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I am in a similar situation, but I am 47 years old and my father is 73 years old. My situation is similar to what orangeblossom5 wrote. Yesterday, was my last straw with my father. He lives by himself, but I am required to do everything. He treats me like I am the child, but at the same time the parent at times. He is very emotionally abusive and has been controlling me with guilt, and criticism. He has lost two wives, including my mother due to being verbally and physically abusive. I realize that my father is a woman abuser. He is also an alcoholic. I have decided since he will not move into assisted living, or a nursing home, that I am not going to enable him any longer. I have a life to live and I have the right to be happy and free.

He is not a healthy person emotionally for me to be around. He said some things to me yesterday that convinced me that I deserve better. He has been putting my mother down and that is very hurtful to me. I realize why he does not have anyone coming to see him, because he is a mean, selfish, miserable person. He tries to control everyone, even his friends. I have allowed him to ruin my self esteem and self respect. I have to move on, and let the chips lay where they may. He has chosen to live on his own. I am not his slave or his wife. I am not a door mat.

I have had it with him. I want my life back.
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That is an amazing post. Your determination is very strong. I know it is sometimes difficult to make these decisions; I support yours. Especially with your father's pattern of chewing women up and spitting them out (just a visual if you will) and you fit that pattern ~ but you are done. That's so healthy. Good for you. My suggestion would be: get counseling for the emotions you are feeling and for support to build up your strength to move forward in your life. I would appreciate an update now and then so that we all can gain from your decision.
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Quick summary of likely outcomes/choices for you here if you both stay ----1. Drinking or Drugs or both 2. Severe mental breakdown in dangerous unpredictable way and time 3.One of you kills the other or yourself.

Leaving only looks hard right now because of violence, manipulation and a type of co dependency. It is not true - there are many options and people WILL help you get through. If you get "no" one place, ask to be referred to other places until you get the "yes" you need.

Give yourself a deadline to leave. Not sure if Mom is on proper meds but she sounds mentally ill or somehow wayyyyyyy offbalance. Get to Dr and find out - you tallk w/ dr separately prior to appt. Write it down as you are likely too upset / burnt out to remember or say it all objectively. She may really need higher level of care.

Get your own dr's statement this is making you sick therefore you cannot help. Also ask for help w/ whatever's happening for you - exhaustion, depression, physical stuff from stress ----

Call 211 to get to local Area Agency on Aging (they are called different things e.g. Council on Aging) and get an appt for free assessment and referrals to services, benefits she is eligible for. Many times local nonprofits have extra help that gov't won't show. 211 should also refer to Sr Center - they can be helpful for referrals to caregivers support group.

Get yourself to a therapist - talk w/ dr as you may be too ill for only talk therapy for awhile. . Get referral for sliding fee agency/counselor if you cannot pay. Usually each county also has a public hospital and counseling system in some form. Caregiver support group great but I know how hard it can be to get away for a couple of hours - may have to use online ones and hotlines for awhile.

If you can afford it, ($50/hr & up), talk with a certified geriatric case manager. They're pretty amazing in getting the whole picture and setting up whole new structure for mom and you where you can all be safe, taken care of and sane.

Meantime call domestic violence local or nat'l hotline (are 800 #'s). Emotional and verbal abuse of you seem to be rampant here. Suspect we are only now seeing this emerge into public consciousness among caretaker/children/aging. Look up cycle & dynamics on internet but do call domestic violence hotline for support for you. Lots of actions here - start w/ dr. Then 211 (aging center, counseling svcs, domestic violence hotline, caregiver support group.. Then Aging Council.
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Standing Alone, someone said " You can't give from an empty tank", I would suggest that the real problem that you are facing is that your resentment may start you on a path where you begin to become abusive yourself. Care giving is about finding the best person or people to do the job, if it's no longer you, than it is responsible to find someone who can. That is good care giving. My situation is the exact opposite. My mother is an absolute sweetheart, that says please and thank you, and "I'm holding you back", but I'm still feeling overwhelmed. I agree with the others, that you must find support for yourself. I think that you've also come to the conclusion that your mother could benefit from a mental health assessment for herself, maybe she can change. Maybe you could mention this to her physician. Disclaimer: I'm not a health care professional, and I'm not sure how to do that, but a person can only do as much as they can do, and no more. You sound like a wonderful person, with a heart of gold, but now you need to really become Standing ALONE.
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StandingAlone@ Take PRIDE in yourself! You are a hero!

No, you can't change her. She's a miserable person who needs everyone around her to be as miserable as she is. --- (It's a competition!)

Truth of the matter is that her mind is past appreciation of anything that anyone does for her. She probably can't even appreciate an argument! i.e., she's mad at you and fights you during a disagreement, but doesn't remember what the argument was about - all she knows is that she's mad at you! [so don't feel guilty! Guilt in this case is a lie! ...and you bought it!]
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StandingAlone, Your story is heartbreaking. Now it's sink or swim time. A big part of why you've allowed your Mother to treat you this way is because she has been abusing you mentally and emotionally all your life. Deep down you know you're not this person she accuses you of being. It is her problem. The more she accuses you the more you try to please her. It's a vicious cycle called co-dependent. You have shown your Mother enough love. No matter how hard you try to make things right for her when you go she is going to blame you for everything, say the worse things imaginable that will cut you to the heart. Get some counseling to help you get your sense of self worth back and give you the strength to take control. You are a good person and stronger than you know. Don't play the blame game with your Mother. You really need to see a professional to help you through the decisions you need to make. If you can't afford to go see a professional look up Louise Hay on youtube and listen to what she says because she will help you build your self worth back up. When you open your mind to new ways of thinking your feelings will begin to change and you will find the strength you need. Much love to you!
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Obviously this post struck a chord for many people. I'm glad we have somewhere to vent and get understanding. So many times the elderly are thought of as docile and "sweet" - but it is truly miserable caring for someone who "fights" you every step of the way. There is SO much to say about this subject.

K
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I agree...so much more to say ... and also, I am also thankful that we have others to chat with and release the stress. I am appreciative to all comments!!!
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You are NOT a horrible, awful person for feeling as you do. My Mom was similar, though she was obsessed with my chastity. Some of the things I endured in this regard are too . . . I don't talk about them.
Do understand many of us here truly 'get' what you are going through - and having others who understand, and perhaps even have endured worse - is a wonderul thing to have at your disposal. take advantage of it. Don't continue to bear this alone.
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