Not enjoying the daily phone conversations with my MOM. What do you talk about with your parent on the phone?

You don’t ‘have to call daily’. You don’t have to clean her carpets, ‘purge years of accumulated stuff’, organise home-care, or do anything else for her – particularly things she doesn’t want you to do. You are propping her up, so that she doesn’t feel lonely. She gets some jollies by daily bouts of anger at you, and you keep her living conditions respectable. She is really more able than that, if push comes to shove.

Stop the prop, let her experience the result, and let it be obvious to other people as well. This may be a 'worse before it gets better' scenario.

My granny's hobby, literally, is talking on the phone. Two years ago my mother decided to forge a POA and had her sign nursing home papers when she came out of surgery. I haven't spoken to mother in several years, my grandparents raised me, and my mother has done some unforgivable things to me. My granny does however have issues. At the time they thought dementia. I never thought that. Both my granny and papa went to the nursing home together and shared a room. Granny against her will, she made so many escape plans, it's hilarious. Mom had papa put on hospice somehow, I still haven't figured that one out, and made it to where they couldn't give him medical attention if he was choking on a pea without calling her first, so she just didn't answer. I tried to warn them when she was coming up there everyday that something smelled rotten in Denmark. But as I say quite frequently, no one listens to candy. Well she rushed my grandpa's life and had the nursing home cancel his whole funeral so she could get the most life insurance money, it honestly couldn't have been more than $2000, after opening/closing. Really? So my granny's sister came and got her and took her to her house in Irving, about two hours from me. I'm ok with that, I love my granny but I can't handle too much of her, she has an extremely infantile personality, a lot of the stuff about old people regressing, I understand cause my granny never grew up, she's always acted like a little kid, and not in the good ways.
So my mom burned all my granny's stuff that she couldn't sell. Granny got an apt for a very reasonable price at the end of her sister's road, coincidentally, where her mother lived before she had to go to the nursing home. I talked with her on the phone once a week, for however many hours it took, as I knew I was really her only contact, as her and her sister really don't get along, their mother made certain of that, still is from the grave. My husband is starting to get upset because I'm always on the phone. I added it up off the bills, I was on the phone 60 to 80 hours a week, and I hate talking on the phone. I spent untold amounts of money buying everything for all kinds of hobbies and mailing it to her or Amazon, which was a lot of fun sometimes as she can't/won't use the internet. I justified it because I was the only one she had. But I shouldn't have allowed it, fast forward, I moved her here to my town so I could just go hang with her a couple times a week, and groceries, and drs. I thought that would make her feel better and help with the loneliness. Boy was I wrong. She did stop calling me all the time though. But as time went on we had more and more and more Dr appts, until it got to 3-5 a week and she couldn't walk anymore and things got so crazy she wanted to go to the nursing home. All of it a farse, she was faking stuff like crazy. Was at the nursing home a week and they called and said the Dr wouldn't certify her to stay as she does not have dementia. Right and I had just explained in detail that dementia is pretty much the only diagnosis Medicaid will cover a nh for. I haven't figured her end game out yet, but I have the sneaking suspicion she thought I would have to come get her and move her in with me. The jokes on her, cause that won't happen. She didn't know they keep her there until an appropriate place was found and Medicaid arranged, and now she's stuck blowing me up everyday, I'm grey rocking right now. I can't believe I never saw this before, I guess I was too close, but yes girl, get off the phone as fast as possible, and for your own sake, have as little to no contact as possible or she will suck the soul right out of you.

You will not change someone mentally ill.
Stop spending this time.
Make any unpleasant call very very brief and tell your Mom that unless she can behave in a civil manner the call will be extremely short. Make it so.
Stop trying to change how she lives; that will not work. The definition of insanity, they say, is doing the same thing over and over again knowing it will net a negative outcome. For me it is more seeing people like a poor old mill stone pony, dragging the wheel in circles all it's life, getting nowhere. It is hard for us to break our bad habits, because even tho we realize they are making us miserable, they represent the KNOWN and there's nothing so scary as the unknown.
My partner's mother was a dreadful woman. He called her once a week, briefly on a Sunday. When she died, he was very happy. His day was his own.
I would suggest reading Liz Scheier's wonderful memoir about attempting for her Mom's entire life to help her (along with the help of the city and State of NY). It never worked. Title is Never Simple.
If you need help freeing yourself from your Mom's enmeshment please see a therapist.
I wish you the very best. No one can change your life but yourself, and your Mom will not change no matter HOW many times you call (or do NOT call).

