Need advice! Should I let my mom in memory care date a man who lives in assisted living?

In my opinion the man is a predator. She should not be allowed to go out of memory care with this man. Obviously she is not capable of consent with this man due to dementia. If she was in assisted living and not memory care it would be a differnt story.

You need to become familiar with how a psychopath targets vulnerable women.

He has already found her unsuitable in grooming by gifting her a beauty treatment.

All factors considered, I'd say no to allowing your mom outside of the premises on a date with this man. Being that her dementia renders her hypersexual, as you said, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. And what is a man from AL doing wanting to date a resident from Memory Care??? Highly suspicious in my opinion. If they both lived in Memory Care and wanted to spend time together, that would feel better to me than this fish story. I'd tell this man to get lost and then alert the staff that he is NOT to take your mother off the grounds nor is he to pay for any further services on her behalf. That feels CREEPY to me 😑

Memory Care is locked, on both sides.

Why is this man even allowed to get into the MC?

If someone is in MC, they cannot give legal consent. And, since she is not competent to give consent, you should not give consent, either. Your job is to look out for her welfare.

Hell yes you should “let” her.

No, this man should absolutely not be allowed to take your mother outside of the facility property. She is in memory care because her dementia is too advanced for her to remain at the assisted living part of the facility.
You most certainly can set some boundaries. Make sure the staff at her memory care is aware of this relationship and that this man is not allowed to spend time with your mother anywhere but the common areas of the memory care.
No going into her room or anywhere else even semi-private. She cannot give consent for sex because she is not mentally competent to. Her "friend" should also be told this as well as being told in no uncertain terms that if he were to go ahead and attempt sex with her, he could be arrested for sexual assault on a person with diminished capacity.

The fact that she is in memory care says that she shouldn’t be going off with this man, especially since you claim that your mom is an escape artist.

Why is he paying for her salon bill? I would object to him to paying for these services. Tell her that in the future you expect her to pay for her own services.

Can you notify the salon and ask them not to accept payments from this man? I wonder if he pays for other women’s hair appointments.

You said that you haven’t met this man. You don’t know anything about him. I wouldn’t accept any gifts from him because he may not be giving them out of the ‘goodness’ of his heart. He may expect something in return from your mom for his generosity.

Your mom is vulnerable and probably feels that his payment to the salon very flattering.

Best wishes to you and your family.

This is very strange! The woman is in memory care, but yet is able to give this man a phone number to call the OP? And mom is able to tell OP that this man bought her a haircut and style and color?

Why is mom in memory care? And are you really a guardian? Something does not add up. Your profile says mom lives with you? What is the story?

Absolutely not, and I'd be having a serious conversation with the facility administrators to know how it is that the MC residents are able to meet the AL residents at all. Memory Care should never be open to anyone else.

This is a first for me, a memory care person being able to go out of the home with someone in AL?

My step-mother is in MC, she is in lock down, and she is a runner.

You need to have a conversation with the admin of the home.

There is something fishy here, does not compute.

JennMc, it is not unusual for a person who has dementia to make up stories. I would arrange a meeting with the Adm Staff to gather more information regarding this man. Find out who he really is. He could be an innocent employee that your Mom has a crush on. Or not so innocent.

One thing that caught my eye was when you wrote "She says he works and has his own car." Really now, why would an able bodied person who works and still drive need to live in Assisted Living? That doesn't add up.

I came across this interesting back story https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-my-mom-who-continues-to-lie-433491.htm

Your Mom is in Memory Care. I think that it is entirely inappropriate to trust her care into the hands of someone, no matter how well meaning, you do not know, and moreover someone in ALF. That they are currently friends is very sweet, and I am certain she will be appropriately monitored during their visits.
I would go at once to the admin so they are informed of this budding relationshp. The visits, given your Mom is in memory care, should likely be charparoned. This is for the safety of all.

For the past 10 years, there’s been an increasing waste toward letting residents, even those with dementia, “date.” Sandra Day O Connor walked in on her demented husband holding another woman’s hand; she knew at least some making out was going on, but he was happier, she said, less lonely.

