Need help organizing and distributing care responsibilities and tasks to other family members. Suggestions?

I agree with HelloImMinsu and from my own personal experience and from reading the copious posts on this forum. Your family is under no obligation to provide any help without their consent and without pressuring them into it. What you are expressing in your post is an *expectation*. I guarantee this will cause family strain, as it seems like that is already in the making. The expectation can be a cultural norm for some families of recent immigrants (like in mine). Right now the most important thing is for your grandparents to have all their legal ducks in a row: assign one or more durable PoAs, Medical Directives, Living Will, and Last Will. If they don't have this in place it will surely make the difficult task of caring for them needlessly more difficult. Caring for one person in decline is a lot of work for even 2 people, depending on their needs. Caring for 2 people (such as your grandparents) is way more work, especially if they have the expectation of aging-in-place in their homes because you have to add in maintenance, repairs, etc. Unless you hire outside help, this will be non-stop. And if your grandparents have chronic medical conditions, this will require expensive outside help.

It would be fruitful for your mom to organize a family meeting to talk about what your grandparents "hope" their care now and into the future looks like and to give all the siblings and their spouses a chance for input and consent. Prior to this meeting you should both read some of the thousands of posts on this forum under Caregiver Burnout. Many a well-meaning family member committed to providing in-home care *expecting* lots of things to happen (in terms of care and available financial resources) only to be shocked to find out this is not reality and never could be. If there is a language barrier with your grandparents that would prevent or limit them to outside caregiving, this also needs to be considered since this would definitely add to the complexity of helping them.

So, I also agree with Sparkielyle and Beatty about communicating specific needs but your mom should FIRST organize a big family meeting with her siblings and their spouses to discuss expectations and get input about willingness to participate, how needs will be communicated, even financial needs. This meeting should have a pre-written, short agenda that the siblings get in advance. The meeting should have a goal or 2 so that it can stay on track and be productive for everyone. This can be done on Zoom so that even out-of-town family can participate easily. At the end of the meeting you can express very specific help needs. Some will be 1 time, some occasional and some regular and ongoing. And remember it will just keep increasing.

Please, please go into this with eyes wide open. Haranguing family members who are not/cannot/do not wish to participate in care will be very destructive. Keeping elderly LOs in their homes so there is a facade of independence just means all the other participating caregivers will be constantly orbiting around them, which is exhausting on multiple levels. Caring for aging LOs can be a beautiful and enriching experience but there is a reality to it that needs to be fully understood. I wish you all the best as you embark on this adventure with your family!

Be specific. 1. Define what you believe the person needs for their care. Do the other family members agree or disagree? If they don’t agree you are not operating on the same page. Maybe they agree with the plan but say they do not intend to participate. It is not out of bounds to ask why - maybe they have issues they can’t or won’t share. That helps you set your expectation level and are forced to have another plan that is realistic based on your best efforts. 2. Clearly define what you can do and on what days and what you cannot do. You need to self-care as well. 3. If the family members agree on #1, who will volunteer for what and on what days. Make them be specific and get verbal commitments. Maybe they say they can’t help but will throw money at it (ie hire someone -fine. Ask that they find and manage that person too). What is their backup plan if they cannot fulfill that day’s duty? Finally, summarize in writing the outcome and confirm with all that what you heard is correct and they are in agreement. This seems very formal for a family but being specific and clear always helps. I agree with above comments - you Cannot make people be involved if they don’t want to be. From my husband’s man perspective, if a guy is involved and they see a problem is being addressed and getting done, they see no need to participate. They see it as no issue. Finally, from personal experience - if you dwell on the other person’s lack of commitment, betrayal, lack of love or empathy...fill in the blank. It will eat you alive and keep you angry. Disconnect, learn mental discipline and do NOT allow your mind to continue to go there. Stay in your lane. You only have control over your relationship with the person who needs caretaking, not theirs. It may break your heart to see it but you absolutely need to not dwell there.

To quote from 'Pretty Woman' *We say WHO, we say WHEN, we say HOW much*

You say who you want to help, when you can help & how much time you can give.

All others family members get to do the same & it does not need to be even. Everyone's life is different, personality, work & other commitments will differ too.

If you TELL folk what to do, you may empty promises back, build resentment & conflict.

But nothing wrong with reaching out! Start connecting to ASK the other family members to have a think. What are they willing to do? You may well find a few very willing helpers. If so, a shared calendar app that all the carers can access could work.

You don't. If they don't want to be more involved they won't be; it's not their responsibility, and it's very unlikely any service or app will change their minds.