She does not have the authority to dictate what you do. If she wants it her way, give her a list of local agencies that will provide the care to her specifications.
I appreciate your response, Im just really struggling with all this... Your suggestions are great and I too will explore services as to respond next conversation we have, very helpful thank you.
What she wants doesn’t have to be what you do. There are many ways to provide help and nothing requires you to uproot your life and well being to satisfy her demands. I hope you’ll use boundaries (read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend if you haven’t) to protect yourself.
Good suggestions given to you, just want to add that the caregiving "solution" only works if it works for both parties. You must have it clear in your own mind that you, your partner (if you have one) and your children in the home have priority over your mom's needs. This does not mean you don't love her, it is just reality. If you need more affirmation, please read other posts on this forum under Burn Out of well-meaning, guilt-ridden adult children who tried to do what is basically impossible in order to provide "care" to their parents. They were assumed into this role. You cannot be assumed, you can only volunteer -- so you are not stuck with this burden, no matter what feels like right now.
The best way to move forward is to start by helping her get her legal ducks in a row. Who is her Power of Attorney? Even if it's not you, she must have one. She must understand that the only other option to enable someone to legally advocate for her is a guardian, and this would require pursuing this through the courts, is time-consuming, expensive and requires that your mom be found incompetent. Research and present all the options that are reasonable for you: moving her closer (but NEVER in with you), finding a care community that has a continuum of levels of care from IL, AL, MC and LTC. Then she needs to know where she's at financially: a 1-hr consult with an elder law attorney will help her know her options and plan for her future care needs. Then, after this is in place, she should have an annual checkup to see where she's at physically and cognitively so that everyone can understand how best to help her. As her neediness rapidly unfolds you may feel overwhelmed, but just eat the elephant one bite at a time. Been there, done that with my in-laws. Very sudden, very uncooperative, trying to assume everyone into dropping their daily lives to orbit around them in a very unproductive and unrealistic way until I put a hard stop to the craziness. I wish you much strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure out your boundaries and priorities.
There are tons of posts about Narcissistic mothers. Some have learned to walk away. Some are learning to.
These type of people don't respect boundries. So don't expect Mom to abide by them. You set the boundries for you. What ur willing and not willing to do. And its hard to believe that your daughters don't see this? My daughters knew their grandmother was passive- agressive. So understood why I felt the way I did. But, they will eventually see who she really is. Its "Oh poor Gma now, but wait until one of them says "sorry I can't do that now" and Gma has a fit.
Gma has been a showboat for short the rare short visits by adult grandchildren and the meltdown fit - things thrown or shouted at - has been reserved for only myself.
Hi there, thank you for your response and suggestion. I will... I've been very overwhelmed with all this, the manipulation, gaslighting, shaming, is really out of control. To the point, that my own daughters are now at her back n call, and of course Im the bad guy because I wont up n leave my home to care for Gram. I will read your suggestion because I need help and guidance, thank u again!
I love to say this: Someone has to be The Bad Guy, why not you? Narcissistic mothers have GOT to make SOMEONE into the Bad Guy b/c nothing is ever Their Fault, ever, under any circumstances, so accept the job of being The Bad Guy and be done with it. If your daughters want to be the Good Guys, it's on them, who cares? Let them take care of her if they'd like, until they See The Light (in short order) and go running for their lives. Then you can mutter "I told you so" under your breath and laugh to yourself, knowing full well what they were getting themselves into.
That said, I have a 94 y/o mother who tends to be narcissistic herself along with other irritating personality disordered & mentally ill behaviors which made me decide decades ago to NEVER EVER, under any circumstances, move in with her or have her move in with me. Period. Many moons ago, she 'jokingly' said to me 'for the cost of Assisted Living your father & I will move in with you and pay you rent.' I immediately nipped that delusion in the bud and said, "Sorry mom, but that's impossible & simply will NOT work for me.' That was the beginning & the end of the 'living with your daughter' discussion. So when I had to move them out to Colorado in 2011 to be near me as their only child after dad couldn't drive anymore, I found them a nice 2 bedroom apt in an Independent Senior Living building 5 miles away. After dad fell & broke his hip, I had to place both of them in Assisted Living in 2014; dad passed in 2015 & my mother is still in Assisted Living but now in Memory Care since 2019. She's fallen 65x so far *honest to God* and I thank God every single day I did not take her in live with me as I would have gone insane by now. She's well cared for in AL and when her $$$ runs out, I will apply for Medicaid to have her placed in Skilled Nursing if she's still alive.
