My sister's comment to me about my dad who passed away on hospice is so hurtful. Any advice?

I feel for you and had a somewhat equivalent experience when my dear mother dropped dead unexpectedly, and my dad with advanced Parkinsons's started believing I was his hated, trouble-making sister and was out to get him and his money. I had just been named his guardian by the Courts. I was only 26 and loved my dad, and it was extremely hurtful for long, long afterwards. I forgave him, of course, because he wasn't in his right mind and because we are commanded to forgive others, but it was still very hard. All I can say is, your sister needs your forgiveness, impossible as that seems, and eventually, she may come around and reconcile with you. It happened in our family (an older brother was estranged for many years after dad died, but eventually he decided to work on himself in therapy, and before he passed on, he and I did straighten things out.) God bless you and keep you in HIs care.

It's the "What If's"....my mother was the same way...as I encouraged her to send him to hospice, as well as the hospice nurse who said he would be better off there and out of pain, instead of home...but my mother kept saying "We should have let him stay home, we shouldn't have brought him there to die." but the truth is, he was in misery, and like your father....there is no need for Misery, she should understand that...what if SHE was in the same position that he was in? Yet she is hoping the same thing for you?! Perhaps she should ask that question of herself, and what it's like to have an extremely painful intestinal blockage, when you can't possibly survive surgery....I think she is going through the "Anger and denial stage"....try not to take what she said to heart....she's not thinking correctly. Also remind her that "She too" was part of that conference call who agreed?.....

Some people have an extremely difficult time accepting to let a person die when there is no hope. As an uninvolved sister, according to your bio, she doesn’t truly understand all that your dad has been through or what you’ve had to deal with in making decisions about his care. There comes a time when on hospice that a person is allowed to let death take its natural course. She is having difficulty not being the one there, not being the one making decisions etc. and probably also has difficulty understanding and feeling comfortable with death itself.
Youve had great advice here. Her thoughts are her thoughts and her personal demons to work out. You are merely a convenient target. Send her prayers of peace and love and forgive her for her action and move on. You know deep down you did what was right. You can always write her a letter (not a text for God’s sake) and explain your side and tell her she may speak with the hospice nurse. And that you are there for her if she wants to talk.

My condolences on your loss.
Try to make your sister understand that hospitals do not like patients dying on the operating table. This adds to their mortality statistics.
Administering any general anaesthesia to any patient in late 80s or older who is not fully fit is usually a no hoper. Such patients usually do not wake up.

My own friend aged 88 in second stage Alzheimer's dementia had a cerebral hemorrhage last March but there was no question of a surgical operation. Palliative care was the immediate consensus decision. She died 5 days later, peacefully and without pain.

If by some miracle, your father with dementia had survived a bowel operation, he would not have understood the post op pain. He would have needed 24/7 supervision to prevent his pulling out tubes and drips.
If a doctor did not explain this situation to your sister, or if she did not accept any such explanation, then just avoid contact with your sister for the next 6 - 12 months. It takes 2 to make an argument, and you don't need the hassle.

She's probably hurt like you and needed someone to vent her hurt to. I'm sorry for your loss

Your hurt is understandable, and I believe you have posted on comments made to you by your sister before. I don't think she is unstable but I do think she has her own grief and guilt to deal with, anger is a stage of grief, unfortunately taking it out on you is because she can, you are still there. Try to put her behaviour down to the loss of your father, do not allow it to hurt you - how you manage this I don't know - but do not feel bad because of her problems. You did everything right for your father, keep that to the fore. Sister may come to a sensible behaviour at some time in the future, if not then you will have to manage the relationship in a way that is not hurtful or harmful to you. For now try and forgive her failings and certainly believe you have done everything you can to make your father's last illness as bearable and supported as possible- you have done a fantastic loving thing for him, you have been brilliant in your love and care, believe in yourself.

It’s hard, people react in anger when they haven’t accepted the outcome. My mom blames my daughter and I for taking my stepfather to the hospital, claiming he wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t gone( his bladder was no longer working, was grossly distended and infected , he was unable to walk ,92 with moderate to severe dementia but to her he had “ a little problem with his memory “. ) Hopefully she’ll get better over time but long and short, you can’t control what others think or do. You did the realistic, reasonable and best thing for him.

