Need help with mom in law with severe dementia. She's extremely violent towards me almost daily. No other home will accept her. Advice?

Question?
Does she act the same way towards your husband or just you?

You should deffiently get a hold of the Dr again and tell him exactly what's going on and that he needs to try another med or a stronger sedative.

Sad and last resort. But You might have to start using restraints.

Or, if she can get out of bed to break windows and physically attack you, then she should be able to go to the bathroom by herself and eat by herself , ect am I correct?

You should board up the Bedroom window where she can't break it and keep her bedroom door locked except when you deliver her food.

Her bedside toilet pail can be emptied by your husband.

In the meantime while you're having to be in the room, keep your distance from her.

You may try playing soothing music in her room that she use to like and have a TV for her to watch mounted up on the wall like in a Hospital Room.

Do not get in her way. When she hurts herself call for an ambulance and never, ever bring her home again. She belongs in a geriatric psychiatric hospital and not in your home. What are you waiting for - for her to punch you in the face and break your eye socket, jaw and/or nose? What makes you believe that you have to be her caregiver at all? Your husband seems oblivious and uncaring toward you.

Obviously, she is not on the right medicine.

I'm wondering if you press charges against her would the system intervene and give her the help she needs?

I know you may not want to but I know you are tired of begging for help.

Why not contact the local TV station and have them investigate why the government will not put her in a psychiatric hospital. Believe me, once it gains public notice they act fast.
Why not contact a lawyer and have him or her investigate it with a possible law suit for reckless endangerment on your behalf.

U must get your husband on board to do this. The reality is hospitals cannot discharge without a safe discharge plan. Before you speak with hospital staff research the safe discharge laws in your state on google. U do not need a lawyer to accomplish this.
Tell them you can no longer keep her safe in your home and refuse to have her return to your home..
The next time you send her for evaluation, when they call you to pick her up, quote safe discharge law in your state to them and refuse. Document who you speak with and ask for supervisor and explain to them also and refuse to pick her up or have someone send her home.

Horrible and you must NOT tolerate this. I would (l) call the police that she has attacked you, etc. so it is on record and (2) call an ambulance for help. You MUST GET HER AWAY FROM YOU INTO A HOSPITAL - From there she an be put into a psych ward. No matter what, do what you must to protect yourself before it is too late. She is not only sick, she seems pure evil.

Well, we slept late and you clearly have the short and sweet answer...with which I agree, but dear god....I cannot believe all that you have tolerated and the physical pain and suffering, not to mention the emotional you have endured, especially as a daughter in law, and not even her daughter...I don't know if I would have gone beyond the first injury. Yours is the story that make many of us feel relieved and think how lucky we are at how much worse things could be. It is amazing how strong they can be. She is clearly a danger to herself and others (you), so if nothing else works you can call Adult Protective. Can't help but wonder where your husband is in this picture, or how you manage to get any work done since your profile mentions working from home. It could be she is having a reaction to the current medication and needs a different one. I might also suggest finding a local neurologist and/or psychiatrist who specializes in dementia, maybe touch base through the local Alzheimer's Assn...even if you only go to 1 or 2 support group meetings the attendees can be a wealth of info and resources. And once she is in a safe place, I'd say take a vacation...but with the damn virus...I know....Bless you for all you've done and do....many hugs. PS...we're still able to get my mom (98 a week from today) to get her hair "done" most times (every two weeks as it's as often as we can deal with the stress of getting her to go). A nail person is in the next room and fortunately we can get her nails filed only...if it were me...I'd do it as a mitzvah...but this person charges $18. I'm just grateful for the easy option and would gladly pay more because she sure as heck wouldn't allow me or dad to do it. Let us know how it goes....it's not good for you to be frightened for your own well-being. I'm not sure I'd even be alone with her...

