Need help in finding a living situation for our mother who's suffering from dementia. Where do we start?

MJ1929 makes an interesting point about dedicated Memory Care facilities vs Continuing Care with Memory Units. I had never thought about that but am going to remember it.

I read on the internet that pure organic coconut oil helps people with dementia. According to the internet, you can put the organic coconut oil in your cereal, in you tea or coffee, and cooking with it in your everyday meals. I’m wondering if anyone has ever tried this for their LO for dementia and whether it helps with the dementia.

kosmith: A good memory care facility should be able to handle all levels of care, high functioning and less.

A good memory care facility will have the ability to handle all levels of care, both medical and cognitive. My mother's facility had very high-functioning people who were allowed to do pretty much whatever they liked -- read books, have TVs in their rooms, and they even had a separate common room where they could hang out, make coffee, and just be in a more normal world except the doors were locked.

Most of the residents were in the mid-range of dementia where they participated in directed, organized activities like bingo, trivia games, music, and group exercises but could do most activities of daily living like toileting, dressing themselves with some assistance, and so forth.

There was also a group of people who were at the lowest level of cognition and had much more hands-on care and very simple activities like music therapy.

I'm not a fan of senior living where you can move from independent living to assisted living to memory care to skilled nursing, because just as you've found, the MC portion seems to get the shortest shrift of the various levels. I don't think it's useful to have such a small group of people if they're all at the lowest level of cognitive abilities. Instead, a good facility should have dedicated areas where the various levels of abilities can be grouped together. No one wants their loved one to be subject to the abilities of the lowest common denominator.

Some people pooh-pooh A Place for Mom, but I found my mother's MC through them. They gave me multiple places to look at, and I found very similar situations as you have in nursing homes that were trying to be Independent, Assisted Living, and Memory Care all at once. The one I settled on far outshone the others as it is only a Memory Care facility. They were able to handle my mother's medical care all the way until the end, so there was no need to move her to another facility.
There was also

My BIL is in a group home in a beautiful residential neighborhood. It is completely secure, licensed, with 24/7 caregivers. No more than seven people living there.

Any person with dementia is potentially a "flight" risk because they can't remember where they are and where they need to go. Many facilities have multiple care levels in AL and MC. As the care needs increase, the fees increase. Nearly every facility my son and I toured prior to placing my husband had multiple levels of care. Assisted Living and Memory care units usually have different functioning levels of activities and care. In addition, every AL & MC facility we visited had a main entrance where everyone was greeted by a concierge. Residents who were capable of remembering where they are and where they want to go leave through the main entrance. My suggestion for you is to begin seriously touring possible continuing care facilities with AL and MC units as soon as possible.

my mom was not a flight risk but they wanted to move he to MC because they said she was confused at the dinner table and needed help finding her way back to her apartment. She never got close to the exterior doors but I didn’t want her in MC because she knew the MC people were confused. I walked through with her to look at a room. THEN they told me I needed to provide 24 hour/7 day a week care. I frantically looked for another place and praises = found one with the recommendation of one of my favorite nurses who worked there. I also took several tours and asked about the places with the staff I knew. It was helpful to hear the inside scoop on how places are really run. Mom did go to memory care but in a new place and I have caregivers 4 hour a day to be with her, help her shower, lotions, read, eat, socialize. They can take her out of MC and she eats in the dining hall. I later found the former place was trying to get less dementia residents and more independent residents and cut staff. The monthly prices went up as well. Suggestion: read the writing on the wall….they are going to get their way with your mom and for me it was very expensive to have 24/7 care (or move her to MC in the same facility)

Start with conferring with her PCP , primary care physician and/ or a geriatric specialist. She will need formal " level of care assessment" which her Physician can direct you to and, provide you with a Case Manager to help you navigate the facility placement options........

It sounds like your mother is well adjusted and likes where she is and I’m not hearing that you don’t like the AL or MC units just that you don’t feel she’s ready for it yet. If she’s enjoying walks I wouldn’t be quick to totally curtail that and lock her up inside either. What exactly is the facilities concern about this? Not all dementia patients wander or get lost, has she run into trouble with this in the past? Are they simply concerned because there is always the possibility and for their IL residents they don’t have a method for keeping track of them or has she actually exhibited other behaviors that concern them with your mother in particular leaving on her own? Maybe a sit down conversation with the two of you and facility personnel will help. For instance maybe AL is a happy compromise because Mom still has the freedom to take walks and participate in the same activities with the peer group she has but needs to check in or out, walk by a desk so they have better track of her. Maybe a tracker/call button she could wear would satisfy their concerns. I wouldn’t just accept that it’s go to MC here or find another place without some conversation since one of the reasons you chose this facility is very possibly the fact that she could transition through various levels of care on the same campus.

I would review other homes, some do a better job than others. The one that my step-mother is in, MC has 35 patients, they have group outside walks, they also join events with AL, movies and so on.

Her being a flight risk needs to be proven. If she is moved to AL she will need a time of adjustment. Work with admin to get her engaged in activities and helping others in that part of the facility so that she can maintain meaningful activity, as much as she is able and willing.

Another transitional option may be to keep her in IL but to hire a companion aid during the day. This may be less expensive than the cost of AL and your Mom may enjoy the company (of the right person). Maybe have them come in the middle of the day to help keep her inside.

Has she been checked for a UTI? THis can mimic dementia symptoms and is treatable. There are other age-related medical issues that can also create such symptoms and are treatable.

Is she currently on any medications? If so, and if she's having memory issues, she could be over- or under-medicating herself, resulting in mental confusion. Many are also treatable.

Going out in the heat of the day is definitely dangerous. Does she have a PoA? If not, you may not have any power in this situation unless you (or someone) becomes her guardian.

Clients come and go so the resident dynamic will change. Your other option is to shop around until you get a better feeling on how the residents engage in programs

Have you had a look at their AL place? Some are set up with the exit through the main foyer with a desk. Some are set up around a garden court yard where the residents will normally walk. Either arrangement might be enough to stop your mother wandering out on the road and away. Worth a check?