She's in grief mode, we say and do things we regret when we are hurting. You did do the right thing, you followed the doctor's advice, you did all you could do and you made sure with hospice care he was comfortable. Don't let this escalate by responding back in a harsh way, but be at peace that you did all you could do. You kept everyone informed on what was the plan, (via the conference call) furthermore there is legal documents to back up the end of life plan too that she can read over.

Yet, even with the transparency, grief, guilt, unspoken regrets all come to the surface when a loved one dies. As the person who was there with your dad through this period, you saw what he went through, you know the truth, and if you feel like you did all you could do, then claim that and be at peace.

Forgive her words spoken in pain, and you move on with this new chapter and working through your own stuff. As others have said, if it continues, if she continues to lash out at you, then put up a healthy barrier such as blocking her number, removing her from your social media, or even better yet remove yourself from social media or create a new account and be selective on who you allow to view it.

This is also a new journey for yourself, and self-care is super important too. Surround yourself with positive friends, with people who can offer you new perspectives in real life, start a class, focus on your career, immediate family, and take advantage of this time you have. Also make your own plans, make your own end of life care plan if you haven't done so. This may give you a sense of empowerment and control which will enable you to handle negativity from the rest of the family (if/when it comes your way) when your sister can't "get to you".

We can compare notes on dirty text, getting cursed out face-to-face, etc. Your sister may or may not forgive you. If she does not, she'll have to answer. Try to keep your heart, soul, and mind intact. It is hard, I know. Believe me I know. I’ve cut communication with most of my siblings (as much as possible) and some other family members behind care of mom and dad. But I can’t get away from the sister living at home with parents.

I would take Countrymouse advice or at the first sign of a disrespectful phone call, disconnect. First line of text disrespectful, delete.

Hugs to you Katiekay

Ah yes, another case of the distant daughter displacing guilt on the one who was there and did all the sh++ work. And spoken when the grief was fresh. Hopefully she will come to see the error of her ways and apologize. Perhaps suggest that you can give permission if needed, to allow her to talk to the hospice and/or medical people involved to explain the course taken was truly the most compassionate and comfortable.

Hopefully you will get support from your other siblings.

If it is of any comfort...I am guilty of a similar mistake. It pains me to this day, though amends have been made. My uncle had a heart attack in another state. His sister (my mother), brother in law (my dad) and I drove in. My uncle had been very close to my 3 cousins, one of whom was still living closer than we were, as they were growing up. He was in ICU and I was the one who stayed by his side. He ultimately passed away. I was unaware of other issues that kept my cousin from coming and said some things I regretted.

I hope your sibling sees the light before years elapse and my condolences on your loss. It's such a rough time for everyone.

My late husband's family (sister, two sons by first wife) were furious when I made decision to not put gastric feeding tube in my husband, to whom I had been married for 32 years, after a stroke that left him unable to walk or even read and watch TV as his central vision was destroyed by the stroke. We had advance directives and I was health care and financial POA, and he was in hospice care. Yes, you did the right thing. For me, it resulted in the loss of contact with people I thought liked me, and I am sorry about that. However, I would want the same for myself, and my own two children know that.

I went through the same crap with my sister because I followed my mom's written advanced directive. Now, five years later, we speak but have lost the closeness we previously had. You know in your heart you did the right thing.

I hope you have now deleted that message other wise you will keep referring to it. Your sister wants someone to blame for your dad dying and unfortunately she's blamed you.....this does happen I speak from my own personal experience with my father who died a few years ago. My brother and I no longer talk and I have had to go to a lot of counseling to recover. As far as I'm concerned my brother became non existent when dad died as my brother blamed me for everything despite me giving up 20+ years of my life to look after him while brother did 2%. Find a counsellor to talk to...CBT therapist helped me the most. You obviously did a lot for your father you also included siblings in decision making but actually didn't have to as you were his POA. He chose you to be his POA not your sister. You are a great caring person and did what needed to be done. Hold your head high. In 10 or 20 years your sister may feel differently but don't rob yourself of knowing you are a amazing person! Much love

You did not choose to end your dad’s life, you merely chose to end the medical intervention that was artificially prolonging his life, and also causing him suffering.

