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Hi all, Mom, 73, degenerative disk disease in neck, lower back, mild heart valve leak, colitis, expected to cook Thanksgiving meal, (by herself, no other cooks to help), for my Stepfather, his brother, his nephew, and the nephew's new girlfriend.


She had a TIA a few years ago when my niece, her kid, and her boyfriend came for their birthdays. Guess several days of cooking, baking separate cakes, wrapping was too much. Lady up the street died making Easter dinner for her grandkids a few years ago, so I am kind of nervous about this.


They used to go out for buffet for Thanksgiving, when I lived way out of state. Then Stepfather decided he wanted left overs, got her to make him turkey breast, potatoes and gravy, pie, for him to take to work for a few days every year after guests left.


I moved here a few years ago, 3 years ago I told him I thought it was too much on her and we should go back to the buffet tradition. No go, but said just one last one. I agreed. Last year, reneged on his agreement, said he wouldn't get any left overs if we went out. I told him he knew full well she was too old, he said he'd cater it, which he did. Mom begged me to come help, and bring other things too, (I had other plans elsewhere), said she plain couldn't do it, so I caved. She was right in that they didn't have enough food from the cater purchase, was surprised how small the portions were for the cost, and I also was surprised how much work it still was for her to get all the stuff ready. I took bird, giblet gravy, potatoes, stuffing that I made at home. THAT was supposed to be the last year. This year he announced once again he'd invited everyone to their house for the dinner. I flat said NO, and I'll have no part of it, my husband and myself are going out to a buffet, (which we never have done, but I've got it by myself for 32 years when we lived in a different state and I'd like a break myself).


Have stuck to my guns hoping they'd change their mind and go out with us. No go. As a matter of fact, he went from going to cater her part again, to now she's getting it from scratch since I'm not participating, he's afraid there won't be enough left overs for him to gore for 3 days. Ugh. I am worried. I don't want her to have another stroke, or worse. Most days that I go see her for an hour in the afternoon she's on no sleep, (chronic pain keeps her awake), she's often confused and has a lot of trouble just getting a cup of coffee made from their little single serving deal they've had for years. Am I wrong? How old is "too old" for this?

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WHO is expecting this challenged woman to cook? The men in the family. And what are they doing except continuing (if not enforcing) a chauvinist attitude that women still perform the mule's worth of work in the kitchen.

Grrrr! This makes my blood boil!

Your poor mother is struggling while she's literally too physically challenged to even think about cooking a dinner. I support your efforts to change, but it sounds like you're up against a practiced controller and dominator.

Could you get her to come with you on Thanksgiving, and perhaps spend some time with you while the volcano erupts and finally extinguishes over anger that he's not being served as he wishes to be?

I suspect your mother would be afraid to do this. So the focal point is their relationship, and her subordination. And figuring out a way to stop this now before she suffers even more.

Something else you could try is enlist the new GF; if she's going to eat, she can help prepare it. You could also advise everyone that there will be no leftovers unless they all pitch in, one way or the other, and contribute. But I suspect that won't work either.

I think the insistence on leftovers by your father is an obvious manipulative tactic to control his wife. The fact that she reaches otu to you to help with the dinner suggests that she realizes the men in the family won't help.

How old is your father, and he's still working? Couldn't a caterer just be requested to provide double the portions for the leftovers?

This issue of leftovers is such an ill disguised manipulative one.

There's another way, but it's sneaky, and your mother would have to cooperate: she could collapse the day before and ask you (not your father) to take her to the ER. Even if they don't keep her for observation, you might be able to keep her out of the house on Thanksgiving Day.

If you pick her up and take her home, you can always fudge the advice given, i.e., that her medical condition prevents her from cooking a massive meal and that she needs to spend the next several days resting.

Further, the ER doctors advise that she should NOT prepare any large meals again if she wishes to avoid further spinal deterioration.