In your case, I’d say no to taking mom off the facility, but surely there are gardens or common areas or activities?

Communication with the folks that are responsible for your mother's safety is very important. You should regard them as your partner.

When you know of some risk, change in behavior, and anything that could go wrong, the folks at the memory care facility must know immediately, just as they should keep you informed of the same. You must alert those in charge.

You must get their advice. You must share information. They are professionals and have experienced everything under the sun. Perhaps they'll say that in this case this guy is okay and a sweetheart, or that he is a predator with a reputation of molesting vulnerable, easy, brain damaged women. Are his initials S.T.D.?

Peggy has a point. This topic was discussed not long ago about relationships in MC and AL. By law, you cannot make these people do what they don't want to. And if both consent, not sure if you keep them from having sex. As my daughter says, it happens. Now I don't want a series of replies saying how wrong this is or it should be considered rape or what about those who are bedbound. Just saying what my daughter has told me. Their are laws protecting the rights of the residents. Dementia or not.

But, I too would wonder if Mom is telling the complete truth. I would also wonder why a man in AL has an interest in someone who is has Dementia. There are ALs that allow those with early Dementia in. Maybe he is in the early stages. As guardian u have more control than a POA. Use it.

I would talk to the director and ask that this man be kept away from your mother. He is not allowed to visit her in the MC unit or her visit him in the AL unit. If there is a mixed social get together that to ask the staff to keep an eye on them. Actually if possible, deter him from being anywhere near Mom. And, please do not allow him to pay for her hair appts. And hope she forgets him.
Maybe a good thing would be to call this man into the meeting after talking to the director first. This way everyone is on the same page. Tell him your sorry, but as Mom guardian, you cannot give him permission to see your Mom. Tell him because of Moms history, you can't allow it. That you would appreciate that he does not pursue any kind of relationship with her. It will only cause you and the facility problems.

This also puts the staff on alert concerning this man. My Mom has a man pursue her at her AL. He told me he was caring for her. I told him he was not. TG my Mom, with Dementia, didn't like men or being touched. Even with Dementia I think she remembered this man from town and he had the reputation of being a dirty old man. I work with Visting Nurses and he was a client. He was always trying something with them. Then he was in the same Rehab with Mom. I told the SW to keep him away from her. She said he has a right to be anywhere in the common areas. I said true but if he bothers Mom, remove her. One of the aides came over and said, two aides had to go into his room because of the things he tried so on her shift, she will make sure he was nowhere near my Mom. I was really afraid Mom would belt him one and she would be blamed for being aggressive.

My suggestion would be to meet the man, and get some idea of who he is and what he is like (eg the work and driving issues). Then unless it sounds a lot lot better, scare the pants off him by telling an (exaggerated?) story of M’s past misdeeds and escapes. Say the law will be on to him if anything goes wrong, and he could be in serious trouble. Much better for him to stick to safe meetings on site. Getting him to back off is much less stressful than trying to control the facility or M.

I would find a new facility for my mom immediately. I wouldn't put up with that crap. If your mother in in a MC facility, I would assume it is because she doesn't have the mental capacity to take care of herself. For damn sure that includes being in a relationship with a man she met at an event. Our neighbor asked me if it was ok for him to call my mom and talk to her on a regular basis. I said sure. Then when he moved, he asked me if he could take her and show her his new home. I said sure, as long as I accompany you! He got the message instantly and stopped calling. IMO, a man that is that interested in a woman with full blown dementia is screwed up somehow. It is worth noting that the old man that wanted to take my mom to his house retired from being a Realty appraiser and the value of my mom's house is HIGH. I smelled a RAT.

I have not dealt with this. However, I had a friend who had severe dementia, who met a guy who also had dementia. Both were in the MC ward. Both were members of the sheriff's department, but 2 different counties and did not know each other prior to meeting in the MC ward. His family still had connections in the sheriff's office and vetted her out. Surprisingly, both specialized in the same area of the sheriff's department of their respective counties so they had a lot in common. The two friends were inseparable and both were invited together to family events hosted by their respective families. They never moved in together. nor did the staff at the MC allow either to visit the other in their room.