Your dad’s body wasn’t working any more. Your choice was kind, intelligent and humane.

His passing was God’s will, not yours.

Your Dad gave you POA because he knew you would make the choice he wanted. You did. Don’t look back.

Forget your sister’s cruel words. You don’t need “friends” like that. After my parents passed, a sibling said some similar things to me. I wish I wouldn’t have let those statements haunt me—but they did. I wish I would have known about this forum. I was silently suffering alone.

I decided I would not put myself in a position to hear that again and cut off communications. I have no regrets.

This forum brings healing.

Golden23 gave great advice—I have maintained close relationships with my nieces and nephews. That has been wonderful.

I’m so sorry you lost your dad. You are not alone.

Thanks everyone for the support. I have since blocked both sisters. Even without my sisters cruel comment my Dad's death has been weighing so heavy on my mind.

He did have hospice and we moved him back to the memory care with Mom. Mom and the hospice nurse were the only ones there when he passed. There was one issue with one of the hospice nurses not medicating enough on one of their shifts and he had a period where he was in discomfort and pain before the pain meds could be caught up. All my sibs tell this story of how my father was writhing in pain.. and EVERYTHING around his care was attributed to me. So I also have guilt about that period of time when he was not comfortable... of course it was only an hour or so..but my sibs have magnified it as if it happened all night long.... but I am not happy with him being in pain at all.

We also had a conference call with all sibs and decided on comfort care if the blockage didn't clear again.. so I'm not sure how they are putting this decision squarely on my shoulders.

As for my sister.. she has been known to say some very cruel things in the past... then when she is ready to be back in my life.. she acts as if it never happened. I think right now she is trying to get rid of all the guilt of her lack of involvement by targeting me.

Its so difficult to get past this with no real (family) support. I do go to therapy and I have a support group at the memory care and they have been much more supportive then my family.. also you guys have been very supportive as well. Others here have also been in my situation and I know it is common.

Katie,

I am on your side. I have done everything for mom. I love my brothers but they have never been helpful to mom or me. They have never understood regarding mom’s care because they have always been on the outside looking in.

Having said that. I feel this is a combination of ignorance on your sister’s side, maybe even arrogance in feeling like they know more than you but I also feel like grief is in play and I will tell you why.

My poor mom in her grief over losing my dad in a loving 50 plus year marriage said after he died that she was to blame for his death by agreeing to the heart surgery. Of course, she was NOT to blame for it. We specifically asked his heart surgeon if he could live without the surgery and he said no he could not. We asked about dad’s age (80’s) and if it was his father would he still do it and he said that he would. He did survive the surgery. Had a stroke shortly afterwards while recovering from surgery in the hospital. Mom felt so guilty!

In your sister’s grief, they are looking for someone to blame. I know they were not as close as you were to your dad but grief can still happen.

My mother in law had a hateful mother and mother in law. At the wake for her MIL she was crying and I said to her that I was sorry and her response was, “I am not crying because she is dead! We were not close because she was so mean. I am crying because of what could have been. All I ever did was love her son and she hated me for taking her son away from her.” Made me sad. So, maybe they have a guilty conscience and are grieving, maybe they see that they should have been better daughters and a better sister but have too much pride to admit it and need to blame someone and unfortunately that someone is you.

Take care. Many, many hugs!

Katiekay, I (along with my 5 siblings) have been in your same situation when it comes to end of life decisions for both my parents, and it was the most difficult time in our lives, luckily we all made the decisions jointly, so we did not have the painful experience you have just witnessed, where one sibling (after the fact) doesn't agree with that decision, thankfully we all know in our hearts that our parents supported our decision to let them go in peace and not take heroic steps to prolong their lives as we knew it would only lead to more suffering, and that brings us peace.

Reading your story, I truly believe that your Dad would not have made it through surgery, he was too ill, too weak, and you know in your heart that you made the right decision with the guidance from the medical professionals, and now he is at peace, his suffering is over. Keep those thoughts in your mind, you did the best thing.

As others have written, your sister is angry at herself, is feeling guilty for not helping more, at pain of losing your Dad, and is striking out at the one person she knows will feel it the hardest, it makes no sense but grief has a funny way of working in the mind, especially in the person who is probably feeling guilty of not participating in the care of their love one lost, we read about it on the forum time and time again.