Draw YOUR line in the sand NOW, before your manipulative mother wheedles her way into your home and ruins your life. Don't think it can't or won't happen b/c it easily CAN. Read these boards to see what I mean. And here's a good article on the subject that may be useful to you as it was for me:
Don't get sucked into the vortex of tricks these women have up their sleeves. They're endless, really. Protect YOURSELF is my advice to you. I do everything for my mother, from 4 miles away, from the comfort of my desk chair and my computer; all the ordering, arranging, financials, conferences, etc. But I get to live in peace in my own home with my DH and my dog w/o dealing with her histrionics & drama 24/7. It's limited to once a day for 15 minutes over the phone and once a week during a window visit at the AL if the weather is cooperative.
Wishing you the best of luck making your life a priority.
Well, your daughters are welcome to up and move in with granny should they choose. Perhaps her mask would eventually slip with them. You never know. Sometimes they just target one child. If you’re going to interact with her in the future and she goes off the rails, and the gaslighting is something you feel compelled to show them, then capture a snippet on your phone. Otherwise stay distant and engage with her at whatever level you’re comfortable with. Good luck!
She does not have the authority to dictate what you do. If she wants it her way, give her a list of local agencies that will provide the care to her specifications.
The best way to move forward is to start by helping her get her legal ducks in a row. Who is her Power of Attorney? Even if it's not you, she must have one. She must understand that the only other option to enable someone to legally advocate for her is a guardian, and this would require pursuing this through the courts, is time-consuming, expensive and requires that your mom be found incompetent. Research and present all the options that are reasonable for you: moving her closer (but NEVER in with you), finding a care community that has a continuum of levels of care from IL, AL, MC and LTC. Then she needs to know where she's at financially: a 1-hr consult with an elder law attorney will help her know her options and plan for her future care needs. Then, after this is in place, she should have an annual checkup to see where she's at physically and cognitively so that everyone can understand how best to help her. As her neediness rapidly unfolds you may feel overwhelmed, but just eat the elephant one bite at a time. Been there, done that with my in-laws. Very sudden, very uncooperative, trying to assume everyone into dropping their daily lives to orbit around them in a very unproductive and unrealistic way until I put a hard stop to the craziness. I wish you much strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure out your boundaries and priorities.
These type of people don't respect boundries. So don't expect Mom to abide by them. You set the boundries for you. What ur willing and not willing to do. And its hard to believe that your daughters don't see this? My daughters knew their grandmother was passive- agressive. So understood why I felt the way I did. But, they will eventually see who she really is. Its "Oh poor Gma now, but wait until one of them says "sorry I can't do that now" and Gma has a fit.
Call your
Maybe start by taking internet “tours” of facilities or in-home caregiving agencies.
Then, maybe FaceTime meetings with those who look like they might be a match.
Read, read, read on this forum.
Best wishes.
That said, I have a 94 y/o mother who tends to be narcissistic herself along with other irritating personality disordered & mentally ill behaviors which made me decide decades ago to NEVER EVER, under any circumstances, move in with her or have her move in with me. Period. Many moons ago, she 'jokingly' said to me 'for the cost of Assisted Living your father & I will move in with you and pay you rent.' I immediately nipped that delusion in the bud and said, "Sorry mom, but that's impossible & simply will NOT work for me.' That was the beginning & the end of the 'living with your daughter' discussion. So when I had to move them out to Colorado in 2011 to be near me as their only child after dad couldn't drive anymore, I found them a nice 2 bedroom apt in an Independent Senior Living building 5 miles away. After dad fell & broke his hip, I had to place both of them in Assisted Living in 2014; dad passed in 2015 & my mother is still in Assisted Living but now in Memory Care since 2019. She's fallen 65x so far *honest to God* and I thank God every single day I did not take her in live with me as I would have gone insane by now. She's well cared for in AL and when her $$$ runs out, I will apply for Medicaid to have her placed in Skilled Nursing if she's still alive.
Draw YOUR line in the sand NOW, before your manipulative mother wheedles her way into your home and ruins your life. Don't think it can't or won't happen b/c it easily CAN. Read these boards to see what I mean. And here's a good article on the subject that may be useful to you as it was for me:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Don't get sucked into the vortex of tricks these women have up their sleeves. They're endless, really. Protect YOURSELF is my advice to you. I do everything for my mother, from 4 miles away, from the comfort of my desk chair and my computer; all the ordering, arranging, financials, conferences, etc. But I get to live in peace in my own home with my DH and my dog w/o dealing with her histrionics & drama 24/7. It's limited to once a day for 15 minutes over the phone and once a week during a window visit at the AL if the weather is cooperative.
Wishing you the best of luck making your life a priority.
See All Answers