Early last yr my mom passed away unexpectedly at 78. She and my dad were married for 60 yrs. I couldn't bear seeing him by himself so, I stayed at his house. I have a house 5 min away with my significant other of 25 yrs.
My dad is 82 and tore a tendon in his foot and has fallen 6x last yr. I'm very worried leaving him alone but sometimes just need a little time to myself. He is struggling financially as am I since losing my job 2 months after my Mom passed.
I wanted all of us to live together but he is not fond of my partner and it is very uncomfortable when they are together. I never knew of his feelings and guess my mom was the buffer.
He is starting to ask the same questions and starting to be forgetful.
My question is how do I look for work, work, maintain 2 houses and try and make my dad and partner happy at the same time? Dont want to ignore either one but my dad doesn't seem to care if I left my partner and went back to living in his house.
I need some of my old life and don't know how to w/o hurting my dad. Thx for listening.
Application process needs to be started.
You need to live at home.
You say your father has fallen many times. Check on him daily. Next time there's a fall, call EMS and have him removed to hospital.
Call in Hospital Social Workers for placement. He will need a neuro-psyc consult. I would caution you not to become his POA. Tell the social workers he is unsafe at home and living with you is not an option, that you are now seeking work, and he cannot get along with your husband.
My parents were married well over fifty years. It is heartbreaking when a person loses a longtime spouse. I do empathize. It does concern us when this happens. My mother grieved for my father but she wasn’t ever stuck in a particular stage of grief.
I looked after my mother when dad died but I didn’t offer to spend the night at her home. Nor did she ask me to. She knew that she could call me or 911 if she needed to.
Years later mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina and did move in with us. Even though it was fine in the beginning, it became challenging later on.
Please look at what the future holds for your dad. It’s a mistake to act impulsively due to our emotions shortly after a death.
If your dad is in need of care, consider calling Council on Aging in his area. They will assess his needs and tell you if he qualifies for assistance. They can also advise you on how to proceed should he need permanent care at a facility.
If you decide to get an alert pendant for him to wear, place a lockbox outside his front door with a code so that the emergency personnel can enter his home.
All the best to you and your father.
Your partner of 25 years is the priority over your father. This doesn't mean you don't love your Dad. There's a solution for him, and it is called Assisted Living.
But if he's living with you and still "struggling financially" he won't be able to afford AL.
Are you his PoA? I'm asking because if not, they things can get very messy as his dementia progresses... he may not stay your sweet ol' dad because dementia changes people, often for the worse.
If you aren't his PoA (and he does't have anyone assigned) I would try hard to get him to do this. If his memory impairment is only mild, he probably still has legal capacity to assign a PoA (the attorney will determine this and fyi the bar is low).
Then you may want to consult with either an estate planner or Medicaid Planner for your state. Another option is to contact social services for your county to see if he qualifies for some in-home help.
Most states' Medicaid programs only cover LTC and not AL or MC, but you should check for yourself. Most states' Medicaid "look back" period on the financial app is 5 years, but again check for your state. LTC is assessed by a doctor as medically necessary.
Also, please research whether you are protected in the case that your long-time partner pre-deceases you. Many women are shocked when they find out that their state doesn't recognize "common law" marriages and therefore impacts inheritances, etc. It differs by state so please look into it for yours if you haven't already done so.
Feels natural to gather family in close afterwards. Protect each other. Now you are feeling the pull of your own life again. Also quite natural.
I'm sure you have been a great support to your Dad as he started adjuating to life without your Mom. But you are not his wife, not his life partner. If you stay too close you will prevent him from his next task: adjusting to being a Widower. Deciding what his next chapter of his life will look like. Home alone or moving into some sort of retirement village or assisted living. Staying mostly solo or finding company his own age by joining in at a senior centre.
Edge back slowly. Back into your own life. Be your Dad's advocate as Need wisely said.
Of course, you love your dad. That’s obvious. You have been with your partner for 25 years. You love him too.
I think you know that you can’t please both.
The fastest way for a parent to lose a child is to disapprove of their mate. At least for many people it is. Yet, you are accepting of your father’s disapproval of your mate.
It doesn’t matter why your dad doesn’t like your partner, if you love him, chances are that you will remain with him.
Please don’t hope that your dad will move in with you and that you will become one big happy family. It doesn’t work that way. It is difficult enough even when people do get along.
Don’t expect your partner to be accepting of a man who doesn’t appreciate him. That won’t work either.
Consider looking into alternative care options for your dad and go back home. Look for a job and live your life. Visit with dad and become a strong advocate for him.
Wishing you all the best.