Anyone else dealing with a narcissistic mother with Alzheimer's?

You know your own thruth, always put yourself first

welcome to my world ,i feel i have no power over this situation,my aging narcissist dad is playing mind games with narcissist mom (alzeimer alcoolic ) and i cannot take her in my home ,so i told him she should be in a old age home. He does not want to pay$$$ so she will end up in a shity place and i cannot and wont save her.ill visit everyday yes but she wont be moving here. When i became a mom I priotysed my life and i will do this to the end. ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST !!! good luck!!!!

cwhite - sounds like she is a narc, and you are not alone. There are many offspring/family of narcs here and they are very difficult to deal with. Reading up about narcissism may help. A narc with dementia is very challenging.

Until today I just assumed that this condescending, even hateful behavior was completely attributed to Alzheimer's..
I now think there could be some narcissism also. Yes police have had to come, family members get the brunt of it as 'Mom' (my mother-in-law), SEEMS to put on her best 'face' around others, But not always! 'Dad' is still with her but his health is going down hill fast. Its so disturbing to hear the horrible things she says to Dad as he does EVERYTHING for her, we try to do anything that she needs, but she won't let him have a break, I swear its as if she is trying to punish him for whatever she thinks he could have done to her 40 years ago. I know she is scared, I always try to reassure her and tell her she is safe but I always get that blank stare..
I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just to not feel quite so alone...

Pand......Narc's are never wrong! It's always someone else's fault, or some THING's fault, but never theirs. Mine saw the same ad on TV about Xarelto blood thinner causing death or issues for some, so she brings it up continuously. The good news is, the assisted living facility doles out all of her medications, so THEY get to hear what she wants or doesn't want, not me. Can't you get your mother in law placed into assisted living or a skilled nursing facility? Honestly, it's best to have either no contact or limited contact with narcissists, because they're truly unbearable, so it must be excruciating for you!! UGH. When Alzheimer's or dementia strikes, it only takes their WORST character traits and EXPANDS them; the ugly get uglier, the nasty get nastier, etc.
Wishing you lots of luck with this awful situation and sending you a big hug too.

I know how all feel, except its my boyfriend's mother who is like this. We have been together for 10 years and he always told me stories of how narcissistic his mother is, her father spoiled her and her husband just went along with it for peace in his life. He passed away 39 years ago, and everyone loved him. My boyfriend and i are in our late 50s early 60s. Both of us had been married before and between us have 5 children who are all adults now. But it hurts when we have no peace from her, when we get up, she gets up. When we go to bed she goes to bed. We used to have a couple she could stay with if we wanted to go away for a weekend, but not anymore.... she hides some of her medicine and doesnt take it. Because she saw a commercial on tv that said the blood thinner could cause death, so we find it everywhere. The best part is she forgets that hid it so when she finds it, i have done this.... we had to take her and her medicine to the pharmacy to prove to her that i didnt put something in it. She wants her son all to herself, so i get blamed (only by her) for every fall she had, every sock that has ahole in it, and everything that she cant find. What old friends she had before cut her off short on the phone because there tired of listening to her.the part that really makes me nuts is when make big meals on the weekend she has no problem eating them, or when i clean and have to clean up her bathroom where she misses the seat. And of course it wasnt from her. At 90 years old she actually tells the doctor its not arthritis because she never had that before. Its really taking a toll on both of us. Holidays forget it, she has to be the center of attention and when she was still driving she would just leave because she wasn't getting attention. In 10 years i NEVER heard her say she was wrong about anything.

