My brother is about a year older than me. Two years ago when my mom lost her home, they both came to live with me (supposedly temporary). Then mom was diagnosed with early onset Alz. She rapidly progressed and now is in early Stage 6.
Mom is on the waiting list at a really good memory care facility. But once she is there, my brother will still need somewhere to live.
He hasn't worked in about 10 years and mom was supporting him. He does have some health problems related to morbid obesity, but Dr. will not declare him disabled. So all he has is $200/mo in food stamps and money he's getting paid for part-time caregiving of mom. Once mom goes to facility, ALL her money (plus some of mine) will need to go to her bills.
I want my home (and my life) back. There are things that I want to do with my life that I cannot do if I have to support my brother - like have a family of my own. I keep thinking - why do I have to support him just because mom was?
Right now it isn't an issue - if he wasn't there it would be even harder to work and I would never get to go out occasionally with friends. But this is only for a few more months (I hope) until there's an opening for mom. I don't see him doing anything about looking for work, trying to lose weight to help his health, etc.
I am MORE stressed by him than by taking care of mom. Any time I bring this up, all I get is a flip response. Like once I told him that he can't live in my basement for the rest of his life - his response was that he isn't going to live very long anyway.
I can't imagine putting him out on the street. But I also can't imagine him living with me forever. The very thought makes me frantic.
What would you do? I can't get a job for him or even make him do it. (Even if someone would hire him, which I doubt.)
I have made the decision that my brother and I cannot give mom the care she needs long term. She is already in Stage 6 and it is getting harder. She is young (64) and very mobile. Among other things, this makes it harder to keep track of her.
The memory care facility that I chose is great. I'm very comfortable with my decision. My concern is with after she is in her new home. She was supporting my brother for many years and I don't want to be stuck with doing that just because she did. Although he has some medical problems, he is young and intelligent and needs to determine how to support himself.
In some ways I think he's as stressed and more scared than I am. This gives me some perspective, thank you.
I think there is no other alternative, easy to say "get out" but not realistic when he is your brother , homeless and jobless. Hang in the girl!!!
You deserve your own life, and even though you care for him, he is not your responsibility. Change is frightening but it can be done and you will both be a lot better off after wards, it just wont feel like it to begin with...Very best wishes to you both.
Chef Paul Prudhomme for example. He was so fat he needed a scooter to get around his kitchen, yet he built one of America's biggest gourmet food and restaurant empires! Your brother is taking advantage of your good nature. Get a spine and throw him out!
But if your brother has no intention (even with help) of doing anything about his weight, then he's basically committing suicide which is why he tells you that he won't be around long.
In that case I would tell him that you don't want to sit idly by and watch him die, so he'll have to find somewhere else to live.
If he reaches out to you for help with the weight, reach back and help him. It will be worth it in the end for both of you.
Maybe you should consider moving (after your mother's in the facility). I don't know whether you rent or own - it would be a lot easier to move if you rent. I know it's an extreme thing to do, especially if you really love your home, but it would force your brother to get out on his own. Something needs to be done about him, and it shouldn't have to be up to you. It's NOT fair to you to be put in this position. I hope everything works out.
Folks, like us, who are caregivers, tend to let a lot of bad behaviors go when we deal with family. We feel sorry for them. However, think about what your brother would do if you did not exist. He would survive and perhaps thrive because he would have to fend for himself. I hope you find a good, humane solution for him AND for yourself.....Lilli
Liliput - my brother does an OK job with my mom, but I don't think anyone would pay him. We have another caregiver from 8-12 MWF and 8-2 on Tu, Th. She does meals and showers and meds. My brother could never do showers. I'm just thankful that mom is still (mostly) continent. He's already said that he can't deal with that, so it will be my job when that time comes. No way could he do a good enough job to get paid at it.
As the others have said, don't argue, set "benchmarks" for the eventual goal of leaving, and don't budge. If he was a decent caregiver, perhaps he can find a paid, live-in caregiving situation. Many seniors are looking for an honest person who can help them with everyday care and doctors appts., etc. This would also raise his self-esteem.
Do not become his emotional parent. You need your own life and have to return to some sense of normalcy. And you are right, you do deserve to have your own family. Your brother can always visit.