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Let me begin with, yes my mother is a Narcissist. Growing up, it has always been about her. She had 4 of us, one she sent way to foster care. The other three she pit against each other. She lies like no tomorrow. There is no room to love others because of her own selfishness. My father always worked and was never home. So she yelled, pushed arounds her kids, and ignored us as much as possible. I was the one that she admitted she hated as a child. How ironic, I am the only one that is taking care of her..Today she had many medical issues that forced her with my family that includes my mental ill husband, and ADHD son.
What was I thinking!! She lies ALL THE TIME, to family, doctors, etc. Refuses to do what she had to do to stay alive. Yet, if she thinks she is having a heart attach, call 911 now! Then when caught in lie or deception she hates life and wants to die. She is still trying to pit my own family against each other. She fake cries, lies all the time when corrected. Then when she doea nor get up and walk, she falls, unstable,gets dizzy. When she gets up every hour and walks her stability returns to normal.
My husband takes care of her. He came down with mental illness 2 years ago from high stress managent job. It is chaos daily. He tries and tries to get her to do the right thing, she lies, he feeds her balanced meals as instructed by Dr. She refuses or cries or lies. She has CHF and has to walk every hour and drink 6 8oz water daily. I come home from work, he is stressed, she is stressed. She does not walk, too tired, 1 glass of water Total and she is dehydrated. She is now longing for my attention, my son NEEDS my attention, my husband needs my attention. My mother puts on her narcissist behavior, starts crying, hand over face. Then starts, nobody cares or loves me. My husband now in anxiety attach, he has had enough, my son want mother, cant handle the chaos my mother is causing.
I am told by doctors she will die within 3 months if in nursing home because she has to walk every hour. Most of our battle..well lies, walking and drinking.
My grandmother had CHF and went to rehab, died 2 months later of CHF. If I can keep her, she will live. We kept her alive for 11 months but at everyones expense.
This family is stressed out.
I am stressed, working, trying to mend my family and I just want to put my mother in time out, in her room! I cant hand handle much more. Oh, my sisters and brother dont want her. And my mom is a Christian that lies, deceives and hurts others.
I dont know what to do. I started to lay ground rules and she does more fake cries, pouts, negative talking that nobody loves her. Husband is over it, losing patience, son losing patience and losing respect for grandmother.
And my mother seems to be holding the strings!
One minute she is crying and 5 minutes later laughing at the cat or dog! The family is upset because of her actions, and she acts like nothing is wrong!
Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas to bring this house together in Harmony.

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Here are your priorities, in order:

1. You. Because if you go under, so does everybody else. What do *you* need to keep functioning?

2. Your husband. Because if he melts down, your son and your mother will lose his crucial input.

3. Your son. Because he's your son.

4. Your mother. Because she's your mother, and you are a compassionate person.

But at the moment, the person who should be the lowest priority is taking over everything else. You look after your mother in your home because you fear for her health and her happiness. So. Is she healthy? No. Is she happy? No. Looking after her in your home is not even working for *her*, let alone the higher priority members of the family.

You are not responsible for your mother's chronic heart disease. You are not responsible for her chronic misery, nor for her mental instability.

You are responsible for making the decisions that impact on your family's wellbeing. So if changes need to be made - hint: they do - it is up to you to make them.

A good nursing home will not neglect your mother's needs. The 'up and about every hour' prescription - you may find that they're actually better able to cope with that than your poor husband is, because they won't care if your mother argues with them. But in any case, your mother is too big a handful for two people. She needs a whole team. Place her, as fast as you can.
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Pzatvarn1, your mother sounds so much like mine. If we spoke the truth of how things are, people would say we're terrible. So we keep suffering through it. My mother is 90 years old now and has dementia. For years now she has set in front of the TV all day, getting up only to eat and use the bathroom. I used to encourage her to get up and get out. I would tell her to use it or lose it. That would just get her upset with me that I didn't understand what it was like to be old and hurting. The trouble was that I knew her and knew that most of it was that she was more comfortable just sitting. I finally let her be, since it was just making my life more unpleasant by encouraging her to do things.

