While she was on the decline from dementia, my mother was living at home up until March. She'd say she was living independently but I was going up there every few days--and staying a couple days or more at a time--to do shopping, any other chores needed. etc. Anyway she's now in memory care at assisted living and is very down, lonely and isolated. It doesn't help of course that she won't do any of the activities but I think that's partly because she has this notion she "should be at a hospital, not a play place."
For the past few years, I've been doing freelance work, or not working at all, but I need to get a job, so I should be working on that. Yet when I visit her, which right now I'm doing every other day (or sometimes every 2 days), it's impossible to get out of there and I wind up staying for 4 hours. It doesn't help that I'm not working; makes it tougher to provide an excuse. If I start to say I need to go, she gets so sad, or angry, also gets angry sometimes when I have social plans (not nice but it's not her, it's her dementia). Anyway, advice on what to say to get out of there? I'd like to make visits more like 2 hours, 3 tops.
The long visits are not only draining, we often end up arguing, which isn't good for either of us. Thanks!
I did this with my dad, I also brought goodies to share and introduced us to other residents, while I offered homemade cupcakes, cookies, pretzels, etc. This made my dad very popular.
He always had something he needed to talk about, if I said I need to go. I learned to stand up, give him a kiss and say I'll be back later. Then walk out the door, even when he was talking to keep me there. It was the hardest thing to do but, it did get easier each time.
You are the adult now, helping her get to know others is like a parent taking their youngster to play group.
Otherwise... it's perfectly okay to tell her you have an appointment or you have to be at work, she's not going to know. And don't prolong things by explaining your reasons, just get up and *hug/kiss/luv you/see you on Tuesday* then go.
Good luck!
If so I am surprised.
However, let us say that Mom is dreadfully upset in one way or another with one hour visit. I am sorry. But you aren't god, you can't fix everything, and you have limitations and a life. You will have to tell her you are sorry and you will be back the next day.
Whether you are staying a long time or a short time Mom isn't liking being in care. It is worth grieving, but it isn't your fault and you are doing the best you can. This is WORTH grieving, but not worth the other g-word which is guilt. You are not at fault. This isn't your luggage. Mom has had her life and now you have one as well.
Your visiting and a long argument helps Mom? No. And it surely doesn't help you. Let Mom know you are seeking a job now, and you will only be able to visit an hour at a time. That you are sorry, but when you get a job that will even more be the case. If she cries let her know it makes you very sad to see her so sad, and that you will see her next Thursday (or whenever).
You have a right to seek a job
To do a job
To have a family
To have a home to care for, shopping, et al
To have a social life.
If you are unable to convince yourself of that with training yourself then I suggest a therapist and you likely would need very few sessions with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice for therapy; they are excellent at life transitions.
I am so sorry for all the grief and I surely do wish you well and Mom, too. Without you there enabling her anger and upset she may just get desperate enough to attend a function. As my brother said of ALF, "It's much like the Army, hon. I don't like it, necessarily, but I make the best of it".
Ask if the staff try to get her out to try the activities. Maybe you can be there to get her started then allow staff to take over. Its their job to keep her busy. I think 2 hours is enough. As her Dementia progresses, that can be cut back. Fib time, tell her you need to get to work. Never say ur going home.
1. Time limited #1: Set it up as you arrive.
Lovely to see you 😍.
I can stay until X o'clock.
Make this ONE hour from arrival time.
At 3 mins to that time stand up russle your handbag or keys, kiss & hug, see you soon 🤗 Exit.
2. Time limited #2: timing it right.
Turn up ONE hour before a planned activity or a meal.
Use the activity or meal to pivot to the door. I will leave you to X now. Kiss & hug, see you soon 🤗 Exit.
3. Engagement: setting up attention on the next thing. As you prepare to leave you place a magazine open for her, a favourite photo on her table, the TV or radio on, a drink etc.
The biggest hurdle can be your own brain. Really!
Because right now, who is in charge of your calender?
You or Mother?
Who gets final say over what time you leave?
I know it would not be "Please Mother, can I go home now?" That really would be a problem.. it is probably little hooks of manipulation from Mother that trigger you. The little "Can't you stay longer?" (with a sad face), or big sad sighs, or other more subtle signs that trigger your kind heart & you think Oh Gosh, she needs me, I'd better stay longer..
Thoughts??