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take care of yourself. Find ways to spend time away from the house. I have long weekends and they are "very long" but don't feel like "weekends." Good luck and let us know how you are doing. xo
People here in agingcare are very accommodating and warm, so if you encounter any issues that you find difficult to handle, do not hesitate to ask question and you will find helpful answers. Caregiving is a very stressful task, which can drain you physically, emotionally and mentally. A lot of caregivers in long term care facilities and even family caregivers providing care to loved ones who are dependent on long term care services also experience stress and even depression. There are also a lot of senior caregiver support group, I have a list of caregiver support group that you can check, I have included their website and contact details in case you want to give them a call so you can raise your concerns:
I'm new at being a caregiver to my mom too....which in my case is long distance as we live about 350 miles apart. My sister passed away unexpectedly a few months ago...so I had to fall into line quickly and try to pick up where she had things lined up. My mom is 83, still lives in her own her home - has some health problems but nothing too major yet. She does suffer from arthritis and some memory problems and uses a walker full-time now. Some advice I have and I've also fine-tuned some things after my sister passed to make things better for my mom: She has a wonderful home health agency that comes to her home at least once and sometimes more than once a day (for companion and light exercises when she feels like exercising); they monitor her medications, make her a meal, and most importantly ensure she is taking her pills; also help with errands and housecleaning and doctor appointments. She has a medical alert pendent. I have also widened both her bathroom doors so that her walker now can go freely throughout the house. She has a lady from her church that comes to visit weekly. And I also now have her receiving a hot meal once a day (M-F) through "meals on wheels". Me and my family (hubby and two young boys) go and visit about once a month but I check in with her caregivers often and call my mom daily. I also schedule her doctor appointments when i am there so I can accompany her. I've also had "the talk" with my mom as to what she would like to do -- when she can no longer stay safely in her home -- and she said she would go into assisted living as we all kind of agree it would be tough -- all of us living together under one roof since I have two small (very active) boys. When she was staying with us after my sister's funeral and over the holidays...we went and checked out an assisted living place very close to us that my co-worker recommended that her mother is in...and both me and my mom loved it and decided that was where she will go when the time comes. Fortunately, my mom has the funds to support assisted living and also qualifies for VA benefits. I think having your parent part of the decision making process of what place they may live one day is really important if the circumstances allow for it.
This new role for me has been very challenging and I have been feeling lots of anxiety in this transition - which I think may be the fact that I'm still grieving over my sister's death...it feels really scary to be the "only child" in making sure your parent is safe and happy. But you can really only do your best and also live your own life and make each day count....I keep thinking I have to do this and get it together as I have two small children still to raise!
Read the little book "Talking To Alzheimer's" secretly in your spare time. For me, it set the tone for our interactions. I tend to be one of those people who need to "get it right" all the time; this sort of situation never lets you win. Get in the habit of eating well and taking 40 min. daily for exercise, even if it's pushups and situps in your living room. Martyrs don't seem to score big in this event, fill your chest with love and know that it isn't forever.
Stay on this site and visit it often w/questions and experiences. You will find this is the greatest support group you can find. It has helped me tremendously understand what I had been going through with my still fisty w/dementia MIL. Today I am much stronger in coping with the aging process -- both her's and mine.
I would suggest to get educated and seek out help early and often. Don't wait until you're nearly burnt out to reach out and get some assistance. There's lots of help if you're open to it so you don't have to go it alone and feel isolated through it all.
I was raised by a nun, friend of my mother who has cancer when I was just 4. I chose to be a caregiver to thank back for raising me. Now that I lived on my own, I keep on helping lots of families by my profession. At first, it's really a tough one. and you should prepare your self and widen your patience.
Il, i meant to say take care of youself first. I have been learning to do that, and keep a sdnse of humor. My mom is 90,she thinks she can do anything.
I too am new to this too. Thank you Lep, my sister said ihad to be there 24/7. She lives in California. My sonlives with me and helps me alot with my mom,he also has health problems. I have been looking into someone coming in once in awhile to help her.Her memory is still good. She argues with me all the time.5
I have no idea what " typical aging issues" means. Is there any such thing?? You are beginning a long journey which I have just finished. It is a journey you never wanted or planned for. It will not be easy. Flexibility is a key word. Don't take anything she says to you too seriously, especially when she says something hurtful. Get used to constant repetition and just accept it as a fact of life. Enjoy the good moments. Find things to do that you both enjoy, while she is able. Listen rather than talk. No matter what happens, she is still your mother. Respect her. At times it will seem like you are caring for a child, but she is not one. You will learn to become very protective of her and even defensive at times. You will learn the meaning of Advocacy and learn to fight for what she needs and you want. This is tough, really tough but in the end it will give you a sense of fulfilment and peace. Good Luck and God Bless!!