Please don’t let that doctor tell you what to do . Doctor has no real way to know what a facility would do. Such places have trained personnel who know how to handle people like your mom. She needs to be in care sooner rather than later because this is beyond your capabilities. Stop calling her so much. It isn’t helping either of you. Use the extra time to find a facility for her. Then make sure she gets there-you may need help from elder services-and get her there. Also, you’re way too helping. Don’t try to reason about anything because she is past reasonable thought now. It doesn’t matter if her carpets get cleaned. She likely won’t be living there much longer. Good luck to you.

It is your choice to call her, you do not have to do this every day. What in world would you have to discuss this often anyway? Cut back.

As for the doctor, he doesn't know, I never thought my NPD mother would fit in AL, she does, she loves it, she is a star, leading the troops!

Don't assume anything, take your life back.

Mom has a Dementia...this will not get better. A time will come when she cannot be alone. If Dr does not recommend an AL then it will need to be LTC. Do not take this woman into your home. It will not be a better situation because she is closer. If even in early stage of Dementia, she can no longer reason. I would let her do what she wants. If it gets bad, call APS. They will probably say she can live the way she wants but you have her on record. A time will come when she needs to be hospitalized. If Rehab is recommended, place her there. Then ask that she have a 24/7 eval. If found she is 24/7 care, then you can say you cannot care for her and it would be an "unsafe discharge" to send her home. Have her placed in LTC. Use what money she has to pay for her care. If she has none, then apply for Medicaid.

I sense that you call because she’s lonely and you want her to have some human contact. Am I right?

Just wondering, since she’s developing dementia, does she know it’s you that is on the phone when you call?

is she negative and ugly towards the neighbor and niece, too? How about strangers/marketers?

Also… I get it when you say this is just how she is and meds won’t help. But don’t count them out! That is not necessarily the case.

Meds won’t turn her into a ray of sunshine, but can take the edge off her anger and anxiety.

dear eat-pray-love,

as i warned you some months ago, your name might be

eat-prey-love

with your mother, the predator. you, the prey.

——
unfortunately, some mothers are extremely cruel towards their daughters.

your conversations, her toxicity, will probably get worse and worse.

you’re in a very difficult situation, like many people: you want to do the right thing for your mother, but the right thing is destroying you.

——
your question is, what do others talk about with their parents?

maybe you mean, is there some topic you can talk about, which will help decrease your mother’s toxicity…

but nothing will change her negativity. if anything, it’ll get worse.

some people are HAPPY when they make other people unhappy. it’ll never stop. she knows what she’s doing. but it brings her joy, if she can make you miserable.

the last thing she wants to hear is how happy you are. and if she senses you’re happy (cheerful voice), she’ll try to bring you down.

kind of the way an enemy would behave. an enemy wants to bring you down.
——

i hope you find some way to move forward.

some way to protect your happiness.

You don’t have to call her, at least not every day! Just because no one else wants to be around or talk to her doesn’t mean you have to step in.

If she fusses at you for not calling so much, your reply could be something like “When I call you’re in a bad mood. So I try to call when you’re feeling better.” Of course she will never be in a good mood, but that’s not up to you!

How long are these calls? They sound ghastly.

Stop calling her. You don't 'have to' call mom at all, you are choosing to b/c you are a lovely person. And she is choosing to turn things ugly every single time you do. So tell her, in no uncertain terms, to call YOU if and when she is in a civilized-enough mood to have a reasonably decent conversation that won't leave you feeling depleted to the point you need a nap. And if she can't manage that, then don't call at all. Seriously.

Energy vampires live to torture others. You have to stop allowing it. It's hard, I know, but it's possible!

Best of luck setting down some boundaries which is necessary with a mentally ill parent.