Yes. Let me advise you--than I will share with you guided thoughts why what I am suggesting is essential.
First, start being a diligent note taker...make sure you begin to keep and have ready access reference point all communication (s) which are best kept written on(in) a small pocket calendar for a quick record keeping of/for EVERY--Absolutely EVERYTHING that which transpires between you-n-your-mother. ALL communication written, succinctly from-your mother-to-you (i.e. phone discussion recorded as voicemail messages; text communications [these you can keep saved to your phone so make sure you go into your phone's settings change the number of text records kept to indefinite [not auto delete]; store emails in a separate file folder and START NOW--BECOME hyper-vigilant.
BECAUSE: I too have a NPD/Matriach in my family is the Queen and all HER (...our...) life SHE had a pre-disposition(ed) personality trait(s).
SHE was (...IS...) so proud of HERSELF.
Unbeknownst, her official diagnoses as Narcissist personality characteristics traits were played down and explained as a form of superior intelligence too which our entire existence was never fully definitively understood.
This intentional misdirection has been carefully crafted to keep others from discovering the truth. The contol has been crafting if Engineering and Manipulation ovef the course of time. Along with a medical diagnosis recently informed to 'the family' as being that of a mild form of Dimentia now excuses everything. To which is where you must stop-right-now and comprehend that your mother's mental faculties are no longer sane.
Do NOT think for one moment that I am being overtly verbally agressive and cruel because I am tainted.
Here is why:
This WOMAN (your world, my world and any other individuals who can relate) has been being pulled by the strings of manipulation for so long by the HER role in our lives....the Alter-Ego Mistress Pulpiteer or Queen Bee or Matriarch or Mommy or HER that #$@& is already cemented in every aspect of one's life AND has engrained herself as the product existence and beveryone has co-existed to exist with HER (yourself too) now must stop. It gets worse.
Not better.
So, stop closing your eyes to stuff... things you know are not right.
Like I did...like I had too.
Truthfully, I admit, I let myself be swayed by the what I would get out of things by holding on and making the best out of being berated constantly, enduring changing decisions and misdirections, observing astounding behaviour--actions of perverse conduct and immorale acts deliberately done by HER that shocked my every moral fiber causing me concern and to question said reasons for each occurrence too have all-glossed-over explained as some situational thing(s) where when you question 'them/it' generally either misdirects rationale OR redirects onto you as your a prude.
Further, I get I wouldn't have if you hadn't of something or another responses that makes me feel like I'm taking a cliff dive but too late realize I've fallen off the cliff and the crash is going to hurt because the deep water was drained but/and mid fall realize that SHE drained the water.
The constant repeat berating and the all-I've-done or 'endured' for you-isms twist your perception. You constantly question your self.
SHE consumes you...you're left feeling like an ungrateful recipient who's been nothing but a burden your whole miserable existence and the only reason you are anything is because of HER.
And, that is what it's like too one degree or another living with an insensitive, demanding-of-attention-woman whom is unrelentingly seeking constant adoration through extremely demanding influences to which gives no alternative but to accept or be left agahst and/or rejected after witnessing when you dared question HER personal choices the harsh consequences inflicted upon you are a baffle but,l because whenever she feels questioned or felt she was loosing her strong hold as the majority influence
she'd pitch a temper tantrum (phew... Horrific stories 'there' too that's for sure!!) Or,
sulk causing you deep emotional pain because truthfully, your helpless to the self-constructed world of Double standards and Distortions from the only way you've ever known whom is ONCE AGAIN rejecting you by abject ridicules to get you too concede. And you do.
AND,
when you attempt to introduce your true intelligence and wisdom or alternate from of realistic reasoning you get in return rejection and shutdown because even though you know that you've been down this jaded mentally unstable maze before you still try to point out to her the consequences of her conduct CAN ONLY BE PERCEIVED AS such-n-such you think will reach her if you just reason.... However, she is unable and will more likely become indignant and act mystified leaving you hanging in anxiety and insomnia... You are consumed by this EVIL WOMAN!
Who's drawing energy from you pulling her power trips and spinning re-directionsssss.
This Matriarch dominates every thing and you're caught up with the existence aspects of your world called life in general via constant and regular contact and interactive interjections.
Think upon those alterations too set-in-place pre-existing plans or situations you worked so hard for she'd oppose by whatever means possible to sabotage the moment...
Reflect your hurt or shame or embarrassment simply because SHE didn't feel acknowledged--was'nt the center of attention (but why couldn't you just have the one moment...) SHE reverted to what usually happens by ruining the mood-of-the-moment and spoiling the generally a special occasion you dedicatedly dedicated personal sacrifices via committed hours of time to meet your own vision and values and self-found joy-by-experience of doing-for-yourself something for you because IT WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND/OR was SIGNIFICANT TO SOMEONE (ELSE...mercy) IMPORTANT TO YOU.....but, because it was other than 'HER shine' at the most in-opportune-time she(d) always spoil(s) the special moment to deflate you.
PLUS,
she ALWAYs blames other things or other people for HER opposition or reason the alterations had they been her way would be better as always necessary. SHE'll proclaim the most ludicrous explanation as to why her displeasure typically by disruptive behavior outbursts as to her trigger ironically projected back onto you as being the source with that comes the barrage influx of holding-of-your-attention words and actions intended solely as yet a perverted twist being exclaimed with the typical righteous indignation and grandiose purported self evident way of expressing that she makes sure EVERYONE hears was the reason she acted THAT WAY to begin with too which was all your fault because inconsiderately you didn't include her in ANY of the planning which leaves you damaged.
THINK upon this.
THIS MATRIARCHAL influence always has an enemy and she is vindictive.
SHE is slanderous and holds the conversation even when you are experiencing a personal crisis (like the meltdown she caused you [hummm...yet again...] said last 'function' 'encounter' 'phone-communication' are you...Seeing a pattern-of-conduct [remember that term...]?
However, feel peace of mind...finally believe it's not just you.
How many times have you reached out to HER to be heard by HER so you could share a crucial aspect or personal crisis moment be it a life-altering something aching you to the point of feeling vulnerable to your core...something hurtful to your inner-being so painful-to-your-soul you feel (felt...) like you could die that sought HER out and confessed your inner most thoughts only to receive impatient listening, to be quickly interrupted having your words shutdown because the conversation was readily brought back to HERSELF and everything you just said was downplayed and disregarded.
How many times have you been told to "...grow up..." OR "...stop acting like a baby..." when you sought support yet was told by reminder that SHE has lived through worse.
THAN
suddenly,
SHE suddenly must have open appreciation and acknowledgements of her endeavors. Your not even being listened to BECAUSE,
SHE
is unable to be Genuine.
SHE always one-upmanships you. You
do not even realize SHE competes with you...AND...if you attempt to bring the conversation back to you she (yes, another awakening moment and sadly it's true...) will shut you down.
Because,
SHE has a unique way of putting you in your place by HER that you are the reason SHE is shutting you out by preventing conversation by telling you right now I have no time can't you see how busy I am and important (and just exactly when is good...Your Majesty...[the sooner you realize that it's NEVER you will discover a self-empowered healthier lifestyle free existence] because you realize the HER patterns) and your no longer influenced.
How many times have you been shut out and prevented speaking by being told to be quiet, stop talking you'll have to wait till SHE is done doing what ever. Where SHE told you that you were distracting HER.
SHE typically has some deadline or otherwise something that is prioritizing her time which SHE uses to reflect her significance and self worth.
Remember those times your persistently beseeching pleas to be heard be acknowledged were received with an onslaught of "...after all I've done for you...you selfish ungrateful youisms assault of words spewed your way when you needed affection and love [instinctively seeking Maternal affection...] the most? Call her later? We'll talk then.
OR how SHE pretends to listen to you but can NEVER remember crucial aspects [those life-altering facets discussed...] which leaves you confused... uncertain about your self.
Even though I too am conflicted knowing this and more... I never pulled away from the numerous times repeated abusive language and abusive pushing me away patterns. I remained loyal and respectful and dedicated. After all...all she'd done for me warranted my giving back whole heartedly. Or be rejected. Disinherited.
So, I stuck out being rejected. Let down. Insulted and talked about. Slanderous lies I made excuses for. Many times over SHE used me and outright profit-taking scheemed me but because of all-she'd-done for me... I quietly let it happen. Awe...look how happy SHE is to be in (my) limelight. Boy we're good together. No big deal right.
WRONG.
Wrong.
wrong.
Because unless you remove yourself by protecting yourself and knowing that she will turn on you again and again and again and again and again and again..... You may have your sanity and life distorted ti the point of assaulted condition and conduct by HER it will leave you indigent.
And maybe like me, fighting for your freedom of Life facing false theft charges sworn by Affidavit of Grand Larceny executed by Warrant. And you are arrested...held in jail hauled before a Judge and given a court date becoming a Defendant facing the Plaintiff... Your Mother.
In shock... Combating a she did she said she gave she took she knew no way to win game of mommies which by way of lifelong conceeding to her you've predestined yourself to loose because she'll have the upper hand of authority. Unless you keep adequate DOCUMENTS AND INFORMATION AND DOCUMENTATION records.
Always remember unless you can show her written word for facts controversial her stated libelous slander and have nothing to defend your self.
Think about how vulnerable that is.
The strength of you nothing without the control of another.