Is your mother's mind okay other than being narcissistic? I would say if it is, then let her know what she needs to do, then if she doesn't do it, then it is her decision. It is sad that your husband has to be around her. Living with someone who is like that is torture. Believe I know! I wish there was another option for the sake of your family. Daily stress can ruin people's lives when it goes on too long. What does he think you should do about your mother? He and your son are your primary concern. You are concerned that your mother would only last 3 months in a NH because she won't walk or drink enough. How long has she been living at your home? She hasn't been doing the things she needs to do, so it doesn't seem that things are any different than it would be at a NH.
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It sounds like there are very long standing issues of hurt, pain, abuse, etc. Has your mother suffered with depression or some other mental health issues? Sometimes, that causes people to be miserable, neglect their responsibilities and generally behave n odd ways. I'd discuss it with her doctor to see if she can be treated.

Having that person who caused you such pain living in your home and causing your family more heartache sounds troublesome. Do you think that she has changed for the better? Not likely. Did you go through therapy to get past it? If not, then, I don't see how you expect things to be good. Plus, it sounds like mom might be having some cognitive issues herself. If that's the case, she may be progressing to become even more difficult to manage.

I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish, since your mom would be perfectly cared for elsewhere, since, it's apparently not working in your home. I'd explore where she can be placed and then do it. If she has the funds to cover it, they can be applied and if not, apply her for Medicaid.

I don't understand allowing your mom, who didn't do right by you to make your husband, who has his own medical problems miserable in his own home. I can't see how it would help your son either, if she is impossible to accommodate. Living with a person who is miserable, depressed and generally, unhealthy can take a toll on you and your family. It sounds like a big sacrifice for no real gain. I'd also consider counseling for yourself, as your pain still sounds fresh.
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Dear Pzat...you are at burnout...where do you place the dividing line between being compassionate and constantly being used and abused by your own parent. You and your entire family...and for most of your life? I live here too. Narcissitic people can be very charming to outsiders...and will use lies to get what they want. Often you won't find a lot of support as society thinks older people are so sweet...right? Wrong. After years of me towing her line...after she refused to take rx ..just Paxil for obvious reasons...I finally hit the wall..set up counseling...told my brother I'm Done...I feel ashamed..but he is stepping up finally....my moms in a beautiful senior apt I worked years to get her into...all she needs is transportation to dr apts..so I live in guilt and shame...now...hopefully counseling will help and I can resume what feels like the right thing to do..help her..with strong boundaries...which she's never respected...I recommend counseling...your sanity depends on it..prayers for your entire family. Hugs
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I can tell you from experience that the only way you're ever going to find a peaceful life is to cut off the narcissist and move on. You say you're taking care of her? You don't know her anything! What you need to do is get your priorities straight and decide what really matters and what doesn't. You don't know that narcissist one more part of yourself, she ruined it  so let her decide how to take care of herself. She's probably not paying you either, you can't just hire free caregivers and not expect to pay them, they deserve decent pay especially in your situation. I would call APS and alert them to the situation. I would just leave and let whatever happens happen because you don't  whatever happens happen because you don't owe her nothing, and next time she tries to order you around, just don't cater to her demand, I'll just pretend like she doesn't even exist, kind of like she's just not there. Yes, just ignore her like she's not even there and go about whatever you're doing.  If you have a mobile device with downloaded Music and a pair of earbuds, just turn on your music ahead of time before she has a chance to bark out orders. Yes, kind of distract yourself and get into your music and before long you won't even know what she's saying or doing, but at the same time be aware of your surroundings and don't let her attack you. If she does anything to you, call the law and press charges. Make them stick if you do. If given your particular situation, I personally would take the first opportunity and go somewhere on an outing as far away from home as absolutely possible. Get her engaged in some kind of activity she really enjoys and when she barely knows you're there, just simply leave and never look back but be sneaky about it. Yes, just dump her somewhere, I sure would, I have no tolerance for these types of people after having been through too much abuse in my life. After all, this person is an adult and I remind you again, you don't owe her nothing and you're not obligated to her especially if she's living in your home and has no home of her own. Yep, I would definitely dump her as far away as absolutely possible if she was living in my home and trying to take over everything and making the lives of me and my family miserable. Dumping someone like that is about the best thing you can do. If she's left somewhere, she'll just have to scrape scrape up all her money and start over, because I wouldn't let her back in my house, no way not know how! If she has a key, I would change the locks. 