As LEP stated cooperation from siblings, if you have them is very important. I would recommend, however, do not tell them what is expected of them. There are many on this site, including me, whose siblings refuse any assistance. These siblings use a wide variety of excuses but I think it comes down to they just are not emotionally capable of being in the caregiver role. It is hard and grueling work! Not everybody is capable to do the job that includes watching the continuous decline of our parents, it absolutely heartbreaking at times.
If you sense any sort of issue with siblings, contact a geriatric care manager, that will be responsible for making recommendations for your mom's care and only in her best interest. These care managers are normally social workers that will also attempt to get the adult children to work together for mom's benefit. It is best to do this early on or you could end up in a situation where your relationships with siblings will be destroyed.
Do not take anything personal that mom, siblings or anyone else says to you. Nobody understands the situation better than you. You will need a thick skin, probably made of titanium. Come to this site often, the caregivers here will listen and have a better understanding than anybody else you could possibly find. It is safe and acceptable to come here to vent your frustrations, ask questions, participate in discussions as you develop in this new role.
And do not forget, take care of yourself. Find the help you need when you need it. Check out day programs in your area. Do not wait until it is absolutely necessary, it will be much easier on mom to make adjustments like this early on. If you wait you will most likely encounter very strong objections. Good Luck!
Don't be an enabler. If there are some things she can do let her. My sil does this with my fil and he depends on her way to much. She lives in another state, so she can't be there all the time and when she leaves, he is at a loss. She buys him groceries (she extreme coupons) but as soon as she goes, he goes to fast food places or I bring him food. If you have siblings, make them feel welcomed to make suggestions, if the are willing to help. It is very time consuming, but the rewards are great. My fil was the type that didn't hug, say I love you or even thank you. I feel like I've changed him. He does all of that now. My husband couldn't remember being hugged or told I love you as a child, he said it seems strange now as a 54 year old to finally hear and feel it. : )
LEP627, it sounds exactly like my story, my mother depended on my stepfather for her every need, she too was very difficult, she would not call me in two months when she got mad at me, now she follows me to the restroom (that's life) I have very little social life and work full time, I drive one hour in the morn. And sometimes depending I drive more since I live in the city, I had one lady, the another except weekends when I kept running in order to get everything done. The workers would do as they were told so if my mother had any issues I had to be on the phone with them, ultimately it ended up being another job to supervise them. I walked 3 miles a day after work, I have gained 12 pounds in one year because I have to come home right after work, forget a day at the mall. My brother will not put up with her, she is not allowed in his home or life (he told me) because she was very cruel to him as well. If I found any support groups I couldn't attend anyways, it would mean robbing my schedule of very precious time, my husband and I have concluded that in order to care for an elderly parent and properly care you need good money to hire the right help during the week and a backup for weekends which we cannot afford, and that's not looking at the fact that she will come looking for me even if I'm using the restroom ( 2 or 3 times because she forgets she came looking for me in the first place) in my opinion these situation varies according to family and needs but it is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. It is sad, depressing, guilt filled, in supposed to be doing something great and I feel like The opposite, I'm 56 and healthy, I should be enjoying this time with grandchildren and I'm doing the opposite, right now she spends the day at daycare and they tell me she behaves so well, I guess it's only with their caregiver they tend to really be themselves. I don't think I really have anything else to say, except we should prepare ourselves (I didn't) to take on the role of a caregiver.
Do you Google? I tried this and you'll be pleased to see what comes up if you search under: "Indianapolis aging care support groups."
Before my own mother, now 95, became too needy for me to leave her except for quick errands, I went to a support group at the local Council on Aging. I understand there is another one at the hospital. VERY helpful.