Lostinspace......sounds like it's time to put mother into an assisted living facility. This was THE best thing I've EVER done to keep my narc mother out of my home. She is still wreaking havoc in my life, as always, and it's worsening on a daily basis b/c she has Alzheimers and OCD on top of everything else. I've limited my contact with her, at the advice of the medical professionals, and I allow THEM to deal with her. She, of course, is SO much nicer to THEM than she will ever be to ME, so I leave them to it. She saves all her worst behavior and vitriol for me, and when I speak with her on the phone, I feel like I've jumped down the rabbit hole. I can't tell you how many days she's ruined for me, because no matter what I do, I'm 'wrong'. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Nobody can ever understand the horrid combination of dementia with narcissism, OCD and control freakishness. My mother seems to worsen on a daily basis lately, and now has frequent bouts of 'vertigo' and was just hospitalized as a result. Not ONE thing wrong with her physically(at 90 years old), but plenty wrong with her mentally. The worst part is the 'not knowing'.....is she exhibiting true signs of real dementia/Alzheimer's, or, is she playing her usual games? The boy who cried wolf.......nobody ever knows the truth with these women. As hard as I try for compassion, I wind up feeling angry & frustrated instead. The only way I can determine if she's ok is to have my husband call her...........if I call her, she's almost incoherent, full of self pity, crying and carrying on, etc. If my husband calls, she's doing ok and perfectly coherent. Limited contact is the ONLY answer, I'm afraid.
Best of luck to you.

LadyMiller, Mom has been on Namenda for over a year. We recently started Aricept, which has kept her even, but recently I asked the dr for an antidepressant b/c of her crying all the time and wanting to die. So we started her on Lexapro, which helped at first, but the delusions and accusations were still there. The seroquel seems to be helping. We have had some very calm evenings, almost pleasant. Not sure what I'm going to do without drama in my life....LOL It is a nice reprieve, but you always are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Know what I mean?

LadyMiller: Thank you for the suggestion. I'll see what the doctor says.

SueC1957, thank you for your concern. Mom has dementia of chronic onset of mild severity. Sometimes, she thinks clearly, sometimes she doesn't. She flip flops a lot. Her short-term memory goes in and out. Sometimes, hers is even better than mine. No, we don't have any family members in this foreign country. She lived here by herself a long time ago and that's why she wanted to come back. She has been trying to look for her old friends with no luck.

Where do you have someone declare incompetent? You mean go back to the psychiatrist and have him do it? Thank you so much for your advice. I hope to find the best solution for both of us.

Jigsaw: ask the psychiatrist about Namenda and Seroquel. See what he/she thinks. My mom's change in personality so far is incredible. And she used to be brutal also.

Lostinspace1: it sounds like you are on the right track. My mom, so far, is almost a completely different person. The edge is off. The nastiness is gone and she has taken responsibility for all she has done to me. She is actually nice. I pray this same progress will happen for your mother. I believe Namenda is the second drug he has her on. Feel free to let your doctor know how these drugs have helped my mother's narcissism if your mom doesn't improve. Ask him if it would be right for your mom. Everybody is different. My mom was blank like that too. I have side effects from previous chemo. My joints are a mess. My knee went out, I was screaming in pain. My daughter helped me up and my mother was completely blank. It happened right at her feet. She could have cared less before the medicines. Let me know how you are doing. I'll help in any way I can. This is a devastating disease.