It wouldn't hurt to also speak with her regular doctors even if you aren't HIPAA authorized. Her back issues concern me as much as the anxiety and stress.

I've seen a similar situation in my extended family. It only stopped when the wife was too ill to cook, and by then her health was severely compromised.
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While I agree with everything GardenArtist has said I have a different take on this. Its not so much the hosting at home that is the problem, it's the unrealistic expectation that she is to do it without help and turn out a special feast. Frankly I think the person who needs an attitude adjustment is your mother (not that all the others don't need a good swift kick up the, er, backside). She needs to stand up for herself and insist that if she is going to host a gathering she needs help, it takes a man to put a heavy turkey into and out of the oven and to mash the potatoes. And she needs to insist that a store bough dessert and simple side dishes are all she is willing to do. And then she can call everyone into the kitchen after the meal to package up leftovers and start the dishes. (Speaking of dishes I have two words, paper plates) And forget cleaning for days and all the other things that go along with the it's got to be perfect mindset, chances are the guests don't notice or care, and if they do they might actually realize that poor mom isn't up to the task. A gathering is only as stressful and physically demanding as you allow it to be.
And given that thanksgiving is only days away, isn't it a little late to be making this an issue? The time to make any meaningful changes passed weeks ago.
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I am 68 and TG dinner is too much for me. Don't know how my Mom did it all those years. We r trying the Bob Evans catering this year. Everything is done, just pick it up and heat. I wouldn't consider Mom old but she has a lot of challenges to overcome for a Holiday that is overwhelming for someone not challenged. Can you talk to the guest coming and ask that they help by offering to bring something and help. Or, maybe you can help by making somethings ahead. A sweet potato casserole can be made the day before and reheated. So can succotash. Same with coleslaw. Mash potatos can be bought already made. As can pies. For the number of people coming, a breast will be enough and have leftovers. Stuffing can be made ahead in a baking dish and thrown into the oven. I've done it in a crockpot. Yes, stepfather is unreasonable. But III know men like this. I really sympathize with you but it looks like ur it to help Mom. Hope all turns out for her.
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My grandmother could turn out a meal for 30 till the age of 88. But she was mighty unusual in that.

I'm 61. I'm DONE doing all the cooking, prep and cleanup. My hubby was upset one year b/c I didn't haul out the china and crystal. The next year I DID and made the men clean up. Since then, I have had no complaints about high quality plastic or paperware.

NO ONE should put the "expectations" of such a meal on anyone else. ONE TIME my DH commented that I had not made the best pumpkin pie that year (he was right, forgot the sugar) but I blew up at him. Really, told him it takes 3 days to prep for a meal for 30 people, our house is tiny, he doesn't help at all....sleeps until 2 pm and is often jumping in the shower when the first guests arrive...since then he has been much more grateful for what I do. Or, rather, did. I am going to my daughter's this year, and if I have my way, won't be hosting the whole shebang ever again.

Your mom needs some backup....seriously? Her husband has to have his leftovers? I don't know the guy and I wanna smack him.

It is not too late to plan to go out, or have the meal catered.
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Has your mother's marriage always been abusive?
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To answer your first question, when is too old? It is not an age, but an ability. My mum is 83 and perfectly capable of preparing a big meal. Not that I would suggest she do so. My former mil decided when she was in her 50's that she could not possibly manage to prepare a family meal of any size.

Me, I decided after preparing many a family meal that I would not do one more unless the men got off their backsides and did all the clean up. Boy were they surprised when I followed through and told them all to get up and clean up.

But for your mother, why is she agreeing to this? Step-dad wants left overs, I want a basement reno, doesn't mean I will get one. Safeway has lovely pumpkin pies, so does Costco if he needs lots of left over pie. The deli at my local store has real roast turkey.

