My dad is a narcissist and dying- the mental and verbal abuse is getting worse and I have moved heaven and Earth to get him comfortable at home with all needs neccesary hes always in and out of hospital due to a GI bleed and heart failure. Now hes home and in and out of dementia and is more prominent for about 2 months now. After he lashes out or says something disrespectful I need to break from him which I'll express yet he'll call continue to call me 10x a day doesn't respect boundaries, calls emergency if I don't give him attention leaves threating voicemails which I save just incase. I am either working or taking a break from his toxic behavior. My mood is up and down, more anxious, have panic attacks. He has everything he needs except my 24hr. attention so he lashes out at me and or becomes threating saying I am not his daughter and he will sue me or I am only helping him because I want his house! This is not true and I dont even care to continue to be in his life as my health is suffering. He may pass soon as he was eligible for hospice and he'll be going into respite so its a break for a little bit but cannot continue on this rollercoaster, no one else wants to take on the burden- he's not eligible for long term care due to assests and feel that his anger at himself is always directed at me. He is old school and thinks that I should be his full time nurse which now I think its and excuse for him to continue to stay angry at me but even then I dont think it will bring him joy or peace. any guidance or have others experienced this with a parent/loved one?
He isn’t your master. He needs consequences to his actions.
LET. HIM. FAIL.
Block all of those phone numbers so you control how many times you will talk to him. Ask the police department to make wellness checks. They'll do it. They will also expediate things with APS if needs be. Record the phone calls you take from him. If he makes threats take it straight to the cops. They will expediate things with APS to get him placed.
You call APS yourself and talk to them. Tell them that he's a vulnerable elder with dementia and several other health issues that is dangerously living alone. Let them know that no one has POA and he refuses care. When they hear demented senior, no POA in place, AND has assets, their mouths will water. They will have social workers, nurses, and advocates in there so fast your head will spin. Then they will get him placed in a care facility against his will. There will likely be a lawyer or social worker appointed by the probate court to be his conservator.
This is the best way to get him safely and quickly into long term care. You can't be his caregiver and that is more than understandable. This is how to get him into care.
Also, you are mistaken about him not being eligible for long term care. Everyone is eligible for long term care. His monthly income will go towards his monthly bill in long term care. His assets will be liquidated to cash pay for the remainder of the bill that isn't covered. This is called a 'spend-down'. After those assets have run dry he qualifies for Medicaid and that is who will be paying for the long term care.
This usually means families get no inheritance because unless someone is fabulously wealthy, they outlive their assets and end up on Medicaid anyway.
It's not worth trying to get him set up with live-in caregivers either. If he treats you as abusively as you say, he will be even worse to hired help. He needs placement and this is the fastest way to get it.
Good luck to you.
Agree.
In my opinion, help staff (visiting or live-in) only works well when the elder is both;
1. WILLING to have this
2. ABLE to 'Manage' their 'staff'
If not willing, they refuse to let in & it fails.
If willing but not ABLE, the 'Manager' role will need family or a Geri Care Mgr to arrange & deal with the no shows & cancellations.
If both willing AND able, there still comes a time that care at home is not enough.
Or move out the next time he’s in the hospital.
I’ll never understand why people insist on mollycoddling abusive individuals. You should not be involved in caregiving whatsoever. You’ve already done more than enough.
If not, I suggest moving a few states away from him.
He should really not be alone. And you should not quit your job nor move in with him. If you don't have POA, I may get APS involved. Maybe they can help you get control so you can help him. He needs to be placed. Really the best way to go if he is 24/7 care. His house and car are exempt assets until he passes. But any other property he owns has to be sold if he goes on Medicaid. If he has money, use it until its gone then apply for Medicaid. If his monthy income is over the income cap, there are Qualifying Income trusts that can be used for the overage. You really need to see an Elder Lawyer to help you sort things out.
Dad, if he has Dementia you will never be able to make him understand why you cannot be his Nurse. Personality disorders seem to get worse with Dementia. Maybe because the filter is lost that helped them control themselves. You keep doing what you are doing. Do not answer his calls. Actually block him, you won't even get them. Walk away and stay away when he is volatile. If 911 calls you because he has called them, tell them they need to do what they have to to stop his calls. If that means APS so be it. But I think I would contact APS first. Be firm, that you will not care for him. You have to work and you cannot care for him. He needs to be placed with Hospice. You need help making that so. And when he is placed, take the phone away. If all he does is harrass you, he does not need it.
She needs to let the state handle it.
Hospice can help you find the appropriate facility, so ask them today.
His assets should be used for his care and not for the hope of future inheritance, as all the money in the world is not worth the hell that you're going through, and have gone through for long enough now.
Time to say enough is enough, and get the ball rolling on getting him placed in a facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires, and you can get your mental health back to some semblance of normalcy.
Now that you've vented it's time to take action!
I'm not going to give you any other advice for your dad, others can do that.
What I'm more concerned with is you you are seriously burnt out and need the help. Long term caregiving can cause PTSD, it changes the brain chemistry. Those changes are quicker and harder in a dysfunctional
Family with a narssasist parent.
I know what I'm talking about!!
I've learned so much the last 6 months on this forum, so I'd suggest you stick with us, and do what you think is best for you mental health, weather it's therapy meds , self help books this forum, meditation, exercise.
Read the book, Out of the Fog, by Dana Morningstar.
This is not healthy for you. And yes I'm on the caregiving rollercoaster too. But trying to keep my ups going up.
Best of luck, stick with us and read everyone's post , it helps to not feel alone.
If you can't be his caregiver, then you can't be his caregiver - no judgement. But TELL him. So he can get OTHER people to help.
If Dad is home alone & unsafe, report him as a vulnerable elder to APS.
He sounds like a very ill man who has health needs, has social & emotional needs that are not being met.
I am NOT saying YOU have to meet all his needs. Just saying, if he has unmet needs, he will probably keep calling you (if you are his most trusted person). He may not know what else to do.
Who else can help him? Therefore lifting some burdon off you?
It sounds like you have realized your limit, so stick to that.
He needs to be placed in a facility or have 24 hour hired caregivers coming into the house using his money which will cost more than a facility.
You don’t have to answer your phone all the time. Let it go to voice mail . You can listen and call back at your convenience .
You say he’s not eligible for long term care because of assets . I’m assuming you mean he’s not eligible for Medicaid. Use his assets to pay for his long term care . Use his money , sell his house whatever . If he runs out then he gets Medicaid . This is how most folks do it .
He is born 1942 and I am in '85. please any suggestions. my vocab is all over the place excuse me. I did update my profile too- just here for support new to site- dont know how to edit the title
From what EarthAngel says about him, he spunds too far gone with dementia and too abusive for homecare to be a good fit for his care needs. He should be in residential care.