Hello all, I wish I knew where to begin, or how this works even, but I’m lost. My mom & I were extremely close, like Carrie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds’s close. Sharing a business, vacationing together, etc. I loved her more than anyone. She was healthy! We had plans, but she died tragically from a medical error. Shortly after losing my beloved fur baby. All the light, all the softness, in my world disappeared. I layed on the hospital floor hoping to die. There has been suicide in my family and I know too well the pain it causes so I will never act on those feelings. Still, I wish for death.
Days after my mom died I had to work the business we shared. There is no other family but my dad. I am single, no kids, so everyone who knew and loved my dear mom wanted to talk to me. All the work clients. The weight of all I had to do was crushing. But even then the worst if it was my dad. He had me do EVERYTHING. Hours after we got home he wanted me to “get rid of these things” pointing to her clothes, her soft robe, After he left, I just held it and cried. (And kept it for myself.) He asked me non stop questions about the business and what to do and took little to no initiation to do anything on his own. No surprise. My mom did the lions share before she passed. And Now I am the one, doing her & my own job, while fielding his constant questions. I can’t tell if he’s grieving. I know everyone grieves differently, and not to judge, but it’s hard when I’m sobbing and I hear him laughing on the phone with a friend in the other room. It fills me with rage. Rage at how he treated my mom all these years, and how he has treated me. I believe he may suffer from TBI (sports) with the sudden outbursts, aggressive, etc. He’s difficult to be around. Not abusive, but like a toddler. And now he keeps saying “we” about the future. He has little money and wants me to live with him. FYI his view on all this is drastically different. He greatly overestimates how much he did in the family business (and hearing him talk with others about it, he makes himself out to be this generous supportive husband). He believes he is helping me! I have tried speaking with him about this, but he seems lost. He was so dependent on my mom. They were together for 50 years.
All I want is to be left alone with my grief. Though I’m filled with rage, I also love him and want the best for him. I just absolutely cannot have him depend on me. Every day is torture and yet I feel guilty for feeling such anger. I fear for the future. I need my own space. I need kindness and love, tenderness and light. I don’t know where the question is in any of this. I suppose I just needed to say it, or in this case, write it. I’m grateful for the space to do it. Love & light to all.
Then joining a grief support group or 1 to 1 counselling may be really good.
Hopefully this will help you along the grief journey - to move through the stages. They say grief comes over like waves, each varies & differs - some smaller, some push you under for a time.
But keep telling yourself you will be ok. You will learn to live with it.
Regarding your Father, he will have his own adjustment to make - as a widower.
In a nutshell, if he is not independant & cannot live alone, then an aged care needs assessment would be recommended. This will show what he needs. Then he can choose between home services or move to an assisted type of living. He would only live with you, being dependant on you, if you choose to offer this.
Lastly, is it possible to close the business for mourning for 12 weeks at all?
https://988lifeline.org/
If Mom died due to a medical error, have you looked into a malpractice lawsuit? I'm not normally one to recommend litigation, but that could bring in funds to help both you and your dad and improve both your financial situations. You might consult a medical malpractice attorney for a consultation.
As for you, it's always tough losing that first parent, because the second, needy one is right there expecting you to keep the wheels on the truck. That leaves little time for grief. I know that when my dad died in 2018, I had to go into full-time caregiver/trustee mode for my mom, and it wasn't until we lost her last year that I really got to grieve Dad's loss.
I think you'd benefit from a grief support group, and if that doesn't help, get some therapy. This day was always going to come, so you need to realize that even though Mom's death was unexpected, you might have had just as difficult a time if she'd died after a long illness.
I also recommend the book Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. It's a small paperback with daily readings to work through your grief for a full year. You can start at any point in the year, and it's nice because you only read one page a day. It isn't too much to absorb.