Why does your mum feel she must do as he wants when it is not good for her? Why is he so selfish?
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Thank you guys for the non biased guidance. I was afraid I was being unreasonable opting out, but also feel like if I "save the day" I am enabling him to treat her poorly. Am kind of hoping that if it "hits a wall" goes poorly, and he has to get in there and help, that he'll quit expecting so much from her? I'm in a catch 22, if I help it continues, if I don't it might hurt her.

Garden Artist, you nailed it, he's super controlling and dominating. I don't know when this happened, we butted heads when I was 13 when he came into my life, but then I grew to like him, trust him. But I have lived out of state a very long time, maybe things weren't as they seemed for a while now. Mom has always over congratulated him for every little thing, kind of like how you train a puppy, smile, you know how far "good boy" goes in that instance. It really seems like this has ended up backfiring? He's 10 years younger than her, I wondered if it is that he doesn't understand she's older, or if his plain doesn't care? The later is scary. When we moved back we started noticing he criticizes every little thing she does or says, talks down to her, while really talking himself up. He says her name followed by "G_d D_mmit!" often, then will follow it with something trivial, like "you're using the wrong spoon!", doing whatever wrong, telling the story wrong. I haven't known what to make of it, other than it makes us uncomfortable. One time recently it was offensive enough I got up out of my chair and started towards him without even realizing it, he's lucky I caught myself cause I think I was on the way over to deck him. (?). I did pull her aside and tell her I wasn't going to tolerate that any longer and wasn't the only one who'd notice that and was upset with it. Believe it or not, it stopped, or, at least in front of us. I don't understand what is going on. Is he afraid of something? Ugh.

Odd thing is that he didn't ask her, he plain told her they were coming, in front of me and other company, then took off out the door. She was really mad, and said, "no way". Next time I talked to her she'd changed her mind and said "one more, last one". She keeps asking where hubby and I are going, have hoped she'd change her mind because I really don't think she can do this. Thanks you guys, at least I won't feel like a total jerk AND worried at the same time.
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How old is too old to prepare a holiday feast alone? I'd say about 30.

I don't remember ever having a holiday meal prepared by one person, at least since I've had adult children, and before that my husband did half of the work. This year my sister is hosting a Thanksgiving feast. She has been prepping for weeks. Part of that was assigning dishes to bring. I'm bringing an awesome wild rice/mushroom side dish and a chocolate roulade. The non-cooks have been assigned wine, etc. Everyone brings something. Sis is a fabulous cook and she loves doing this, but even she wouldn't tackle this single-handed. Just hosting is a huge job, let alone preparing all the food. One person hosting and preparing all the food? I just can't comprehend that expectation.

The catered meal is too skimpy? Order two. Find a more generous source. Or, best of all, go out to eat where the prep and cleanup is done for you! Order and pay for some take-out for leftovers.
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New, I've seen that kind of putdown by a man to his wife. I don't know all the psychological background that contributed to it, but I was just as offended as you were. Not that that's any excuse, as tolerance is also enabling.

You've gotten some really good suggestions. Maybe you just need to take the bull by the horns and order a catered meal if your mother just isn't up to challenging of going through arguments at this time of the year, a few days away from Thanksgiving.

Or just take the whole bunch out and ask for separate checks so you don't end up paying for the new GF.

I still get annoyed at these men every time I read one of the responses; that is such inconsiderate treatment for your mother.

Me, being a smart derriere that I can be, I might just rebel and embarrass the men by putting out a few loaves of bread and some hormone free packages of meat, condiments, lettuce, and a few pumpkin pies and tell them to fix what they want (paper plates of course), and go at it while I go sit down and read or watch something like one of the parades on tv.
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There was an early decline in the Thanksgiving hostess one year at an in-laws home.
Every event has some snafu inevitably. But when everyone allowed in the kitchen disappeared, I went in there for some cola, and there sat a huge pot of mashed potatoes upside down on the kitchen floor. No one was in the kitchen! The dysfunctional family's rule of 'the food is okay if you get it off the floor within 5 minutes' lol, was broken, but the potatoes were served anyway. An elderly aunt had unsafely transported her ham contribution for several hours, and some people got sick.
It may be pride that keeps a hostess going way beyond her ability to serve THE BIG MEAL. Or, illness, alcoholism, just not knowing when to stop. Or, like Barb mentions, abuse.
Maybe when someone no longer enjoys the preparation, is fraught with resentment, or is just too ill (not old), other plans could be made.