My experience with narcissists 

I can tell you that the narcissist behavior will never stop and that it's just a different pattern of the abuse cycle and in less you've actually been physically abused, you'll never understand the cycle. Hindsight is a very good teacher and there are different abuse types that you may not recognize even though you may have been in one or two. You may have experience was with one or two abuse types but you may not be able to spot or recognize unfamiliar ones. Sometimes we must go through something in order to understand it because sometimes it takes experience to learn a lesson. Sadly, something people must go through the same thing over and over and over until they get it but other times they must go through it because there's no escape. I can tell you as an abuse survivor that the only way to have a peaceful life is to cut off the person who is hurting you because they don't care about you or anyone else, they only care about themselves and not the needs of others. Cutting them out of your life may very well include dumping them somewhere if they are living in your home, but dump them as far away as possible, change the locks and your number. Selfish people will go to great links to make sure the needs of even their own people are never met, I know this for a fact because I grew up around two drunken abusive and very selfish parents. It's sad how selfish people very often end up using even their own, only to leave them struggling in ruin and not provide for their needs later in life despite not providing for them during childhood. I think new laws should be made to crack down on all abuse types, meaning that new laws would make some kind of provision for abuse survivors if those laws don't already exist.
Narcissistic people are very capable of tremendous damage toward their victims, and doesn't it seem funny they often attract the company of other victims and sometimes other narcissists? Now I know what's meant by birds of a feather flock together because they really do flock together. The kind of person you are will reflect what kind of company you keep, and whatever kind of company you keep speaks volumes of you. You may or may not agree with everything your type of company does or supports, but if you don't support it, don't do it or you become just like them. If you don't want to become narcissistic, don't hang with narcissists and learn their behavior. What you need right now is to hang with only healthy company and sever toxic relationships that are poisoning you without you knowing it. 

Before judging anything I say, try walking a mile where I've been because you have no idea until you've been where I have. Most people couldn't handle where I've been nor could they have survived what I survived. I don't think you could handle where I've been, but I've learned many lessons, and I have the sense to not deal with those types of situations ever again. Yep, I've developed a no nonsense strategy of no tolerance whatsoever. 