Jigsaw, you and your mom are in a foreign country and your mother won't leave? Does she have dementia or Alzheimer's? Is she able to think clearly? Are there family members in the foreign country that can care for your mom? If she doesn't have dementia, you leave her with them, if they will assume responsibility for her and come back home. How are you both surviving financially? On the money from the sale of the house? That will run out and then what? Usually, most foreign countries don't extend financial assistance/help to foreigners like the U.S. (possibly Canada) does. If she does have dementia, I would try to have her declared incompetent in the foreign country and buy 2 tickets back home. I'm assuming you lived in the U.S., so all her medical services would be covered here. IF she gets sick in a foreign country, very often they want the money up front to treat her. I speak from personal experience, having put up thousands before they would touch my husband. You either need to get her back home or leave her there in the care of other family members. If YOU want to go home, as long as there's someone willing to accept responsibility for her, then go back home and start your life without her. This whole around the world "trip" may have just been a ploy to get you to take her to this other country where she really wanted to be. With her personality, it sounds like you could use a break from her abusive behavior anyway. Much luck to you. I hope it all works out for the best. 🙂

LadyMiller, Thank you so much for your kindness. I did take Mom back to the Neuro and no matter what the dr said, she says "I Know What I saw"! She told me that Mom will not be convinced and that she will try her on Seroquel at 1/2 dose to start for a week. She did say she was delusional and having hallucinations. When I got emotional and was crying at the dr's office, she just sat there like nothing was happening and told the dr she was sorry I was upset. I think she had a hard life because she talks about how her father and mother never paid any attention to her. She was hard on me and didn't allow me to cry as a kid, and I never measured up to her standards (I was 5 ft and 110 lbs) Would you believe they had me on diet pills at age 11-16 (it was actual speed)? Like I said I left home to go to college at age 17, and stayed away from home as much as possible when I was there. So we have been on the Seroquel for almost a week now and even though there have been some comments, so far so good. I'm really praying that this medicine will keep her calm. We increase it on Wed so we shall see.......thanks so much LostinSpace

I have an extremely narcissistic mother. I only recently realized that. She demands everything everyday. My life revolves around her. I cater to her needs everyday. It's been like this for a few years now. My mom lived with me for years so we have been depending on each other through thick and thin. She's shown signs of narcissism in the past but not like in recent years. She is 85 years old and the aging process has amplified her narcissism.

Everyday I prepare her meals. If I make a mistake or if the food doesn't taste right, she yells at me. If I did something wrong, she punishes me like I am a 5 year old. She gets so angry so often now that I lose track. Every other day, it seems there's something that she is dissatisfied or discontent and she blames me or someone else for it. The verbal abuse I can handle; sometimes she hits/slaps me and finds objects to beat me with. Sometimes, she just throws food all over the place when she is unsatisfied. When she's pleasant, she talks about herself... About how she was abused by her parents and how difficult her life has been and how everyone has wronged her all her life. Even I am a disgrace to her that I have been nothing but a disappointment to her.

Recently, I convinced her to see a psychiatrist about checking up on her memory loss, which she has now. They gave her some tests to take and they determined that she has had dementia for two years now. So that's why all this is happening. Here is the kicker, I allowed her to convince me to sell the house and go on a world tour. That was a big mistake. Now, I am stuck with her in a foreign country with no support and she continues to treat me like a child and I cannot convince her to come back home. I am glad I found this forum and that there are many people out there dealing with the same problem. I hope to survive this painful time of my life as many of you have and I can feel exactly how everyone is feeling. Thank you all.

Lostinspace1: i want to hug you and not let go right now. Sweetie, just two nights ago my mother accused us of stealing her rings. She was sitting on them in her recliner. I put them up so I wouldn't have to rip apart the brand new recliner we got her with heat and massage. Here's the kicker. "Since I wanted them so badly as to steal them, I could have them." If that doesn't drive a person insane.....I brought them to her in order to show her they weren't stolen. Then it was back to the, you can have them, in order to keep herself out of a nursing home because she knows she went too far. For the record, they're hers. I don't want them. They are put away so she doesn't lose them. I can produce them at any time. Okay. Number One: YOU didn't do anything wrong. Number Two: have a talk with her doctor and have him evaluate her for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It cannot be cured, but a tranquilizer might take the edge off her "unpleasantness". Or talk to YOUR doctor. Number Three: YOU didn't do anything wrong. Number Four: like my husband and me, the doctor may put YOU on tranquilizers in order to deal with HER. Give her the basics with little comment and walk away. Keep it up. The conning will start. The excuses will come fast and furious and be prepared for the guilt trip she will lay on you. During this time, take a step back in your mind and watch for these manipulations. It will help heal your soul. Watch for pitting you against your husband. Jealousy on her part plays a huge role in everything she does. When you and your husband go at each other's throats in front of her, turn abruptly and look at her face. It will tell you everything. I caught my mother smirking. My husband saw it too. He told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever tried to break up his marriage again, he would personally drive her to the nursing home and none of us would look back. She got the message. Other than that, she continues to try to play head games. No one can play with your head if you've left the room. Remember, you've done nothing wrong. You don't deserve this treatment. You ran at 17 for self preservation. She'll work you the whole time she sees the hurt on your face and continue to do so. Its her form of fun. Its sick and so is she. Present a united front with your husband. Do not allow her to destroy your marriage. I will put my mother out on the street before she does that. She can sit on a milk crate and wait for the police to take her to the nursing home. Anybody who disagrees with me, COME GET HER. I give you a week before her sweet as pie manipulation wears off and the FUN begins. Keep us posted. We are here for you. You are not ALONE.

