Am I alone in hating my mother? She is 81 and has turned into a nasty old woman. She has Carers in and is rude to them, all she ever contacts me for is when she needs me to get her shopping. I walked in today and caught her being rude to a Carer who was making her dinner so I told her to stop being so rude when people are trying to help her. She then said what are you in here for anyway? I hate to say this but I genuinely have no feelings for her now and just feel that when they get to this stage they shouldn’t be here. She is also telling lies all the time saying her tv is broken, then you go in and it’s ok. She also tells you things that have happened and when I queried them I found out they were lies. She just stresses me out. I just feel she is a burden and a pest and thank the lord she lives in her own house. Does anyone else feel like this?
Until a few months ago, Mom lived 2 hours away so my husband and I were doing the long distance thing with many hours of abusive phone conversations and negative visits to help her manage her life. We moved her to an excellent SNF nearby so that we could coordinate with staff and visit her on a regular basis. The manipulative behavior continues here even with the attentive 24/7 care. She calls all the time, complains all the time and limits her socialization and group activities.
Many times our elders will act out due to not taking their meds or med interaction, dehydration, UTIs, or the beginnings of dementia. The question is, "Has the person always been a manipulator and abuser, or has this recently started due to a health condition or dementia?"
IF it's not medically related, then it could be the lies are for attention and to control the caregiver as in my case. My Mom has had a way of doing this my whole life and I realized that I needed to limit my contact with her. Over the last year, due to her health decline, I was feeling guilty since she wanted to live with us and I knew that could never work for a myriad of reasons, so SNF has provided all that she needs and more!
Best that your Mom be evaluated with cognitive testing to determine her diagnosis and to help you determine your course of action. Protecting your health and your life is of utmost importance...not easy when you are being criticized and beaten down. And yes, feelings of hate do surface. Stay strong, you are not alone. Cyber hug.
Limit your contact with as much as you can. If she says something mean, tell her you'll see her/talk to her later and leave/hang up..
Don't argue with her. She isn't telling lies, she's explaining things the best she can. She has probably forgotten how to work the TV; ergo, it's broken. My husband gets things he's seen on TV mixed up with reality. He went into great detail about how the man was hit by a car in the front yard; only it never happened. But as someone in the group told me, "His reality is now yours". So instead of arguing about things I know aren't true, I've developed a whole set of non commital responses; "hmmm", " that's interesting ", "I'll have to think about that", " I'll check it out tomorrow".
He is currently fixated on the airplanes that fly over our house on occasion. We live in the alternate landing pattern for the airport. He told me very seriously that something big was going to happen because he counted 9 airplanes flying over our house. (It was Delta, Southwest, American, etc). I could argue with him but it won't do any good. So I just tell him thanks for telling me, so we can get prepared tomorrow. It satisfies him because he has protected me from something happening
Sorry i started rambling there. I dont let me husband speak in a ugly manner to his caregiver. He will apologize. It's usually when he's frustrated because he doesn't want to.do something, like shower; or if she tries to keep him from putting buttered bread in the toaster.
So I'm sending you some cyber hugs, because this is a rough journey we are on, and everybody needs lots of hugs.
Take some deep breaths and try not to let her get under your skin. Your relationship has changed and it will not likely improve, IMHO.
Is she getting enough help at home with caregivers? Or maybe it's time to consider some type of a facility to meet her needs and take pressure off you?
Your feelings may be a warning sign that you are too close?
How often do you see her now? If 5 days a week, try 2. If one whole day, try a half day?
Is the shopping task a once a week or are you expected to be *on call*? If so, *on call* can certainly grow resentment! Can you set a day & stick to that instead?
Does her local grocery store deliver? Could you phone order & they deliver when her Carer is there to help unpack?
Sorry for so many questions! I went into problem solving mode. Sorry if you only wanted to vent (that's ok).
You can't make her nicer... so basically, keep delegating what is becoming irksome imho 😏
So many things that you describe can be attributed to dementia.
Here is a video that explains what is happening in your Mom’s brain:
https://youtu.be/0BlZF_4EKp4
I’m so sorry that these things are happening to your Mom, and then to you.
It is beyond frustrating, and so sad and difficult.
When my mother speaks to me, it feels like a punch in the stomach. Every. Single. Time.