Ten years ago, being the single person, I began getting closer to my parents, helping them sell their house, move to independent (dad) / Alzheimer's (mom) living and now am responsible for all things financial and medical. It is their money and they are well taken care of, but my father leans on me (only me) to take care of all of his needs - and continually talks down to me telling me how to do things. I am a very smart and capable person and recently had enough and yelled at him to stop it!!! I then laid into my sisters for going on about their lives while I am my dad's go to person if he needs anything or he doesn't like the caregivers he is sent by the care center, as an example. What do I do not to go crazy and release my anger and resentment?
Is it because you are tired of doing it all by yourself?
Is it because your father talks,down to you when you’re doing all you can?
Is it because your siblings are not helping?
Might seem silly to ask yourself these questions, because it seems like the answers to all should be YES! Yet, it’s important to kind of really break down the reasons and sources.
If it’s the third, ask them for help, specific help as Eyerishlass mentioned. If they still won’t help, I’d try a family meeting with the goal of calmly discussing your parents’ care and each sibling’s responsibility. It may not fix much, but at least you’ll know you tried and they are aware of the need to help.
If it’s the second, tell your dad on a non confrontational moment, that you understand things will never get done the way he’d do them himself, but that from your heart you are trying to do the best for them and in the most efficient way. And that being constantly criticized hurts you deeply. He should also be reminded that you take care of both of them, which is a lot, but you don’t mind and do it with love, yet you need him to please stop belittling you or your actions and decisions. Yet, if he’s always been this way or if he doesn’t get it, then you have to work on yourself...which is VERY hard, to kind of dismiss his comments. It’s hard, but not impossible. Realize you are in charge and he cannot help his ways, you’re the bigger person, that should incline you to not mind what he says, at least in some situations.
If the problem is the first, then like all have recommended here, reevaluate the structure you’ve set up, and all you’re doing. Maybe it’s a matter of time allocation or the type of tasks you are doing. But make some changes so that you then gain time for you.
Many times, the answer will be “it’s all of the above” but I think the break down eases the solution process. And the mere fact that you feel you’re working on the solution will make you feel more in control and at peace.
Good luck, wisdom and strength for you!
Your welfare comes first. Parents are secondary to your own health and well being.
Begin to detach. You don’t have to take all the phone calls from Dad or try and meet all his demands. Release yourself from the whipping post .
I rely on the staff at the AL for everything. I’m lucky to have found such a good place. They contact me about meds, falls etc.
I visit as needed, make the drive about every other month. My folks both have dementia. They hardly know if I was there yesterday or last year.
I didn’t have a phone installed in the room. Neither of them can hardly use a phone and were getting scammed constantly when they were still home. When she first moved in mom was also threatening to call the cops, lawyer etc and get sprung. That’s finally passed now.
Tell your sibs in no uncertain terms that you’re pulling back. I’ll do this but not that etc. if they want to fill in the blanks, go right ahead. If they don’t, you’re folks will still be cared for by staff.
I used to think "burnout" and "self care" were theoretical. Burnout meant someone wasn't doing something right and self care was feel good, pop psychology nonsense. I can't even believe I used to think this way. It's shameful. Burnout is a very real thing. Some call it "compassion fatigue". It's a state of being when we just get to the end of what we're capable of doing and we have nothing left. If we continue despite this our health will begin to suffer and that too is very real.
Self-care is what we do to avoid burnout. It includes getting away from the source of the burnout (your parents) on a regular basis. An hour here, two hour there is better than nothing but it's not enough. Also, doing things that nourish you emotionally like dinner with friends, talking to a counselor, setting time aside to do nothing but read a book or work on a hobby. You get the picture.
Like someone else said, the anger and resentment you feel is yours. It's up to you to get rid of it. Creating boundaries may help. Let your parents know that you can only help them 3 evenings a week (or whatever is logical to you). And don't deviate from that boundary. Otherwise it's not a boundary. Also, you can ask your siblings to pitch in. Have definite tasks and times in mind: "Sis, will you pick up mom at 9:30 Tuesday morning and take her to the doctor? She enjoys having lunch afterward." Ask your brother: "Will you go over to mom and dad's and help dad with ____________?" It doesn't matter that your dad only wants you to help. Other people are just as capable as you are and your dad will be fine if someone else helps him. To be blunt, since you are providing all of the care for your parents they don't get to set the tone. You do. You say what you can and can't help with.
Don't think if you back away everything will go to hell in a hand basket. Your parents will just be forced to mine for other resources such as their 3 other children.
You're angry because you're burnout. You've been asked to do too much and for too long and by yourself with no help from siblings. Many of us here are in that same boat.
For me, what helps make it more tolerable is reading and sharing with the people on this forum who have and are going through the same difficult journey that I am taking. Just knowing that people here understand me helps tremendously.
Second thing I learn is that I need to take care of myself and not give more than I can. This is not easy and not always possible. My mother lives with me and demands a lot of my time, and she drives me nuts with her repetitive questions and comments all day long. I have to get away from the house, away from her to get a needed break. When I get so frustrated I just tell her to quit asking and that she drives me crazy. She stops and goes to her room. As balancedCaring said it felt bad and good the same time. It's a coping mechanism. I used to feel guilty but I don't anymore.
In your case, I suggest you think carefully about how much help you're willing to give your dad, and when, and how, and TELL him that. Tell him you don't like being talked down to. If/when he does that, tell him you know how to do it and don't need him to show you. And tell him when he talks down to you, it makes you not want to help. And if he still continues doing it, you just might not help anymore. I doubt you would stop helping him, but just tell him that so he understands how serious you are. And yes, you can resign from being his POA.
And your anger at the sibs for not helping. This is probably the most difficult to overcome for many of us. It is the unfairness that is the reason for resentment and anger. If I was in your shoes, I would be so angry as well. How to get over that? I don't know. I have one brother who tries to help as much as he can. Still, I see him taking vacation after vacation with his wife and kids while my kids and I are stuck at home. I do feel mad, not so much at him, but about the situation, about my mom being sick and making me stuck at home.
What did your sibs say when you laid into them? Did they say they would help? If so, take them up on their offer. Any help is better than none. And hopefully some help will turn into some more help and eventually substantial help. Keep the communication line open. They are more likely to help if they are not yelled at, but politely asked.
I hope some of my suggestions will be helpful to you. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. We all need to do that. It is so important.
Once you truly accept the situation you are in, then you can move forward and give yourself LESS responsibility and a little more 'you-time.'
Anger and resentment are yours. They are not caused by outside forces or people. Once you accept that you chose this insane level of responsibility, then you can also choose to lessen it in ways that are practical and beneficial to you.
If you do not stop and re-evaluate what can be let go of from your to-do list, you will do yourself a great disservice. The demands from our parents will not get easier. As they age, they will get worse with their needs. So, right now, you need to create your own limits and boundaries, otherwise, you WILL not only go crazy, you will get tired and sick. It happened to us.
Choosing yourself first, is a hard lesson to learn. We have to go against the grain of cultural guilt. Yet, once you begin to honor yourself and respect your own needs, only then, can we truly offer what is of value to another.
PS: Sometimes is is appropriate to yell. I bet it felt good and bad at the same time. It's okay. Creating boundaries will help greatly, walking in fresh air, taking a half day or a full day of not answering phones or reading a novel will also support you.
All the best!