All I have to say to you is don't beat yourself up. There will be good days and bad days. You are only human. When you feel yourself getting impatient, leave the room for a few minutes and get your wits back. Make time for yourself and your family. It is a great thing that your mother is independent. Let her do whatever she can do on her own until she can't. Prayers to you on this endeavor. There will be laughs as well as tears. Be strong and use this site as much as you need to. It really does help to know there are others in your situation. :)
There are no "typical" aging issues. Take each day as it comes and contact your local agencies about caregiving help. Then read everything your mother presents so you will be more informed. Hang in there. You are in for a bumpy road!
jlgallagher there is a wealth of information on this site. Care giver forum, senior living, caregiver support, elder care and money and legal tabs are on the top of this page. Good luck with your journey.
While your mother is still independent, make sure that all legal papers are prepared and signed by her so you have powers of attorney for financial issues as well as medical issues. Make sure HIPPA papers have been signed for each of her doctors so you can discuss medical issues with them. Since she is still independent, discuss all of this with her, what things she can do, what things she thinks she needs help with. When I started down this road five years ago with my parents (now 95 and 99), my mother could still handle some things but after a fall and broken leg, she lost the ability to deal with numbers accurately and could not do a number of things for herself. My dad has been limited for a long time because of near blindness. All the paperwork was in place so I could handle their financial lives. Whenever they are hospitalized for one reason or another, I bring the medical power of attorney with me so I make sure it is in the hospital's records. Also their primary care doctor has copies. And I provided copies to the medical insurance company as well. I provided copies of the financial power of attorney to their bank, their CPA, my dad's pension managing company. Without these documents in place, you won't be able to discuss problems with them as they come up.
Support groups can be found through a number of sources. The Alzheimer's Association has a number of support groups. Go to their website, www.alz.org, and put in your zip code and they will give you a list. Local hospitals may have support groups. If you have a senior center in your area, they may have a support group or know of one. Your local library may know of support groups. Churches sometimes have support groups for this issue.
Caregiving for yourself as well as your mother is very important. I am lucky that I have my husband in the background dealing with some of the day-to-day stuff when he can (he has cancer and is in chemo). I have stayed in touch with friends and do lunch or just send e-mails.
And I still work part time, part of my keeping myself for myself. As you can see, I have a very busy caregiving life I lead, but you can do it if you get the pieces in place that you will need down the road. Coming on a site like this to ask your question is a great start. Continue to follow people's questions and the answers shared. You will find solutions to problems you haven't even thought of yet. Good luck.
i have some simple advice. just listen carefully to her concerns. shes becoming near helpless and the smallest things are mountains to her. something as simple as overgrown toenails could make her life a constant misery. treat her like shes on a pleasure cruise and its her last cruise.. near the end of life she will likely have mobility problems. take steps to ensure that she doesnt become one of the 70 % of aged with a broken bone as a final hurrah. make sure that her primary sitting arrangement is as comfortable as possible. they sit a lot and a sore azz and pressure sores are a likelyhood. shes going to die at a point so she'll want to review her life . let her talk and offer genuine compliments when appropriate. communicate with key words emphesized. ie; i'll be back " every day -- every day -- every day.. try not to talk to her like shes a child. shes anything but.. read about end of life matters on websites so you know what to expect. uk has some of the best articles imo.. approach it as tho your a friend, advocate, and professional caregiver. its something youll look back on with pride. do a job youll be proud of. when she has visitors ease out of the room and let her nurture her other relationships without interferance. your the night watchman at a loony bin. that mindset gives you the detachment required to preserve your own sanity.
I've been taking care of my Mom who has Alzheimer's for 2.5 years. My Angel (dad) passes December 15, 2011). My mom started exhibiting odd behavior and was diagnosed 3 months later. Please keep in mind I'm only giving you my opinion from what I've experienced. I'm 53 also, and caring for her is killing me. (1) I don't know of groups other than Alzheimer's Association. Call the Agency on Aging; they may be able to refer you. (2) if you have siblings, sit down and talk to them as to what to expect from them (my brother does NOTHING TO HELP. It gets in the way of his social life (3) mostly important, take time for YOU. You can get burned out. I hired caregivers. My Mom said she wouldn't talk to them, but by the end of the day, she was talking her head off; (4) If your Mom gets angry, realize she is scared. If she's open to it, show you that you love her my Mom gets violent with me (she has never been a very nice person; and (5) another important thing. Don't make your Mom your no. 1 priority 24/7. Make sure you keep up with friends. I've lost most of mine because I haven't kept up with them, I'm living 2,5 hours away from them; and I suffer from chronic migraines.
