I always did the best I could for my mother we lived together most our lives my moms 85 yrs old I know my mother more than anyone I am her daughter I should know. I had to put my mom in a nursing home NOT cause I wanted too but I had to she got a Urinary tract infection had to go to the hospital then they kept her for 5 days then she got weak in her legs and can't walk so then she needs physical therapy It's hard for me to really take care of her when she can't walk. But I had done it before when she couldn't even walk because it was my choice i did not want her in a nursing home. It took a big toll on me cause i had to get her walking again and get her to the rest room. But every time I give a nursing home another try it's been Nursing home neglect. Now my mother is in ICU. Do not put your Family member in a Nursing home especially if they have memory loss. You know why? I don't even have to say it. Cause they take advantage of them and do what they want cause they can get away with it. If you love your mom or father don't they will for sure pass a way! My mothers been in 5 nursing homes and each one I had to pull her out and take her home with me they all just drugged them and her up they don't listen the Dr's just keep giving prescribing Meds My mother dos better without the Meds. it should only be taking when absolutely needed. And all I do is arguing with them. They don't run the nursing homes right. They should all be SHUT DOWN I have not found anyone that was good. They get money for what to kill elderly and shorten there lives More! I have to take my mother OUT and do what they couldn't do all myself as always. Now my mother is in ICU for 7 days! all cause of the nursing home my mom has NEVER NEVER been this bad she has Ammonia and a Real bad Urinary Tract Infection! from this Nursing Home! Should be ALL SHUT DOWN. Now this is something I'm going to have to live with if something happens to my mom my life will never be the same. "I am pissed angry" that there are Humans that treat and can get away with treating older people like Animals and even animals shouldn't be treated like that!!! I'm not done with these nursing homes that messed up my mother yet! I cry every day I knew inside something was wrong I could feel it. But I had surgery myself I could not be there for her have breast Cancer going on for 3 months now I have not been doing well thinking how can I care for my mother ass I needed treatment myself. I just got out of surgery when this all happened I had a drainage tube running down my chest when this all happened and now it's too late my moms in ICU. The next day after surgery I went into the nursing home Talked to the Administrator the ones all in charged crying upset about what happen to my mom. I told them they think there this place right they are Not I told them if something happens to my mom they will go down. I ripped open my shirt with the tube of blood from my chest and said This is what I been through. I counted on you all here to help me with my mother. And all I can say is what comes around goes around and one day i hope not, this might happen to you and you will all see what it feels like to be me or my mother. and I walked out.
It is group care and they have many residents for whom to provide care.
There is no way she would get individual care that you can deliver. That said, they are able to lift her and move her the way they are professionally trained.
Hospital stays for seniors can be difficult, as they need mobility exercises, and are unable to function normally.
That said, it was the best placement for her at the time, since you were ill yourself.
It is normal for seniors in her condition to develop URIs, my late father had one. They simply do not urinate as much, nor do they keep themselves hydrated.
If you have a case for mistreatment, does the US not have a place for complaints? If you have issues with individual doctors or nurses not treating her properly, you should document this and complain to the governing body.
I keep telling my kids, drug me up, as I don't want undiagnosed pain. My father was unable to communicate he pain, although I knew it.
In Canada we have a system of complaints. Reports on long-term care homes: check the homes out before you place a loved one. http://bit.ly/1iWyASp
You will be more successful at dealing with the realities of your situation, the realities of your mom's situation, and the realities of nursing homes, if you are really super clear about reality! For example, the tubes in your chest and what you have gone through are of course incredibly important to your life... but they have nothing to do with what nursing homes are trying to do; and telling someone who runs an institution that those institutions should all be shut down isn't a great way to get them to help you or work with you. Of course you have a lot of feelings, and... well, a lot of people seem to feel that objecting to a problem is the same as negotiating to improve it, but it's not. Negotiating to improve the situation makes you a team-member or, better yet, a team-leader, on your mom's behalf; just objecting and making scenes just makes you into a problem too. As JenJiks says, document, use channels, like that. Work with the reality and realize that everyone else, like it or not, is limited by their situation too.
If you have to keep her in a NH, her situation will likely worsen. Your mother isn't being treated in an odd way, this is the normal treatment of the elderly. They are written off as old and they are not treated with the dignity and respect they deserve as American citizens who contributed to our society all their working years.
Remember. The squeaky wheel gets the grease . Report them first thing tomorrow .
Use your anger - try not to loose your anger.
Ask yourself what's the bigger picture here and use your anger strategically - to make a change to more than your situation
Always work to see every possible point of view - understanding is power
I'm walking that fine edge now and I wish you well - hope it helps. ALL we can do has to be enough. And don't forget none of us are perfect - although we are doing a great job. We must avoid becoming Martyrs. That seems to be a caregiver trap.
She's about to be released after a gall bladder removal and the docs wanted to send her again. Over my dead body.
