Does anyone not want to continue caring for a parent because it puts them in closer contact with siblings they don't get along with?

Annabelle, have you checked with area council on aging to see if your mom would qualify for various types of assistance? Even if there is no possibility of her living apart from you at this time (she does not qualify medically for nursing home) there might be some respite care that would help you. If you want to have sibs help with care, then you could try talking to them about helping pay for outside caregiver hours, But if they are going to help hands on then you really will have to negotiate with them. I don't see how you can avoid it if you can't subcontract care and are not willing to walk away from situation. You are doing the right thing by trying to care for your mom, but be willing to "think outside the box", that is, be flexible in considering solutions. I think the reason that "people don't understand that" is too often people have not explored other possibilities and have decided too early that they have no other choices and other posters on the site are encouraging you to keep looking for options.

People keep bringing up indecent living or assisted living I can't afford or Mr she can't afford it why don't people understand that

Is mom in your home? What I did was tell my sister that (1) she was not welcome in my home to visit with mom due to her past "b*tching texts" and threats. (2) She is more than welcome to take mom for a visit to her place anytime, but to please provide me with a date and time so I can have her ready.

I don't know if this would help, but it has helped me.

Annabel, please understand that we understand what you're going through. But you need understand that you cannot be forced to take care of your mother.

Have you talked to the local Area Agency on aging? Have they done an in person needs assessment?

Your mother is entitled to state assistance if she can't afford to pay for her own care. That's all I mean - find out what she's eligible for.

If your siblings and you share in her care, you're going to be brought more into contact with them. Obviously. There would be long and detailed negotiations involved, plus ongoing workings out of schedules.

Your headline asks if anyone has wanted to stop caring for a parent because of that, because it creates more unwanted contact with siblings. So do you mean you? - do you want to stop caring for your mother?

How's it going with your sister? Is she talking about doing more, or has it not come up lately?

i'm looking for my siblings to share more equally in her care because right now her immediately family is all she can afford in the way of care and none of the her kids has the money for her to live anywhere but with family. and yea I am looking for ways to make coping with them less stressful. I do go to counselling but I also post here. I don't understand the people who act like this is a quick fix and are just like "place in in AL" there is a lot to that decision. and there's no money for it anyway. yea, SHE doesn't have the money. she's my mom. am I going to kick her out on the street? no!

It depends on your priorities. I was staying with my Mother 24 x 7 at her Independent Living Apartment when my brother, his wife and a cousin and the Senior Facility Management interfering with my POA of Health Care and Mother's stated wishes. I was dragged through the dirt with a lot of lies, defamation, false stories about me, scams, yelling at me over the phone, "get out of there," all to get my Mother out of her Independent Living Apartment, to the Emergency room where it was written in her Emergency Room Health Records that there was no reason she was sent there by the facility and then to send her to the facilities Health Care Center and subsequently to be placed in Personal Care. Mother went from enjoying life fully, she had a male friend she went to the Dining room with, she looked georgeous for her late 90's, we went shopping, out for family dinners, she was a greeter at Church in the Children's Center check-in with me, she showered herself, did her own nails, etc. Both my Brother and cousin supported the facility. They hardly were in contact with Mom and myself. Brother went 2 years with only a 45 minute quick dinner with us at a restaurant and cousin met us out for lunch 4 or 5 times a year but never could hear Mother, and Mother couldn't hear him to well. Their communication was through me and never about, was she happy with me living there? I moved back from Colorado when she asked me to and she was thriving with the attention from me. I have a home nearby but she wanted me to stay with her. It was a disaster. I am a mature Christian and words were flying around about me that couldn't be further from the truth. I could have let them take over and be successful shutting me out. The contensious family didn't want to personally care for her, they wanted to place her in the Personal Care Unit. The facility had their hooks into the family. I persisted and hung in there while calling every government agency I could to complain about their negligence, and the harm that had come to Mother. I went to their Caregiver Support Group and ending up crying about the situation. Mother was being approached inappropriately by the maintenance man, the dining room staff was rude and intimidating.  They took advantage of the residents by bringing out the foods they felt like instead of following the residents diet plans. The Nurses messed up Mother's eye drops for Glaucoma, their negligence  caused Mother to have  bad visual hallucinations, an end stage of eye sight as glaucoma advances, it goes on and on.  The were furious when I brought a note from a Glaucoma Specialist from a prestigeous University that Mother needed an Intervention in her treatment to try to stabilize her eyes with me giving her her eye drops to avoid the need for  a lazer procedure.   The said No and cut my hours so I was sure not to be there when eye drops were administered.  The Nurses Aids sat in the Nurses station chatting and eating while ignoring emergency alarm buttons that were ringing. The residents were not kept clean, there was a bad stench and the Nurses Aids would yell in a very mean manner instead of assisting the residents in areas they needed help. I could go on and on about the various injuries and neglect Mother and the residents sustained. Mother ended up totally invalid, she couldn't walk, couldn't shower herself, she was incoherent from all the falls when she was wheeled back to her room and left in front of the TV instead of being taken to the bathroom and tucked into bed.  ( even after I put notes up everywhere in her apartment.) When they cut my hours back again to 4 hours a day 5 days a week, my son took over with them and my cousin saying that  we were moving Mother to another facility. My Brother saw the Money flying out of her funds when she had to have round the clock private duty Nurses Aids at $25.00 per hour when I wasn't permitted to stay with her to keep her from falling so he was behind us by then.  We ( my son and I) could have walked away and said, there was nothing we could do about it. I was blessed with a good son .  He stayed with Mother as much as he could while making a living and taking care of his family when I was banned. Dysfunctional families can bring about tragic endings to a LO's life. We escaped. Mother and I and her cat are now staying together at a heavenly facility. They are very loving and supportive. My Bible Study Group helped me through this. The group all nodded their heads when I told them we had seen the current facility and were thinking of moving her here. Between myself, my son and his wife we are with Mother 24 x 7. They provide breaks for me to go to Church and do errands. Mother is improving slowly. It is worth what we went through. My cousin doesn't call or come around here at all. He wanted to. I prayed with my Bible Study class that God would give me the words to say to him when he called. I had the right words, they just flowed. My words didn't aggitate him to fight back. My brother is supportive but still tells me the problem was that I was too argumentative.  We left that go. A stream of responses with  problems of dysfunctional families and with problems of LO's in Nursing Homes is very much like we experienced. I Thank God for AgingCare for making all these testimonies available. Prevail in giving loving care for your LO.  Don't give up too easy.  