You say she won't do what's necessary to stay alive? OK then, let her die if she wants it that way. I can tell you right now she's just keeping the illness cycle going on, I've seen this kind of behavior before with an elderly friend who is now dead. If they don't want to take necessary steps to stay alive and healthy, then just let them go because they have a death wish. I can tell you I've seen this before, I've known different types of narcissists before, and isn't it strange how they just keep the illness cycle going and don't even try to make improvements to better their own lives? Yep, these are the kinds you must absolutely say let them die, they're taking away from other people who really need the help and will put forth an effort to better themselves. What I see you doing right now in this so-called caregiving is actually enabling her when you could move on to someone else who really needs you because she doesn't or she would be making improvements to stay alive and healthy. Look back at everything and you'll see where I'm coming from.
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In a way I have the same problem, no one but me will take care of my mom and I was always the loser she never bothered with until she needed help. I let my life behind to move in with her and see to it that she can stay in her house as long as possible. I can not have friends over she lives about me to everyone saying I starve her when I cook 3 meals a day, if I go visit a friend she calls constantly and tells me there is no food in the house or she is ill etc. She has belittled me all my life and nothing is ever good enough that I do. This I have all blown off. I do not allow her to make me feel bad and I carry on in just that manner. She says what she wants and it does not affect me, I watch out for her health and make sure she eats and drinks as much as I can get her to. What I would do in your situation since your mother is totally capable of understanding everything and does not have Alz or Dementia is sit her down just you and her somewhere out of the house and away from everyone and ask her what is needed for her to work with this family matter and not against it. Explain what you feel and yes she will deny she has any part, but this is your part. Tell her in no easy terms that if things do not change in order to take care of your first responsibility which is to your own family that you will have no choice but to put her in a home. Explain to her what the doctors have said about that and ask what her choice is. Give her if she wants to stay with you an amount of time to see if she changes and if not set a date to put her in a home. It is not easy to be a caregiver especially to one we feel has never appreciated or loved us, but what we do is right. We can only do so much and no matter how hard the choice may be if you have to send her away never feel guilty of what happens for you did all you could in your power and that matters a tremendous amount, not only in your life but in hers though she will never tell you this. Good luck and much love and strength to you.
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Another thought...if your parent you are care giving is a narcissus ..and you have a kind nature...compassionate...you are their perfect prey...they will definitely use your good nature to get their demands met...
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You have some great answers here but let me tell you from experience, your mother needs to be put into a nursing home. You cannot keep going on like this and neither can your husband and child. You cannot take care of everyone and your husband is having panic and anxiety attacks and your son is ADHD....put mom into a nursing home, you and your family have done all that you can and do not beat yourself up over it!
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You are entitled to live the life that you choose. You are entitled to some peace of mind and happiness. You are entitled to live in a peaceful environment. Your mother didn't deprive herself of living her life in the manner she chose and she is still is trying to do that. You know what action needs to be taken. There shouldn't be any guilt attached to your decision because it's the right one for you and for her.
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Although I cannot classify my mother as a narcissist, she definitely needs to be the center of attention. I had to pick her up, in December, from her home in GA because APS had been called. She lived with me for two miserable months. I found a great assisted living place about 2 weeks ago and she seems to be thriving! And, our relationship is much better! Find your mother a place and move her, immediately. I am not sure what kind of doctors would guilt you into keeping her at home with you? Telling you that she will die within 3 months? They really don't know. Your family needs to be able to heal, so do what is best for you, your husband and son. Mom had her chance...
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Listen to all those who tell you to take care of yourself. I was reluctant to put my husband in a nursing home, but I'm glad I listened to a social worker and placed him. Two years later, my body and spirit are still recovering from the stress I put myself under by taking care of someone who needed a team of people to care for his needs.
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Bless your heart you have your hands full. BUT, you have to take care of number one (YOU). You are the rock that holds this family together. If a doctor say that your mother will not live long in a nursing home. Look at other nursing homes or In home care homes. There are homes that take in seniors and care for them in there homes. They have several seniors and it's more one on one care. I feel your Mother would be happy after a while. You need this and your family needs this. I cared for my MIL in our home for years and it's a hard job. Plus I took care of my autistic grandson daily. Your family is so luck to have you. Good luck to all of you..
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Sorry to hear about the challenges you are being faced with. My mom is a classic narcissist so I know the games they play to get what they want. Persons like our mothers prey on the weak, kind and generous. PLEASE PUT HER IN A FACILITY. I know it's your mother but you also have a husband and son to take care of. A nursing facility will have the resources, the staff and the knowledge to deal with her. If she wants to play with their emotions they will take it with a grain of salt and not really take it to heart.
Do what is best for you who is number 1. Don't feel obligated.
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Listen to Countrymouse and the others.

You have had your taste of hell. Now get her settled somewhere and take care of yourself and immediate family.

Placing her will not be easy--she will cry, blah, blah, blah. It will not be pretty--but it will be short-lived. Steel yourself, grin and bear it. It will be over in a few hours. Then--DO NOT VISIT FOR A MONTH. Give her a chance to get used to the place and for the place and doctors to get her on the right meds.

