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Education means nothing to this disease.  My mom goes to a day program and there is an Astro Physicists who is a client.  I was talking to his wife and she said they always thought "education, education, education is the thing and everything will be good as long as your educated" and now he can't even go to the bathroom without help.  Don't get me wrong getting a degree is great and I'm not putting that down it's just not what's important now.  Don't focus on how brilliant he is or what education he had.  It doesn't matter.  Just continue to care and be there for him like you do.  If you only get to see the grandkids with their parents, then do that.  It's not what you want but what's important is spending time with your grandbabies however it has to happen.
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Alg,

I am sorry about your husbands diagnosis. But, I agree with the other posters.

A lot of Dementia patients drive way longer than they should, in my opinion. My Mother was one of them.

As someone said your grandchildren’s well being should be your adult kids first priority. Not whether they hurt Mom or Dad’s feelings by laying down some rules. There may not be a bunch of rules. There might just be a short no. Sometimes that is easier than an argument or confrontation trying to negotiate the rules.

This will be a big change for your family and possibly a long difficult journey. My suggestion would be to not stress yourself out about this situation. Try to adapt to your new normal, enjoy your family while you can, wherever and whenever you can.

Later, when things get tougher, and they will, you will need your adult children and grandkids as a source of joy, support and distraction.
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There is nothing you can do. You have pleaded your case and they have made their decision. At this point, if you continue to push, you will only be pushing them further away.
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Quite often lately I've been reading posts from people explaining that their loved ones who have been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimers/MCI etc. are also 'highly intelligent' and college educated. As if a diagnosis of a brain disease makes them 'stupid' or negates the fact of their intelligence or college education. As if to say that a person of intelligence 'cannot' or 'should not' be given such a diagnosis.

A diagnosis of a brain disease or impairment does not render a person 'stupid' or erase the fact of their brilliant education or the fact they're intelligent. It simply means they are suffering from a brain disease or impairment, same as a person who is diagnosed with an organ disease.

No one, I believe, is immune from disease of ANY kind, whether they are intelligent or average, large or small, wealthy or poor, male or female. We're all human and susceptible to disease of ALL kinds, unfortunately. Nobody who's been diagnosed with a brain disease is any 'less than' a person who's been diagnosed with a bodily disease.

I am sorry for the pain you are both going through with your children & grandchildren. I sincerely hope that you can spend a whole bunch of quality time with them in your home playing games & doing things together for many more years to come.

Wishing you all the best of luck and success moving forward.
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MarieM462 Dec 2019
Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer and I never heard anyone say he wasn't intelligent.
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The last time I got into a car with my step dad I did not know he had been given a diagnosis of early stage dementia. His driving was terrifying and I had to threaten to call 911 from the back seat to get him to pull over. Mum did not see how bad it had gotten. After that day Mum did all the driving.

I am sorry this is going to sound harsh, but if you truly believe, "He went to Wharton (at the same time as Trump although Trump was never seen in any classes by anyone) so is highly intelligent with a good supply of cognitive reserve." then you have your head in the sand. If you have mentioned this at all to your adult children, they are probably worried about your cognitive ability too.

My Step Dad was a well educated former professor and accountant. He retired from his last volunteer position as the Treasurer for a Provincial organization a few months before he died of cancer. Most people..."can not detect much difference in him..." too. His daughter flipped out when Mum said he had become childlike. She used all the arguments you have in your post. He is highly intelligent, well educated, and can 'pass' as ok to many people. None of that protected him against dementia.

Your adult children have clearly stated the rules. No rides with Grandpa. No over night visits. No visits without them present as they do not trust your judgement.

We are in the holiday season. Attend the kids activities at school. Meet the family to go to a seasonal event. Rent a hotel near the kids and spend a couple days in their community. Meet them at the pool, the skating rink, meet them at a hockey game, does not have to be major leagues, youth hockey is lots of fun, meet them all for dinner, create a caravan and go looking at Christmas lights, tell the kids stories from you childhood.
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You won’t like my answer either. You have no rights here and your children are correct in not wanting your husband to drive the children. I understand that this situation is very upsetting and I don’t blame you but your children get to decide who their children will see and what is best for them. They don’t have to tell you their rules either. The only thing I can suggest is that your children try to educate themselves on the stages of Alzheimer’s. Maybe they will loosen up a bit. But if they won’t, you will have to let this go and see your grandchildren when your children allow it.
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BarbBrooklyn had some very good points.

I'm sorry, but I also side with your kids. They have observed things that make them unwilling to leave their children alone with you. You will not change that.

You want them to tell you their thoughts so you can make a plan to make it ok. They don't want a plan. They have their plan - it is supervised visits. Be glad it's that at least, and not "You can't see the grands".

You will just have to enjoy time all together, and make it work, I'm afraid.
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Al; I'm going to give you an answer that you are not going to like.

Your childrens' first priority in life is the health, well-being and safety of their children.

I would NEVER let my children be driven by someone with a diagnosis of MCI or early dementia. I would also not allow that person to drive me. Your children are correct in that action.

Your priority is your husband's care. So what if your husband has some sort of unpredictable and possible dangerous behavior while you and he are with your grandchildren? Whose safety and welfare do you look out for first if your husband darts into the street while you are holding the hands of the two grands?

I think you can have plenty of memorable moments with your grandchildren with your adult children present, don't you?

My daughter and son in law are in a fairly similar situation. Paternal grandfather has early dementia and was found to be undressing 4 year old grand-daughter in a suspicious way. He is no longer allowed to be unsupervised around any of the grands. They don't live close by, so this only comes up for my daughter once or twice a year, but for the family that lives nearby, it's a constant source of worry.
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