One question? Are you living in HER home or is your MIL living in YOUR home? This makes a huge difference. If it's her home and no doctors find her incompetent, it's you and/or your husband that need to move out. Your husband may need to get POA and medical POA if he wants to make medical and/or financial decisions for her. Only with these legal papers, can you move her to a Nursing facility or other homes. If not, you and he have no jurisdiction over her. If it's your home, you can ask doctor to admit her to hospital for thorough evaluation on her physical and mental capacity. Then, you can refuse to pick her up and the State will have to figure out where to place her. Might find a home to put her in. I was caregiver for both my Grandparents who had Alzheimer's but at different times. They would become violent sometimes with each other, my grandfather lashing out within the disease and my grandmother defending herself. This is when, I had to place my grandfather in a Hospice Home.
The important thing to remember is that this is your MIL and the mother who raised your husband. Dementia or Alzheimer's is a terrible disease that attacks the mind and completely changes a sane person. This is not the same MIL, but her body and mind taking over by a disease. Please keep this in mind. I have done caregiving also with my Mom, who had a stroke and some cognitive issues that come and go with her stroke symptoms. I remind myself daily, that this is still my Mom who l love and she loves me and I want to do what's best for her and myself. I'm still caring for her and will continue to until the point that I physically or even mentally can't do that properly anymore. As with any patient with a cognitive disease, they didn't ask for this either. Their mind slipping away, being in a black fog of not remembering. It is horrible on their side too.
Everyone is right about checking on medications and also how different medications react to each other and the diet. Sometimes, switching up medications and diets make a huge difference.

You have been put in a very difficult situation, many of us know what it's like. You haven't given much info on your MIL's diagnosis, if she is seeing a neurologist as well as her GP and where you and you husband stand with regard to power of attorney, and if one of you accompanies her to appointments.

If your MIL has Alzheimer's, she is likely experiencing BPSP, behavioral and phycological symptoms of dementia. Her GP should check her for things that might be causing or contributing to distress, such as UTI, joint pain, constipation, thyroid, etc. She should have an MRI. Once such potential issues are eliminated, a number of antipsychotic drugs are often prescribed. This may be what you are referring to when you say, "she is on medication". You need to know what she is taking, the dosage and whether she is actually taking it as prescribed.

Your MIL cannot control her behavior, parts of her brain are malfunctioning due to the disease. She is as miserable as you are. The various drugs prescribed in the US sometimes work, sometimes don't. They are not intended for dementia behavior issues and can have concerning side effects.

Your journey is just beginning. Things will get much more complicated if/when your MIL becomes incontinent, unable to communicate, unable to prepare food or eat on her own. The aberrant behavior does not stop.

This is extremely controversial, particularly in the US, where it is Federally illegal. Research is being conducted around the world on cannabis and it's ability to mitigate these behaviors. A synthetic form, Sativex, is being studied in nursing homes in Israel. It's being used for MS patients as well. Availability of cannabis products are limited in the US and I don't think Sativex is known or being prescribed. There are a variety of full spectrum cannabis products available in some legal states.

I'm using a tincture for my wife who has advancing Alzheimer's. It's 1 to 1 THC and CBD, not the hemp CBD sold on convenience store counters. I use a very small dose, 0.25ml THC / 0.25ml CBD. It can be put on food or placed under the tongue. Each dose lasts about 3.5hrs. This has changed her life. Upbeat, happy, compliant, engaged, singing to music and speaking in complete sentences at times. A months supply costs about $75/oz where I am. There are edibles, vapes, etc. After a year of trying alternatives, the tincture works well in my situation. The dose and administration can take some experimenting for each individual. The alternative is pharmaceutical restraint with the potential side effects, and perhaps, minor reduction in the patients anxiety.

I'm not a beginner. I've been a full time caregiver for 5 years. We have been through clinical trials, studied and tried various supplements, taken the typical pharmaceuticals prescribed, seen numerous physicians and neurologists. My wife was the picture of health, setting national track records in her 50's, an NCAA hall of famer and a former corporate executive. We are not the type to fall for "snake oil" and there is plenty of that out there for those of us that are desperate for help. It was with great caution and trepidation that I tried the cannabis. It was an instant game changer for us. A year later, I find I need a slight increase in dosage and I need to be on time, every 3.5hrs.