Sending you a big hug!
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All of these answers are excellent. If it's one thing I've learned taking care of my inlaws until their passing, my parents until my mom just passed still taking care of my 95 year old dad, my sister until her passing, my son who is divorced and living with us along with his 2 young boys, is that it's vital to keep yourself healthy and happy......which by the way is the hardest thing of all (i'm fighting a cold from one of the boys right now). If you are not happy and healthy there is no way you can take care of anyone else to the best of your ability. You have got to get your mom out of your home......quickly. If she doesn't have any money there is always medicaid to help and other ways. Talk to a social worker at a nursing home or at least assisted living. My husband had an extremely stressful job along with traveling almost every week until his retirement. There is no way I would have brought that chaos into the house for him to deal with after 42 years of his job. I'm not blaming you at all. You thought you were helping or ma;ybe she didn't have the money but like the other posts said.....she's not happy and will NEVER be happy. She sounds like she needs to be on meds which I doubt YOU could ever get her to admit she needed them or take them but a facility probably could because they deal with this every day. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you need to take abuse anymore. You are the adult now and DON'T take it. Tell the siblings she's out of your house in a month. If no one takes her then she goes to a nursing home, assisted living, or psych hospital. For a breather, look in to respite care at a facility. That's usually for 5 to 7 days. It will give you time to talk to a social worker and get things in order (plus, bonus is that you get some much needed rest). By the way.....have you ever TOLD her you are not takiing her abuse anymore and the next time she starts in with the lies and the acting out she's out of your home?? Just curious..... Good Luck and God Bless
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I had the same type of mom. However, when she "went down" I was there for her. I sold her house, moved her into assisted living and she thrived because there were others her own age. I visited at least once a week, sometimes more if I could swing it. I took her out for the day, treated her to lunch, etc. and we began to enjoy each other's company. It was the best 2 years of our lives. It was wonderful. I'm so thankful I did what I could and she appreciated it. BTW, my siblings seemed to have forgotten her and only visited her a few times in assisted living. I have no regrets. I loved my mom dearly - thru it all - and know that she loved me, too. Do the right thing for yourself, your family and do what you can for your mom.
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What we casually call a "nursing home" is actually "skilled care" -- because that's precisely what they do. Nothing against your well-intentioned efforts, but this level of medical care and physical assistance and monitoring and cajoling is NOT what you are professionally educated in, right? Don't sweat it. You wouldn't expect yourself to be a successful aerospace engineer or concert violinist during every moment your free time, would you?? So stop expecting yourself to be 3 shifts of Rx and vitals management, dietician, PT, wound care, adult diaper care and every other physical need that will arise.

Make an appointment with a social worker from your county's senior division. Today. If mom is not already on Medicaid, the SW will get her application rolling. At the same time, he or she will help match mom with a facility that can address her constant (and escalating) needs.

Your mother is the type of parent who convinced her children from an early age that they only exist to be tied up in knots over her drama. You have every right and every reason to put a healthy distance between yourself and mom's toxicity. If you do that by placing mom in skilled care, you ARE taking care of her needs. Despite what the guilt machine in her mouth and the guilt machine in your mind are telling you. (That's all false guilt, BTW.)

You and your husband and son need to heal as individuals -- and as a family. This won't "just happen." This requires courage and action on your part. Again, you are not "putting mom out." You are matching her with the proper level of care.

It's time to reclaim tour home. And tend to your own needs....and hubby's and son's needs. It's OK to do this. It really is.

