motive. Expressing it does make you sound like a greedy little B just as you thought it might sound.
My mom loves all of her children and she wants each to split whatever she has left. I do 100% of the caregiving, because my heart will not allow me to put her in a facility while there is enough strength in my body to let her stay at home. I get very little help. My significant other has had to live alone in our house for the past 3-4 years because my mother at 95 is a little selfish about staying in her own home until she can't. I'm trying. If I was paid a wage, I'm sure she'd owe me much more than anything she'll have at the end. Would I do ONE thing to avoid honoring my mother's decision to share equally with all siblings? Absolutely not. She was always strong on family ties, even when there was troubles between members. My siblings may decide not to talk to me in the future, but it will NOT be because I tried to deny them a share of what my mom leaves.
There's more to life than a dollar bill.
Inheritance, as set forth in a Will, is a legal transfer of wealth. If there is no Will, the State will decide -- and most likely will be divided equally between heirs.
However, LABOR SHOULD BE COMPENSATED under any circumstance.
Thank you so much for your interest in my thread.
"well this is what I think, though I've endured many harsh lectures claiming that it is her right to bequeath as she sees fit. I realize all of that, but it just doesn't seem right to me."
Right; and that's why you and sis should be getting PAID for what your are doing right now.
If you are squeamish about getting fair pay for what you are doing, then you will just have to learn to sit with your bad feelings. Only you and your sis can change this inequity.
Till the day she died, my mom resented the fact that her brothers were both ne'er do wells who were adored by their mom; mom and her sister worked their tails off and sacrificed a great deal to keep their mom comfortable. There was terrible , TERRIBLE angst over this which I watched growing up.
Not going there. Brother (much better off financially than the rest of us) was given POA and did all the heavy lifting. Any resenting that happened got done by him. I believe my mom knew that I wasn't going to be the patsy that she was.
Inheritance is a birthright. Labor should be compensated.
There is no right or wrong. If you don't agree with your Mom's will then talk to an attorney. It's that simple. In the meantime be kind to yourself and please take care of you the best you can.
Jenna
logical posts I have read. People take notice!!!
if you have receipts and your delightful uncle refuses to release money from the trust can you bill the trust. Can you and your sister be back paid from the trust. And yes your brother is a jerk
can you place your mother in assisted living and bill the trust
Well it’s a very sad situation some of us are in. I too care for my partially deaf mom who also has Dementia, all by myself. I have three brothers who never even bother to call let alone help out. Initially I would go to Mums house and help out from morning till bedtime, once she was in bed I would head back home, and when her Dementia got worse She moved in with me and my husband. So for the last five yrs she has been living with us. My sister visits sometimes and calls everyday. But solely and wholly Mum has been my responsibility from her heart procedures to flu shots. And let’s spare our parents the dignity as we all fully know what all they need help with.......
Now I resent my brothers for not being there physically, emotionally, morally or financially for neither me or mom. They have never stepped up to anything. What I feel for them is just another story for another day...
but having given you the background of how they have abandoned Mom, I not for a single minute thought of cutting them out of their inheritance. And not because I am this saint, oh no , but once a wise man said to me,
Don’t try to play God.
And suddenly the storm inside me calmed down. I believe in fate , what is mine I will get what is not mine , will never be. I believe that I would be rewarded for my unconditional love for Mom, by God. My brothers would be tested for their negligence and uncaring attitude towards the woman who sacrificed every minute of her youth for them.
You and your sister are Amazing Women , you both have already passed the test .
No explanation needed. All the best to you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion just as you are to yours.
You made it it perfectly clear how you felt. Not everyone will agree. Leave it at that.
Kbuser below said," The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair." You're right, if it had been sold to pay for assisted care living.
Good start -- a trust. Attorneys come in handy for many questions as time goes by. Call the estate planning attorney now.
Beware of the county in which you live. If it is suspected that you don't have a good plan for an elderly parent, you can be taken to court for a conservatorship. No fun. I promise. Talk to an attorney now.
good suggestion. practical and nonjudgmental. refreshing actually. I'd never post on this site again. people love to spew out all of their judgment and vent their frustration on here. I only read the helpful responses now. As soon as I get a whiff of condescending judgment, I just stop reading.