A hostess should alway consider the guests, are they going to enjoy your family's chaos?

I get that nothing is perfect. But leave me out of it. I have no plans whatsoever, and am fine with being spared.

Otherwise, catered is a great way.  Still hard on the hostess without help.

I think that I would get that man who wants leftovers, a fresh cooked turkey delivered the next day, with all the trimmings.  Then go out on Thanksgiving.  Last year, smaller portions of every item were found at trader joes just before the day.

My take on Thanksgiving.....make sure there is something to be thankful for.
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I eat out alone fairly often since I've become a widow. I like a turkey meal at two local restaurants. One serves it either as a hot sandwich or as a meal -- not a lot of difference in items, more in the presentation. The other only offers it open-faced sandwich style. I often order it as take-out from the closer restaurant, sometimes adding a slice of pie and always getting an extra cranberry serving. The serving size is two meals for me -- maybe three if I include pie and add a bagged salad. So if I have a craving for Thanksgiving "leftovers" any day of the year, I know how to arrange that very easily!

Obviously having "leftovers" is not the real issue here. The nature of your mother's relationship to your stepdad is. This can be heartbreaking for the adult children and other relatives who witness it. And other than be supportive, I don't know what the outsiders can do. If you figure it out, New2this, share!

A friend whose parents lived half the country away from her was devastated that her father (a physician) treated her mother who had dementia so unkindly. She realized that it was simply the long-term nature of their relationship, but only looked much more inappropriate since her mother was impaired.
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When I first read the OP's post, I wondered if I would be the only one who didn't feel that women need to spend days cooking and preparing. I haven't cooked for Thanksgiving for years; not only is it something that's too time consuming, but there are logistical issues with bringing my father here (along with oxygen tanks, walker or rollator, and up my front stairs), but I just don't feel like spending time on something that's become expected just b/c of a holiday.

So I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't view this as something women should be expected to do.

And as I think back over my childhood, whenever we visited with relatives, it was always the women who did the prep and cleanup. Some of the male members went into the living or family room to watch football or sleep.
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In my family, there was only one who cooked. Since I stopped, there have been some fantastic holidays, one spent on a picnic table in Santa Barbara overlooking the ocean, with my dogs sharing a catered gourmet meal.

Thanks everyone, but don't invite me, ever! Lol.

(sorry for the attitude).
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Sendhelp, don't invite you? Really? Even if I make my fabulous wild rice/mushroom side dish? You could just bring some wine. Or maybe you'd rather come to the Italian meal I'm hosting next Sunday. I still need someone to bring baguettes or Vienna bread. (Wine is already spoken for.)
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Back to the age qualification: Mary Berry has just launched a new t.v. series and she's 82.

I am grateful to her for a lemon cheesecake recipe which is delish. Having said that I can't bear to look at the woman - unforgivably reminiscent of my MIL.

And the late Evelyn Rose was doing Passover forever.

Age is no barrier provided the mind and whisking wrist remain strong.

Hmm. Don't know if this idea would fly. But have you thought of inviting your mother to join you and your husband? I assume she's only metaphorically chained to the kitchen, and I'm sure those big strong men would manage somehow (though it might be an act of mercy to give a heads-up to that girlfriend, too).
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Oh Jeanne,
Thank you! But we have made other "plans", Lol.
I would have come just for one slice of your famous cake and to meet you in person.

Can you send the wild rice recipe?
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Yes, CM, back to the age qualification.
I am too old.

Liking this thread/question, I have read it over.
I think Cwillie has an excellent answer!
Of course, Thanksgiving in Canada was in October, I think.