Good luck, you have a lot of work ahead starting with the paperwork, informing your husband and family and coming up with a plan for the future that doesn't put the burden completely on you. At this point, somebody needs to take the reins, make the gravity of the situation fully understood and look at the issues without the emotional involvement you currently feel. If you can get the behavior under control, things will be easier.

First off, it's time for you to stop being her caregiver. Her husband must be made to understand that she needs to be put into a nursing home at this point because in-home care is no longer an option for them.

She must be checked for UTI immediately! If not dealt with, they quickly escalate to aggression and violent behaviors in our elders.

Call 911 and send her to the hospital ASAP. Call it altered mental status and REFUSE to bring her home. Ask for a social worker at the hospital to try and place her somewhere. You cannot endure this any longer. Sorry but your husband deserves a good hard kick for allowing this abuse to continue.

wow, sorry to hear this, well when you call 911 and then they go to release her.......tell them NO.......you cannot take care of her anymore and that they will have to place her.  YOU CAN REFUSE to take her back home and your hubby should be backing you 100%.  You haven't said whether she acts that way with your hubby.  I don't understand why a MC or NH won't take her.  they have ways and meds to keep her calm.  Its sad to say that, but apparently she is going thru the "nasty" stage of dementia........I think it happens to all.  My father would pick up his walker and shake it in the air (my mom told me this).  He also called the cops (mom not knowing this) and said he was only being fed burnt toast and water.  They came and talked to me along with my parents.  dad was calmer then.  So its one of the stages but you should NOT have to put up with the abuse even if she doesn't remember doing it or having control over it.  It would be terrible if she hit you with something and knocked you out and your hubby came home to find you lying on the floor.  Contact office of aging or again or get a doctors written paper indicating the meds she is on and that they are not working, REFUSE to take her back home.  I am wishing you luck.........

Since your MIL's behavior changed just recently, it is quite possible that she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Behavioral changes are one of the signs/symptoms of an elderly person having a UTI. You need to get her to the doctor ASAP so that he/she can check for a UTI and start her on an antibiotic.

Yes I am wondering if MIL acts that way with her son too?

When the next transfer to hospital is done, what is the barrier to Harmony refusing to allow discharge home? Her own thoughts she must continue? Lack of confidence to stand up to hospital staff?

If she DID refuse discharge, would her DH overrule & allow MIL home? Or would he lay on the guilt & pressure?

A solution will work best if the OP & her husband are united. Best plan: a loving couple working together, acknowledging they need more help & seeking it.

Alternative plan: Harmony has to leave. Leave MIL, home & marriage for her own safety. It does come to this in many households - before the husband opens his eyes.

You’ve had lots of good advice about constructive things to do, and you haven’t got back to report or say what you intend to try. If you feel that it’s impossible for you to do anything, I’d (for once) go along with Shad. Walk out of the house yourself to run an errand, and unfortunately forget to close the front door properly. What happens next doesn’t involve you. If you get accused of being irresponsible, make it clear that everyone else is being irresponsible too.

This situation is heartbreaking and unhealthy. There are some very good suggestions here. However, you are truly at risk for continued injury. I hope you remove her or yourself from the living situation. It concerns me that your husband allows this abuse to continue in the home. You are an adult tolerating abuse and caring for a very ill person. You need to live in peace/safety and she needs to live in a facility with trained staff.

As I commented in agreement with someone else, pack your things, have a plan for a place to stay, have a discussion with your husband about this being an untenable situation. Make it clear that either he deals with it or you will leave.

If he dismisses it or doesn't plan to do anything about it, then LEAVE when he is home with her. Let HIM deal with it, it is HIS mother. DON'T fall for any excuses or blame laid on you. Stand firm that either she goes or you do, and follow through if you have to. Your life may depend on it.