Annabelle, what's this "we" part in your thinking? "We" can't afford long term care, or her own home for your mother.

You are not responsible for your mother's finances. There is no "we." There is "she." And if She can't afford long term care or her own home, then there is financial assistance available to her which you could look into.

I really do sympathise with the stress of being placed in contact with people you would normally avoid, but I am struggling to see what you're aiming for. Do you want your siblings to vanish, and have no relationship with your mother? Do you want them to share fairly in her care, or take it over altogether? Or are you looking for ways of coping with the forced contact so that it doesn't bother you as much?

Arrange for other family members to come in then you get out of there. Everything will be fine, and they just might begin to understand what you have been dealing with.

And no. Micromanagement. 

we can't afford long term care or to have her in her own place.

That was not my reason for putting Dad in Memory Care, but it's a bonus to not have to see or talk to them. They can visit (or not), and if he calls them (then can't really use the phone), I don't have to deal with it.

I get you, Annabelle.

Do you have any options that would allow your mother contact with you and your sister individually, but not force the two of you to occupy space simultaneously?

Like, an independent living or assisted facility equidistant from the two of you?

Dear Annabelle,

I'm so sorry to hear your siblings are not supportive or understanding. Or willing to work with you in caring for your mom. I feel for you because I too found myself between a rock and hard place.

Now that my dad has passed, I truly regret not looking at other options. I was so angry and resentful with my siblings. This compromised my judgement and care for my father after his stroke. I still deal with this guilt 8 months after his passing.

Please consider moving your mother into assisted living or long term care for your own peace. Its not worth breaking yourself down mentally and physically to care for your mother if it now becomes too overwhelming. I know you try and try and try again, but sometimes I know the daily struggle can escalate. I hope you can find another option that will work better for you and your mom.

What I hear: does anyone wants to continue caring for a parent. Large question; great question. Initial thought, no. Because it requires potentially great sacrifice. But, you define yourself and your caring for parent(s) based on level of engagement you can manage and whether you are willing to step up continuously. However, the answer lies in how long did they take care of you. 1, 2, 3,... decades... and are they still taking care of you in some way. I break this down first because typically we are less ready to take care of our parent(s) than they were (hopefully prepared) to take care of us. So, great question. And, it really makes it hard when others in family have different ideas on best to care for the same parent. Communication is key while taking care of parent and when not being primary caregiver.

2nd part: I really had to think about what you were alluding to, but I think I understand this part as well. So, you don't have an every week/month/year relationship with immediate family. And it appears your future may be brighter with your siblings if you are not, per se, primary caregiver. What are the options. Independent caregiving, I think, has to occur in a lot of cases, but families are rarely prepared for the pros and cons. I could add more, but I think it comes down to one simple item: which is more important to you. Taking care of your parent or keeping others happy which you get along with that do not require your assistance. Now, if you don't get along with them: then that means they don't get along with you either. That is a two-way street always. Basic conversation/communication. Focus on what you can bring to the table for the parent is my take. Good luck!

This is a very difficult situation for you. I feel for you. You need to make sure your Mom gets good care, I hope you can find a way to do this without having contact with your siblings or their interference.