The on-going saga. I live with my 89 year old mother. I'm 65, retired, divorced no kids, good physical health and love my mother. Until recently, it was not a problem as mom was quite functional. She could walk without a cane or walker and drove short distances. I moved in with my mother after my divorce 20 years ago.
In the last month and a half, everything has gone downhill. My mom suffered a compression fracture in her back and became bedridden with extreme pain. On top of that she had a bad reaction to an insomnia drug that caused her to have an acute memory loss. I took her off the medication ASAP, but since then her memory has deteriorated. She has lost some of her balance and I feel she cannot be left alone. She gets through the house by furniture surfing which is possible since its a small house. She has had several falls.
Because of weakening condition, some cognitive loss and general uncertainty, I had her MD give a test for acuity which she passed., with some errors. I have talked to an attorney regarding a Power of Attorney (POA), in view of her deteriorating condition.
My main problem now is with my sister. She is 63 and lives 10 minutes away with her husband and one adult child. She is a bitter, unhappy person, whose main hobby when talking to my mother, is recriminating her for all the "things" my mother has done to her. She is either scolding her, railing against me (we have a rocky relationship), or berating my mother for some imagined fault. When my mother hangs up the phone, she is always upset. Her latest topic is the upcoming marriage of my niece. This is all she is obsessed with at the moment.. She refuses to come over and look in on mom. She refuses to recognize that mom is 89 and in poor health. She can only talk about herself and her children. She hates all our relatives for the imagined faults they have done to her. My aunt calls her a witch. I feel she has mental issues, but she refuses to seek help. She is the ultimate "Victim".
My biggest fear is that if she finds out I have a POA on Mom, she will go ballistic. I can't get her to sit down and talk about Mom' s problems, without degenerating into a screaming argument. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal? I don't want to argue or expose myself to more abuse from her.
Then insert the earplugs, unplug the phone, and lock the door.
Hope that the wedding takes up so much of her time and energy that she runs out of gas before she can get near you.
Then, ignore completely.
Has your mom made you her Medical Representative (different than Medical PoA)? Did your mom create an Advanced Care Directive (Living Will)? Who is the executor of your mom’s Last Will? Hopefully she has one. May you receive peace in your heart over all of this drama.
Ask the lawyer if it means that you BOTH have to agree with every decision. With a person as unstable as your sister, I would worry what her opposition to Hospice, foregoing treatment and the like might engender.
When she goes ballistic at being excluded or not informed, let her steam away by herself.
You might pre-empt any grand scene, and avoid unfortunate timing, by choosing to inform her of the fact.
By the way, you don't have POA 'on' Mom. You have POA *for* her, to act on her behalf as to the best of your belief your mother would have done for herself before she lost her mental faculties.
I would not tell her you were assigned for now. Too much going on in her life. Be aware that you shouldn't, nor do you have to, give sister any info on Moms finances. Keep good records. Do not combine monies.
You and Mom need to set boundries. Neither of you should take sister's abuse. When she gets started, tell Mom to say "I am hanging up" and do it.
All fun aside, it’s obvious she has a tremendous amount of power over you. Her behavior is abusive, both to you and your mother. I have a rebellious nature, so I have no problem telling a bully where to go. But we are all different kind of people, and that’s okay. I would just ask, what has “playing nice” with her ever gotten you?
My mother-in-law (who I now care for) was very much like that until the dementia set in. Crying, stomping feet, screaming, throwing temper tantrums like she was two years old. When I first met my husband and I saw her behavior I was so shocked. I’d never seen a grown adult act like such a baby - like a toddler crying in a grocery store over candy.
Why did she do it? THE POWER it gave her. She ruled with fear. “Oh no! Better not make Mama mad!” My husband, his sister, and their dad lived in constant fear of her tantrums.
No audience, no temper tantrums. You CHOOSE to let her in. Listen to her. Don’t give her that power.
Get the POA for your mom. If your sister starts screaming or becomes abusive, lay down the rules. “You can’t be around mom if you’re going to be abusive.” “No, I’m not going to listen if you’re screaming at me,” and hang up the phone. Shut the door. Don’t scream. Don’t get riled up. Stay in control. You can’t change her, but you can change your own life, and you’ll be much happier for it, not constantly living in fear.
You can file a harassment lawsuit.
Also, you can make a citizen’s arrest.
Fixing the relationship would only be a break between boxing rounds. Instead, get yourself out of the ring.
It sounds like you eventually will not be pursuing a long term friendship with this woman (your sister) so why torture yourself by even engaging in a fight in the meantime?
if she starts screaming, calmly reply, “this is not up for discussion.” Legally, that is the truth, POA is the end of the story.
If she sues you, step back and let the attorneys fight on your behalf (that is what we are paying them to do, after all).
Anyone can basically sue anyone else for anything. Engaging in heated shouting matches (or battle royals) is unproductive and unhealthy.
Don’t “gear up”, just don’t engage.
Think also of your mom, her health and well being —there is no need to let her get hit by shrapnel from a war that is pointless.