She takes off what we put on. She fights us to put on a pad or depends. She pees and poops in the bed, the chair and on the floor every day. We have chuxs, waterproof mattress pads and blankets. She doesn’t seem to care that she is wet. She can’t smell anything. If we do get a pad on her she will sneak and take it off. It’s a constant stressor for my Mom. She has been injured trying to hold her up and clean her multiple times a day. We are being firm but kind and she just says “I don’t want that’!
we just go help in the home but only for 12 hours a week and I fear if we don’t get this managed she will have to go to a care home. Next week is her first appointment with her doctor and we want her to see a Specialist but I think she needs some medication she is so depressed since my Uncle died about a month ago. Any advice?

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With the diagnosis of dementia this will probably get more difficult for you and your mom before it gets better.
The big problem is that as this situation gets "better" another will crop up.
If you and your mom can not care for her you can get caregivers that will come in and help out. (Aunt pays for the caregivers). If that is not an option looking for Memory Care facility for her is another option.
It is at the point where she needs 24/7/365 care and she can not be left alone.
There are medications that can help with anxiety, depression but to find the right medication and the right dose can sometimes take a while.
I would also look for an Adult Day program for her. That would give you and your mom a break and it will get your Aunt used to getting care from other people. It will also get her socializing with others.
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Does she have a dementia diagnosis? You're doing the right thing in getting her to her physician, and they can refer her to a specialist. Make a list of the behaviors and concerns and get it to them prior to the start of your visit--you can hand it off to the staff when you sign in. They'll start the ball rolling in pinpointing the cause of your aunt's issues--some things like depression or a UTI can mimic or worsen the dementia symptoms, as can the loss of their pimary caregiver who was propping them up.
Here's a checklist of the stages for Alzheimer's, but if she does have any type of dementia it might help you define what you see when you describe the behaviors to the doctor. You can sign up for an excellent detailed pdf checklist at the bottom of the page too--they do not spam:

A lot of times the incontinence battle will force a move to a care home--bowel and urinary incontinence do not reverse unless there's some underlying acute cause. That your mom has already been hurt is of concern--her quality of life shouldn't be sacrificed to try to provide the 24/7 care that is required to keep your aunt safe and healthy at this point. At 81 that will be a challenge. A care home sounds like a reasonable choice. Ask the doctor for a social worker referral to help you look into places nearby. Some are very nice.
No more pads--remove her panties from the house, replace with incontinence diapers and call them panties. If she can still identify and resist the side-tabbed diaper type, use the briefs with tear-away side panels (but diaper-type are easier for the caregiver once fecal incontinence starts).
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What a nightmare for you mom. She can seriously injure herself trying to clean up the aunt. Not to mention the stress of having to clean up urine and feces everyday. This won't get easier or better and she should start looking for a place where aunt can get the help she needs. 12 hours week for someone coming into the home is not enough
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Change is hard on a dementia patient and your Aunt has had tons of it in the last month.

If she does have dementia or Alzheimer's, this is the type of behaviors that make placement in a facility a choice. She can't help herself, her brain is broken.

Teepa Snow videos on YouTube can help you understand and give you and mom some techniques but, urine and fecal matter everywhere is the number 1 reason for placement and I placed my dad because I couldn't deal with it. There is no failure involved with placement, it is often the best thing for a dementia patient, routines are part of facility life and dementia does well with routine amidst the chaos in their brains.

I am sorry for your families loss and pray that you find the best solution for everyone involved, because it only works when it works for all.

Your mom can not become another statistic, your Uncle already did.
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Thinking back to when your aunt was living at home with her husband, your uncle: was he her primary caregiver? Do you know if she was incontinent then? If so, what products, if any, was he using? If you know or can find out (packaging, orders, delivery notes) and it's different from what you're offering her now, reintroducing what she was used to might help.

Next: what clothing does she prefer to wear? And especially, what underwear? Making sure that any continence products are compatible with (again) what she's used to is important.

Is she able to use the toilet at all, with or without support?

Above all, she's only been with you a month, and the upheaval and disruption and stress must be incredibly difficult for everyone. Don't despair! There will be light at the end of the tunnel.
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My dad went to heaven on Nov of 2019

I am blessed to still have my 81 yr old sweet but sassy mom here with me as I have nobody not trustworthy sadly we found out....

Its crazy difficult at times but I welcome hearing mommy be fresh to me.....usually at sundown.....cuz I learned with daddy's passing that I would do anything to hear daddy's voice again.....I could hear him still.

Best of luck on ur's truly a blessing to me to have mommy still here.

I don't know if this company services ur area yet but I live in Florida and was fortunate to c a commercial on TV recently.
It was featuring a brief introduction of a non-invasive
Intimate item to help elderly women not have to use pee pee I had done for yrs and they r costly.
I believe it's called Purewick....
Its sold through Liberator Medical. It works on suction...check it out. Good luck. Medicare does cover it and also other insurance companies believe u need a doctor s note
If u choose to use insurance. I needed it ASAP so I paid the $300 cost of it
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sometimes elderly people get so depressed that they just don’t care anymore: their own hygiene, health, etc.

(sometimes it’s dementia, not depression)

i really hope you find good solutions for the incontinence.

as you know, a dramatic solution is a catheter.

doing pipi naturally is better/healthier - but a catheter can be very practical.

however, then you’ll still have the problem of kaka incontinence. adult diapers. i really hope you can convince your aunt.

empathy hug!!!!
and soon-new-year hug!!! :)
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Aunt needs a care home. There is no way you and Mom can keep doing this. Twelve hours will not help much.
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