My opinion is that anyone in MC, does not have the mind to make sound decisions, sexual or otherwise. In addition, based on the people I see in my Mom's floor, none of them have the capability to carry very much more than a superficial friendship. I've heard of women and men exposing themselves in MC.

I would alert the Director of the facility about both of them. I probably would also try and find another facility for your Mom, unless the facility is really, really a good match for her. I would put him on the "do not allow" guest list. No, he should NOT remove your Mom from MC for any reason. When your Mom goes to the salon, I'm assuming that someone goes with her and stays with her the entire time she is out of MC area. If not, I would think that would be a violation of the MC agreement.

I'm not sure that I'd return his call. He's a predator.

As for your Mom, knowing that she is sneaky, I would wait until she asks before discussing anything about him. For sure, when asked, tell her that he never contacted you. Whenever she mentions him, try to respond to her as if he was a casual acquaintance. Hopefully, that will not set off the "escape" bells.

..and start looking for another MC facility. One MC facility that I know of, kicked someone out of the facility because their desire to escape was overwhelming the staff. Hopefully, your Mom will not get to that point. If you have to move your Mom to another room so that someone from the outside cannot visit her through the window, do it. This is way too scary situation.

As a Lewy Body dementia patient who struggles to understand safety..my moms doctor told us when mom wanted to date a guy at her place…”take away all her checks and credit cards…this man may be looking for money”. We eventually moved her away from him. I am POA she gets $20 to keep on her.

Does AL&MC usually share common areas? Aren't memory care staff supposed to be with the residents all the time?

This was an event they met at. So yes, they may combine the two units if there is some kind of entertainment.

I would not move Mom at this point. All you need to do is make the director aware of this man. Then request that he not be allowed to see her in her Unit or visa versa. He not be allowed to remove her for any reason. To me its logical to wonder why this man wants a relationship with a woman who is suffering from Dementia. There really is no reason for a person from the AL being in the MC unit. Unless, they have a spouse there, a already friend or relative.

You may find out Mom isn't the only one he is trying to "court".

Not a good idea for Mom to leave her facility.

Your mom is not in her right mind and can no longer make decisions that are in her best interest. If she could, you would not be her guardian. No, I don't think she should be able to leave the memory care unit with a man. He can go into memory care to visit her, but I would tell the facility that he does not have permission to leave with her.

He obviously has issues of his own, otherwise what dialog and interaction could he possibly be having with someone who is advanced enough in their dementia to be in memory care.

Let them be friends and let them visit each other in memory care.

I think this depends on a few things…how incapacitated is mom mentally? Obviously she is not that far gone if she can remember phone numbers, obviously remembers daughter and her guardianship , etc. so just because she isn’t able to live on her own ..perhaps leaving stove on and forgetting to lock doors and unable to manage her money doesn’t mean she is incompetant completely. As for the man, don’t condemn him before you meet him. Talk to him alone and also observe with your mother. How does he treat her? Is he just a sweet lonely old man , perhaps who has been married but lost his wife and now is lost being on his own? Perhaps he merely wants companionship …and mom meets this need. I am doubtful that the facility puts the MC folks in bright orange jumpsuits or hangs a sign on them indicating their deficits so he may not have realized her issues on first meeting. My dad had dementia but when out and about could fool people ..even doctors. He always had interesting stories to tell. Unfortunately he also loved to leave our side when out and talk to strangers , luckily most I don’t think noticed other than that he had no social awareness so would keep up a conversation long after the people wanted to get away! I always felt like I should have printed cards to hand them explaining his dementia and apologizing if he was bothering them and thanking them for their patience. We mostly had good experiences with that , except for one woman at a mall that insisted that Security detain him when he spoke to her and her young daughter. Anyway, perhaps your mother can still be charming as well. So, meet with him and see what he is about ..explain your concerns and go from there. Can keep them “on campus” ..he could order a meal delivered or if it’s a place with a cafe or the like treat her there. It could be that they can enjoy time with each other and share some happiness in their late years. I surely wouldn’t just move her to a new place which could be jarring to her. If indeed this guy is creepy and you get bad vibes then you can bar his visits ..which would also likely mean that your mom will be disallowed from going to the mutual events.

