I believe that she is bored, she can't follow tv, doesn't like music, doesn't read and it's not hygenically safe to have her do the laundry, or wash dishes. She does like visitors and asks me 10 times a day, "who's is coming over." She likes to have company and it is often me who entertains them. I manage to have visitors 2-3 times a week (some paid and some unpaid) She wants to go everywhere I go which is usually grocery shopping. I manage about 3 hours a week respite, but that activates her suspicion. She gets very upset. I tried Day Care twice but she wants me to stay with her at the center. She told the director, "I can do puzzles at home." There are only one or two other people there and they do seem to be in an advance state compared to her. She does like to play cribbage and I manage a visitor every other week to play a game or two. I really need help, I actually think she would be happier in a memory center but she has anosognosia and doesn't think there is a problem. I also do the cooking, but there is almost nothing she likes.Everything is too hard, too soft, too salty or something. Her semi-annual physicals are actually very good even though she eats mostly sweets. Her changes in personality are suspicion, hiding things, shadowing me and feeling that others are stealing her things. She doesnt take a bath. She cleans her teeth in the kitchen sink as opposed to the bathroom even thought I asked her to use the bathroom.
As you can see, bathing and grooming become disrupted BIG TIME when AD/dementia is at play. You can watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to help you figure out how to get your wife into the shower. You can hire someone to come into the house to bathe her, or, you can get her placed in Memory Care BEFORE a 'crisis' hits that forces the issue, as you mentioned earlier. One way or another, this is an issue that must be addressed at some point if you want a life yourself, and if you want your wife bathed and socialized and fed 3 hot meals a day, etc. My mother lived in MC for 3 years and received an excellent quality of care, and I was able to be her daughter instead of her exhausted servant caregiver who was in over her head and out of her realm medically.
I recommend a book, Living In The Labyrinth by Diana Friel McGowan, which is an autobiography of a woman living with Alzheimer's Disease. You can get a feel for what your DW is going through herself with AD by reading this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Labyrinth-Personal-Journey-Alzheimers/dp/0385313187/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1WMDX0PTDT2BF&keywords=living+in+the+labyrinth&qid=1672245734&sprefix=living+in+the+labryin%2Caps%2C955&sr=8-1
You're not a 'failure' if you place your wife; you're a burned out and overwhelmed husband who can't figure out HOW to make his wife happy, safe and comfortable while maintaining a life of his OWN at the same time. That's all.
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the reality of this situation.
In April I sent you a link to a book, Understanding the Dementia Experience. From that book:
"Grooming and bathing are disrupted when the person forgets how and when to do things. They may forget what the steps of washing are. They may forget that they need to wash. They may be unable to remember how much time has elapsed since they last washed or changed their clothes. They may also believe that they are clean and take offence should anyone suggest otherwise. Dealing with such situations in a manner that is kind and jovial, rather than confrontational, is important. One fellow, who needed to help his wife bathe as she was no longer able to do so herself, was puzzled because she was calm and cooperative until he helped her step out of the bathtub, and then she became agitated and wanted to get covered up immediately. As it turned out, as soon as she saw her own reflection in the mirror, she thought there was another person in the bathroom, and she was embarrassed. As you can see, the cause of the distress for a person with dementia is not always readily apparent to the rest of us, who can take intact thought and reasoning for granted.
If a person with Alzheimer disease is looking at a solid black area, or a solid white area, such as a bathtub, they may perceive a yawning bottomless hole. Putting a coloured bath mat down may increase the likelihood that they would be willing to step into the tub. Putting blue food colouring into the water may allow them to see what they are stepping into as well. Generally, with altered depth perception, it becomes challenging to judge how high, deep, long, wide, near or far things are.
If you send clear signals through your tone of voice, facial expression and relaxed and confident attitude, that you mean them no harm, they may trust you to the point where you are able to help them with their personal care. People with Alzheimer disease become extremely sensitive to the body language of others, as they no longer possess the judgment and insight to understand the situation, so they evaluate the threat posed to themselves by the frown or aggressive stance of the other. It is important to exaggerate your body language communication to let the person with Alzheimer disease know that you intend them no harm. A smile on your face, a relaxed tone of voice and body stance, a sense of calmness and reassurance, perhaps a hug, all communicate that you mean to help, not harm. If you feel like you’re overdoing the positive body language, you are communicating your intent effectively for a person with Alzheimer disease.
Remember that their short-term memory may not permit them to remember what you are doing when the two of you are part way through a task, such as a bath. People have found it effective to keep chatting throughout the task, as the continued connection and reassurance of a soothing tone helps the person with Alzheimer disease stay calm in a situation they would otherwise find threatening."
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The decision to transition her into MC would really be your call, not hers. Few people are "happy" about leaving what is familiar but they do adjust. Find a good, reputable local place now so that if/when you're ready you don't have to make the decision under duress, or during a crisis.
You can take her early in the morning and they will feed her breakfast, lunch and a snack, and you can pick her up 8 hours later which will give you plenty of time for yourself. And she can be there 5 days a week if you so choose.
And of course if you're just tired of dealing with it all, it may be time to place her in a Memory Care facility, though they won't keep her nearly as busy as the Day Care Center will, just FYI.
You have to do what is best for you both.
With them, it's something different because their brains are broken. They're incapable of being bored as we know it. Instead they can't figure things out, so they wander around looking vacant. Or they want to have visitors but can't understand the conversation, don't associate it with things like they did before they were sick, and their caregiver does the entertaining while they look puzzled. That's because a visitor is mentioning things they have no memory about - "You just wouldn't believe what your sister Sally Jo did yesterday! Why, she baked a cake and invited your grandchildren over to decorate it!" Dementia patient smiles and nods but has no idea in that moment what a sister is, who Sally Jo is, what the word "bake" means, how to do that to a "cake," and you mean I have grandchildren? What are they? I don't have grandchildren! She's lying to me!
Meanwhile the visitor is off on another paragraph saying they can't decide whether to buy a white car or a gray one. What's a car? Buy it? But the patient keeps smiling and nodding. Bored? They don't know enough to be bored about. They're blank a lot of the time. Dementia is a sad, sad situation. It's important to remember they're not who they were. Don't expect their parameters to be as ours are. And in this lady's case, she might benefit from a bit of ativan to calm her anxiety.
I wish you luck in finding a nice home for your wife.
I feel like she would adjust to her new surroundings and there would be other residents for her to socialize with, plus different activities for her to participate in.
Wishing you and your wife all the best.
I hope that you will be able to get more rest soon. You must be exhausted from not having much time for yourself.