SueC1957: your mother could have been my mother's twin. I never got a hug or love shown in any way. Yesterday she remembered my sister's birthday, but not mine. And I'm the one taking care of her. It was like having cold water thrown on me. We had one lucid day where I could have a rational conversation with her. Today, its back to her arguing for hours until I have a migraine. When she started in. I walked away. I DREAM about having a good mother. What a joy that would have been. I LOVE my child to the ends of the earth. She hugs me in front if her friends. I was voted BEST MOM at her school. When she was a baby, I held her all day and night long. Today, she is a happy and confident teenager. I am so proud of her. My husband and I decorated the truck and on one of the windows we wrote "We love you." I bought a big metal decorative sign from the florist and held it up during the parade for ALL the kids. It read "I love you to the moon and back". They loved it. You are right. Change it through your children. I once drove through a snowstorm with a blinding migraine because she had fallen while I was on the phone with her. I finally got all the way out there. Why did you come out? I'm perfectly fine. Completely cold as ice. She was rude beyond belief. Oh the calls, the calls, the drama, each time followed by a verbal slap. Nope. Don't buy in. She harassed me with her demands while I was bedridden with cancer. Get up get up, I need this, get me that, did you do.....That's a mother? Really?

Thank you all so much. I'm sitting here in tears b/c I'm about to go off the deep end. The constant suspicion and accusations against my husband and me are so hurtful. I remembered why I left home at 17 and never went back. I could never please my mother and now it is coming out in so many ways. People tell me to ignore it, but how do you do that? I have to work, so my husband is home with her most of the time. And he is getting tired of it. It's causing issues with us.

Oh Lady Miller,
The stories we could tell! Should we write a book? They wouldn't believe it if it were marketed as real life. Maybe we could sell it as a horror story 😱! Haha

My mother also shopped at Notdstrom, Macy's, I. Magnin, Livingstons, etc. and got only the best. The real,"I'm worth it" woman! I only got clothes from Macy's because she worked there and got a discount. I shopped on the sale racks. I once tried to bring a boy-friend to Macy's to help me pick out some clothes. She screamed over the phone," Don't you dare come here, his skin color is too dark. What will my coworkers think?" Wow. Even though I was only 15, I called her a racist. She was only thinking of herself and how she looked. No matter that this very nice young man was a human being like HER!!!


I worked 10 years on night shift at the hospital. One day she called me around 1 pm in the middle of my sleep, screaming that she had poked herself in the eye with a mascara brush. I tried to get my wits together in seconds then preceded to ask all the right nursing questions; if she could see clearly (yes), blurry vision (no), blood or any other fluid draining from the eye (no), pain (slight), able to blink (yes). Ok, I told her she would be ok, just rinse it with cool water. She went hysterical and demanded that I drive 30 miles to take her to the eye doctor. If not, she'd call an ambulance! I went. On the way, I asked her WHY she was so upset, since thousands of women have this happen. She had read that some one in New York went blind from a mascara brush in the eye. The ophthalmologist said her eye was fine, not even red. No thank you-nada! But "Aren't you glad you took me? I could have gone blind!" OMG.

People can't figure out why I don't hug and kiss my mother. Especially the caregivers in the memory care facility in Rosarito, Mexico where she lives. In Mexican culture, your mom is liked to a saint, most are very close to their daughters. Most Mexican mothers fit that bill. But it's hard to describe that, when you were never kissed or hugged through your childhood and adult life, the thought of doing it seems repulsive. I'm sure that's a very hard concept for adult children of "normal" mothers to wrap their heads around. My mother, as I said, would push me away so I wouldn't "muss" her hair. In front of people she would put a cheek my way while she sniffed the air. No pretense of a kiss on my cheek. Yuck! So you can imagine, when I had my son, I was down on the floor playing with him, hugging and smooching him at any opportunity. If he came running to me for a hug, I wouldn't have cared if I had on a white dress and he was covered in mud, I'll take the hug any day! You can wash up from those wonderful sticky kisses and put on another dress. Never push your child (and their love) away. Gee mom, you missed out on so much by being narcissistic. I don't want to hate you or blame you for it, so I'll just believe it was a genetic mutation that you couldn't help. Maybe that's what your 4 husbands thought too. I'm doing the best with her as I can. I occasionally wonder, "Will I cry when she dies?" How sad is that. I'll stick to my thought, "Live your life the way you want to be remembered and what they'll engrave on your tombstone."
LM, We are doing what God wants us to do. "That what you have done for the least of these, is what you have done for Me." So, I guess, this is holy ordained work! May we remember that during the particularly trying times. 😊