When my husband was having trouble staying hydrated, I went every day. As soon as I showed up, if he didn't already have a drink w in the rehab facility, I visited every day. As soon as I arrived, I checked to make sure he had a beverage within sight and reach in a clear container so he knew what was in it. If he didn't, I channeled Cuba Gooding, Jr, from the Jerry Maguire movie and said, "Show me the beverage!" Then I reported it to his case manager at the facility. They eventually caught on.
When your friends ask you what they can do to help your through your bout with cancer, ask some of them to visit your mom. The patient with the most obvious family will get the best care. Maybe it's not right, but it's the way it is.
If your mom needs help eating, ask your friends to go at meal time, so they can report back on how much your mom gets, how much she eats, and how much and how long the aides help. The staff won't be able to assume your friends will help feed her. If you're around at mealtimes, you probably always end up helping, but you want to know what she gets when you're not there to watch and/or help. They probably keep a log of how much she eats and drinks, but I've seen those logs for meals eaten in my presence and they overreport. If my husband ate three bites of chicken, that went down as 20% of a meal. If he had two bites of pudding, they recorded half a serving of liquid.
((((Here's a big hug!))))
Right now, not surprisingly, the country is owned & run by pharmaceutical companies (that's where the biggest money is) & social services. Those 2 industries are served very well by an instituttionalized America. As long as all Americans are under a roof, under either chemical or physical restraints there will need to be many social workers & many meds. Having said that alzheimer's as everyone knows is a huge problem. All you have to do is visit any posts, shares or anything to do with 1 elderly making 1 error in judgement the first time in their independent life & every reply or comment to that post, EVERY COMMENT will be time for an institution, time for a NH or time for an ALF. Really. Well I have made alot of mistakes in my life & they will need alot of government financing if everytime we walk across the street we could be run down by a car, therefore we should never cross the street again & the only way to make us not do that is to house us all of any age in a group building. I really feel like if the nursing homes did not exist at all, if the ALFs did not exist at all, if LTACS did not exist at all, someone would find a way to fund or get a family member to take care of these elderly in their own homes & they would be less of a cost to the healthcare system & live lives of greater comfort, security & dignity. Unfortunately I have never met a policeman, a social services any kind of worker or a healthcare worker that did not think that a physically healthy, ambulatory, independent senior with very mild age related memory lapses of momentary some days should not be in all possible wrist restraints, bed straps & mind altering meds and restrained to rooms in a building. Never met anyone that didn't think everyone that shouldn't be noticed because of their age & that they should be put away out of public eye so that god forbid we should all be reminded of our own mortality & weaknesses of age because then god forbid we should have to remember kindness, compassion, putting ourselves in the other persons shoes. We would rather only see happy healthy children playing, young lover's in love, excellent school systems. These elderly are not even allowed to family dinners, holiday dinners. They are just dumped & the police the goverment & social services pushes & advocates for the dumpings. As long as the drug companies, the social services & the burger chain facilities continue to make money off these dumpings no one over 65 will be allowed to live elsewhere or have independence. You have to cut off the money to these powerful growing industries or nothing will change.
As for advocacy from local or national government I cannot believe anyone thinks that anyone there would care about anything except their paychecks. Guess who pays those goverment people's paychecks. Big taxes. Which industries pay the biggest taxes. The ones that are the biggest money industries. The healthcare industry, the drug companies, and so on. Drug companies hold all the power. No one working for the government has anything to gain financially from exposing neglect or abuse in these places. Not if they want to feed their own family. So again the only way our elders are treated any better is if someone that actually cares about that person cares directly for them at home or in a facility. In other words you basically have to either take them home if you can OR you basically move into the home. I have known several caregivers that spent 6 days a week from 11am to 7pm in their patient's room. Bringing them to the dining room, bringing their own meal along, feeding the patient at the table or in their room. Being there whenever the doctor came along. I would personally rather take them home but some of us do not have a supportive floor plan, all my bathrooms-tubs & beds are up a flight of stairs. I would have to rent a 1st floor apt. on his SS check, if he died before the lease was up I would have to cover the 1K per month for the remaining months of the lease. But as long as he isn't a 1-2 hour drive from me each way, I can guarantee you I will be in the NH every meal 3 times a day feeding him since after this hospitalization & being in wrist restraints (arms straight out) 14 days he cannot feed himself. I will be there breakfast, come home, go back for lunch, back home, & then back for dinner. At least someone else will be changing his bed (hopefully) & he will have access to PT equipment I can't provide. However at the end of his 100 days when he is determined bed bound for life I will not see the reason to drag his 238 pounds up the stairs for a tub since he could never get in it & I will be bringing him to the sofa bed in the downstairs den not needing a walker, not being allowed access to PT anymore since the 100 days ran out of medicare & feed him in his bed in the den. The showers upstairs will no longer be an issue since he is bed bound spongebath anyway, that is if 100 days could not get him self-transfer. Now on the other hand if they do get him self-transfer I could still leave him in the NH and for the next year of life drive 30 mins each way 3 times a day to feed him what the aides won't so he doesn't end up forgetting how to swallow with his alzheimer's.