What would Gershun say?
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Yeah GA, his family is different from my real Dad's. We went there until I was 19 or 20. We had all hands on deck to cook, bring dishes we'd made, wash dishes. My Grandpa and Great Grandpa lifted everything heavy, carved the meats, set up extra seating, Grandpa made his famous potatoes. I had suggested that we all get together early and do this, Stepfather said the other guests have too far to drive to contribute, (3 hour-1/2 hours), and he doesn't know how to cook. I ask them over quite a bit for other meals, he usually wants them at his house because he has some peculiar tastes, wants to oversee it and make sure Mom cooks everything his way, plus wants the meat overcooked until it's shoe leather and hard to chew! :-). We always start his meat early, have even told him he could bring his onion powdered soup mix over and we'll put it on just his. But then condiments are wrong brands, he likes margarine not butter, etc. Wants the heat kept so high everyone else is ready to pass out, so has to keep it at his place so he can control it all to his liking. He actually asked me if I'd talked to Mom about Christmas dinner and New Year's Eve dinner yet the other day, right in front of her like she wasn't there, when I said no he proceeded to tell me he wanted fondue for one, (which is easy enough), didn't even hear what the other one was because I was so mad that he thinks he has the right to decide everything for everyone else. We have a pretty nice house with big kitchen, it's pleasant, clean, I'm a super good cook, poor husband hates Lipton onion soup mix which is liberally sprinkled on everything and cooked in, ...ugh. Guess that's just how it is. I hope she'll be OK. I just wanted to be with her. I didn't get to be with her many holidays in the past.
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CM,
What an excellent resource! Mary Berry's Malay Chicken Rice recipe, on video, on my kindle! Thanks, so thankful! A Brit cyber-cooking in my own home! So much more interesting than -oh, I have forgotten her name-the one with a magazine who was in jail?
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I put an end to this a few years ago.

What I did? I preemptively invited everyone for to thanksgiving dinner at the local restaurant. Explained to everyone that we needed to give Mom a nice break. Then, once everyone agreeed....invited my parents ..saying that the whole family was going o be there..they just had to come too.

Even if Mom was forced to cook that dinner...it was going to be dinner for two. She could just get a precooked bird...sides of this and that and heat it up.

That was the last time anyone accepted an invite to a meal Mom was going o be required to cook.   Every year they came to dinner at the restaurant till they moved out of State
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I am worried for your mother, New...keep an eye on your step dad. My dad was a slave driver and in my opinion, he guilted and worked my Mother to death. How about you get ahold of your Mom's credit card and order a triple portion precooked meal from a Kroger or Safeway store. Most of these stores also will bring it out "curbside" to you. You could pick it up and deliver it to Mom's house. Call the girlfriend and guilt her into doing the heating, setting table, doing dishes. Argh! Makes me so mad. The last time I served a big family dinner for 18 people, only one person stayed in kitchen with me to do dishes, clean up, put away.....time for some retraining of the troops!!!!
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Building upon Mincemeat's plan, the nephew should also be helping. Time to retrain the next generation.
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No one is too old to cook a fabulous meal. They are too disabled, confused or in too much pain. Get over it people age had nothing to do with it.
What this Mom needs is to decide which part of the meal she wants to prepare. The turkey , a small one comes to mind but she may choose potato salad which can be made the day ahead or just go out and buy a pumpkin pie. Having made her choice she makes a list of everything else needed and gives one or two items for each to bring. Aunt Mabel who is 93 can just be asked to bring a package of brown and serve rolls. The useless idle men get the wines and other drinks And are resonsible for serving those. Anyone old or physically unable buys something that requires no preparation like cheese and crackers or the disposeable plates. Anyone who "forgets" their contribution is given the clean up. I do think you should be there because someone needs to act as Ringmaster or Mom will cave. You and hubby can either go out after an early meal or even once it is safely on the table and enjoy your own time together.
I am 78 and currently not capable of hosting anything but we go to my daughters and I make and take the Christmas pudding. Used to make the traditional cake as well till everyone said they don't need that.
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New2This, you said in your post that she is often confused and has trouble making a single cup of coffee. Well, those who eat her food may do so at their own peril. What if she gets confused and forgets how long to cook the bird and it's not done. Or, what if she forgets to wash her hands after handling the poultry and handles other food items. That would be be my concern. But, it's not likely you can do much about it. My mom is pretty much the same way, but, I do stand by and watch and help. I doubt she will ever give it up voluntarily.
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New2This, and let us not forget there is more than cooking a huge meal... there is the cleaning of the house prior to the guest coming. And that alone can exhaust someone, no matter what age, who has physical conditions.