SueC 1957: thank you for the kind words. I could use them. You are a Godsend. Oh yes. We are in this together. I feel like you and I are orphans from the NPD Orphanage. My mother is 88 now. She's had NPD (narcissism) all her life and noticeable Alzheimer's starting in 2012. When I was a child my mother told me "Don't eat the bananas. They're for me. They were expensive." She bought Bruno Magli shoes, $100 an ounce perfume and got perms, cuts, sets at the finest salons. I got horrible homemade hair cuts and plain homemade dresses and brown bag lunches. She frequently commented to me about how stupid I was. My sister was so smart. Why couldn't I be like her? My sister was skipping school with her boyfriend and doctoring her report cards with A's using a typewriter. She flunked out her first semester of college and never went back. Mom said later that she thought by pitting me against my sister it would ENCOURAGE me to be smart like her.) After my sister turned on my frail mother, called her with death threats, stalked her and tried to have her killed twice, I became POA and took over my mother's finances. I invested well even in this horrible economy and in a few MONTHS, I made mom oh so much more money on her investments than she ever did herself. But, she always told me how "brilliant" she was. Now, suddenly, according to her "I'm smart". (Yes, this is AFTER I made her the money and continue to make her more.) "But how could someone like YOU do it?" So, I'm still stupid, but she likes the money. Narcissists are liars, master manipulators and bullies. As I lay dying of cancer at age 52 and only then, did she tell me she loved me. Once. At age 52. It meant absolutely nothing to me. Too little. Waaay too late. I eventually pulled through but I was still bedridden and throwing up every day and night from the chemo and her calls kept pouring in. "Now, here's what I want you to do for me. Call Reader's Digest and tell them they owe me my free subscription.....then you need to..... I still had CANCER, and she completely ignored how sick I was. She acted as if I was her unpaid EMPLOYEE. I couldn't even feed myself at the time. No help from her. None whatsoever. Just orders from her for things she could have done herself. I refused. I was living on ice water and orange Fanta. (In the glass bottle, it had to be in the glass bottle.) She continued to call and browbeat me every day with a list of her wants and needs. After two months of it and the start of the first of six surgeries, my husband told her, NO MORE. I was too sick and to leave me alone. Now she is incompetent. I am back to being her unpaid employee, however, its on my terms. And, after all she's done to me (and this isn't the half of it, you'd be sobbing if I told you the really horrible part during my childhood). I truly don't care what people think of me. She still has enough memory to play head games and deliberately try to destroy my family and I've finally realized that she never was a mother to me and she isn't now. She calls us HIM, HER and THEY. Its not her Alzheimer's. Its deliberate. We're her unpaid employees. We've never had names unless you count " you people". I give her excellent care. I somehow pull it out of my soul to do so, but there is zero socialization. She has pitted my family against each other and smirked while we were screaming and at each other's throats. There is no known cure for narcissistic personality disorder. If you buy in, they will destroy you. My husband and I both have our cardiac tests to prove it. We are on heavy tranquilizers in order to deal with HER. Now, my friends, am I just being "mean"?

I just read all 95 entries and realized that there are 47 other people that have "survived" a narc mother (parent) like I have. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone and am not "the over emotional one", like they tried to paint me. For some strange reason, I'm comforted to see this behavior neatly written and explained in 24 Catagories. I can finally put a name to her self-serving behavior. I just sent the site to my best friend who also has a narcissistic mom. How I wanted to have my mother be my friend or close buddy during my childhood but I was just "in the way". A girlfriend of my dads' spilled the beans when I was 11, that I was an "Oops".
What mother would put their hands up to push their own child away when they wanted a hug from mommy, saying, "Don't touch me, you'll muss my hair." That happened when I was 5 and I'm almost 60. I will never forgive nor forget that. Rotten stuff we had to suffer through as innocent kids. I try to do my best for her now, even though there's lots of hurt. Nothing is still not good enough for her, so now she just wants to die (only said to me). Well mom, you will get your wish one day. In the mean time, you will not have a response from me to serve your ego. Had she not been this way, she would have had an adoring daughter.

Lady Miller,
Thank God we have eternal life in Heaven and only another few years here in hell. Others can rationalize that our loved ones "have dementia" but the dementia is ON TOP of a narcissistic personality. The base personality doesn't change, confusion is added to it. (And someone wondered why my screen name used to be Thankless Job?) Maybe they don't have a narcissistic family member who believes you are there for their service, and, of course, don't do it right. We kids of narcissistic parents need to keep together. I'm sure we seem like the most horrible people on earth by what we say, but to grow up never being good enough, somehow damages a personality. And, in spite of that, we are still the caregivers, a testament to our indomitable spirit and faith. This, too, (one day), shall pass. I'm glad you found your coping mechanism. You are worth your weight in gold, even if she doesn't tell you that.

Well guys, I got a physical therapist to visit my mom. She immediately threw me under the bus. Fifteen minutes later she was dragging me behind the bus. Thirty minutes later she was driving the bus, wearing the hat and ringing the bell. Mind you, we built her a suite in our home. She has everything. She told him all kinds of lies. SHE (meaning me) won't take her to the doctor, this while he's reading her medical chart on his computer. THEY say I keep them up all night, I DON't keep them up all night, this as he's reading the labels on her new medicines for her personality disorder and insomnia. Nothing like a little backstabbing thrown in with the lies. His eyes almost popped out when she said that SOMEONE threw her Bible and BROKE it. (Maybe on her planet. Not on mine.) (I almost felt sorry for him.) Being a narcissist, nothing will ever be "good enough" for her. He told her how lucky she was to live here and how nicely customized it was. She ignored him. She went on and on about how brilliant she is, snore snore yawn yawn. He asked her about dates in her life, none of which she could remember. She looked to me and wanted me to give her the answers so she could be "right". She's always right. "No mom, he's here to see yooouuuu." You answer him. Then, she had a "dizzy spell". No more questions. Convenient. The minute I open my eyes every morning, before my coffee, and she sees me the complaints begin. I recently learned something valuable. I stopped buying in. She wants a negative reaction, then she can argue. I will not reward intolerable behavior. I simply give her breakfast and medicine, which is never fast enough. Then I turn on her tv and walk away. Her doctor is working on the situation. She's been a narcissist her whole life. He has his work cut out for him.

If there is gossip, then make sure all local police stations and health clinics and your own doctor have been sent the same information letter from you stating: names, ages, family relationship, medical condition and degree of medical supervision. It is up to them how they file this information, but this should cover you the next time that neighbours summon police who turn up. Keep an information folder in your bag and tell your mother that this is the information that you are giving out to anybody who asks about her. It will find its way to the gossipy neighbours too, but then they can be told that the police already know.

Thanklessjob: Thank you so much for your post. It was such a joy to read. I'm so happy for you.

