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I see people who have been doing this for years and decades and I’ve only been caring for my mom for 7 days and I’m ready to call it quits and get her a nurse for 8 to 12 hours.



A little backstory: my 67-year-old mom had a brain aneurysm on may 12. She was in the hospital and a rehab facility for 76 days.



It’s just my 68-year old dad (who is in poor health himself) and me doing everything.



Her memory and cognitive skills have gone down hill since coming home. She doesn’t know what day it is, or have a grasp on time of day. She is unable to regulate her body temperature because of a uti that is resistant to antibiotics and while in the hospital and rehab she was not on her thyroid meds.



I know my dad is in denial that she needs help that we just can’t properly provide.



Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

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I would have a discussion with your father, tour homes and see what is available in your area.

I have 2 lo's in homes, one AL the other MC, both have their own apartments, activities, well fed and have made new friends.

I wouldn't get in any deeper, set the stage now. Take care of you!
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Reply to MeDolly
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Has her doctor ordered home health? A nurse to check vitals, OT, PT to come to the home? A home health Aide to bathe her.

Call her doctor first thing.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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You and your dad doing the caregiving needs to be just a stopgap measure until you can get some help to care for your mother. It sounds like she needs someone with her 24 hours a day so you should plan to get help every day so that you and your dad can continue your lives. I'm assuming you are still working or have your own family to care for so you need to get things set up so that you are not a primary caregiver. I don't know how much care she actually needs other than supervision. If she just is in a situation where she can't be left alone but doesn't need lots of nursing care your dad should be able to do evenings and nights when they can watch tv and sleep and you can get someone in for the day shift and prepare the evening meal. Eventually, you'll get into a schedule that works but it may take some time. The transition from daughter to caregiver is hard and getting help is essential.
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Reply to jkm999
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This, I hate to say it, will continue to get worse for your mom.
It will get more difficult for your dad, and you to care for her.
Is Assisted Living a possibility for both of them?
Your dad would have the help of professional staff when he needs it.
If the AL facility has Memory Care mom could transition there when her cognitive skills decline to the point where AL is no longer safe for her. (this may or may not happen)
The other option is to hire caregivers that will come into the home and help out.
Even 2 or 3 days a week for 5, 6 or 7 hours would be a great help for both of you.
Not to frighten you with a statistic but there have been studies that indicate that a good portion of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. This just indicates the amount of pressure and stress that caregivers are under, and if your dad's health is not great now it will not remain static as his caregiving duties increase. He should inform his doctors as to what is going on so they are aware and can monitor any declines in his health.
One thing that you and your did might want to contemplate is at what point will you no longer be able to manage.
I based my "line in the sand" to 1 thing.
SAFETY.
I said I would keep my Husband at home as long as it was safe.
If it was no longer safe for HIM for me to care for him at home I would have had to place him in Memory Care.
If it was no longer safe for Me to care for him at home I would have had to place him in Memory Care .
Safety to me is not just physical safety but mental/emotional as well.
Your mom is very young and caring for her could go on for another 20, 30 years.
You can not put your life on hold for that length of time and I am sure your parents would not want you to. And it does not sound like your dad could sustain his caregiver role for that time either.
If your dad has not yet a consult with an Elder Care Attorney would be a wise appointment to make.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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If possible, GET EXTRA HELP. That includes getting a nurse.

If she doesn't like it, she'll have to get over it.
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Reply to blickbob
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sp19690 Aug 6, 2022
Bob I wish you could/would do the same. It's not right what your mother is doing to you.
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So sorry this happened to your Mom.

What's that order again?
Denial, anger, acceptance?

It's loving to step in to help.
It's wise to take a little time to look properly at what you stepped into.
It's practical to then change the plan as needed. Then keep changing as the weeks & months go by.

You & Dad will move from an initial emergency response to a more robust & sustainable care plan. Strength to you for the process.
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Reply to Beatty
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You're talking about hiring a nurse 10 to 12 hours a day. That will be very expensive.
How about looking at a nice AL facility for both of your parents (if they can afford)? Hire the private nurse to make regular weekly visits to monitor them and their health conditions. Even use some of what you would have paid for 10 and 12 hour a day nursing care to hire a CNA to help them in the AL a few hours a day.
Both parents home with you and both of them with serious health conditions, that's too much for anybody.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Hollie,

I am sorry this has happened to your mom at such a young age. Your dad has not come to the realization yet that this is her reality and not going anywhere. He may need some time to process this.

I agree with others who have stated that your mom had no business coming home. She needs serious care. Care your dad is unable to give her and care you aren't going to be able to give her unless you give up your own life, which I do not suggest you do.

I would give dad another week and then have a heart to heart conversation with him. Call the hospital back and ask to speak to a social worker. Explain that mom was released to go home, but there is not enough care there. If they refuse to help you, tell them you will be bringing her back to the ER then.

Stay strong. This is hard and scary and you and your dad are going to need each other while making decisions for mom.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Hello, Congratulations on finding this site so soon in the caregiving process. I think your mom’s doctor needs to weigh in on what care your mom needs and I am
surprised that hasn’t happened already. I think you are spot on for worrying about your well-being in this role. You are much too young and so are your parents to have to go through such a life-changing situation. Whatever route you decide upon, just know it’s expensive and caregivers and facilities are not the same caliber they used to be. You can spend hours trying to schedule something and then hours correcting what wasn’t done. I think you should have your dad make a will, give you POA for medical needs and financial needs for both your parents. Your parents’ Social Security will offset some of the costs. Plus, they might have a 401k that will help with costs. Whether to move your mom to a skilled nursing facility and your dad to assisted living on the same campus or to pay for in-home care is a big decision. I think your mom definitely will need a facility. Even if you move them into a facility, you will still have caregiving. These facilities don’t provide toiletries. I think you also need to think about your well-being and trust me, you providing most of the care cannot be an option for you. Caregiving at any level is hard. It’s draining on every part of you. I recommend placing both your parents in a facility that meets their individual needs so that trained professionals can care for them. You need to set your boundaries now as the daughter, not the caregiver.
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Reply to TriedandTrue
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Follow your own advice and get caregivers to come in and help while you and your father figure out if this is the best long term solution. It may be better for her to go to a memory care/skilled nursing facility where she can get 24/7 professional care. If you decide that a facility is best, try to find one close to you so that you and your father can visit often and oversee her care. I'm so sorry that you and your parents are having to deal with this catastrophic heath decline. All the best to you.
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Reply to NancyIS
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