Thanks, that is great! Should I just call around? She is VERY independent, and probably be residing in her home for a while. I guess was hoping it was going to be more like MOPS, and/or meetings in a church.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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This new role for me has been very challenging and I have been feeling lots of anxiety in this transition - which I think may be the fact that I'm still grieving over my sister's death...it feels really scary to be the "only child" in making sure your parent is safe and happy. But you can really only do your best and also live your own life and make each day count....I keep thinking I have to do this and get it together as I have two small children still to raise!
If you sense any sort of issue with siblings, contact a geriatric care manager, that will be responsible for making recommendations for your mom's care and only in her best interest. These care managers are normally social workers that will also attempt to get the adult children to work together for mom's benefit. It is best to do this early on or you could end up in a situation where your relationships with siblings will be destroyed.
Do not take anything personal that mom, siblings or anyone else says to you. Nobody understands the situation better than you. You will need a thick skin, probably made of titanium. Come to this site often, the caregivers here will listen and have a better understanding than anybody else you could possibly find. It is safe and acceptable to come here to vent your frustrations, ask questions, participate in discussions as you develop in this new role.
And do not forget, take care of yourself. Find the help you need when you need it. Check out day programs in your area. Do not wait until it is absolutely necessary, it will be much easier on mom to make adjustments like this early on. If you wait you will most likely encounter very strong objections. Good Luck!
Before my own mother, now 95, became too needy for me to leave her except for quick errands, I went to a support group at the local Council on Aging. I understand there is another one at the hospital. VERY helpful.
Good luck and God bless.
Support groups can be found through a number of sources. The Alzheimer's Association has a number of support groups. Go to their website, www.alz.org, and put in your zip code and they will give you a list. Local hospitals may have support groups. If you have a senior center in your area, they may have a support group or know of one. Your local library may know of support groups. Churches sometimes have support groups for this issue.
Caregiving for yourself as well as your mother is very important. I am lucky that I have my husband in the background dealing with some of the day-to-day stuff when he can (he has cancer and is in chemo). I have stayed in touch with friends and do lunch or just send e-mails.
And I still work part time, part of my keeping myself for myself. As you can see, I have a very busy caregiving life I lead, but you can do it if you get the pieces in place that you will need down the road. Coming on a site like this to ask your question is a great start. Continue to follow people's questions and the answers shared. You will find solutions to problems you haven't even thought of yet. Good luck.
near the end of life she will likely have mobility problems. take steps to ensure that she doesnt become one of the 70 % of aged with a broken bone as a final hurrah.
make sure that her primary sitting arrangement is as comfortable as possible. they sit a lot and a sore azz and pressure sores are a likelyhood.
shes going to die at a point so she'll want to review her life . let her talk and offer genuine compliments when appropriate.
communicate with key words emphesized. ie; i'll be back " every day -- every day -- every day..
try not to talk to her like shes a child. shes anything but..
read about end of life matters on websites so you know what to expect. uk has some of the best articles imo..
approach it as tho your a friend, advocate, and professional caregiver. its something youll look back on with pride. do a job youll be proud of.
when she has visitors ease out of the room and let her nurture her other relationships without interferance.
your the night watchman at a loony bin. that mindset gives you the detachment required to preserve your own sanity.
(1) I don't know of groups other than Alzheimer's Association. Call the Agency on Aging; they may be able to refer you. (2) if you have siblings, sit down and talk to them as to what to expect from them (my brother does NOTHING TO HELP. It gets in the way of his social life (3) mostly important, take time for YOU. You can get burned out. I hired caregivers. My Mom said she wouldn't talk to them, but by the end of the day, she was talking her head off; (4) If your Mom gets angry, realize she is scared. If she's open to it, show you that you love her my Mom gets violent with me (she has never been a very nice person; and (5) another important thing. Don't make your Mom your no. 1 priority 24/7. Make sure you keep up with friends. I've lost most of mine because I haven't kept up with them, I'm living 2,5 hours away from them; and I suffer from chronic migraines.
Should I just call around? She is VERY independent, and probably be residing in her home for a while. I guess was hoping it was going to be more like MOPS, and/or meetings in a church.