Lady Miller,
I, too, love God and have faith that has helped me through hard times.
My husband is a walking "miracle", as he was brought back from the edge of death by the grace of God. He was on a ventilator for pneumonia, blood pressure 40/15 (normal 120/70), kidneys shut down, cardiac arrhythmias, etc. but survived because I took Jesus' promise in Matthew 21:22. (paraphrased; "If you ask Me for something, believing it will happen without doubting, you will receive it.")
I don't proselytize either but I'll sure give God the credit for His miracle when I tell folks of my husband's sickness and recovery. Every aspect of what I asked for has been fulfilled. And all because I believed that He would keep His promise (with His help). And you are a walking miracle too. Whoever says that miracles don't exist haven't heard about or been touched by the hand of the Lord. I'm here to tell them that miracles DO happen and I give God the credit whenever I retell the story of my hubby's illness. I'm so grateful to have him with me.

Onlyoneholly: your post is extremely helpful. My mother's doctor told me that she would die very quickly in a nursing home. They also wouldn't watch her as well as I do. She has never fallen since we've been taking care of her. I will look into your suggestions. My strong faith is what is getting me through. Just a note for you personally, in 2012 as I lay dying of cancer in the hospital with complications from a low white count and C Diff, I began drifting away. I was so happy and peaceful (no morphine, no narcotics, this was real) and God brought me back. I'm well respected. My story is true. My cancer is gone. That episode served to deepen my faith. Other than my husband, only you and my oncology team know about this (and are thrilled). I don't proselytize. I just felt compelled to tell you. Thanks for your post. It means a lot to me.

*LadyMiller* I'm glad you've set some boundaries. Your post had quite a few experiences that are familiar to me. The "you may serve" behavior, the provoking fights and not being aware of hurtful comments, ect. My mother is not diagnosed by her PCM, but by a counselor I've received help from, with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and narcissism. If you can research some books (eg: Stop Walking on Eggshells...) and related topics online it can help. One of the BPD's nasty traits can be provoking others to get angry, even if it's at the BPD person -- they thrive on it -- it's a self-stimulating tactic for them. My mother played tricks on persons as a child, led suitors on and then rejected them as a young adult for an example. Later in adulthood she picked fights mainly by phone with neighbors, family members, ect, My dad (died young too) and I bore the brunt of direct attacks in person. I did not fight back, I would just make myself scarce until I had to come home, then retreated to my room. Dad had a sales job that kept him away from home a lot. So, we each coped in our own way. Hindsight, I guess my dad really should've stood up to her behavior, but since I made myself a "model" student, there were no red flags to others.

My mother says it was tough growing up during Depression Years, but older sibs have told me that she didn't want for much. Her parents owned a store, and she could visit them after school and pretty much pick out whatever she wanted from the shelves. She wraps those years of "want" around her like a "pity blanket" and I've called her on it. She knows deep inside that she messed up a lot during her years of opportunity, but her BPD/ narcissism won't allow her to face it in a dignified manner.

So, I've had to just let a lot roll off my back and press on. Folks have alternately warned me to get her toxic-ness out of my life, and some have praised for me trying to help her live out her life. It's getting harder as I get older. It's a constant work in progress to balance her needs and my family's needs.

One more thought. You've mentioned your Christian household beliefs. Stick with them the way you know in your heart is right. Don't let her thump you with mis-managed quotes like "you know the Bible says to honor your parents." I often counter that with "God is watching and he knows the truth."