I just want to mention 1 more thing. Before he was sent by his NH to the hospital he was comp. ambulatory, toileting himself, going to the dining room on foot for all his meals, eating a regular diet. He had a 94 over something blood pressure so they sent him to the ER. At the ER he had a 13 WBC (only 1 point over their normal level of 1-12 & mild pneumonia) so of course they gave him 3 last line severe IV antibiotics). Next day none of the 3 were called for in the culture result so all 3 were dc'd cold turkey with him started on a new one. Next day his WBC was 5.1, next day his WBC was 5.0, next day ready to send him back to NH. Except an idiot rounding for someone else changes out the antibiotic that was working for no good reason except he prolly had a trip to the Bahamas off the drug company he changed it to & this new antibiotic he gave him caused C Diff, which in 48 hours caused a Toxic Mega Colon. Which means his colon (which was fine before) could rupture (it looked like a blimp over the stadium) and cause a very painful death. In this 48 hours it also shut down his otherwise healthy kidneys. Gave him a 55 WBC. So we said go ahead & remove the entire colon (so he would have to poop into a ziploc bag strapped to his tummy the rest of his life. Well this required general anesthesia which is great for mod to severe alz. esp since it requires a ventilator for a man breathing fine on his own otherwise. So they go in to remove his entire colon and there is internal bleeding, so now they can't stitch him up which means we are not going to extubate until stitching & he may die from internal bleeding anyway before morning so what diff. does it make. Remember he only went ER for 94 over something blood pressure. So now the bleeding heals & luckily he gets extubated fine 4 days later. But because no one has a right to breathe healthy on his own, they shoved a tube up his nose to feed him, give him fluids & 2 liters of oxygen. Now he was breathing on his own again & they refused to put in a g tube because he had colon surgery recently so I said alright how long do we have to re teach him how to swallow. So finally he goes back on solid foods, regular diet. Handles it fine for 2 days but instead of pot pie which was offered they send rice & fish. He hates both & because he doesn't chew & swallow properly what they sent he is now on pureed & mashed. After 2 weeks with arms restrained straight out he is needing feeding by mouth so obviously I will have to go to the NH 3 times a day to feed him. I will be preparing my house (cleaning - decluttering) to take him home after he can get no PT & will be called bed-bound the rest of his life.
And once again had he been allowed hospice at the NH like I wanted as only child & POA he would have been treated in house for the 94 over something blood pressure & would still be walking, toileting & able to eat all foods himself & still have all body parts & not be pooping into a ziploc bag the rest of his life because he wouldn't have had all 3 antibiotics that killed his colon & put him through all of this. Now I called 5 malpractice attorney firms in my town as soon as the md admitted it was the ER treatment that did this to him & none of the lawyer's firms wanted to look into the case as malpractice is hard to prove on an 85 year old with mod-severe alzheimer's. If they had given him one oral mild antibiotic for the 13 WBC till they got the culture result he would have been saved from all of this. As I say assuming that anyone will ever once care anything about the health & safety of these people is absurd, the government, the advocates, the healthcare staff. No one cares about anything except the money they can make off the person & how sick they have to be to make the money off of them & for how long they have to be sick & for what rate they can bill for how long. This has also promoted lying about how much they are eating, to how much meds they are on to the family & caregiver. As they used to say the proof is in the puddin. And the puddin is sitting there in front of the elderly who can't get at it & is also sitting in front of the caregiver/advocate but no one cares or this group home mentality would not have caught on & grown like it has. If you care you are there 3 times a day feeding them or you are hiring someone to feed them that will not care either. These places wouldn't exist or be getting away with murder unless the loved ones were letting it be so.
I so agree with you about the state of nursing homes, but hospitals as well when it comes to the 'elderly', as because of them (in part) I truly believe that's why my mom ended up in one of the worst ones in Brooklyn (going in being able to walk, and leaving there NOT being able to do so). I also did NOT want to put my mom in yet another nursing home but was told by the hospital, "it will only be for a week or two at the most", well it actually turned out to be "one month and one week" later. If I had not pulled her out, prayed to God to let her come home and "leave from there" (the meds had taken her so far out of herself, that I she stopped taking them and eating once she got home, she kept saying she didn't feel good when she took them, so I honored her 'wish' and stopped giving them to her), she really would have died there while they 'went about their business'.
While I realize the majority of these places are grossly understaffed, nurses, etc. are underpaid, letting patients sit in their waste an d wheelchairs hour after after, is torture of the worst kind especially for those like my mother and yours who were walking around 'on their own way before they even got into these places'.
I am praying for you and your mom, that God will give you a way out and SOON, as He did with my mom. I miss her (and my sister) something fierce but know she's better off with God now than being here with people "just doing their job", and not really caring about her and in the others in the long run.
Then the rehab where I hoped the PT would work with him to regain his strength. Because he was drugged and combative they stopped working with him. At one point she laughed in my face when I told her my father was testing his strength when getting up from the wheelchair.
He's been home for a few months now on hospice with home health aides. Doing much better. For the most part has his mind back. Off all mind altering drugs. He seems to maybe have sundowner, where for a while at night forgets that he is home.
But unless his dementia gets so severe that he doesn't recognize us etc I will not put him back in a nursing home.