It is best to chalk her cruel behavior and outbursts up to her grieving process, try not read them or engage with her, and delete those messages as fast as they come, or better yet Block her from your phone for a time, nothing good comes from reading them, you have better and more urgent things to take care of now, your Mom and the closing up your Dad's personal affects.

I remember being in the thick of it, 3 of our parents going through major medical issues, trying to work and care for my family at home, and seeing them through it, and then losing them one by one in the span of 14 months, it was awful, so sad and so painful. Then immediately my FIL moved in, and our lives were forever changed. Life can really come at you hard!

I wish you peace going forward, that you get some rest from all of this foolishness, and that you and your Mom are doing and feeling a bit better after losing your Dad. Having lost all 4 of our parents now, it takes a long time in dealing with our grief, but life does go on and in time things will get better and we find our new normal. HUGS FRIEND!

Oh Katie, HUGS!

You did the right thing for your dad, period.

I know that words can inflict the worst pain, but you did not deserve her hatefulness and I pray that you can just consider the source and let it go.

She is striking out because she knows that she was of no valuable help to your dad during his difficult journey, so blaming you justifies her in her own twisted head.

Leaving you alone from here on out is a blessing to you, take it!

Your parents are blessed that you stood up and willingly took the hardest job anyone could ever have, caring for their needs when they couldn't.

Great job, hugs for every minute you put them first!

Oh Katie (((((((hugs))))) My advice, in whatever form you need it to be, is look after yourself. Your sister is not mentally healthy. I have one who isn't either. Nothing I say or do changes anything she says or does. which, among other things, hurt me. My only recourse is to protect myself which I do by detaching and distancing. I have reduced contact to a minimum, and once mother's ashes are in the ground that contact will be ended. I will remain in contact with her children Some have suggested therapy for you to help you cope with this, I freely use therapy to help me deal with my dysfunctional family. I find it helps.

Katy--
I am sorry for your loss.

Your sister did an unconscionably bad thing at a time when you were feeling raw. She was striking out, without any of the details.

Was she there? Or just not ready to accept dad's death?

Time is a great healer--in fact, the best.

Give her the gift of forgiving by not allowing her hurtful words to stay with you. In grief, we say things and do things we would never think we would. I'm sure sister is hurting. And she wasn't ready to let dad go.

You had a sibling call on this. You did the right thing.

Take time to grieve properly and then work for a hopefully better relationship with sister. It may or may not happen.

Right now is time to grieve and accept the 'new normal'.

{{Hugs}}

The end of life is often not pretty, and I only hope that there was enough pain medication given for your Dad to be kept below level of dreaming, and unaware until he passed. You and your family made the right decision with your doctors. A surgery would have likely been only additional pain. Family members are all different and unique and your sister apparently wants someone "to blame" so that she will not have to feel the pain and frustration of this herself. You might gently respond that you understand how difficult it was for all of you, that you all attempted with the guidance of the doctor to do the right thing, that you cannot ever know what outcome the path not taken might have. Tell her you sympathize with her pain and suggest that she see a counselor to help her work through her grief. I have had to gently say to my brother "I am sorry, but I will not accept the responsibility for your pain, nor carry the guilt when I have done what I could to help make the right decision." That actually worked well. It acknowledged his own pain, as well as my own feeling that I did the best I could and out of love, and would not carry the burden of unknowns. It IS hurtful. Acknowledge that, as well. Say you understand her grief, and acknowledge her feelings, but that they are in fact, very hurtful. Not a lot can change feelings. They just are not rational things.

First and foremost, I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm also very happy for your dad. I don't think there was any good option for maximizing his quality of life at this point by the sounds of it and letting him decide when it was time through his body and spirit if you will, while maybe being the hardest was also the best option here. Thinking only about him I don't see how you and your siblings could have made any other decision and you as his MPOA honored his choice well including your siblings in that decision even though technically you didn't have to.