Part one: I recently went through much of this type of stress. Your health of your loved one is the focus here whether he or she is a monster or not. Yes, I said it. I suggest stepping outside yourself and focusing solely on that human being's physical health with your bible in one hand and your own daily dose of tranquilizers in the other. Its the only way to survive a narcissist. You will never make someone happy who loves to be miserable. They want to drag you down. I had extra issues before I even got started. My mother's neighbor seemed to think that she was entitled to know every bit of my mother's business. She used to arrange for the workers and "Go in" on tree trimming etc. With my mother. She cheated the h e double hockey sticks out of mom for 50 years. Her work was done for free. Mom paid for everything. Mom did not believe all these years this woman was a gossip and swindler. I told her over and over since I was five years old. Fifty years. It was like talking to a wall. Mom accidentally sat on her alarm pendant and the paramedics came out. This neighbor ran around mom's property screaming "She's got a gun! She's got a gun!" to everyone. My 88 year old mother has hips that are crumbling. She could barely walk. She weighed 85 pounds. She certainly was no threat. The paramedics called me second. They were very upset with the neighbor. Apparently the neighbor had herself placed on the alarm company list to be called first and I'm the daughter. Then she ran off with a set of mom's keys after refusing to give them to the paramedics. She had let them in. That was the last straw. My mother was no longer going to be the neighbor's entertainment and the neighborhood's topic of gossip. I took over. Oh, the neighbor didn't like it that my family moved in and I took over my mom's affairs. The swindling and gossip came to a screeching halt. Mom's bank balance got larger. First, I had mom's attorney come out for a family meeting. Second, I got an air tight poa and third, I changed mom's phone number to another unlisted one. I explained to mom that the neighbor was never her friend. She embarrassed her in front of the entire neighborhood and if she gave the neighbor the new phone number, I'd have her put in a nursing home immediately because we would not support this kind of behavior. I immediately had a security team out to assess and rekey mom's house to a master key. No more "Neighbor with the keys" business. My husband installed $20,000 worth of the same type of security cameras they use at the white house. Facial recognition cameras. The best. He put in motion lights all around the house. We put out a large tasteful no trespassing sign visible from the street. We hired our own gardening team. There is a generator to power the whole house if the power goes out. The security team made a separate key to the basement door and a lock that would take attila the hun to conquer. My husband alarmed the basement floor with a water alarm which goes right to his phone as do the security cameras. They put a realtors box on the back door out of view of the street. I gave the alarm company the box code for emergency personnel. I explained the neighbor's behavior and they took her completely off the list. The neighbor was furious at all the activity. She drove by constantly to see what we were doing, what we were installing. When we left for a bit, the neighbor came down to my mother's house and pounded on all the doors and windows. She scared my mother to death. Mom was huddled in a corner. She managed to call my husband. I called the neighbor and she immediately demanded my mother's new phone number. I told her that she would have to ask my mother's attorney for the phone number and she was not on the list of approved visitors so he didn't want her to have it. "Well why not?" "You'll have to ask him. She insisted that I put flyers in all the neighbors' mailboxes in order to keep the neighbors up to date on what was going on with my mom. I said that would be a great way for my mother to be burglarized. That I'm sure my security team would not approve. I told her that the security cameras showed her pounding on my mom's doors and windows, therefore, terrorizing her. If she did it again, I would call the police, report her and turn the dvd over to the district attorney. She was not to come onto mom's property again. She told me I had mental problems. I told her she had nosiness problems and hung up on her. Then I blocked her calls from coming in on my cell phone. All people having business on mom's property are known to my husband and myself only. Mom would invite jack the ripper in for a tea party. Her house is completely self contained. Part two: we kept our house. Our "Narcy" (narcissist) tried to con us into staying with her permanently. I made the mistake of waiting on her hand and foot. She didn't have to lift a finger. I did it out of respect. Huge mistake. You cannot respect a narcy and keep your sanity. They will want more and more and more....It never ends until you drop and can't go on. You will never please a narcy. My husband was at the top of his field by age 40. I had four promotions and was at the top of my field when I left to have my child at age 41. I'm sure you've had your own successes. Big or small, they are successes. You don't need anyone's approval. Especially, someone who enjoys making you feel like a failure in order to bolster himself. Also, a narcy will find your weaknesses and push your buttons to manipulate you into getting whatever he or she wants from you. For example, previously when the dementia started (unknown to us, she hid it) we took mom to florida on vacation with us. She got up one night seven times. Got dressed seven times. She insisted that she had to do her taxes. We didn't bring any financials. There were no taxes to do. All night long. Taxes, taxes, taxes. We had to barricade luggage at the front door and one of us had to sleep near the beach door. We were right on the sand so we had to protect both doors so she couldn't leave. The next morning. "You stole my bridge, nail scissors, mirror, comb, toothbrush," you name it. Everybody up!!! Start looking. I was fighting her2 neu +++ breast cancer. She came in my bedroom where I was bedridden and nagged me until I got up and helped look. I was bald, gray, stick legs, cancer port, bandages, morphine and narcy upset me so badly, that, I was pulling apart her bedding and crawling around looking. According to my oncology team, I was supposed to recuperate in florida. They insisted I go to rest. When my husband, daughter and I found the items there was no apology. Yes, this went on for six straight mornings. During the day it was "Where is my purse?" someone might jump through the beach door and take it. Yes, with all four of us sitting there. All day long. Over and over. My husband carried ten times more in his shorts pocket than she did in her "Vault", the purse. My husband secreted our extra cash elsewhere. She had us at each other's throats the whole vacation. We've had only two arguments in 16 years. It was satan's lair. After each morning's search, she sat at the table and placed her napkin in her lap and waited so that I might serve her, her breakfast. She never acknowledged my illness. Everything was about her. On the way home (driving) we stopped at a restaurant. Just before we enter "Now mom, don't mention your purse. Its not a safe thing to do." we go in. Not there 30 seconds. "Is someone watching my purse!!! There's a lot in it and I have to go to the bathroom. Huge decibel level. We're horrified. She did it at every restaurant. We watched behind us the whole ten hour trip home. Part three: she loves to argue. About everything. That is what is breaking down our health. It is endless. Its her entertainment. I had to start getting tough with her. We built mom a suite in our home so that our daughter can attend her honor's program at her high school in our town. No amount of conning on narcy's part was going to convince me to wreck my daughter's career plans so narcy could live in her own home all year. We're here at our home for the school year. Mom's house for the summer. We take shifts around our schedules. My husband has been in the er with chest pains. He, too, was put on tranquilizers. My oncologist told me my heart has been racing. My father died of a massive heart attack at age 56. They argued every day of their marriage. She talks down to me especially "You may serve." "You may clear." I explained that there wasn't going to be crystal, china, and sterling here. This is a biblical household. We eat like normal people. "Even jesus ate in caves with his fingers." her reply. "Jesus was wrong. There's nothing wrong with being better than others." part four: when she started her "I'm so much better than you are" attitude and called my child who has an iq of 160 stupid, I immediately drove her to the front doors of the nursing home and told her to either shut her nasty mouth or she could get out. My child is off limits. It woke her up for awhile. Then about a week later she called her fat and started the servant routine on her. Because of mom's hips, one fall could kill her. Her doctor is certain she will die very quickly in a nursing home. She's cost us thousands in medical bills for ourselves. She's been haughty, condescending. She always has an opinion about everything. Everybody else is always wrong. Initially, she tricked her doctors and made me look like a fool. They know better now. I've been through the whole gambit with narcy. Part five: how am I making this work? Her ego has shrunk. I stopped waiting on her hand and foot. If she doesn't like the food, that's all she's getting until the next meal. I am not her slave. I don't "Clear". I don't "Serve". I am not her entertainment. She is belittling and negative when I talk with her. I choose not to sit with her and allow her to bully me. I finally learned that the more accommodating I was to her, the more nasty and brutal she became. This is a christian household. If she doesn't like it the nursing home is ten minutes away. If she tries to destroy my family again. She will lose.