Hopefully you can get her in a memory care, I would try everything to not bring her home.
If she comes back home, you will have to secure the home, as you would for a two year old for everyone’s safety. Magnetic locks on all Cubbard doors, locks on all inside doors, for your security, knives, sharp objects, breakables if any kind put away, we even rented a small
rental unit, to make the house safe. My Mother was put on
an anti anxiety/ antidepressant, Celexa, Seraquil, an anti psychotic, 10 mg melatonin 3 times daily, a sleep pill, Trazadone, and an emergency tablet to calm her, if necessary. We call them vitamins to keep her health and younger. She went from being violent, to calm and more pleasant. Medicade paid for a helper Parttime, so we could leave the house. You must take care of yourself and spouse first, before you can give to her, get in a good support group, they offer many resources.

It sounds as if she’s having an adverse reaction to her meds. Seroquel caused a psychotic break in my father that he never fully came back from. Look to see if there is a geriatric psychiatric facility that will keep her and find meds that will work. ERs do not want to keep elders who can become confused and even more violent in an unfamiliar environment. Also, seek advice from Adult Protective Services. They can guide you to available alternatives.

Please call 911 and say she is a danger to herself and others and needs psychiatric hospitalization. In the hospital they will try medications which will a) calm her b) be a possible anti-psychotic which will limit delusional thinking. When the hospital wants to send her home to her AYOU ABSOLUTELY MUST REFUSE TO TAKE HER HOME. I know that sounds harsh but we have been through this and once hospitalized, it will be up to the hospital to find a home for her. You have my sympathy but my mother-in-law became settled and sweet after placement.

I would be terrified too! This is NOT OK. No one should live like this!

She needs a major medication change and/or needs to move ASAP.

What a horror! I feel so bad for you. When my Dad got "combative" with staff in a nursing home he was in, they found him placement in an ALZ. unit. He didn't technically have ALZ., but the staff there knew how to handle the patients, how to calm them down, how to deal with the different things that ALZ. presents. And when it comes down to handling patients who are our relatives, I am a believer in the magic of staff people who are patient but anonymous, in a sense. My mother and I were at each other's throats till I got her a nice room in an AL facility. She wouldn't bathe for me, but she would for the nice gals who worked there. Taking the old, family resentments off the table by getting them care in appropriate facilities worked for both of my parents. My Dad has passed away but my mother is going strong at 96. And she loves it there!
Good luck.

Imho, this living dynamic is not working. Your life is in potential peril with you being attacked by your MIL, a strong woman albeit with a broken brain. This living arrangement must be amended now! Prayers sent

Oh no no no
Call your Office on Aging or a County Board of Social Services and speak with the social worker
Your in danger and your mil needs specialized treatment. If they can’t control her behavior with medication she belongs in a psychiatric facility.
Shes a danger to your family and herself,
Dont let this go call 911 when she acts out
I can’t believe it’s not taken more seriously at the hospital

If your a danger to self or others you need psychiatric care

As mentioned in an earlier post, MIL's bizzare behaviors could be a side effect of current meds or UTI. My mom has similar behaviors on a newly introduced med to help with extreme violence toward & abuse of CG and trying to run away! And my mom is also very strong.
CG stopped new medication, and we're trying an herbal supplement and she's finally calm. Please continue telling Dr. They need to help you BOTH find a solution. You don't deserve to be continually abused. Put your safety and well-being first ASAP. Hugs 🤗.

First of all, the next time she attacks you, immediately call the police so a report is filed. Also try calling 911 for help to get her to the hospital. Once she is there, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO N O T, NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID OR DONE TAKE HER BACK HOME. If your husband objects, be prepared to leave the house for a while and stay away to force him to take care of her and stay away from work or give in and have her placed. I don't see any other way except to say she is too dangerous for her to be around you - you are afraid and she has harmed you badly. Stand your ground.