Out of state daughter wants to stay with 82yr mom for 5 weeks after dad dies to help. Is this postponing her grief process? My husband said I am not helping her and only she can deal with her grief. She and I are very close and we want to get some financial details reshaped, plan his memorial service in 4 mos, help take care of his things (keep, repurpose, etc), and get her in a new routine. She is 82 and fairly healthy.
My dad and I were also close and I helped with his care giving 6 weeks pre-death. Once I leave I will not return for 3 months to pick her up to take her to his home state for his memorial. I do not feel it will hurt her but give her a little support that she needs.
Am I off base by wanting to stay 30 days post cremation (thru Mother Day)? I am retired so I am available.
Maybe that is how your husband grieves, but many of us BENEFIT from having someone else around who knew the loved one. That's why there are traditions like wakes, funerals, shivas and the like, so that you can grieve with the support of your community.
I agree that it's a bit bonkers to think that a very elderly recently bereaved lady must just pull herself together and cope, but that's why I suspect that his real reasons are about something else.
I had a neighbor who was extremely close to her father. He died with Parkinson’s disease. Her husband got upset because she was crying too much.
My neighbor would come over to my house to cry. It broke my heart.
Some people think that a person can ‘get over it’ quickly and it doesn’t work that way.
If you want to be with your mom, please go be with her.
I am so sorry that your husband is acting this way. It’s terribly insensitive of him.
1) Your mother may be glad of your company. It may stop her feeling very lonely, after the high emotional involvement with so many people around a death; and/ or
2) It may be of real practical value for all the family in dealing with the many things that need to be re-organised after a death; and/ or
3) As your husband says, it might make her focus on you, instead of putting enough time into understanding her own loss and grief; and/ or
4) Your husband may be feeling that you have given enough time and energy to your mother, and its his turn to be the focus now.
All of these things make for a very complicated time. Do your best, and remember that 5 weeks is not such a long time, really.
Does she want a visitor for any length of time?
If mom is willing to have your daughter move in for over a month then that is her decision.
I am not sure I would want a visitor for that length of time.
I would slowly encourage her to make outings on her own, meet up with some friends, etc, just to start the process of "moving on" while you are there. You could also find "excuses" to go off, maybe to drop off donated items or to pick up supplies without her, giving her time to be alone. As time goes on, you can assess how she's adjusting.
To have to just pack up and leave her alone to deal with all that needs to be done would seem rather heartless. Sure, some people prefer to be alone in the grief, but others need the companionship, a hand to hold, a hug, whatever it is they need. If nothing else, having to haul things away can be a challenge for someone at 82! Just clothing weighs a lot. If there are other bulky items to be "repurposed", she'll need the help!
If she adjusts quickly and feels she can go it alone, you can always head home sooner. Do beware that you don't want her to lose her independence by doing too much for her - she may not be willing to let you go when the time is up! Encourage her to do what she can and to get out with others as soon as possible.
I'm going to assume your folks were married for about 60 years, and if they were like mine, they spent only a handful of nights apart. To lose your life partner, then be left alone to "deal with your grief" with no services to provide closure is frankly appalling -- unless it's what she wants.
My mother has dementia, so she couldn't be left at home after my dad died anyway. However, she was distraught when we had to move him out of their bedroom and down the hall before he was even gone. Not having him by her side was devastating, and the hardest part for her in those early days was waking up and remembering he was gone forever. I'm very glad I was with her those mornings, because it was terribly hard for her.
You are doing the right thing to stay, because you'll be able to tell how she's doing, reminisce together, and take care of what needs to be done. This is as much for you as for her.
All that to say that I think if you could stay with your mom for several weeks, that would be a blessing to her, not a problem. In fact, it might be a special bonding time that the two of you need.
See All Answers