In my childhood, I remember my Mom getting up at 4 a.m. to get the turkey ready to cook, and to prepare the stuffing from scratch as there wasn't Stove Top Stuffing or anything similar. She enjoyed cooking, plus that was her "job" as a wife.

I hate cooking, it's like a science project that goes bad :P Thank goodness for pre-cooked turkey plus sides that the grocery stores sell [usually one has to pre-order a week prior]. Your Mom should look into these meals. We always had enough left over after 4 being at the table, and the cat demanding his fair share.... even enough to give to my parents for several more meals/sandwiches.
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I know this is a tough call but time to call elder protective services. Seriously! This can't possibly be the only thing he is being demanding about. What a jerk! And what about the other people. They can't help a little? I'm 63 myself and my son and his girlfriend have taken on all this responsibility without anyone asking them to. I have severe arthritis in my shoulders and can't lug a turkey in and out of the oven myself. I do some stuff but they do most. Selfish people are worthless.
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Old fart wants leftovers, huh? Would be so comical if mom could come up with turkey leftovers and just hand it to him in a bag with her coat on and halfway out the door and say, "There's your leftovers, sweetie, have a good time and see ya after the buffet," and get into somebody's waiting car. And let him handle all the relatives he invited, lol.
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Worst Thanksgiving Dinner ever made by my sister-in-law... Turkey roll (do they still make these?), stove top stuffing and boxed (before they were good) mashed potatoes. Needless to say, she wasn't allowed to do the dinner anymore. Since mom can't stand up to the dad (and surprise! I understand this), take mom to your place one or two days before (kidnap her if you have to) and don't bring her back until after the holiday. Let the grumpy, demanding old man yell his head off. Either that or maybe she can find one of those turkey rolls.....
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One other suggestion... while helping mom clean up, grab up all the leftovers and take them home with you. Then grumpy old man won't get his leftovers. Really, if she can't even make herself a cup of coffee, it's going to be dangerous for her to make the whole meal.
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I agree with cwillie in a lot of ways but I'm sorry...why are YOU not in there helping?????? I'm 64 and have done the family meal since 1983, for as many as 14 people...and I don't like to cook, as a general rule. But I would NEVER EVER desert my mother to do it by herself, even if I didn't agree!!!! How are you going to feel if she has a stroke fixing the meal while you were at your buffet??? (I'm guessing you will blame the stepfather to hide your guilt at deserting your mother) How many more Thanksgivings is she going to be with you? Are you going to allow your resentment to rob you of these moments? Know it is too late now, but if nothing else, you could have ordered a meal from local grocery (or hospital) , and had the girlfriend and you bring extra side dishes/pies....which you could have even BOUGHT if you didn't want to prepare. Yes, your stepfather is TOTALLY wrong here, and your mothere is enabling him, but you can't control him...you can only control YOU and how you are going to help PROTECT your mother! For the love of Pete...it is ONE DAY you are giving up. Pull up your big girl panties (if the poor woman makes it to next year), buy a dinner and use nice disposable plates if that is all the effort you want to put into it. And enjoy the time you have left with her!!!!!
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