I'm going to guess that while wrong to attack you like this, especially by text, your sister is just grieving and in fact taking it all out on you is actually an indication of just how much you were the right person you are, how "safe" and secure she feels in her relationship with you. It's like a teenager telling mom they hate you and will never forgive you for not letting me go to the concert 4 hrs away with the 30 yr old guy they met on-line. Ridiculous we all know and so does the teenager deep down but emotionally they are secure in focusing their negative emotions at you. Your sister may be feeling guilty, earned or not, because she wasn't there or because she did agree and in her mind he was going to come through just like the last time, maybe she chose something over visiting the last time she was thinking about it, was distracted last time she spoke with dad or didn't tell him she loved him, we often have regrets when a parent passes. Grief is a personal thing with many dynamics and it's also a shared thing, hopefully that's a positive thing but in your sisters case it sounds like she is sharing it negatively at the moment. You have every right to be upset with her text, you are grieving too with all the same emotions and not taking them out on her but maybe your relationship is such that in other circumstances you would shluf off that text as sister venting inappropriately? I mean I have a brother who lives on the other side of the country so while he cares and wants to contribute and he does don't get me wrong, he is not a part of the day to day, week to week or month to month care of mom and often just doesn't see why the other brother and I "allow" Mom to be so unreasonable...he often wants to take a logical firm approach with her that while makes sense to us we (other bro & I) know is just going to make her dig her heels in and cooperate less. Hard to explain but the point is he just has a differing approach, says whatever he's thinking without consideration and sometimes it really frustrates or hurts me talking to him, other brother too but we know it's just Bill being Bill. My advice would be to try and put this text aside for now and giver her room to grieve, be angry (probably at herself more than you even though it's directed at you) maybe even angry at the situation more than you personally but you represent the situation as the one with ultimate control. Be inclusive of all your siblings at this time, you need each other and then later when some of this process has happened, after any service, after details, at the right time (you will know it) let her know how hurtful that text was and talk it out when you aren't both angry and highly emotional. As right as this time was for your dad to pass, as right as your decisions for him medically were and as expected as it might be the passing of a parent is simply emotional and that's ok. What is it they say "we hurt the ones we love the most".

I'm so sorry for your loss but happy for your father's peace.

Delete the text and block her number. Do not answer it.

If you answer her truthfully it won't change her mind.
If you are angry back it will escalate.
If you are kind in response she will never forgive you for that either.

So get rid of it and try to forget it. Leave everything to time.

Sorry about Dad.

My reaction would be "You haven't been here to see how he suffered". We all made the decision to let him go."

I think the decision was a good one. I think it was Dads time. I also think your sister needs to blame someone because she is feeling some guilt here. She may need some help to deal with Dads death.

People can say what they want but if they are not doing the hands on, they have no idea what is involved with caring for someone. They go on their merry way not realizing what a pain it is sitting in an ER. Dealing with Drs. and staff who do not know ur LO. Making sure they aren't given a med they shouldn't have. Even though its on the paperwork you gave them. Even in an AL, there are things you have to deal with. I used to think it was awful when someone had to put a LO in a NH. How could they. But now I know why. Comes to a point we have to do what we have to do. So they get the best care and to save our health and Sanity,

Katie, hospice has counseling available at no charge for a year following the death. Utilize it, they have seen what you are experiencing and worse many times. Put them in contact with sis. Her reaction, they have seen many times.

And stop reading anything you receive from her. Do not punish yourself.

My MIL died from a stroke suffered shortly after attempting to re attach her colon and intestines. We opted for this because she did not want to live with a colostomy bag but also she kept forgetting she had one.

My point is that the surgery your father would have needed would very likely have killed him. Your sisters words show her to be behaving in an irrational manner. People can say hurtful things out of grief and frustration but that doesn't mean those sentiments should be regarded as valid. Just know in your heart you did all you could and acted with concern and love.

Reading here of your loss Katykay, I am so sorry your Dad passed away.

Katie;

deep breaths.

Yes, she may be unstable. Unstable people, even stable unstable people, are sent off their rockers by deaths that they are unprepared for; folks who are unstable usually live in a bubble in which everyone is immortal.

Dad made you POA for a reason. You did the right thing.

If you can, ignore your sister's note as the ranting of a person who is not in control of herself right now. I know you want to tell her to pound sand or suck eggs, but if you NEED to say something to her, just say "I know you're hurting right now; we got the best medical advice available and we took it; you're not a doctor and neither am I; I looked to the docs for what they thought was best and that's what I did".