Good luck. Stay strong!!
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Please reach out to your Area Agency on Aging or even Adult Protective Services. You are asking for help. You've done the very best you can and everyone is suffering. I give you permission to make the loving choice to move your mom. You can just be the daughter, you no longer have to be the care giver. It's really ok. Blessings to you and your family.
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OMG I feel you........in my case I get SOME respite every couple of months. In my case it's the daughter-in-law who is a Malignant Narcissist.....the first year I was here the son came down to relieve me for a week the day AFTER Christmas (I suppose being with my family over the holidays isn't as important as his being with his family....ugh)......the daughter-in-law called every day threatening to kill herself if the son didn't go home. Really? She has changed nearly every date I was to be off......she has called me horrible vile names.....she told this precious 96 yr old that I care for......that she "guess I won't see you again" as she left the day before his 95th birthday.....I cannot imagine having one of her and then two others with needs under my care......and WORKING outside the home as well. My heart goes out to you because I don't see a way with the one involved with me......I can't imagine being you.......heartbreaking.......for me? I am about to see a lawyer for the first time and already talked to an accountant about the $50 a day I was paid.......that is sure to blow the top of the Narcissist......I'm anxious about this, but enough is enough.....sometimes we have to look within to find the answers and resolutions to dealing with people who are killing us.
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Your narc mother is a grown adult, making her own decisions, and will either live or die as a result of those decisions. It is not your place, or your husband's place, to force her to drink water or to walk her around every hour, especially when she's making such a federal case about it! Get her into a facility right away and you know what? All that bad behavior will stop, since there will be nobody to manipulate in the facility. If she refuses to walk and drink water in the facility, then she will pass away as a result of her own behavior, and have no family members to blame.

Enough is enough.

Best of luck to you.
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I'm somewhere in the middle. I know mom is a narcissist. After 4 years of mostly misery. I'm moving mom to senior housing. Her move day is March 1st and she is in denial. The movers are scheduled and she refuses to pack. I've taken her over there once to look at her place, brand new! Did nothing but complain. I'm taking her back on the 1st and there she stays. She is all of the above everyone else has mentioned. I must stay strong! She does have her own home which I will continue to take care of along with her finances.
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First, u need to have ur Mom evaluated. Then u need to talk to Medicaid. Hopefully, she has no home or assets, will be easier. Find out what you need to do to qualify her for help. A doctor maybe able to get her in a NH. When all is said and done, u may need a lawyer to help u around Medicaid and making the correct decisions. I think Medicaid allows his fees from any income Mom brings in. Check with them. Good Luck.
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Hobeclaire, for what it's worth, the BEST decision I've EVER made was to put my narc mother into assisted living, then allow the caregivers to deal with her rather than me. I call her and visit weekly, but basically, THEY have to deal with her rather than me. She shows THEM a much friendlier, happier face than she shows me, that's for sure. She's the social butterfly in the ALF, and everyone loves her. If she were living with me (God forbid), she'd be miserable 100% of the time. She's incapable of making decisions to begin with, so I did her a huge favor by making that big decision FOR her.
Best of luck to you.
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hobeclaire,
She's an adult. Give her the ultimatum to either pack or you're leaving it on the curb on the first. As for her finances, I wouldn't even take care of that, let her make her own mistakes. But choosing to take care of anything for her, you're keeping yourself tied to a toxic person. Just let it go and let whatever happens happen. She already made your life and the lives of the rest of your family miserable, just wash your hands of her and let her be. I also was in a situation where I could never again be in the picture no fault of my own, it was their choice to push me away and keep me away. The more you stay in contact with the narcissist, the more they will abuse you until you cut them off. 

Problem
* You will see that even taking care of money or something like that for the narcissist, the problems will continue.

Solution
What I would do is just change my number and don't give it to the narcissist. Only give it to people you trust, but if the narcissist somehow ends up with your number, change it again and keep changing it and find out who gave your number away but just don't give them your new number from now on. You're trying to stay out of reach of the narcissist, and the more distance between you and the narcissist, the better.