No I would not allow him to take your mother out of her unit. That’s a huge red flag. I would also discourage this friendship. What is in this relationship for him? I would alert the unit that you do not want him visiting her. She will forget about him in time.

It is sad but this part of your mother’s life is over because she is not capable of making sound decisions anymore. If it was another resident in her unit I don’t think I’d have a problem with it. But this smells big time.

Your responsibility is to be sure she is kept safe. That’s why you placed her in this facility in the first place.

Wherever my mom lived (in her 90s) she would always search for a new man in her life. It started in independent living where both were with mild dementia and he still drove. They lived together to save on rent until he passed.
It started again when she was still in IL but both later moved to different memory cares. I would bring her to visit him since his guardians never drove him anywhere. In both places, they were locked down. I would have to ring a doorbell and he could not leave. (My mom could leave because I was her guardian and on record to remove her, especially for her specialists).
During visits, I would be somewhere reading in the common room so mom and her BF could communicate. It was sweet but I never allowed her to be in his room. Both were just finding a way to snuggle.
Your mom wanting sex was similar to my mom in the early stage with her live in. If you move her, she may do it again.
You might just want to be present however, talk to staff. They encounter this scenario frequently. You might want to try with him just visiting but not taking her out. Howvever my experience with MCs is that if there is an entertainer, most residents meet in one big place in the facility.

Contact the management / administrative immediately.
Do not wait.
Absolutely, do not allow him to take her out of the facility / off the premises.

Tell management about your mom's past inclinations / behavior.
Find out as much as you can about this man. He likely does this / reaches out / wants interactions (sexual? touching? what?) with others there.

While it sounds 'cute' for a person to have a 'relationship' as they age, it is quite another situation when a person is in memory care ... (woman, vulnerable, unable to make healthy decisions in her best interest AND SAFETY), it isn't cute - it is an alarm.

A person in memory care cannot set limits or know when to set limits.
I am surprised though, if your mom is in memory care that she was able to give that man your phone number. She apparently has the cognitive functioning to do that.

I appreciate your concern and sensitivity to your mom - and not wanting to 'cut her off' completely of social connections.

* I would say it depends on how often staff checks in on her.
* Is she locked in her room? Does she share a room?
* Can anyone 'just' walk into her room, like this man?

Would you consider the three of you going out AS FRIENDS? [If you encourage this, which might be okay ... he will pursue her more when you are not there.)

These situations are NOT new to management / administrators.
Ask how they handle it with others.

Likely, there is no cookie cutter answer.
You must talk to management and perhaps meet the man.
Anyone in assisted living is still VERY FUNCTIONAL in many areas so there is clearly a major difference here - w your mom being in a memory care division.

Gena / Touch Matters

This is potentially a high risk situation for everyone, your mother, her " date", the facility and, you as the " responsible PCG/ POA) for her.

My best and shortest answer to your question would be " No". If she is in memory care, she has significant care needs and, her boundaries could easily be violated. Confer with her PCP, the facility staff and, an elder care attorney . It is for her safety and well being that " dating" not be on the agenda. Even who visits her should be closely monitored for her safety and well being.

My concern would be not being able to know for sure why he is in assisted living. There are those who personally choose AL simply because they want an easier lifestyle all the way to those who stay there past the time they should have moved to MC or SNF. I would question his motives... it could be anywhere from wanting to keep company to looking for a sexual partner. He also has no way of knowing for sure her limitations or motives. I would question why someone in AL would pursue someone in MC unless they were friends before she moved to MC. As others have said I would never give permission to take her away from MC for the safety of both of them. While you can not control everything they do, taking her out of the MC opens up so many more risks of danger. Your concern is valid.