I don't know if you ever heard of a thing called the no contact order, but many people who have survived and escaped a narcissist knows about a no contact order. It doesn't matter what you do for her now, she's always going to complain, look what she did when you showed her the new place, she had complaints, right? She will also complain about you taking care of her finances and other stuff. That's why you really need to cut her off and drop whatever it is you're doing for her and just stop doing it because she still going to make your life miserable if you don't cut her completely off. Trust me on this, she will keep hounding you in one way or another until you give in and give her what she wants. This is why you really need to completely cut her off, you'll be sorry if you don't. I know, it's your choice and your life but I'm just warning you from experience because I've been there in someway or another, and I know what a narcissist is capable of and what they'll do if you're attached to them in any way whatsoever either directly or indirectly. Moving the narcissist away from you or even moving out is not going to be enough because they will always want something from their victims and the will always victimize you if you let them
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Why do you assume a nursing home will neglect your mother? The experience you had with your grandmother does not need to be repeated. What kind of doctor is so specific – 'walk her every hour or she'll die in three months'. If that's the doctor's orders, he can find an environment for her where those needs will be met.

It will be difficult, because your mother has been pulling your strings your whole life, but you need to place her somewhere she can be cared for without hurting anyone else. If it helps motivate you, think about how your mother's demands are causing you to not meet your son's needs.

The next time your mother has one of her 'spells', take her to the Emergency Room. While she's being evaluated, ask to talk to a social worker about placement.

Of course, if your mother has the financial resources, pick out an assisted living community TOMORROW and move her in. No arguments, no discussions.

As is typical for the children of narcissists, you are having trouble saying no. You're trying to please her even though you know she can't be pleased. That's a very unhealthy way to live.
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I am sorry for your situation. I have seen cases like this in families. Every attempt is made to find peace but it never works and the end result is that every family member is filled with anger and resentment and things get worse from there. When you have a parent who is narccistic and another parent who has mental issues, and there is constant chaos - well, then do something about it. Remove the worst one and put that one into a facility. Perhaps this will make it easier on your father to be part of the family. If not, you know what you have to do. Families cannot and should not be torn apart because of bad behavior from their parents. Be strong and put an immediate stop to it. You know peace will never reign otherwise.
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Wow--this is probably THE most discussed topic on these boards--the narcissist parent making their kids' lives miserable--but the inability of the kids (no matter your age!!) is still living in the past with all the past dynamics and control issues.
I would have put mother in ALF last year, but was shot down by the other (MIA) sibs. They think everything is peachy.

You are worried that she may die if sent to a NH? She's going to die, anyway, not be crude about it, and do you WANT your son to watch that happen? Should your hubby be the primary caregiver as that happens?

What THEY want and what WE KNOW is possible for their care are often miles apart.

Moving your mom to a NH will be hard, but if you do not do it, the end may just be so absolutely horrible your family won't survive it. Sounds like your mom rules your house with an iron fist. How awful. My hubby would have left this situation years ago.

Good luck.
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Has the thought come to you or anyone out there that we contribute to the delinquency of our loved one by doing almost everything to help them? Well, if it helps you my wife has vascular dementia and really many times not responsible for what she says or does. She is happy in the Assisted Living portion of the retirement community and I help her and the staff as much as I can. We do have a DNR and most likely will not let her go to the local hospital if she may need to. God knows our days and we can make our days enjoyable or not to a point. I want to make it enjoyable both for her and me, so my times are in HIS hands. Love while you can and make memories when you can also.
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What you have been doing is more than any one person can handle and be responsible for. I echo the others who have said to get her into a care facility with people trained and paid to deal with the elderly and all their problems and ways. You already have your hands full caring for your husband and son and work. That is a big load, too. Do not feel guilty. Do not let yourself be "used" by someone who doesn't really care. You have gone more than the extra mile and for your own sanity and well-being should get out of this situation. Your husband and son need your love, too. You can do that once rested and away from this toxic person. I, like you, would want to be able to deal with her, too. But I would be lost far sooner than you were in spite of all my good intentions and deep caring. This may take some time to get past once she is out of your home, so counseling is a very good idea to help you heal. May you be guided to the best choices and path to follow.
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Superbly said countrymouse. I have nothing to add.
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